Friday, 14 November 2014
Day 329 - Making my presence known
I've noticed this a few times. I basically fear being labelled as a 'loner'. I live in an apartment-house type of thing, where there is 14 bedrooms. Just outside my bedroom door, is a 'games' area. There is a table tennis table, a pool table, and one of those soccer/football table's. For anyone to use. I was having a voice call with a friend on Skype, when I then decided to wash some dishes so that I could then use those dishes, the clean dishes...to make something to eat.
Albeit, I stopped in my tracks. I heard 2 males outside of my bedroom door. They started playing table tennis. At this time, I had decided to lie on my bed as a means to stay 'quiet'. I had already made the situation somewhat 'awkward' by my own free will. I'm not sure if they knew I was in my room or not, do they even care? Why do I even care..? I think it was someone that lives at the apartment, and a friend of his. They played table tennis, then pool. An hour later, they stopped and went downstairs. All the time, I had stayed quietly in my bed, not making a peep. Thus, I was sort of hoping that they thought I was not in my room. I was fearing that they thought that I was a loner because I was in my room, instead of socialising with others, as they were doing with eachother.
Which is admittedly insane. This and other occasions go to show that I still fear judgments from others, and let go of the grip of directing myself and thus my actions.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being labelled as a 'loner' just because of me being in my room by myself, instead of socialising with others in person.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to literally STOP what I was doing/wanted to do, and instead change my plans, and do what I did NOT want to do, by lying in my bed and staying QUIET - as a means of acting like my presence was 'unknown' - through my fear of being seen/labelled as a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise my position/wants by staying 'quiet' - instead of going outside of my room, into the kitchen, washing my dishes and making something to eat.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'not be myself' by suppressing myself literally by attempting to make myself 'disappear' through the act of being quiet and thus non-existent.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to avoid facing myself and facing my responsibilities by basically waiting until the heat wore off, in this case..waiting for the 2 males to be out of the games room, before I got out of bed/did what I had originally wanted to do.
When and as I see myself stopping myself from physically moving to do what I had planned on doing out of a fear of being labelled as a 'loner' when hearing others in my vicinity, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's up to me to do what I want to do with myself/my life, and it is not anybody else's choice/decision. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I must spend every waking second of my life socialising with others in person, or be labelled as a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a person being alone/keeping to themselves/doing their own thing as them being a 'loner'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define social happenings with others in person as the ONLY way that one can 'live' and the only way that one can 'improve themselves'. Within this, I see, realise and understand that this is simply not the case - I realise that writing IS my key to improving myself into what is best for all life, and that 'living' is what I am doing, regardless of the amount that I socialise with others.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hang onto the words of my parents in saying that 'I must socialise more'. And thus, have allowed and created a fear within myself of 'not socialising enough' with people, and thus fear being labelled as a 'loner' - like there is something 'wrong' with me/not 'normal'.
When and as I see myself participating within memories of being told by my parents that I must socialise more, I stop and breathe. I realise that according to them/their perceptions, in person socialising is what alters a person to being more confident/happy - within this, I realise that I've proven that theory 'incorrect', as I have noticed ACTUAL change within myself through WRITING, in which I do in my OWN time/by myself.
I commit myself to do what I want to do.
I commit myself to not stop what I am doing/want to do out of a fear that I participate in whereas I fear being labelled as a 'loner' by others through me not socialising with others in person, and instead keeping to myself/doing my own thing.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that SELF-CHANGE comes from WRITING - which I have seen/proven time and time again. Within this, I see, realise and understand the importance of making sure my writings have transferred into my physical being by engaging myself in physical/in person situations with others that I know/don't know, to know that I have changed within my physical body, through my writings.