Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Day 360 - Guilt


Where I live now, while I have my own room...I have share certain areas with a bunch of other people that also have their own rooms. So, bathrooms, kitchens. Those two, really. I'm cool with doing this, but I've been...denying myself certain things, because, I feel 'guilty' if I were to for instance use the bathroom, but having the knowledge that while I'm in there 'doing my thing' - another person could be wanting to use the bathroom at the same time that I'm using it, that sort of thing.

Same deal with the kitchen. And that has affected my eating habits. Thus, I don't really 'cook' anything, because, traditionally...cooking can take at least 10 minutes (thinking about pasta here). So, I've basically been eating sandwiches and cereal. That way, I'm in and out of the kitchen in a flash! See, if I'm cooking pasta at about 6pm, I'd feel 'guilt' because like..6pm is generally a time where one eats dinner. You know, you just get home from work, you're starving! NEED FOOD, mm, a nice meal for dinner sounds wonderful..

And yeah, back to the bathroom, it goes for that as well. Because, I'm jobless currently, so, I've put myself 'down the pecking order' by sort of not using the bathroom between 5 - 7am, because, generally, people wake up around there, use the bathroom, then head off to work. And like...because I'm jobless/am not studying, I consider it 'rude' for me to use it, because I don't have anywhere to go. Sooooo, all these things build up to a form of guilt within myself.

But of course...what I have to realise, is that I don't like...need a GOOD reason to use the bathroom at certain times, or need a good reason to cook dinner at a certain time. Because, yeah, that's what I'm doing - I'm putting others ahead of me, and I've basically created this little scenario whereas I work around what others do, because I see my life as 'not as important' - because I'm jobless/not studying, whereas most others in this apartment that I live at, they either work/study.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the guilt character, whereas I feel 'guilty' for using the bathroom/kitchen at times where people generally desire to use the bathroom/kitchen to go to work/cook dinner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others because of my lack of job/lack of study.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to work around 'general' times of use that someone would use the bathroom/kitchen, to avoid getting 'in peoples way'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do NOT have any 'less' 'right' to use the kitchen/bathroom at any particular time - I realise that I, as them, pay wages to live in this apartment, and thus, we EACH/ALL have just as much 'right' to use shared areas as one another.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see a job/study option as of the utmost importance, and use that as an excuse to view myself as inferior to those that have jobs/study.

I commit myself to listen to my body, whether it be to use the bathroom/the kitchen, and to NOT stop myself from using either facilities out of a 'guilt' emotion that I allow myself to participate in.

When and as I see myself as inferior to those that have jobs/study, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is SEPARATION, and that it's thus, INEQUALITY.

I commit myself to not allow my mind to dictate the actions that I take, and thus, do what's best for my physical body, no matter what the time.

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