Thursday, 6 November 2014
Day 323 - Using different words for different people
So, I was conversing with another housemate of mine at the new house that I recently moved into. We were just casually talking outside while he was having a smoke. Suddenly, I exclaimed that 'I need to take a leak.' which if people don't understand, means that I had to pee. Instantly after I said that, I felt somewhat uncomfortable. I knew instantly that using the word 'leak' instead of 'pee' was be being dishonest. That is not 'who I am'. Not saying that using the word 'leak' is vulgar or insensitive, but it's not something that I feel the need to use.
Right, so there are a few factors to this situation.
1. I saw the person I was talking to as 'cool' and 'above' others.
2. I saw the word 'leak' as a 'cool' word. Within this, I saw the word 'pee' as a 'lame' word.
SO, I was basically using the word 'leak' instead of 'pee' because I thought to myself 'What would this person think of me if I were to use the word 'pee' instead of the word 'leak'?
That right there is major overthinking of situation that requires NO overthinking/thinking whatsoever. But, it was all down to me attempting to appear 'cool' - again, as I saw that the other person was 'cool' hence, I had to use 'cool' words when talking to him, otherwise be labelled as 'lame' lol.
So, the first thing I want to forgive myself for here is seeing this person as 'cooler' than others, and 'above' others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define another as 'cooler' than the average person and 'above' the average person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deem another as 'cooler' than the average person because of the way he spoke and the way he presented himself - within this, I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to predetermine people who present themselves 'well' and who speak 'well' as better than others/above others - thus I realise that I'm living and speaking to another within separation, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to speak to another from the starting point of separation.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled as 'lame' or 'uncool' if I were to use the word 'pee' as opposed to the word in which I attached a positive energy to, that being 'leak'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energy to the word 'leak'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself through not saying what I WANTED to say, and thus instead, participating within my mind and my mind's desires to want to appear 'cool' or better/above others/the average person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I was talking to a person that I deemed as 'average' and 'not above others' that I would have in fact used the word 'pee' if I needed to excuse myself to use the toilet.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live and talk and say words within inequality, whereas I've been defining others and thus defining my words based on one's appearance/the way in which they present themselves/speak to me.
When and as I see myself defining another as 'cool' or 'average' based on their appearance/how they present themselves/how they speak to me, I stop and breathe. I realise that by doing so, I am directing myself within separation, whereas I am failing to see another and thus all others as equals to me, within this, I realise that I just as they are/all others are life, and do not need to be defined by labels/words.
When and as I see myself entering different personalities/promoting myself as different personalities depending on the person that I'm speaking to, I stop and breathe. I again realise that I am living within separation by doing so, as there is only ONE me, not multiple me's - realising also that there are only multiple me's/personalities if I allow myself to continue to participate within my mind and thus define myself differently based on a person who I'm talking to and thus also defining them in one way or another.
I commit myself to direct myself by using words that I as my physical being/self want to use.
I commit myself to not participate within my mind, whereas I want to be 'seen' as 'cool' or 'above' the average person and thus appear as someone that is better than others - which I realise is separation.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am but ONE person, and thus ONE personality.
I commit myself to not define others/label others in any way, shape or form, as this is separation and that is to fail to see others as my equal in each breath/step that I take as life.
I commit myself to not attach positive/negative energies to specific words and to then use those words in specific/context-specific scenarios which depend on the person I am talking to/the environment that I am in at the time.
I commit myself to BREATHE when and as I see myself considering the 'words' that I should be 'using' and to through breath, bring myself back to my physical body whereas I'm merely but ONE person who uses one set of words, without needing to use specific words to appear as a personality in which I created and am being through my mind.