Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Where I live now, while I have my own room...I have share certain areas with a bunch of other people that also have their own rooms. So, bathrooms, kitchens. Those two, really. I'm cool with doing this, but I've been...denying myself certain things, because, I feel 'guilty' if I were to for instance use the bathroom, but having the knowledge that while I'm in there 'doing my thing' - another person could be wanting to use the bathroom at the same time that I'm using it, that sort of thing.
Same deal with the kitchen. And that has affected my eating habits. Thus, I don't really 'cook' anything, because, traditionally...cooking can take at least 10 minutes (thinking about pasta here). So, I've basically been eating sandwiches and cereal. That way, I'm in and out of the kitchen in a flash! See, if I'm cooking pasta at about 6pm, I'd feel 'guilt' because like..6pm is generally a time where one eats dinner. You know, you just get home from work, you're starving! NEED FOOD, mm, a nice meal for dinner sounds wonderful..
And yeah, back to the bathroom, it goes for that as well. Because, I'm jobless currently, so, I've put myself 'down the pecking order' by sort of not using the bathroom between 5 - 7am, because, generally, people wake up around there, use the bathroom, then head off to work. And like...because I'm jobless/am not studying, I consider it 'rude' for me to use it, because I don't have anywhere to go. Sooooo, all these things build up to a form of guilt within myself.
But of course...what I have to realise, is that I don't like...need a GOOD reason to use the bathroom at certain times, or need a good reason to cook dinner at a certain time. Because, yeah, that's what I'm doing - I'm putting others ahead of me, and I've basically created this little scenario whereas I work around what others do, because I see my life as 'not as important' - because I'm jobless/not studying, whereas most others in this apartment that I live at, they either work/study.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the guilt character, whereas I feel 'guilty' for using the bathroom/kitchen at times where people generally desire to use the bathroom/kitchen to go to work/cook dinner.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others because of my lack of job/lack of study.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to work around 'general' times of use that someone would use the bathroom/kitchen, to avoid getting 'in peoples way'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do NOT have any 'less' 'right' to use the kitchen/bathroom at any particular time - I realise that I, as them, pay wages to live in this apartment, and thus, we EACH/ALL have just as much 'right' to use shared areas as one another.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see a job/study option as of the utmost importance, and use that as an excuse to view myself as inferior to those that have jobs/study.
I commit myself to listen to my body, whether it be to use the bathroom/the kitchen, and to NOT stop myself from using either facilities out of a 'guilt' emotion that I allow myself to participate in.
When and as I see myself as inferior to those that have jobs/study, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is SEPARATION, and that it's thus, INEQUALITY.
I commit myself to not allow my mind to dictate the actions that I take, and thus, do what's best for my physical body, no matter what the time.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
I think just about every time I drive, there's always at least one person who drives WAY TOO CLOSE behind my car...or just........generally does not care for the safety of others - whereas, they speed, change lanes without indicating, things like that. Of course, in an ideal society, there'd be none of this. People would care for one another, care for the safety of one another, and everything. But, for now..it's a matter of acceptance. There for now will be road users who will do whatever it takes to reach their destination, even looking 'stylish' while doing so..or attempting to (Super loud music/clear attention seeking road users).
I've noticed that some of this behaviour makes me reaction within intimidation. The behaviour which involves another road user either speeding a lot while driving behind me..or........just driving incredibly close to my car, leaving NO margin of error, this behaviour 'intimidates' me. And through this intimidation that I feel....I feel a sense of panic. And through this panic, I manifest behaviour which would 'please' the road user who I feel intimated by, because like...I'll drive 'faster' or....well, yeah, I'd basically just drive faster, even if it means me not abiding to the speed limit, and thus in reality, putting myself/others at risk, for the sake of 'pleasing an intimidator'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel intimated by other road users when they drive too close to my car, or, speed up a lot behind my car.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to through this reaction of intimidation, manifest a 'nervous' emotion whereas I change my behaviour to suit the person who I feel intimated by, by abiding to what 'they want me to do'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not abide to all road safety rules and within this, care for all road users.
When and as I see myself in a position whereas I'm driving, and another road user is very close to my car constantly, behind me, or speeds a lot when behind me, I stop and breathe. I realise that no matter the reason for the person doing so, I MUST abide to all safety protocols when driving, and to thus NOT change the way in which I drive to feel that I must 'please' the road user who is manifesting this behaviour.
I commit myself to always drive with the safety of each life at the forefront of self as I drive.
I commit myself to not change my behaviour through a manifestation of nervousness/fear of another road user driving close to my car/speeding behind my car.
I commit myself to follow all safety protocols when driving as a means of doing what is best for all.
I commit myself to not feel the need to ignore safety protocols for the sake of one person who is in a rush to get somewhere/seeking attention generally.
I commit myself to stay cool, calm and composed when driving, through not participating within my mind, and thus, not participating within emotions/fears of intimidation/nervousness.
Saturday, 27 December 2014
I attended two Christmas gathering-type things, and at both gatherings, there was a mixture of people, and for me....there were people I knew quite well (close family/cousins) and others that I did not know too well/barely at all (other relations/people's friends) - and I realised that....I was really preferring to talk to the people I was more acquainted with, rather than talk to people that I was..not so acquainted with - and I realise now that I have limited myself therefore.
Sure, I may know someone for 5 years, and I might only know someone else for about...3 months, but that's not a justification to basically ignore the person I barely know, and only communicate with the person I know quite well. I'm communicating within separation if I'm only talking to ones that I'm most COMFORTABLE talking to. And also, I'm not seeing each life as equal if I have 'preferences' based on how well I know someone, over another.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not expand my communications to ANYBODY.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my communications to those that I feel that I know 'quite well'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of separation whereas I want to 'feel' comfortable by only talking to those that I 'feel' that I know 'quite well'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take EACH LIFE for who they are, and thus, speak to them and get to know them and learn from them, as they can also learn from me - whereas it becomes a mutual learning environment for both to benefit.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prefer to stay in my comfort zone.
I commit myself to see each life as equal to myself, and all other life, whereas I thus communicate with anybody and everybody, no matter if I know them 'quite well' or 'barely at all'.
When and as I see myself limiting my options when and as I'm around/in the vicinity of others, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's cool to meet new people or to get to know people that I do not know so well, as I can then learn new things, and they can learn things from me - which is cool.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit who I talk to, based on fears of how a person that I don't know as well, will react, to me speaking to them - whereas I fear that one would not want to talk to me because of the lack of previous communication/any communication which I've shared with that person. Within this, I realise that I must take this back to self, and see that it is a fear of mine, whereas I see it as 'strange' to talk to someone that I've never spoken to before previously, or only know another 'somewhat'.
I commit myself to 'break the ice' within showing that there is and should not be any boundaries between people based on lack of previous communication/or no communication at all, to show that each is equal - previous communication or not.
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
I have rarely used deodorant over the past year. I had instead preferred to be 'natural'. Although on a few occasions, it's been pointed out to me that I do smell. Yesterday, it got pointed out to me, again. I was a bit disappointed, because...although.......I do actually KNOW that my armpits give out an odour, an odour of sweat, it disappointed me that I had to 'block' this 'natural' smell with something like deodorant.
So, I've decided to use deodorant, to be IN the system, but not OF the system, and thus...to realise that to 'fit in' within the system, it is best for me to use these products, such as deodorant, as it has become common place within society, but, it's also to realise that all of these smells that our bodies produce, sweat..all the bodily functions, there should NOT be actions required to 'fear' these smells/bodily functions, as it's all apart of how we live/survive. But right now, my best option is to fit in with society, and thus use deodorant, until we as humanity reach a point in time whereas we do not require countless beauty products and general products that stop us from being 'human'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within disappointment when it was pointed out to me that I was giving out an 'odour' because of my want to be 'natural' and thus not use deodorant, as I deem deodorant as 'unnatural'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that deodorant has become a common practice within society, in which it is thus seen (smelt) as 'gross' when one thus smells of sweat/perspires.
And thus, I commit myself to be in the system as to use deodorant, but to not be OF the system, otherwise use deodorant within a starting point of a fear, fearing to smell - I am simply using deodorant from a starting point of 'fitting in' with society.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that to be 'natural' within society in this day and age, and thus basically NOT use any beauty products - will be seen as 'incorrect' in today's society, thus, I commit myself to do what I MUST to fit in with society, realising that my desire to be 'natural' cannot 'work' in today's society, as we as humans have placed beauty products above our natural bodily outputs.
Sunday, 21 December 2014
I went to a museum on the weekend. I actually was unsure what to expect when going there, I didn't know if it would be exclusively filled with artwork, or.....I did not know what. Turns out, there were a variety of things to look at. Artwork, dinosaur bones, animals that were alive and dead..stuffed animals, old fashioned houses, information about how emotions are 'normal'..lol. So, all sorts of things.
One particular area had all manner of animals, all dead mind you, just being there, displayed for human eyes. Like, had all the animal skin intact, and were probably stuffed, I'm not entirely sure, but either way, I was not a fan of that area. There were lions, rhinoceros', kangaroos, emus etc. So, I did not spend much time in that area. The next area I checked out was an outdoor area that was meant to be representative of nature. It was, but it was easy to tell that this little nature area was not well maintained. And walking along, there were various enclosures which contained small frogs, certain insects. They all barely had room to maneuver in there.
And I became quite aggrieved. I was joking with someone that I very much wanted to reach inside of that enclosure and 'rescue' a frog or two, just sneak them into my pockets and let them out when I exited the museum. I very much did not enjoy seeing the frogs and such stuck in these small enclosures. Just put on display for human entertainment. VERY NOT COOL.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become aggrieved when seeing LIFE inside of enclosures whereas they have little room to maneuver in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'free' this LIFE from these enclosures as a means of 'assisting' them, but I realise within this that this is not a permanent solution, it would only be a solution if I got away with it, for the few LIVES I could 'free'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fail to take responsibility for how and why all of this LIFE is allowed to be 'put on display' for the eyes of humans.
I forgive myself thus that I have accepted and allowed myself to see enclosed life as a means of entertainment, instead of seeing ALL life as one and equal to MYSELF.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within anger at the people that were seemingly amused by the LIFE that was TRAPPED inside of these enclosures, amused/mesmerised, within this, I realise that is the point of this museum, to amuse us, humans, entertain us, NOT to care for the life that is NOT human, thus, I commit myself to continue writing and to with other Destonians, get to a point whereas all life is treated one and equal.
When and as I see myself reacting in anger to seeing life enclosed in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that enclosed life is what I've accepted and allowed to take place.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that awareness must be raised among every single human on Earth, as to see, realise and understand within one another that ALL LIFE IS LIFE, and ALL life must be considered as life, as none/nothing has 'less' reason to exist on Earth, UNLESS we choose that option, which we have, as humans - change is not just necessary, it's MANDATORY.
Thursday, 18 December 2014
feeling weary and impatient because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.
"she got bored with staring out of the window"
If I'm talking to someone online, and they tell me that they're bored, I take it personally, and I thus react within anger, because...I then judge myself and see that I'm not 'entertaining' enough for the person who proclaimed their boredom to me. So, I feel like..when people tell me that they're bored, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not interesting enough/entertaining enough. Those backchats.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take proclamations of boredom, personally, whereas I react within anger and judgments of my character of not being 'entertaining enough' or interesting enough, or good enough.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not entertaining enough/not good enough/not interesting enough, because one tells me that they're 'bored'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within backchats of judgments towards self when and as one tells me that they're bored.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that one's boredom is not 'my fault' or 'my duty' - it is in fact THEIR 'duty' - their duty as to if they feel 'boredom' or not.
Thus, I commit myself to stop judging myself as not good enough when others say that they're bored, and realise that boredom depends on one.
When and as I see myself reacting within anger when one proclaims their boredom to me, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's not my responsibility for whether one 'is unoccupied' or 'lacks interest in one's current activity' - as that is strictly down to THEM. I realise that it's NOT my job to keep everyone entertained and thus within this, see myself as 'not good enough' and thinking to myself that I must 'improve myself' only for the sake of being 'good entertainment' to people.
I commit myself to focus upon myself/how I AM at any one time, and to NOT dwell upon how another 'feels' when 'in my presence' and to thus not judge self as 'not good enough' when one proclaims boredom.
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Thought it was about time I wrote about this. I keep having these desires to buy a videogame console, if so, I'd buy a PS3 or Xbox 360. I don't want to spend too much money and thus I don't want to buy a PS4/Xbox One. I've had a history with videogames. I used to always play them when I was younger. A few years ago I owned a PS3, but I sold it. It wasn't that I 'didn't like it' anymore, but I felt as if I were 'addicted' to using it. I was addicted to some games, more than others.
I do like games, though. I definitely don't think that games should be played all the time. But, sometimes, I see no problem with. I play Candy Crush Saga on Facebook. It is cool. At the same time, sometimes I desire 'better' games. I define 'better' games as ones that 'look cool'. Lol. Games that have clearly had a lot of money put into them, they might look realistic, lots of things happening on the screen at once. And when I compare those desirable games to Candy Crush Saga, I see Candy Crush Saga as 'lame' in comparison.
So, that is my desire...to play games that have had lots of money put into them, that had lots of effort put into them. And hopefully, having that effort put into the game, transpire to me enjoying the game. That is what I'd ideally want. But, that is not always the case. Games can have so much money put into them, and not be enjoyable. That can depend on one's personal tastes, what one desires when playing a game, things like that.
And I've been looking at consoles to buy. I found some that are thus not too expensive. I can afford it. But, yesterday/today I have been looking at the software (games). And there hasn't been any games that 'take my fancy'. No point in me buying a videogame console if there are no games I am actually interested in playing. And yes, I really see buying a videogame console as pointless, therefore. If there is nothing I legitimately want to play, then there is no point forking out a rather large sum of money for a console in which I will use only for the sake of owning the console.
That is how I see this desire/scenario.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a 'better gaming experience' in comparison to a game like Candy Crush Saga.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a 'better gaming experience' by the money/effort put into a game. Within this, I realise that money/effort put into a game does NOT always mean a game is enjoyable.
Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that a game like Candy Crush Saga, although not having a ton of money put into it, with a huge budget, it nevertheless is an enjoyable game that can be enjoyed by everyone, plus, the game is cool because within it, one is able to assist others, and be assisted by others, which creates a team-like environment within gaming.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is pointless for me to buy a videogame console if there is NO software that I am actually interested in playing for the said console.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a videogame console for means of something 'additional' to do, whereas I see that I want more 'variety' within my daily happenings. Thus, I commit myself to check out other means of variety, things that I'm GENUINELY interested in, and thus to realise within myself that to buy a videogame console and buy games for the sake of owning a console is pointless, because it's NOT something I'm genuinely interested in doing. I realise that my desire of videogames stems from the majority of my life whereas I have been somewhat 'addicted' to videogames and desire those memories to happen within my present self.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within memories of me gaming with videogame consoles and having 'the time of my life'. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire that energetic memory whereas I saw myself having the time of my life when playing certain videogames on my videogame console.
When and as I see myself contemplating whether to buy a videogame console or not, I stop and breathe. I realise that my want of a videogame console stems from a desire of the memories of 'enjoyment' that I had with videogame consoles in the past where I labelled those gaming times as the 'time of my life' and thus I saw nothing better than playing videogames as often as possible.
I commit myself to not see Candy Crush Saga as 'lame' in comparison with other 'high budget' games.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that despite Candy Crush Saga not having a huge budget, fancy graphics, fancy interfaces etc, does NOT mean it is not an enjoyable game. Within this, I realise that all games can be enjoyable, whether having a high budget or a low budget, and whether using on a pc, or a videogame console.
I commit myself to not participate within the memory of desires whereas I see gaming on a videogame console as a great time within my life.
I commit myself to accept all games as they are.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand 'genuine' interests within myself so that I can move forward and not participate in this scenario whereas I'm only participating within memories of enjoying videogames in my past.
Saturday, 13 December 2014
I have so many eqafe interviews on my laptop, but I've barely listened to any. I KNOW the material in each interview is AWESOME. It's always eye-opening, informative and effective. But, what stops me from listening to the interviews, is I know it requires my FULL ATTENTION. Before, I have attempted to listen to an eqafe interview while surfing the internet. Or, listening to an eqafe interview while...just, using my laptop to do other things. It does not work for me. I'm unsure if it works for others. But for me, I can't 'concentrate' on the word being said if I'm doing 'other' things.
And I WANT TO concentrate on the words being said. Eqafe interview are different to 'music'. With music, I can browse the internet while I'm listening to that music. With the Eqafe material, I genuinely want to listen to each word that is being said, take it in, take in the information, learn from it, expand my process, quantify my process. It requires my utmost diligence and attention. But, everytime I consider listening to an Eqafe interview, I go into future projections of playing an eqafe interview and not being able to 'do anything' because the interview requires me to listen to it and pay attention. And the 'idea' of sitting down for an hour (depending on the time duration of the interview) and just having to 'listen' without doing 'other' stuff sort of......makes me not want to listen to the interview lol.
Having said that, I've gotten advice from my buddy about things I can do that will assist me in being able to listen to the Eqafe material, things that I can PHYSICALLY do. Such as, washing dishes. I'm yet to try that. Also, another suggestion from my buddy was to write down words pertaining to the interview. Write down points, words. As, that will assist me to 'interact' positively while I'm listening to the material. So, thus far, I'm yet to try either of these methods...so, that is why I'm committing myself to do so, because there's no point having all of this AWESOME information on my laptop, and just leaving it there. It's time to do myself a favour.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to shy away from listening to Eqafe material, because I participate within future projections within my mind of the task being 'boring' because I have found that I must pay utmost attention to listening to Eqafe material, otherwise not be able to take in all the information and thus learn from it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take into account/consideration the awesome advice that my buddy gave me, informing me to do PHYSICAL things while I am listening to the interview.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow my process to expand greatly by listening to Eqafe material and thus learning from it/applying it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have preferences to 'other' online activity, such as playing games, talking to people online.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, realise and understand that Eqafe interviews will ACTUALLY change me for what is best for all life, and within that, assist me in walking my process in every way, shape and form. Within this, I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to increase effectiveness within my process by listening to Eqafe material as often as I can.
When and as I see myself desiring to play games/talk to others online, instead of listening to Eqafe material, I stop and breathe. I realise that only ONE of those things will actually change me for the best, which is listening to the Eqafe material. Thus, I commit myself to do so.
That's a trap, though. Like, I think regularly, a person doesn't really want to change. Like, friends that know me, they only know me as the person that I act as when with them. And to have that friend (me) change, whatever the change may be, it can be 'unsettling' for the friends/whoever it is that only knew me as one type of person. I also think that's why many people fear change, in any format. Most people just accept themselves as the way they are, without even blinking an eye. They just blindly accept that they were 'born this way'. I did used to think that, until I DID change through my participation with Desteni. I've never seen a change as effective and rapid as the change I have seen happen within myself, through participating with Desteni.
But, like I said...I still fear that 'change' in regards to how people 'usually' see me. EVEN THOUGH, the change happening within myself, I, myself, am very glad about the change that is/has happened to me thus far, and will continue to do so. Although, having said that, I suppose I do fear change from my perspective, within myself, too. If I fear myself changing in regards to how others see me, then if I bring it back to self (which is always necessary) then I see that I fear myself changing in regards to how I see myself. Always bring it back to self - vital.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing a change within myself from what I've grown 'accustomed' to throughout my life prior to knowing of Desteni.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept my life and my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, the person I am/was, and thought to myself that THAT was the person I was born to be full stop. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see it as possible for me to CHANGE every single piece within myself and change my approach to life and thus change my approach to points within my life so that I live for what is best for all life in each way, shape and form.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear myself changing because I want to stay in my comfort zone, whereas I know the person I am/was, and I define any change within myself as 'breaking through' the comfort zone and thus equal that to a fear which I've created within myself and thus participated in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the comfort zone, while SEEMINGLY being 'comfortable' is in fact an excuse for me to not allow change within myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the comfort zone within myself in terms of accepting how I was 'born' is suppression. Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see that comfort = suppression, because it is an abdication of changing for what is best for all life within equality and oneness.
When and as I see myself fearing change within myself in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that change is ALWAYS healthy, even if it is to take 'steps back' because it is proof that I am not going to blindly accept the person I was born as, and think that THAT is who I 'have to be' and that I cannot change to anything 'better' within my lifetime.
When and as I see myself judging myself for the changes that I undertake and seeing them as 'bad changes', I stop and breathe. I realise that changes within myself, no matter how they are, are signs that I'm willing to take responsibility for myself and thus direct myself in each step that I take within my physical step and thus to walk outside of my mind and into HERE, always.
I commit myself to see changes within myself as effective means of changing myself into what is best for all life.
I commit myself to not judge changes within myself as good/bad, and to instead accept them and work on the changes if I need to, to continue my process of changing myself.
I commit myself to not play as the victim character, whereas I see myself as 'helpless' in terms of being unable to change my life/things within my life.
I commit myself to NOT accept that I was 'born the way I was' and that I can thus NOT change how I react to things, my emotions/feelings and other points within my life.
I commit myself to continue walking my process and to continue accepting the changes within myself that come my way.
I commit myself to not be stuck in the past, whereas I only view myself as the person that I was when in high school, a shy person that struggled to speak up when in the vicinity of others.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I KNOW and have seen first hand, that change is not just possible, it IS UNDENIABLE, as I've seen and continue to see within myself and within the writings that I undertake.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view the word 'change' as an impossibility and a myth.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FORGET that my starting point of committing myself to my journey to life IS to CHANGE myself into what is best for all life, and thus I commit myself to always remember that change is what I need/must do/expect each day that passes by.
I commit myself to LIVE the word 'change' by applying the writings that I write down, and to LIVE the changes that I write, into my practical being and physically apply them to thus see my change first hand within my physical body.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that showing others, my extended family, the change within myself is an EFFECTIVE thing, as I am going against the 'norm' and going against what we just plainly accept by just taking ourselves for 'who we are' and thus I realise within myself that actually changing goes to show that change is always possible.
Thursday, 11 December 2014
On one topic in particular, I've realised a lot that one of the reason's that I am somewhat 'struggling' to get over it, is because with this particular topic, I'm always 'going over things' within my mind, before I actually write it down/type it. And that is a recipe for disaster, because as soon as I stop typing and start THINKING, that is when the mind attempts and usually does, basically, twist all the facts around, and that is when I end up writing from the mind, and NOT from the physical. And when I write from the mind, I am writing for the mind, and thus within suppression, rather than writing immediately, saying what I have to say, because that is actual self-honesty, it is not suppression if I am writing as I am now, without thinking about what I'm going to say.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not write down what I want to say, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with my mind whereas I consider what I should say, instead of just WRITING IT immediately and thus without any form of suppression within my words.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider the words that I write, to the point where I end up 'twisting' the facts, twisting the self-honesty that I'm capable of, in favour of SUPPRESSION which I get from considering my words within participation within my mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'take too long' when writing out my context/self-forgiveness/self-commitment statements, because I'm too busy thinking about what I should say, instead of just writing it all down from a physical point of view.
When and as I see myself being 'stuck' and not being sure of what to write or how to write, I stop and breathe. I take a moment to focus upon my breath to bring myself out of my mind and back into my physical body, whereas I can then write without any obstacles in which I've created within myself and thus accepted and allowed myself to hold me back.
I commit myself to only consider my words within reason, in a sense of whether it's appropriate for public viewing/the people involved - but NOT to consider my words from the perspective of participating within my mind and thus 'twisting' words/facts/meanings into what my MIND wants me to say, and thus suppression.
I commit myself to write within self-honesty.
I commit myself to not write within suppression, otherwise never get to the 'point' at hand and end up never actually OVERCOMING the point at hand because all I'm actually doing within suppression is writing through/for my mind.
I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself and thus within the words that I write, within my physical self.
Sunday, 7 December 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay in bed longer than I actually 'have' to, by seeing my bed as 'nice and soft' and 'comfortable' and thus using excuses of my bed being soft as a reason for me to 'overstay' my welcome in bed.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my bed as anything other than a place to sleep. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to watch tv and use my laptop in bed for the sole reason of my bed being the most comfortable place in my room, just because my bed is the softest piece of furniture in my room.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not use furniture that is actually 'practical' given the situation, whether it be using a chair opposite my tv, or, the desk chair/desk to use my laptop - I commit myself to use appropriate furniture for the appropriate scenario that I am in.
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical body's requirements of 4-6 hours of sleep, or however many hours of sleep my body requires, in favour of 'comfort' - which in fact ends up totally disregarding my physical body, as I realise and have proven that 'additional' sleep and 'oversleep' does NOT assist my physical body in any way, shape or form, and as a matter of fact, prevents my physical body from 'reaching its potential' as I feel sluggish and zombie-like through my mind desire of staying in bed because of a 'comfort' point with my 'soft' bed.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live for an instant moment, in terms of my physical body waking up after the required amount of sleep, and then me INSTANTLY deciding to turn off my alarm or ignore my body in favour of more sleep. I see, realise and understand that only at that VERY moment, do I consider it a 'win' for me to go back to sleep. But, I also realise that despite me feeling 'good' in that moment of going back to sleep, I ALWAYS face the consequences of going back to sleep/additional sleep/too much sleep as I allowed myself to enter another sleep cycle and thus lock in my fortune of feeling 'dreary' for the rest of my day only for a sudden and instantaneous desire to 'sleep more'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical body's requirements, in favour of participating within my mind's desires of staying in bed and sleeping more because of the comfort point. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that comfort is whatever assists my physical body, whether it be a chair that assists in keeping my back straight, or a bed that allows me to sleep soundly and not do damage to my physical body in the process of sleep.
I commit myself to value practical furniture/equipment, over 'soft' furniture/equipment.
I commit myself to absolutely put my physical body/self FIRST, and NOT my 'mind' and thus backchats that go along with my mind.
Thursday, 4 December 2014
I've been trying to figure out why I always, well, lately I have especially struggled to get out of bed. I remember the first time I investigated Desteni, and the first article title that I read and the article along with it that I read was that 4 - 6 hours of sleep was all that was needed. Certainly, the first time I read that, I was like "...you can't be serious." lol, but having given it a shot, and realising that it makes sense, the article, I've seen it to be absolutely true. As others have stated on the forums about sleep, it definitely does take a week or a few weeks, at least a certain period for 'adjustment' to happen. I mean, for me, I've slept for at least 9 hours my whole life. For 21 years, approximately. Of course there will be an adjustment period from changing from 9 hours of sleep to about 4 - 6. And yes, I remember it clearly.
It did take me about 1 week to adjust to the 4 - 6 hours. I was actually surprised it was that quick for me. But definitely, I still had those days where my alarm went off and I turned it off and just went back to sleep. Those days, I was like a zombie. I felt so tired. And because I felt so tired, each of those days, I went to the shop to buy an energy drink in the hope of 'energising' my body. Safe to say, I was under the illusion that those drinks were actually 'awakening' me. I was kidding myself. They did nothing for me, except for take money out of my pocket.
For a long time I've gone from 6 hours of sleep, to my 'bad' routine of 6 hours of sleep + another 3 hours of sleep, or however long. And it always, ALWAYS make me feel zombie-like. So, this morning was the first time I had woken up and gotten out of bed instantly. Jee, I've forgotten how great it feels! I feel so much more awake within my physical body. The difference is night and day. Awake or zombie? I know my preference.
And I'm slowly realising this, that the body does 'awaken' when enough sleep is had. I set my alarm for 6 hours of sleep, but, this morning I woke up after about...4.5 hours. I was actually surprised. Because, I checked my phone to see the time, and my alarm was still 1.5 hours away. I thought it was more like 5 minutes away - because I felt so 'alive'. Another point that goes to show the importance within awareness of listening to our bodies/our bodies needs.
I've gone a bit off track here...I see my want/desire to stay in bed for longer as a point of comfort. My bed is 'nice' and soft. I mean, it makes sense. I wouldn't want to sleep on a pile of rocks. My bed is soft for a reason, to assist my body in sleeping. I've noticed this behaviour in myself a lot. Like, if I watch some tv, I can either sit on the chair opposite my tv, or sit in bed. 99 times out of 100, I choose my bed! Why? Because I find it so comfortable. It's soft, it's nice, it's relaxing. My chair? Not so soft, not so relaxing, not so nice.
I realise that the only reason I don't use my laptop when in bed is because I have it hooked up to my tv, and I'd rather leave it that way when I watch things through my laptop that appear through my tv, thus.
Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come on my excuse to stay in bed because it's soft, and soft to me = comfortable.
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
To me, being popular is having many friends/colleagues that you can rely on somewhat, and that always or a lot of the time, ask one to hang out with them all the time/invite one to parties all the time. I never saw myself as popular in my life, not when I was at school, or at my first job. I've always been rather quiet in social situations when in school/at work. I know now that was based on a fear of judgments from others, hence a manifestation of shyness where I did not want to speak to others out of a fear of saying 'the wrong thing'.
When I look back at my time in school in particular, the popular kids/people were the ones who were funny, and the ones who were confident, basically. And they always had other people hanging out with them and around them at all times. I used to envy that. I always had friends at school, but seeing other people with lots of friends, I envied that/them. Although, in the last few years, I have somewhat 'liked' the statement saying 'Quality over quantity'. And I have sort of applied that statement in a lot of things. Including when in company with others, friends, colleagues, whatever...also in relation to food, like having nicely cooked food, over a whole lot of food that is either not cooked so well, or unhealthy.
And I can see that statement within my want to be popular. Like, those popular people that have people around them the whole time, many people that is, they certainly have the 'quantity' part covered. I am not so sure they have the 'quality' part covered. Although, I am sure that, well, especially at school, those people with many friends/people around them, they'd receive quite a large ego boost because of all of those people surrounding them. Like, "Hey, I have so many friends, must be because of how cool I am."
But certainly these days, I'd much rather have quality over quantity. Or to put it more specifically, inner quality. Inner-equality. Inner-oneness. I don't need things 'outside' of me. Why would I need a multitude of friends/people/colleagues around me if my origin point, ME, is stable within myself? I wouldn't. If I'm stable as my physical body, I wouldn't need to want to feel 'popular'. Where does having a bunch of people circled around me, where does that actually get me? Nowhere. It's sort of like, I'd be basing my popularity and thus 'coolness' onto those people circled around me, instead of finding inner coolness within myself as to be stable as myself only, without reliance on people/others and thus end up seeing others socialising with me as a sign that I am 'cool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look 'outside' of myself for answers and desires to be popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to be popular in the first place.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through my desire to be popular, see that I must have many friends/colleagues/people around me to 'feel' popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look within myself from a starting point of stability.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to put popularity over stability within myself as a physical body.
When and as I see myself wanting lots of friends/colleagues/people around me all the time in the hope of 'feeling' popular, I stop and breathe. I realise that I don't need to rely on things/people outside of myself to 'feel' a certain way. Thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that stability comes from within, I realise that if I'm stable within myself, then I will not feel the need/desire to want to be popular.
I commit myself to live 'quality over quantity' by focusing on myself foremost, and thus to stabilise myself, and as to then not rely on or feel the need to be with/around others or others around me to feel a certain way, to feel popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as popular, so that then other random people will see me as popular and then think to themselves that 'that guy must be cool, so I'll go and hang out with him.'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being 'liked' because of people circled around me and thus popularity, is not a starting point that I want to have. I commit myself to write to get to a stable point within myself whereas I don't need to be 'liked' because of something outside of myself/people outside of myself and thus be liked based on popularity.
I commit myself to not desire to be liked by everyone. I commit myself to realise that mutual liking between two people, or effective communication between two people is based on the two people at hand, thus I realise that a mutual understanding between two people should only be decided by those two people and not any 'outside' influences/people/things.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I do not need things outside of myself to be viewed as by others as 'cool'. And thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that coolness comes from within myself, and within my physical body.
I commit myself to not live within separation by relying on others to 'make me feel good' about myself.
I commit myself to see that I am the starting point of making myself 'feel good' - feel good, being stability.
I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself, and thus not change the directive principle to that of my mind and thus other people outside of myself.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am ALWAYS the origin point of change, not anybody/anything outside of myself, and thus I commit myself to stop looking for changes that are not from within me, otherwise, allow myself to begin a never ending journey whereas I am continually desiring change from something outside of me in which I will never be able to capture.
Tuesday, 2 December 2014
Last night I went out for dinner with someone, and after our meal, this person decided that we should both try our luck on the poker machines. I'm certainly not a fan of them. People gambling away all of their money. I mean, for me personally, I know now that I'd never reach that stage, I mean, with my understanding of my mind, and within that, addictions/attachments/desires, all known from my readings/knowings by Desteni, like, I know how the mind works in terms of...'one more go..' - on the poker machines that is. I've been like that before, telling myself to play just ONCE more, and of course, that once more turns into about 20 times more, and soon enough I realised that I lost something like $50.
Anyway, this person I was with, they occasionally played the poker machines. And they were rather lucky. They had only played, I mean, they played about...once every week/once every 2 weeks, about that amount, so not a whole lot, but they were telling me that luck was always on their side, as in, they'd always make a profit. If I'm not mistaken, a lot, if not all poker machines only give out money after a certain numbers of uses. So obviously, I mean, there's no 'skill' involved. It is based purely on luck, lining up those fruits, or whatever the symbol may be.
Anyway, what I found fascinating while I was playing on my poker machine was the sounds that the machine makes to draw me into keep on playing and to excite me to the point where I just literally want to keep playing for those 'nice' sounds that are made when one lines up a certain symbol on the poker machine that could lead to a jackpot of some sort. I also noticed this behaviour with the person I was with, where they got excited/told me they loved hearing that sound for when 1 symbol that could lead to a jackpot was lined up, then of course the poker machine randomly chooses the other lines and one just hopes to hear that 'lucky' sound to know that they are on their way to a jackpot/profit.
I found it really cool, though. Because, before investigating Desteni, knowing about the mind, I had no clue what made me enjoy playing poker machines so much. And now, it was literally the first time I had played poker machines since investigating Desteni, and it was super cool knowing how poker machines draw a person in. And it is so amazingly evident to how people get addicted to poker machines/gambling in general. For poker machines, all the flashy lights, all their 'winning' sounds. Also, they attempt to make one think that they're in 'control' when all a person in fact is doing is pressing a button, after that, the machine decides, not the individual playing on the machine.
So, the person I was with lent me some money to use on the machine. We used a machine each, and used $5 each. We played for about 10 minutes, and we both made a profit and then walked away.
In any case, I just wanted to share my experience with poker machines AFTER investigating Desteni material - Lite/Pro/the numerous articles/interviews - because my newfound awareness of how the mind works within addictions to poker machines was really awesome to see/know of/realise when using a poker machine.
Sunday, 30 November 2014
Note - I realise that I've misspelt 'Gollum'.
Okay, so..I've seen the 3 LOTR films. I quite like them. I like the first 2 movies, the third movie...I'm not so much a fan of. And it's down to one thing - the betrayal that is involved at some point. It's quite interesting that I'd dislike a movie based on one moment in the film. Like, I felt so strongly about it, that I decided to avoid watching the movie at all. Anyway, I'm bringing this up because the third movie, I watched it on tv the other day.
It was really interesting. I saw that it was going to be on tv, and I felt an immediate aversion. Like, I really know what to expect of the film. Anyway, through writing, I've realised that to avoid a movie because of a point which I am basically avoiding as to avoid facing certain points, that is a mistake. So, I watched the film all the way through, it was cool, but yes, I did still feel the same way as I had when watching the movie in earlier instances.
Okay, so.......it's basically the part/parts where Golem, Frodo and Sam are journeying ever closer to Mordor to burn the ring..one ring to rule them all. And in the third movie, maybe a quarter/halfway through the movie, Golem attempts to trick Frodo into seeing Sam as 'the bad guy'. And Golem succeeds. One part in particular, where Golem takes the bread out of the bag and makes the scene look very much NOT in Sam's favour, Golem makes the scene look like Sam had basically eaten the last of the bread. Golem does this while Frodo and Sam are both sleeping, thus unsuspecting.
So, Sam has these bread crumbs all over him, and the bread itself was thrown off the cliff by Golem. As a means of saying that Sam ate the last of the bread, and the bread crumbs are a dead give away to Sam's lack of care for Frodo/only caring for himself. Frodo believes this. Because well...Frodo and Sam then both wake up. I think that Sam goes to look for the bread for Frodo perhaps, and realises that the bread is missing. Sam suspects that Golem is the cause. Sam was rather wise from the start, he knew Golem was up to tricks from the start.
So, after Sam basically goes after Golem with the mindset that Golem basically threw away the bread or perhaps ate it himself (even though Golem does not actually like the bread) Frodo then intervenes, and stops Sam from attacking and hurting Golem, Frodo defends Golem. Which actually I realise now does make sense...I mean, Golem has been leading Frodo and Sam towards Mordor. So, Frodo would THINK/HOPE that Golem was NOT leading them astray/taking them on a 'dodgy' path towards Mordor, albeit, Frodo was deceived.
So, Frodo, well actually......Golem first sees the crumbs on Sam, I mean obviously Golem knew the crumbs were on Sam, as Golem was the one who places the crumbs expertly onto Sam! Golem shows Frodo the crumbs on Sam, and Frodo immediately suspects Sam as the culprit of the suspicious missing bread. Frodo validates this by saying that Golem does in fact dislike the bread, and thinks that Golem would never even touch the bread, let alone eat it.
SO, from there, Frodo turns against Sam. That is what I felt strongly about. I find it very interesting! So basically, I'm reacting to the fact that Frodo can just 'disregard' the 'loyalty' and disregard his best pal, Sam. He trusts in Golem so much, that Frodo just....rips apart a friendship. Anyway, so Frodo tells Sam to go home, and Sam is crying, Sam feels betrayed. Sam knows the truth, but Frodo does not, which is interesting...Golem is so powerful in a sense that he is very conniving and deceiving, he had the ability to trick Frodo into seeing Sam as the enemy, when in fact Golem himself was the only 'enemy' Golem himself was the culprit of the missing bread, and thus 'ruining' the friendship of Sam and Frodo, although, later on when in a cave with Golem, Frodo realises his mistakes, and he realises that Golem was 'evil' and that Sam was correct.
So yeah, this whole saga/scene/scenario 'hit close to home' for me. Lol actually..this is rather funny, but just now I had the memory of how when I was in class with a group of about 20 people, well......we were all sat down on the floor and watching a movie or something, not sure exactly, or perhaps we were being read a story..anyway......my best mate at that time, he let out some gas, lol. Everyone in the class gasped, "Ew!" they said. I knew at the time it was my best mate, as I was sitting right next to him, and immediately, he put the blame on me! Lol. I was convicted of farting. Lol. I remember feeling betrayed. My best friend did not take responsibility for the fart. And, everyone ended up seeing me as the culprit lol.
I was hesitant in writing about THAT. Because I deem flatulence as 'gross'.
Okay, so next time...I'll write about that memory of betrayal that I felt when in proximity of the class/my best mate, and forgive myself.
And also after that, forgive myself for my seeing of flatulence as 'gross' lol.
Until next time..
Thursday, 27 November 2014
Since I got my driver's license, I've always felt quite 'nervous' when I for instance drive past a cop car. Or....basically, whenever I see a cop car on the roads that is in my vicinity while I'm driving. It's like "Shit.......I hope I'm not doing anything to deserve being fined or locked up in jail." I mean come on, I somewhat have a right to be 'nervous' especially as one can get 'done' by cops for the most pointless reasons in existence. Number plate slightly covered? That's a $150 dollar fine, thank you.
I haven't been caught for a slightly hidden number plate, or pulled over for speeding. I mean, I see no point in speeding. Why put myself/other road users at risk? Pointless. I've not even been pulled over to be checked for alcohol intake/drugs intake, which I'm a bit surprised about since I've had my license for a few years and am on 'P' plates - And 'P' platers have a reputation, so to speak.
Got a few parking fines, that's about it, they end up costing a fortune, anyway. But anyway....I was driving home today, and there was a truck parked in my lane up ahead. And thus I had to drive into the oncoming lane to get past that truck. I did so, as I saw no cars approaching from that lane, drove past the truck, and I saw a cop car in that oncoming lane, just as I was passing the parked truck. That cop was driving quite fast I might add...guess speed limits don't count for them.....
And as I got back in my rightful driving lane, I did panic somewhat. I always have this feeling if I'm passing a cop...such as.......I mean, I basically think "Fuck, they're going to do a u-turn and come after me!" I mean, it's crazy that I even feel it necessary to react this way. Why do I feel this way? I go back to what I said earlier, cops, police authority can fine a person, pull over a person for almost anything these days. Any excuse to take our money! They don't care, they're just 'doing their job'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear cop cars in all ways, shapes and forms.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being fined/pulled over by a cop for some unknown reason.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within a fear of cops, which has been brainwashed into me as to fear the 'law' and fear 'what they can do to me' rendering me helpless and 'weak' because of the POWER that 'authorities' have over me.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see cops as 'better than me' and more powerful than me, just because they are the 'law'.
When and as I see myself seeing a cop car/driving past a cop car, or a cop car is driving behind me, and I FREAK OUT, I stop and breathe. I realise that as long as I'm driving within suggested speed limits and know that I'm abiding the law, I have NO reason to freak out or panic - thus, I commit myself to drive carefully and appropriately as I always do, no matter what sort of car is behind me/beside me/that I see, cop car or regular car.
I commit myself to drive for myself and other road users in terms of being careful/considerate of other road users, and not 'change' the way that I'm driving if a cop car/cop comes into view whatsoever.
Sunday, 23 November 2014
Jee, I've had an aversion to blood for as long as I can remember. I've just always felt 'queasy' at the sight of blood. Whether it be on tv, in books, whether it's videos or images, just the sight of blood makes me feel uneasy. I can't remember an exact/specific moment/memory when I realised that blood was not my forte. But, there have many occasions in which I've almost felt like passing out due to my inability to 'handle' seeing blood in any way, shape or form.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear blood.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to through brainwashing/advertising, see blood as 'disgusting' and 'wrong' and thus feel uneasy and ill when and as I see blood in any way, shape or form.
When and as I see myself seeing images/videos of blood and considering the blood as 'not normal', I stop and breathe. I realise that although generally the sign of blood means 'something is wrong', that blood is in fact apart of each human and each animal within existence.
When and as I see myself viewing inner organs of my human body as repulsive, I stop and breathe. I realise that my inner organs are what makes me, ME. I realise that my inner organs are what keeps me living, and that they are what physically assists me to keep going in this world.
When and as I see myself seeing surgeries on tv and being repulsed by blood/inner organs of humans when and as they are being cut up etc, I stop and breathe. I realise that surgery is sometimes necessary to give the body further capabilities to live, and to survive, and thus, I commit myself to see my inner organs/blood as my equal, as it is me, in each breath, I commit myself to not see my inner organs/blood as 'not apart' of me, or something 'extra' which is just 'gross'. I realise that nothing is 'gross', unless I place an attachment of 'grossness' to something, which I have done in reference to inner organs/blood.
When and as I see myself seeing blood/inner organs in any way, shape or form and feeling lightheaded/uneasy/queasy, I stop and breathe. I realise that feeling like that is only possible through my participation within my mind and thus seeing/labelling blood/inner organs as 'gross' or 'disgusting' and thus I realise that through doing so, I manifest feeling lightheaded/uneasy/queasy within my physical body, when in reality, blood/inner organs are clearly NATURAL and apart of ME, and each life within existence, thus it's NOT something to fear or be 'scared' of, it's what helps me and all life FUNCTION within existence.
I commit myself to not see my body from an outside perspective exclusively, I commit myself to not see my body as just skin and hair. I commit myself to not ignore my veins for instance as I type this out, the veins that I can see on my hands. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that all of these things, veins, blood vessels, they are what makes me stay ALIVE. They are not 'gross', they are not unnatural, they are ME, I am THEM - and together, they make me alive. I am alive within the blood vessels, the veins, my inner organs, blood, hair, my skin. These are all mandatory inclusions of my human body and thus I commit myself to see them all as my equal in every way, shape and form, and NOT to 'ignore' any part of myself that I find 'disgusting' otherwise that is thus me living within separation of my OWN body, instead of taking my body as ONE unit, albeit, different parts. Like, my body being different puzzle pieces, and it all coming together to allow me to survive in this world and do what I can do to create an existence that is best for all life, one and equal.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed to 'believe' in the '11:11 message' just because of an association it had with Desteni, whereas because I know of Desteni to be the best for all way in which to change myself, that I attached and believed that 11:11 time attachment to Desteni to be true.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate and hang onto the memories of the times when I 'occasionally' saw the 11:11 time, whether it be checking my phone, or looking at the clock - and participating within those memories when and as I saw that the Self & Living page uploaded the artwork at '11:11 pm'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see the 11:11 time as a 'message' from the grave, that being my deceased brother. Within this, I realise that I was HANGING onto a 'dream' and a 'spiritual message' that I had created within myself that I WANTED to believe, but that was in fact just that, a dream, a lie - and a slender hope of 'conversing' with my deceased brother.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise within myself that I was literally WANTING to see the 11:11 time.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that those times that I saw the 11:11 time, NOTHING actually CHANGED within myself, in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER. I realise that the only thing that 'changed' was that I felt 'happy' and 'shocked' to see the 11:11 time, but nothing actually changed within how I direct myself - because alas that is impossible. Spiritual FAKE messages don't change a person, PRACTICAL awareness and direction ACTUALLY change a person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up in the whole wanting to see the 11:11 message and feeling happy and surprised when and as I saw the 11:11 message, that I completely abdicated myself within my own life and was so fixated on seeing the 11:11 time, that I was 'up with the fairies' participating within a magical and wanting message that did not truly exist AT ALL.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to because of my previous beliefs in God, to 'create' associations to my deceased brother and thus the 11:11 time when I saw that 'it all made sense' when in reality, I was hanging onto something for the sake of it, instead of MOVING ON within my life and DOING THINGS that actually assist me within my life, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT move on and to continue to 'hang onto' self-created messages and 'signs' from my deceased brother.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see the COINCIDENCE occurrences happening when and as I saw the 11:11 time, and seeing the 11:11 time at which time the Self & Living page uploaded some artwork. Thus, when and as I see myself throwing COMMON SENSE out the window to instead want to 'believe' in spiritual messages and signs from the grave or wherever they may be, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to be 'drawn into' religious writings and spiritual writings that associate the 11:11 time with spiritual messages and messages from deceased loves ones and things along the lines of that.
I commit myself to see the 11:11 time if I do so, and NOT react within emotions/feelings, as that is me participating again within memories of 'wanting' to see a 'spiritual' message from my deceased brother, instead of BREATHING and realising within myself that the 11:11 time is simply a TIME, just like any other time, whether that be 11:12 or 11:13, whatever it may be.
Thursday, 20 November 2014
11:11 pm....as you can see by the above picture/page that I screen captured from my mobile phone, the new 'Self & Living' page...a photo uploaded by the page...was at '11:11 pm'. I had shared this artwork not long ago, but only had noticed this morning as I was checking out Facebook...that the time this image was uploaded was at 11:11 pm. I used to hold an attachment to the 11:11 time. I was one of those people who saw it as some 'spiritual' awakening sort of message. Perhaps from my deceased brother.
And although I have not for the last few years had any 'attachment' to the 11:11 time, seeing this image, it being associated with Desteni and Sunette - I went 'back' into those thoughts/those memories of maybe it AGAIN being some spiritual message...except I believed myself to accept that THIS time...it held more 'leverage' because it was uploaded by a page associated with Desteni. So, I in turn saw this particular 11:11 time relation as 'perhaps true'...
So, I've been stuck in a polarity whereas I see that "Okay, come on...this is just a simple coincidence." and the opposite being "Wait a minute...maybe this is legitimate! Desteni - 11:11...maybe it's a sign." Lol.
You know, when I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body, I KNOW that it is merely a coincidence. Jee....I've had this thought before actually. I haven't done it myself, but others probably have, like that...people actually WAIT until 11:11, whether it be am/pm, the wait until that time to upload a picture or whatever it may be. That somewhat crossed my MIND. That this Self & Living page, the person uploading the picture waited until it was 11:11, and then uploaded this artwork. Lol...how about no.
I recently replied to someone via text. I saw their message hours later, text back, to see that I replied at 11:11 am. Did I do that on purpose? Of course not. It was an utter coincidence. Although, at the time...I was thinking that the person that I sent that message to, maybe they think that I did in fact wait until 11:11 before replying to them. No, not a chance. That would be like forcing myself to belief in some spiritual message, instead of it happening................spiritually.
Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within memories of being told that I must socialise more when and as I see or hear the word 'socialise'. Within this, I realise that I've created a fear within the word 'socialise' and thus have reacted in anger when seeing/hearing the word and participating within memories of being told that I must socialise more and that I don't socialise enough by my parents.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place the blame on my parents and seeing them tell me that I must socialise more/I don't socialise enough, as damaging to me as a person. I realise that as I saw what they said to me as 'damaging' that I was in fact participating and playing as the victim character where I failed to take responsibility for the way in which I 'took' the words from my parents, thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within anger when and as I heard that I must socialise more/I don't socialise enough when spoken to me by my parents.
When and as I see myself seeing the word 'socialise' or hearing about the word or, seeing the word 'socialise' in ANY context and I thus see myself reacting within anger as I participate within memories of being told that I don't socialise enough/I must socialise more, I stop and breathe. I realise that my parents just wanted to see me 'happy' and didn't want me to be a 'social outcast'. I realise that they were only attempting to encourage me to hang out with friends, as they anticipated that spending time with my videogames only would not be healthy for me as a person, which is common sense - it's important to find a balance.
When and as I see myself fearing that I don't socialise 'enough', I stop and breathe. I realise that as long as my starting point is 'clear', that I don't have to 'fear' or 'worry' about socialising at a 'certain' amount - that as long as I'm 'cool' with who I am in the moment, then there's no reason for me to socialise for the sake of socialising - thus it's to do what I want to do, but to make sure my starting point is clear and valid.
I commit myself to see/hear the word 'socialise' in any way, shape or form, and NOT react to it within anger. I thus commit myself to not see/hear the word 'socialise' and participate within memories of my parents instructing me to socialise more/that I don't socialise enough - I commit myself to LET GO of those memories, and to thus continue on with my life in the PRESENT, and so that I can focus on the NOW, and enjoy the moment/each moment at hand that I partake in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel 'pressure' to 'perform' at a certain standard when socialising with friends, and seeing/thinking that I must be PERFECT with them and keep them occupied and make sure that 'they are having the time of their life' to prevent them from getting 'bored' and potentially not wanting to hang out with me again. I commit myself to change my 'personal' definition of socialising as 'needing to meet certain standards when socialising' to instead 'hanging out with people, friends or not - whoever it may be' as that is what socialising is, no strings attached and thus no 'standards' need to be met.
Sunday, 16 November 2014
I wrote about this in a recent entry, but I have to write about it more and deeper. And dissect it moreso. It's definitely in relation to my parents constantly telling me that I must socialise more. That is like....vivid in my memory. Vivid to a point where if I see the word 'socialise' or any word associated with socialising, I react. I react through participating with this memory, or rather..the memories - the constant memories of being told that I don't socialise enough with friends, that I thus spend too much time alone, too much time in my room - and it made me feel as if I was a social piranha. I actually realise now that it was rather 'damaging' to me. Of course, at the time.....that is how I saw it. I mean, I hated being told that I didn't socialise enough, that I spent too much time in my room, whether it was using my laptop or playing videogames. I enjoyed doing those things, but I was reminded daily that I must 'come out more'. I always rather play on my Playstation 3. Or socialise 'online' with others.
And when in scenarios where I was socialising with friends/people, I felt this 'pressure' to 'perform' to a certain standard. At the time, I thought this 'standard' was because of my parents' insistence of me to socialise more, but I realise now that the pressure that I felt was self-applied, I created it. Same with the standards. I conjured them up and participated within wanting to reach a certain standard of socialisation. And I was constantly angry with myself because I never felt like I reached the standards that I was capable of. So I always felt like I wasn't 'good enough' when with friends. I always wanted to make friends think that spending time with me was 'a great time'. So...instead of enjoying those moments with friends, I was participating in pressure moments the whole time, whereas I was constantly having backchats of needing to come up with 'cool' things to do with my friends. I was so weary of my friends being 'bored' when hanging out with me. But, I realise now, it's impossible for me to enjoy the MOMENT, if I am going back and forth with my mind, like an arm wrestle, trying to meet certain expectations and only looking to make sure that my friends were having fun when with me. I can't enjoy myself/my time with others if I'm abdicating myself and my own enjoyment.
So, this is what I'm going to forgive myself for. My reactions towards the word 'socialise'. That being within the starting point of my reactions from being told to socialise more with others by my parents.
To be continued.
Friday, 14 November 2014
I've noticed this a few times. I basically fear being labelled as a 'loner'. I live in an apartment-house type of thing, where there is 14 bedrooms. Just outside my bedroom door, is a 'games' area. There is a table tennis table, a pool table, and one of those soccer/football table's. For anyone to use. I was having a voice call with a friend on Skype, when I then decided to wash some dishes so that I could then use those dishes, the clean dishes...to make something to eat.
Albeit, I stopped in my tracks. I heard 2 males outside of my bedroom door. They started playing table tennis. At this time, I had decided to lie on my bed as a means to stay 'quiet'. I had already made the situation somewhat 'awkward' by my own free will. I'm not sure if they knew I was in my room or not, do they even care? Why do I even care..? I think it was someone that lives at the apartment, and a friend of his. They played table tennis, then pool. An hour later, they stopped and went downstairs. All the time, I had stayed quietly in my bed, not making a peep. Thus, I was sort of hoping that they thought I was not in my room. I was fearing that they thought that I was a loner because I was in my room, instead of socialising with others, as they were doing with eachother.
Which is admittedly insane. This and other occasions go to show that I still fear judgments from others, and let go of the grip of directing myself and thus my actions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled as a 'loner' just because of me being in my room by myself, instead of socialising with others in person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to literally STOP what I was doing/wanted to do, and instead change my plans, and do what I did NOT want to do, by lying in my bed and staying QUIET - as a means of acting like my presence was 'unknown' - through my fear of being seen/labelled as a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise my position/wants by staying 'quiet' - instead of going outside of my room, into the kitchen, washing my dishes and making something to eat.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'not be myself' by suppressing myself literally by attempting to make myself 'disappear' through the act of being quiet and thus non-existent.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself and facing my responsibilities by basically waiting until the heat wore off, in this case..waiting for the 2 males to be out of the games room, before I got out of bed/did what I had originally wanted to do.
When and as I see myself stopping myself from physically moving to do what I had planned on doing out of a fear of being labelled as a 'loner' when hearing others in my vicinity, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's up to me to do what I want to do with myself/my life, and it is not anybody else's choice/decision. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I must spend every waking second of my life socialising with others in person, or be labelled as a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person being alone/keeping to themselves/doing their own thing as them being a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define social happenings with others in person as the ONLY way that one can 'live' and the only way that one can 'improve themselves'. Within this, I see, realise and understand that this is simply not the case - I realise that writing IS my key to improving myself into what is best for all life, and that 'living' is what I am doing, regardless of the amount that I socialise with others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang onto the words of my parents in saying that 'I must socialise more'. And thus, have allowed and created a fear within myself of 'not socialising enough' with people, and thus fear being labelled as a 'loner' - like there is something 'wrong' with me/not 'normal'.
When and as I see myself participating within memories of being told by my parents that I must socialise more, I stop and breathe. I realise that according to them/their perceptions, in person socialising is what alters a person to being more confident/happy - within this, I realise that I've proven that theory 'incorrect', as I have noticed ACTUAL change within myself through WRITING, in which I do in my OWN time/by myself.
I commit myself to do what I want to do.
I commit myself to not stop what I am doing/want to do out of a fear that I participate in whereas I fear being labelled as a 'loner' by others through me not socialising with others in person, and instead keeping to myself/doing my own thing.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that SELF-CHANGE comes from WRITING - which I have seen/proven time and time again. Within this, I see, realise and understand the importance of making sure my writings have transferred into my physical being by engaging myself in physical/in person situations with others that I know/don't know, to know that I have changed within my physical body, through my writings.
Thursday, 13 November 2014
A while ago I had just gotten onto the train and I sat down. A few moments later, I heard somebody listening to electronic music, like, dance music, that one would hear in clubs. I looked over to expect a 'young' person to be there, listening to this electronic music through his/her earphones - but I was shocked to see an elderly person, with rather large headphones, listening to this electronic music. I noticed a few others giving this elderly person some 'glares'. Basically glares of confusion, as I'm sure that they, as well as I, did not expect to see an elderly person listening to electronic music. Hell, I wouldn't even expect to normally see an elderly person on a train listening to any music with earphones/headphones, albeit, even knowing how to function an iPod/mp3 player/portable music playing device.
So, after my prior shock, I ended up realising it was cool. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. It was cool that the elderly person was listening to the music in which he liked to listen to. But of course, within myself, I'd be expecting him/an elderly person generally to be listening to something more along the lines of.....Mozart, perhaps. Or, the Beatles. But even within that, with the Beatles, you know...I like listening to the Beatles. That is interesting in itself as well. I think older folk would be surprised that I/'younger' people would enjoy listening to the Beatles. So - it's interesting how depending on what music that era came from, we have preconceived notions of what age group might/might not actually like/not like.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with shock when seeing that the person that was listening to the electronic music was in fact NOT a 'younger' person, but was in fact an elderly person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define electronic music as being ONLY listenable by 'younger' people, and within this, judging electronic music as 'off limits' to 'older' people.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deem age group appropriate listening depending on what era the music was originally from, instead of seeing, realising and understanding that music holds no boundaries to whatever the age a person actually is.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only expect something 'classic' like Mozart to be listened to be an elderly person.
When and as I see myself defining music from different eras to only certain specific demographics, I stop and breathe. I realise that music is universal and can thus be listened to be anyone of any age of any gender or race - with no boundaries whatsoever.
I commit myself to not judge anyone for listening to a specific type of music.
I commit myself to not judge an elderly person for listening to electronic music.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I'd not 'care' that a 'younger' person listened to 'older' music such as the Beatles, thus there's no reason for me to 'care' that an 'older' person listens to 'newer' music that is electronic.
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hear accents that I'm unfamiliar with, and judge them as 'unusual' on the basis that I am not used to hearing different accents/the accent is not the 'typical' accent - as I live in Australia.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'glance' at the direction of the accent that I hear, to see WHO is speaking with the said accent.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see all accents as equal accents and thus equal people who are 'behind' those accents. I realise that different accents does not change who a person is or how they present themselves/move themselves in the world.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be somewhat 'fond' of British accents, and to somewhat 'dislike' American accents. Within this, I realise that in relation to American accents, I've accepted and allowed myself to react within negativity because of all the 'hate' that I see towards American/the American government, and thus I manifest that through seeing/hearing American accents as peculiar/unusual/uninviting and basically to sum those up, as 'uncool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow influences of negative perceptions towards American/the American government/America's richest people to alter the way in which I react to the American accent, by seeing/hearing the American accent as 'not cool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to generalise Americans through the 'hate' that I see/hear through news articles/videos that I see on tv/online, and thus generalise the American population only because of the actual Americans that are involved in conspiracies/profit gain/exploitation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that accents don't define a person, and that an accent is dependent simply on where one is born/raised - no other conditions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow preferences towards the British accent, only from the starting point of me not hearing/seeing 'bad' things about Britain/the British government. I realise that ALL governments, one way or another, are formed via corruption/scandals/exploitation - as that is how capitalism works/functions in society.
When and as I see myself reacting when hearing 'different' accents in which I'm simply 'not accustomed to', I stop and breathe. I realise that to have a starting point of generalising people based on corrupt governments is not cool, and completely unnecessary.
When and as I see myself in public and hearing accents that I'm not accustomed to and instantly participating/manifesting backchats that those people 'do not belong', I stop and breathe. I realise that just because I live in Australia, does NOT mean in any way, shape or form that 'other' accents 'do not belong' in Australia, OR are 'not allowed' in Australia. I realise that through brainwashing and advertisements, I've allowed myself to view 'overseas' based accents/people as 'not allowed' to live in Australia, and seeing it as 'unusual' to be in contact with accents that are not 'natural' to Australia.
When and as I see myself defining a person by their accent, I stop and breathe. I realise that an accent only exists because of where a person lives/was born/and/or raised.
I commit myself to see ALL accents as equal to my accent/me.
I commit myself to not hold or allow within myself any prejudice towards accents in which I'm not accustomed to.
I commit myself to not generalise Americans because of hateful things that I see/hear of towards the American government/towards America in general.
I commit myself to stand equal and one with ALL accents and all nationalities and thus all people/animals/things/life in this world - as we are all one and equals.