Thursday, 2 October 2014
Day 303 - Big nose fear
I was in the city today in a rather crowded area, waiting to catch the train back home. All of a sudden, I participated within this fear that my big nose is disgusting, that it's hideous, that people find me disgusting for having a big nose. I accept that I have a big nose. I used to somewhat avoid admitting that I do have a big nose, but what is the point of that? I have a big nose. But does it define me? Only if I allow it to - and I am NOT allowing my big nose to define me, as it is but ONE physical feature of me - and why whatsoever should I live in a constant fear because of the physical appearance of my nose, something that I literally have no control over? There is no reason for me to fear other's judgements towards my big nose.
I do have a big nose when compared to other's noses, lol. But, we all have different sized everything. Anyway..I related this fear to a memory I had when I was in high school. It was before classes had started, so I and the other students were in the long hallway where all of our lockers were placed - we were getting our books and whatnot, preparing for our first class. A 'sort of' friend of mine and I started jokingly arguing. It was nothing serious, it was all fun-spirited. Anyway, this person said that I had a 'big nose'. I remember feeling rather down at the time. I know it was all in 'good fun', but still, I allowed myself to take it personally and reacted with sadness.
That is the memory that sticks in my mind the most. There would have been other instances when I would have had fears about my big nose, but this is the one that sticks the most. If others come up/I feel the need to write other memories out, I will do so - but just this one for now.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the memory of someone saying that I have a 'big nose'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in a public area, fear that people find my big nose 'disgusting' when and as I see myself participating within the memory of someone saying I have a 'big nose'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the size of my nose - within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that my nose is just but one physical feature of my face, among a bunch of other physical features - I therefore commit myself to accept all of my physical facial features for what they are, instead of holding them against myself through an energetic fear reaction.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my big nose, thus my mind to be the directive principle within guidance of myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept my big nose for what it is.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label myself as 'disgusting' just because commonly, people that I see have 'small' noses - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept my nose, no matter the size of it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within emotions/feelings when I hear comments about my nose from others.
When and as I see myself participating within a fear that my big nose is 'disgusting' in terms of others' seeing it/being near my big nose, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within a memory of someone commenting that I had a 'big nose', and that I have lived within separation by participating within that memory and remembering the 'sadness' that I felt within myself as I heard those words 'big nose' being said by someone.
I commit myself to accept my nose for what it is.
I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself - not allowing myself to define myself by the size of my nose, thus be directed by my mind.
I commit myself to accept that I do have a big nose when compared to others' noses, but I commit myself to NOT hold that against myself - as it is something that is OUT of my control.
I commit myself to not allow a big nose from doing anything that I'd normally do in any way, shape or form, if I in fact had a different sized nose - a smaller nose.