Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Day 325 - Selfie phobia


I realised that as I took a selfie of myself while at the beach. It occurred to me that as people were leaving the beach, and as I noticed that everyone near me had left the beach, it was like....."hey, it's selfie time!" lol, well, I thought why not...I felt like taking one. Actually, it was as I checked my photo after getting home/uploading it to Facebook, that I realised that wait a minute....the intention of a selfie and my actual selfie/want to take a selfie only happened when I was basically alone - when none could see me taking a selfie.

I then realised that I allowed myself to meet 'certain conditions' and 'requirements' to take a selfie. Those conditions/requirements being to wait until I was alone. Why? Because I feared being judged by others as self-obsessed. Backchats that run through my mind now and when considering selfies in the past with people in my vicinity, it runs along the lines of me envisioning people saying "What a loser, taking a selfie.." "Talk about obsessive!" "He must love himself" lol, things like that. Those are the judgements I expect from others if I were to take a selfie in public, basically.

So, right then and there, I've given the 'power' to others, to the people in my vicinity. I'm literally allowing them to hold the cards so to speak. I'm not directing myself, I'm allowing others to direct me/dictate what I do. And it's also to realise that hey..they may think that of me, they may say that about me, I may even overhear them saying that about me - that I'm self-obsessed, in love with myself - but it's not about them/what they think of me, it's only about what my STARTING POINT of a selfie is.

I literally only took one selfie. It's not like I did/would chill at the beach and take 50 selfies of myself, while pulling all different faces.....actually, writing that, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing right or wrong with that. It depends solely on the starting point. Having realisations as I write this, always a good sign of self-honesty! It's not like there's some set-requirement of the amount of selfies to take or not take in one sitting. I don't want limits, nobody wants limits. Why limit oneself? 50 selfies, okay..maybe not that many, perhaps 20. It could be to free myself out of a fear of some sort, of pulling 'silly faces' for instance. I could pull whacky faces to get over a fear of mine, to release myself from that fear, and also write it out. Do both. Writing, and the practical.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a selfie of myself in public/when others are in my vicinity and/or not looking at me while doing so.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgements from others as I take a selfie, with backchats of people saying "Talk about obsessive!" "He must love himself." "what a loser, taking a selfie..".

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give the 'power' of my responsibility/actions to people that I do not know, or, even if I do know them, just people in general - through giving into a fear, and a fear of judgements from them - thus allowing them to dictate my actions, those being taking a selfie of myself - and them being in my vicinity or not dictating whether I infact take a selfie of myself or not.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at my starting point of a selfie - and to thus realise that as long as my starting point is not 'unhealthy' - unhealthy in terms of a number of things such as being obsessed with myself or being obsessive in other ways - that I do not have to 'fear' judgements from others, Within this, I realise that it's never appropriate to 'fear' judgements from others for taking selfies of myself - and to always thus bring it back to SELF, and write out my own fears/fears of judgements towards my character when and as I see myself taking/wanting to take selfies of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that what others think of me/how others judge me is NOT in my hands in any way, shape or form - and to thus realise that I can ONLY change MY reactions and MYSELF, and how I see situations/myself/others - to realise also that attempting to change another to 'suit' me is a maze that I'll never get out of/win.

When and as I see myself considering/wanting to take a selfie when in the vicinity of others, but stopping and not actually doing so out a fear of judgements from others about what they think of me as I am taking a selfie, I stop and breathe. I realise that to fear judgements from others about actions that I take, taking a selfie, is a fear. Maybe not a HUGE fear, maybe not a 'necessary' fear, but a fear nonetheless - and thus I commit myself to not be detracted by others for means of taking a selfie.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'smiling' when taking a selfie in public.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view 'smiling' in public as 'lame'. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have and react within negative connotations and thus negative energies towards smiling, as I see it as 'posing'.

When and as I see myself wanting to take selfies that look 'neutral' and thus not 'posing', I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to see others that are self-obsessed, including celebrities/models who 'pose' most of the time - and have thus created a negative stigma to posing and seeing it as 'flaunting' for the camera and thus not 'natural'.

When and as I see myself holding my phone to my face and smiling and at the same time having backchats that "I look like an idiot", I stop and breathe. I realise that smiling is natural, and that smiling for the camera is NOT a 'bad' thing, to realise within myself that pulling faces or doing whatever with my mouth is not a 'bad' thing, I realise that I'm limiting myself and the 'expressions' that I can have/achieve by not wanting to pull funny faces or smile - I thus realise that 'neutral' selfies are not the only type of permissible selfies to be had.

I commit myself to smile for the camera if I WANT TO, as my starting point is clear within me, and to thus not fear negative/positive reactions from others in terms of judgements in any way, shape or form, to thus not give 'power' to others in my vicinity by allowing them to dictate my actions and my actions when taking a selfie in any way, shape or form.

I commit myself to direct myself to taking a selfie.

I commit myself to take a selfie no matter who the person/what the person is like/whatever is in my vicinity - as to not take a selfie 'within fear' - fear of judgements from others/things.

I commit myself to not limit my selfies in any way, shape or form. I commit myself to thus not limit myself, or limit my options/expressions when taking selfies. I commit myself 'to have some fun' when taking selfies, to thus not think that I must look 'serious' or 'compelling' to ones that see my selfie.

I commit myself to not allow others to dictate how I should look in a selfie - to thus look how I want to in a selfie/how I choose, without influence of others by means of fear in any way, shape or form.

I commit myself to clearly define my starting point within myself of a selfie.

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