Wednesday, 3 December 2014
Day 346 - Wanting to be popular
To me, being popular is having many friends/colleagues that you can rely on somewhat, and that always or a lot of the time, ask one to hang out with them all the time/invite one to parties all the time. I never saw myself as popular in my life, not when I was at school, or at my first job. I've always been rather quiet in social situations when in school/at work. I know now that was based on a fear of judgments from others, hence a manifestation of shyness where I did not want to speak to others out of a fear of saying 'the wrong thing'.
When I look back at my time in school in particular, the popular kids/people were the ones who were funny, and the ones who were confident, basically. And they always had other people hanging out with them and around them at all times. I used to envy that. I always had friends at school, but seeing other people with lots of friends, I envied that/them. Although, in the last few years, I have somewhat 'liked' the statement saying 'Quality over quantity'. And I have sort of applied that statement in a lot of things. Including when in company with others, friends, colleagues, whatever...also in relation to food, like having nicely cooked food, over a whole lot of food that is either not cooked so well, or unhealthy.
And I can see that statement within my want to be popular. Like, those popular people that have people around them the whole time, many people that is, they certainly have the 'quantity' part covered. I am not so sure they have the 'quality' part covered. Although, I am sure that, well, especially at school, those people with many friends/people around them, they'd receive quite a large ego boost because of all of those people surrounding them. Like, "Hey, I have so many friends, must be because of how cool I am."
But certainly these days, I'd much rather have quality over quantity. Or to put it more specifically, inner quality. Inner-equality. Inner-oneness. I don't need things 'outside' of me. Why would I need a multitude of friends/people/colleagues around me if my origin point, ME, is stable within myself? I wouldn't. If I'm stable as my physical body, I wouldn't need to want to feel 'popular'. Where does having a bunch of people circled around me, where does that actually get me? Nowhere. It's sort of like, I'd be basing my popularity and thus 'coolness' onto those people circled around me, instead of finding inner coolness within myself as to be stable as myself only, without reliance on people/others and thus end up seeing others socialising with me as a sign that I am 'cool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look 'outside' of myself for answers and desires to be popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to be popular in the first place.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through my desire to be popular, see that I must have many friends/colleagues/people around me to 'feel' popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look within myself from a starting point of stability.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to put popularity over stability within myself as a physical body.
When and as I see myself wanting lots of friends/colleagues/people around me all the time in the hope of 'feeling' popular, I stop and breathe. I realise that I don't need to rely on things/people outside of myself to 'feel' a certain way. Thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that stability comes from within, I realise that if I'm stable within myself, then I will not feel the need/desire to want to be popular.
I commit myself to live 'quality over quantity' by focusing on myself foremost, and thus to stabilise myself, and as to then not rely on or feel the need to be with/around others or others around me to feel a certain way, to feel popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as popular, so that then other random people will see me as popular and then think to themselves that 'that guy must be cool, so I'll go and hang out with him.'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being 'liked' because of people circled around me and thus popularity, is not a starting point that I want to have. I commit myself to write to get to a stable point within myself whereas I don't need to be 'liked' because of something outside of myself/people outside of myself and thus be liked based on popularity.
I commit myself to not desire to be liked by everyone. I commit myself to realise that mutual liking between two people, or effective communication between two people is based on the two people at hand, thus I realise that a mutual understanding between two people should only be decided by those two people and not any 'outside' influences/people/things.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I do not need things outside of myself to be viewed as by others as 'cool'. And thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that coolness comes from within myself, and within my physical body.
I commit myself to not live within separation by relying on others to 'make me feel good' about myself.
I commit myself to see that I am the starting point of making myself 'feel good' - feel good, being stability.
I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself, and thus not change the directive principle to that of my mind and thus other people outside of myself.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am ALWAYS the origin point of change, not anybody/anything outside of myself, and thus I commit myself to stop looking for changes that are not from within me, otherwise, allow myself to begin a never ending journey whereas I am continually desiring change from something outside of me in which I will never be able to capture.