Sunday, 24 August 2014

Day 266 – Intimidated by school teenagers, memory of major shyness when school teenager

What I’ve noticed within myself is a reaction of shyness emerging within me when in the vicinity of school teenagers. And I also realise that it is a triggered memory within myself of when I was myself a school teenager, I had a major shyness in my schooling years. Even in primary school. So when I think about it/realise it now, it’s that my whole schooling years, I was majorly shy around other school-goers.

I was on the train with school teenagers. I overheard them, they were about 17, or one of them was. Well, there were a lot of school teenagers on the train and school children in general because I caught the train just as all/most of the school students finished school. And I was standing on the train, and there was a group of about 3 school students, the 17 year olds, and I felt this shyness coming up within myself. I didn’t know them, nor did they know me, yet I felt shyness, I felt shy.

But I realised that when I was a student, I was always shy amongst other students. Fears including “What will they think of me?” “Will they like me?” Those sorts of backchats within myself as a student. Lol, and I realised back then, the more ‘awkward’ I acted around students, the more awkward I physically was. I was so caught up in trying to act ‘natural’ with the other students when I myself was a student, that I ended up displaying an awkward character because I was visibly hesitant, shy.

So that’s a definite, the more that I thought about and tried to be someone ‘natural’, the worse it became for me. Those situations, social situations, they don’t require constant thinking to be ‘natural’. Naturalness should be just that – NATURAL. Being natural doesn’t require backchats, constant overthinking, things of that nature. It requires one/me to be myself – which as I know as of now, is a physical body which does NOT require all of the backchats in which I accepted and allowed at that time as a student.

What I noticed in school, is that there are all these ‘labels’. There were the ‘cool’ kids, the ‘nerds’, the ‘rebels’, lol, and so on. Oh, and they ‘quiet’ group, I suppose. I was in that group, although there were some ‘not so quiet’ people in my group. But now that I look back at the situation, I started meeting a bunch of new people, so there were no more groups. I had individual friends that I hung out with.

But when it came to unfamiliar groups of students, or student groups that I did not know as well or was as close to, that is when my shy character/personality emerged. Even now/these days, I’ve noticed that I prefer it when socialising with one other person, as opposed to groups of people. So – the groups of people was the trigger towards my major shyness character in which I accepted and allowed.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come..

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