Sunday, 24 August 2014

Day 268 - Fear of bike riding, bike injury memory

I guess I've known of this fear within myself for a while now. But I've not faced it until now. The only time I ever consider riding my bike is when my father asks me if I'd like to. I don't have my own bike after all. Hmm, I'm not exactly sure how long ago it was, but about..7 years ago, I had an accident while I was riding my bike with my father on a bike/walking track near his house. What happened was, I was going downhill, not very fast, but my shoelace got caught in the spokes or something and it halted my speed and I front flipped over the front side of the handlebars.

It happened so fast. I was feeling really dizzy at the time, and really ill. I thought my arm was broken, but it was only fractured. And I had a large gash on my right ankle. I still have scars there to this day from the stitches that were put into my ankle. Yes..that is another thing that makes me fear riding my bike, when I see my scars on my ankle. I immediately think to myself "Fuck, that was a painful experience when I got that gash on my ankle." And sometimes I fear re-opening the gash through perhaps again having an accident while riding my bike.

So, I've basically avoided riding any bike whatsoever for about.....5 years. I can't remember if I rode my bike soon after the accident, probably not. I remember I couldn't do much for a few months because my arm was in a cast. No, So it's more like since that accident, I haven't rode my bike or any bike for that matter. All because of this memory within myself of injuring my ankle/arm whilst riding my bike within an accident occurring thereafter.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to ride a bike.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see the scars on my ankle from the gash that I got when riding my bike, and within that, participating within the memory of when and how I GOT that gash on my ankle, and within that, also going into a 'painful' experience within myself when I feel the pain of the gash since I am participating within the memory and looking back at how the accident occurred.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear riding my bike because of myself allowing myself to enter into the memory of the 'painful' experience that I had when I injured myself by accident while riding my bike.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear re-opening the gash where my stitches are, and thinking that if I go bike riding again, I'll most likely re-open the gash and have to get additional stitches/more treatment, from the starting point of pain firstly, and fearing myself having to experience that pain again if I were to have another accident while riding my bike.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not participate within the memory of injuring myself while riding my bike, and instead learn from the experience as that I must make sure my shoe laces are tied correctly and not going to get caught up in the spokes of the bike and thus cause another accident to happen.

I commit myself to see the situation as a learning experience, whereas I now know not to have protruding shoe laces or shoe laces that are too long and thus will interfere with the spokes on my bike if I am riding my bike and get myself into an accident/injury-sort of situation.

When and as I see myself fearing to ride a bike, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must NOT participate within the backchats within myself and the trigger memory within myself of when I injured myself by accident through failing to look at safety procedures correctly in terms of tying my shoe laces correctly/making sure that my shoe laces don't come undone and interfere with my bike-riding.

When and as I see myself seeing the scars on my ankle and immediately participating within the trigger memory of when and how I got those stitches/scars in the first place, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must not see the scars as a FEAR, but see them instead as a failure on my behalf when I didn't take necessary precautions when I was younger and thus fell off my bike, injuring myself. I commit myself to NOT be/become attached to the scars on my ankle in a fearful way, realising that if I do that, then I'm allowing myself to be directed by my scars - within that, I'll be constantly living within a fear of re-opening the scars/riding my bike.

I commit myself to realise, see and understand that it was only because of ONE reason theoretically that I had the accident in the first place - through failing to realise that my shoe laces were undone - and within that, taking necessary actions when riding a bike in future through making sure that my shoe laces are shorter/won't come undone/not wearing shoe laces at all - and thus prevent myself from having another accident through shoe laces being caught in the spokes when and as I am riding my bike.

I commit myself to when and as I next ride my bike again, to NOT ride my bike within a fear program in which I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in - I realise that if I am riding within fear, then I will be CONSTANTLY expecting myself to fall over and injure myself again - thus I commit myself to not ride within a fear program within myself, I commit myself to stop and breathe to bring myself back here and where I can then ride my bike as my physical self/body, pushing the pedals with my feet, and guiding the bike with my arms/hands.

I commit myself to not participate within the trigger memory of falling off my bike when I am actually riding my bike next/in present.

I commit myself to see the scars on my ankle through my bike accident as a realisation, NOT a fear.

I commit myself to direct myself physically when riding my bike.

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