Saturday, 4 October 2014

Day 304 - Destonian level

I spoke to a fellow Destonian via phone the other day. It was the second time I had spoken to this Destonian via phone. They were the one who had introduced me to Desteni in the first place. I remember the first time I spoke with this person, I felt that I wasn't at their level, that I was irrelevant when compared to them, that I was not good enough. I burdened myself with weight in trying and at the same time, failing to get to their 'level'.

That was mainly because of things that this person said to me. I don't know if this person intended this, but the way I saw it - I had to have a certain 'level' of Desteni knowledge before I could be 'accepted' into this person's 'circle' so to speak. I presently do not feel that way now, and I have not felt the need to meet a 'level' or meet 'standards' as to relate to this person. Whether that is down to my changing within myself, the other person's changing, or most likely - both of our changing/us changing.

But, because of that 'feeling' I got when I spoke to this person, I still compare myself 'negatively' to this person. And as I was talking to them on the phone, I felt that I had to make sure I said the 'right' thing, otherwise I'll be misunderstood/not liked by this person. So, I was in theory putting all this pressure upon myself to say the 'correct' things, so that this person would not change their approach to me - even though I had done just that, I had changed my approach to them - as in, instead of being natural and self-honest within myself/while communicating with this person, I was 'someone else', I was the 'person pleaser' - all to do with that early instance of communication that I had with this person when I first met them.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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