Sunday, 16 November 2014

Day 331 - Reactions to the word 'socialise'

I wrote about this in a recent entry, but I have to write about it more and deeper. And dissect it moreso. It's definitely in relation to my parents constantly telling me that I must socialise more. That is like....vivid in my memory. Vivid to a point where if I see the word 'socialise' or any word associated with socialising, I react. I react through participating with this memory, or rather..the memories - the constant memories of being told that I don't socialise enough with friends, that I thus spend too much time alone, too much time in my room - and it made me feel as if I was a social piranha. I actually realise now that it was rather 'damaging' to me. Of course, at the time.....that is how I saw it. I mean, I hated being told that I didn't socialise enough, that I spent too much time in my room, whether it was using my laptop or playing videogames. I enjoyed doing those things, but I was reminded daily that I must 'come out more'. I always rather play on my Playstation 3. Or socialise 'online' with others.

And when in scenarios where I was socialising with friends/people, I felt this 'pressure' to 'perform' to a certain standard. At the time, I thought this 'standard' was because of my parents' insistence of me to socialise more, but I realise now that the pressure that I felt was self-applied, I created it. Same with the standards. I conjured them up and participated within wanting to reach a certain standard of socialisation. And I was constantly angry with myself because I never felt like I reached the standards that I was capable of. So I always felt like I wasn't 'good enough' when with friends. I always wanted to make friends think that spending time with me was 'a great time'. So...instead of enjoying those moments with friends, I was participating in pressure moments the whole time, whereas I was constantly having backchats of needing to come up with 'cool' things to do with my friends. I was so weary of my friends being 'bored' when hanging out with me. But, I realise now, it's impossible for me to enjoy the MOMENT, if I am going back and forth with my mind, like an arm wrestle, trying to meet certain expectations and only looking to make sure that my friends were having fun when with me. I can't enjoy myself/my time with others if I'm abdicating myself and my own enjoyment.

So, this is what I'm going to forgive myself for. My reactions towards the word 'socialise'. That being within the starting point of my reactions from being told to socialise more with others by my parents.

To be continued.

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