Saturday, 30 August 2014

Day 274 - Panicking when I thought my tyre popped

Source

I suppose this title is pretty straight forward and to the point, but this is my reasoning for panic. This happened about 2 weeks ago. I say 'happened', but it didn't actually happen. Let me explain: I was casually driving my car, as you do, I was driving to the shops. So..I pulled up at a red light, and I heard what definitely sounded to me like...a burst car tyre. Like, a nail or some sort of sharp object could have burst my car tyre. And the sound of air being let out of the said car tyre.

I FREAKED out. I thought to myself "FUCK, one of my tyre's have burst, and when this light turns green, I'll be fucking stranded and have people honking their horns behind me and cursing me to fucking move my car while I sit here like an idiot not being able to move in my car because of my burst tyre!". So I panicked as I heard this air releasing. I thought for sure that it had to be my car. I've sort of had a history of car fuck-ups so to speak. My car is rather old. It's probably getting towards the end of its life. I will replace it in due time.

Anyway, as the air was being released from my 'apparent' car tyre, I sort of ignored it. My window was rolled down, but I pretended like I didn't hear it. I ignored it. I didn't put my head out of my window to check my tyres. I had a bit of a look at the people around me and beside me in their cars. They weren't looking at me or looking panicked themselves. I'm sure it wasn't just me exclusively hearing this air release from some unknown thing. Anyway, the light turned green and I drove. My car seemed fine. I noticed no flat-tyre-ness. Not that I've ever drove with a flat tyre before, but I'm sure I'd notice some sort of hindrance of my car was not driving as well as it could. Well, I guess even if one of my tyre's had blown, I could still drive. So, perhaps I wouldn't have been 'stuck' and therefore had people swearing at me and honking their horns at me to fucking move my car.

I got to the shops, and I actually totally forgot to check my car tyres. It wasn't until I got home that I remembered "Shit, I forgot to check my car tyres when I got to the shop." So, I checked my car tyres when at home and they all seemed fine. All had the same amount of air in them. So, that air-leakage was NOT associated with my car/my car tyres. So I ended up panicking over nothing. But what I did panic over was the thought of people's judgements towards me as I was stranded at the green light, ..that's about all. I thought there was a multitude of reasons as to why I was panicking, but that was it, people's judgements and their potential swearing/cursing/frustrations at me for being stuck with a flat tyre.

But then again, that is unfortunately the sort of society we live in these days. I've seen other road drivers become stuck on the spot for whatever reason, and instead of we as humans assisting one another or being respectful to one another in times of need, we curse eachother, we do this instead of assisting eachother. It's not that person's fault that their car has issues for whatever reason. I mean, perhaps they knew there was a problem and they should have got it fixed beforehand, but it's happened now. We should all learn to exercise patience while a mechanic or something alike can come and fix the car or take the car to get repaired, instead of having people swearing and being inconsiderate/impatient towards the person/owner of the vehicle.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

Friday, 29 August 2014

Day 273 - Focusing on my own life/process, as opposed to focusing on others' lives/processes


Source: http://seasonitalready.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/focus-on-the-journey.jpg

Monday through to Friday this week, I had a class in Warehousing. It was only a 5 day course, but it went surprisingly quickly. Usually, I attend courses, and they seem like SUCH a drag. For instance, I'd attend a particular course for 1 or 2 days, and I'd already think to myself that the course is such a drag and I'm sick of the course. What I noticed within this was for this week, Monday to Friday, I was wholly focused on my OWN life/process. Whereas when partaking in other courses/at other times in my life, I'd be focused on OTHER people's lives/processes.

When I'm fully in control and living within my own life and identity, I can just focus on things much easily, and I find things more enjoyable, in this case, within my course in Warehousing. Other times I've worried about what others' are going through within their own lives. But the more I do that, the more I focus on other people's lives, the less I focus upon my own life/process. And if I'm too busy focusing on other people's lives, then I give no time for myself, and I allow myself to wither away within my own process/life. Each person/life lives their own and leads their own process/being. I'm here to guide myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not focus on my own life/process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to focus on others' lives/processes.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own life/process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise and understand that each LIFE lives/represents their OWN lives/processes, therefore I do not have to partake and 'live' others' lives/processes for them, I must focus on my own life/process to change myself.

When and as I see myself focusing on others' lives/processes and neglecting my own life/process therefore, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am here to change myself solely, and to do so, I must focus on myself and my own life/process to get the result/reward of being fully focused and in control of my own life/process and to therefore become and change into what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself getting caught up in others' lives/processes, I stop and breathe. I realise that EACH life is in control of their own life, so it's not for me to partake or worry about how others' lead/live their lives and control their processes - that is for them to decide/choose, just as I myself choose/decide how to live/change myself within my own life/process.

I commit myself to focus solely on my own life/process as to then change myself to the best of my capabilities and therefore become what is best for all life.

I commit myself to not neglect my own process/life/being through instead choosing to focus on others' lives/processes.

I commit myself to live my own life/process, and I commit myself to therefore allow others' to live their own lives/processes.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that REAL and THOROUGH change comes from me focusing on my own life/process to the best of my abilities.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Day 270 - Candy Crush Saga, expecting things in return..Part 2


Source: https://lh3.ggpht.com/DLDifF6R6ETGoHBPAfEDcwbRnZiTvty074hd0WQuRJug7RbfR7ihrkZXgt5zACKejbL6=h900

Yesterday I wrote about myself being  in a state of 'expectancy' whereas I want lives/tickets in return for me giving others lives/tickets when playing the game called Candy Crush Saga. Here is my self-forgiveness/commitment statements on the matter.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect lives/tickets from others when and as I give others lives/tickets when playing Candy Crush Saga.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that it is someone's 'obligation' to 'return' the favour to me by giving me back a life/ticket in exchange for the life/ticket that I gave to another.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not put myself into the other person's shoes/look at it from their eyes in the sense of there actually being no obligation/reason for me to have to 'return the favour' when someone gives me a life/ticket in Candy Crush Saga.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attach 'rules' to the lives/tickets that I give to another within Candy Crush Saga by expecting returned lives/tickets for the ones that I gave them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react with anger if the favour is not returned to me whatsoever via someone giving me a life/ticket - within this, I commit myself to offer another a life/ticket with NO expectations of a life/ticket in return.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not act within a state of equality and oneness by assisting another in getting further into Candy Crush Saga.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it's a cool thing to be able to assist another somehow.

When and as I see myself expecting 'favours' in return for the favours that I send to others (lives/tickets), I stop and breathe. I realise that I should willingly offer another favours/lives and tickets and assist them in someway to progressing further in Candy Crush Saga - within this, I realise that the amount of effort it takes me to assist multiple people within Candy Crush Saga is almost non-existent, as I only have to click a button to assist others by sending them lives/tickets, and I realise that this is a cool thing to do and it's cool being able to assist others.

When and as I see myself seeing that it's someone's 'obligation' to return lives/tickets to me because I sent them lives/tickets, I stop and breathe. I realise that I should originally look at the point of me sending another lives/tickets by seeing the point as an opportunity to assist another progress within Candy Crush Saga, and seeing the point/scenario as nothing more than that, not instead seeing the point/scenario as a means of 'getting back' lives/tickets just on the account of me sending another lives/tickets.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger when someone does not return the favour to me by sending my lives/tickets after I've sent them lives/tickets, I stop and breathe. I realise that NO written rule exists within my offers that says that someone 'MUST return the favour to me', within this, I realise that as long as my origin point for giving someone lives/tickets is through an act of assist another, then I have NO reason to react within anger if I do not get lives/tickets in return.

I commit myself to NOT react in anger when I do not receive lives/tickets from another after I have given them a life/ticket in Candy Crush Saga.

I commit myself to realise that there is NO obligation for another/myself to return lives/tickets to me after I have given someone else a life/ticket in Candy Crush Saga.

I commit myself to offer another a life/ticket through a point of assisting another in progressing throughout Candy Crush Saga, and offering another these benefits through it being a cool gesture/thing to do to assist another somehow/someway.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand the ease of assisting another in terms of sending them a life/ticket, it only takes one click to assist another and it's an awesome thing to do!

Day 269 - Candy Crush Saga, expecting things in return..

So, I actually found Bernard's post on the benefits of playing Candy Crush Saga, which can be read here. Surprisingly, I found this link by accident on the a Desteni hate website. The hate website was attempting to show that writings concerning the potential benefits of playing Candy Crush Saga were 'odd'.

Anyway, reading that article was the 'kick' I needed to actually give Candy Crush Saga a go. I enjoy playing it. One has to think ways around situations, make sure they align the appropriate colours as to then cause a 'reaction' when colours from above then fall and create more reactions to earn points through obtaining lines of colours/blocks. I started playing Candy Crush Saga, and the day after I first played it, I got a request or 2 about people wanting/needing tickets to get to the next episode/area.

And I looked at the requests concerning this from the point of "Hmm, but..will that person 'return' this ticket that I am giving them by giving me a ticket or a live now/in future?" Lol. It's like, I only wanted to help someone if another was willing to help me in getting past/further into the Candy Crush Saga game. I felt like I myself wanted to receive benefits/lives/tickets prior to me giving benefits/lives/tickets to others. I was waiting for others to help me before I potentially help them. And in the back of my mind, I was also thinking.."I might not even help others that have helped me, am I obliged to help them just because they helped me?".

And the answer to that is NO. And it's the same for when I assist another in getting past an area or assisting someone within Candy Crush Saga. I should be WILLING to assist another, and NOT expect assistance in return. They don't owe me anything at all, they don't owe me lives or tickets. I willingly gave someone tickets/lives. There's no written rule or rule in general that states 'One must return the favour or be doomed for all eternity..' That would be a bit bizarre.

And I did help someone. Well, yesterday, I opened Candy Crush Saga and saw that 4 people needed extra lives to get past certain areas (I'm still a bit unfamiliar with the needs/lives/tickets etc). Anyway, I sent these people extra moves. And it was cool. It was so easy to do. It required me to literally click one button, lol. That's it. And it's really cool being able to assist others in some way. It works for me, and it works for them. And actually, 2 people that I sent help to, they sent help back to me. Was that cool? Yeah, it was cool. Was it necessary? No. Did I expect it? NO.

So, either way, if they were to return the favour to me or not, there's no reason or excuse for me to go into for instance a state of anger if I assist someone in getting past a level in Candy Crush Saga, and get nothing back. Expecting things is not cool of me to do.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come..

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Day 268 - Fear of bike riding, bike injury memory

I guess I've known of this fear within myself for a while now. But I've not faced it until now. The only time I ever consider riding my bike is when my father asks me if I'd like to. I don't have my own bike after all. Hmm, I'm not exactly sure how long ago it was, but about..7 years ago, I had an accident while I was riding my bike with my father on a bike/walking track near his house. What happened was, I was going downhill, not very fast, but my shoelace got caught in the spokes or something and it halted my speed and I front flipped over the front side of the handlebars.

It happened so fast. I was feeling really dizzy at the time, and really ill. I thought my arm was broken, but it was only fractured. And I had a large gash on my right ankle. I still have scars there to this day from the stitches that were put into my ankle. Yes..that is another thing that makes me fear riding my bike, when I see my scars on my ankle. I immediately think to myself "Fuck, that was a painful experience when I got that gash on my ankle." And sometimes I fear re-opening the gash through perhaps again having an accident while riding my bike.

So, I've basically avoided riding any bike whatsoever for about.....5 years. I can't remember if I rode my bike soon after the accident, probably not. I remember I couldn't do much for a few months because my arm was in a cast. No, So it's more like since that accident, I haven't rode my bike or any bike for that matter. All because of this memory within myself of injuring my ankle/arm whilst riding my bike within an accident occurring thereafter.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to ride a bike.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see the scars on my ankle from the gash that I got when riding my bike, and within that, participating within the memory of when and how I GOT that gash on my ankle, and within that, also going into a 'painful' experience within myself when I feel the pain of the gash since I am participating within the memory and looking back at how the accident occurred.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear riding my bike because of myself allowing myself to enter into the memory of the 'painful' experience that I had when I injured myself by accident while riding my bike.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear re-opening the gash where my stitches are, and thinking that if I go bike riding again, I'll most likely re-open the gash and have to get additional stitches/more treatment, from the starting point of pain firstly, and fearing myself having to experience that pain again if I were to have another accident while riding my bike.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not participate within the memory of injuring myself while riding my bike, and instead learn from the experience as that I must make sure my shoe laces are tied correctly and not going to get caught up in the spokes of the bike and thus cause another accident to happen.

I commit myself to see the situation as a learning experience, whereas I now know not to have protruding shoe laces or shoe laces that are too long and thus will interfere with the spokes on my bike if I am riding my bike and get myself into an accident/injury-sort of situation.

When and as I see myself fearing to ride a bike, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must NOT participate within the backchats within myself and the trigger memory within myself of when I injured myself by accident through failing to look at safety procedures correctly in terms of tying my shoe laces correctly/making sure that my shoe laces don't come undone and interfere with my bike-riding.

When and as I see myself seeing the scars on my ankle and immediately participating within the trigger memory of when and how I got those stitches/scars in the first place, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must not see the scars as a FEAR, but see them instead as a failure on my behalf when I didn't take necessary precautions when I was younger and thus fell off my bike, injuring myself. I commit myself to NOT be/become attached to the scars on my ankle in a fearful way, realising that if I do that, then I'm allowing myself to be directed by my scars - within that, I'll be constantly living within a fear of re-opening the scars/riding my bike.

I commit myself to realise, see and understand that it was only because of ONE reason theoretically that I had the accident in the first place - through failing to realise that my shoe laces were undone - and within that, taking necessary actions when riding a bike in future through making sure that my shoe laces are shorter/won't come undone/not wearing shoe laces at all - and thus prevent myself from having another accident through shoe laces being caught in the spokes when and as I am riding my bike.

I commit myself to when and as I next ride my bike again, to NOT ride my bike within a fear program in which I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in - I realise that if I am riding within fear, then I will be CONSTANTLY expecting myself to fall over and injure myself again - thus I commit myself to not ride within a fear program within myself, I commit myself to stop and breathe to bring myself back here and where I can then ride my bike as my physical self/body, pushing the pedals with my feet, and guiding the bike with my arms/hands.

I commit myself to not participate within the trigger memory of falling off my bike when I am actually riding my bike next/in present.

I commit myself to see the scars on my ankle through my bike accident as a realisation, NOT a fear.

I commit myself to direct myself physically when riding my bike.

Day 267 – Part 2 Intimidated by school teenagers, memory of major shyness when school teenager

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed the trigger memory to relive within myself when and as I am in the vicinity of school students.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within the triggered memory of being shy when around school students, and thus allowing myself to act shy in the present when around school students.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hang onto, and fail to let go of the memory of shyness consuming my physical self and my mind when and as I am in the vicinity of school students.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not move on within myself and move within the memory of me reacting within a shyness reaction when around school students.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the backchats within myself when I was a school student were that other school students will not like me, and me fearing how they will perceive me as an individual/student.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to allow the fearful memory within myself within the reasoning of how other students will perceive me/what they thought of me as a student.

When and as I see myself participating and allowing the trigger memory within myself of fearing being in the vicinity of school students when I am around school students in present, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must LET GO and NOT participate within the memory of me being a shy school student when around other school students – I realise that person that I was back then was directed solely by my own mind, whereas in present and my current body, I am the directive principle within myself and do not participate within the energetic desires in which my mind attempts to control me.

I commit myself to not participate and allow the trigger memory within myself when I am around other school students.

I commit myself to not participate within the energies/backchats coming up within myself when in the vicinity of school students.

I commit myself to see school students just as I see anyone/anything else – my equal, in oneness and equality.

I commit myself to not feel intimated by school students within the accepted and allowed trigger memory within myself of being a shy character/personality when and as I interacted with other school students as a school student myself.

I commit myself to realise that within my present being as myself here, I am no longer influenced and controlled and deceived by my mind and the reactions/energies/feelings that come along with the participation in which I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in.

I commit myself to move on and within that, not participate within the memory/fear of being a school student and feeling shy when around other school students.


I commit myself to not view school students as ‘mean-spirited’ people, or see them as intimidating characters that ‘do not like’ me – I realise that those are backchats in which I’ve accepted and allowed to take place within my mind and thus manifest a ‘shy’ character physically when in the vicinity of school students, as well as allowing the trigger memory of me being a shy school student when in the vicinity of other school students.

Day 266 – Intimidated by school teenagers, memory of major shyness when school teenager

What I’ve noticed within myself is a reaction of shyness emerging within me when in the vicinity of school teenagers. And I also realise that it is a triggered memory within myself of when I was myself a school teenager, I had a major shyness in my schooling years. Even in primary school. So when I think about it/realise it now, it’s that my whole schooling years, I was majorly shy around other school-goers.

I was on the train with school teenagers. I overheard them, they were about 17, or one of them was. Well, there were a lot of school teenagers on the train and school children in general because I caught the train just as all/most of the school students finished school. And I was standing on the train, and there was a group of about 3 school students, the 17 year olds, and I felt this shyness coming up within myself. I didn’t know them, nor did they know me, yet I felt shyness, I felt shy.

But I realised that when I was a student, I was always shy amongst other students. Fears including “What will they think of me?” “Will they like me?” Those sorts of backchats within myself as a student. Lol, and I realised back then, the more ‘awkward’ I acted around students, the more awkward I physically was. I was so caught up in trying to act ‘natural’ with the other students when I myself was a student, that I ended up displaying an awkward character because I was visibly hesitant, shy.

So that’s a definite, the more that I thought about and tried to be someone ‘natural’, the worse it became for me. Those situations, social situations, they don’t require constant thinking to be ‘natural’. Naturalness should be just that – NATURAL. Being natural doesn’t require backchats, constant overthinking, things of that nature. It requires one/me to be myself – which as I know as of now, is a physical body which does NOT require all of the backchats in which I accepted and allowed at that time as a student.

What I noticed in school, is that there are all these ‘labels’. There were the ‘cool’ kids, the ‘nerds’, the ‘rebels’, lol, and so on. Oh, and they ‘quiet’ group, I suppose. I was in that group, although there were some ‘not so quiet’ people in my group. But now that I look back at the situation, I started meeting a bunch of new people, so there were no more groups. I had individual friends that I hung out with.

But when it came to unfamiliar groups of students, or student groups that I did not know as well or was as close to, that is when my shy character/personality emerged. Even now/these days, I’ve noticed that I prefer it when socialising with one other person, as opposed to groups of people. So – the groups of people was the trigger towards my major shyness character in which I accepted and allowed.


Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come..

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Day 265 - Part 3, Too hard on myself within missteps within my process

I commit myself to not see a misstep as a failure on my behalf, but to see it as a learning experience in which I realise, and then change my approach to the point depending on what I must do as to not participate in the reactions in relation to the point at hand.

I commit myself to not see the reasoning of myself having to 'restart' my process on account of making a misstep within my process as I write about something, yet still physically manifest it within myself.

I commit myself to put in the necessary effort/requirements as to change myself physically/practically as to realise the words in which I wrote and live the words that I wrote in order to change myself and not manifest the points that I've already written about within self-forgiveness and commitment statements.

Within this all, I commit myself to not attempt to 'fit in' my writings ALL into a single blog/single day - realising that the multiple-dimensional points in which I encounter, they require ADDITIONAL days to 'break'.

I commit myself to take the time to dissect points, even if it takes me days, weeks, realising that the more that I write about a point in terms of being as thorough as I can be, the LESS likely that I will encounter a misstep within my process in the first place - and therefore avoid a chain reaction of events of manifesting multiple points - I commit myself to take one point at a time, over as many days as it takes, until I am FREE from the point and therefore do NOT need/or manifest the point within my physical reality.

Day 264 - Part 2, Too hard on myself within missteps within my process

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be too hard on myself when missteps occur within my process/physical embodiment within my writings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see that I must 'restart' my process or do things that I've already done, just because I made a misstep despite writing out a point - realising within myself that some points take MORE to get past, whether it's more thorough writing, or more effort within my physical self as to not participate in the said point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to HATE myself for 'misstepping' within my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect my physical self to act out my writings through only writing and not practically/physically changing myself on account of my writings.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see my process and think that my process should be simple/easy, without ANY drawbacks. Within this, I realise that points within myself open up constantly because I am now AWARE as to the reactions within myself, the emotions/feelings, and the moments of when my mind is dictating my direction within my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to expect no 'hurdles' within my process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow ONE point to manifest within myself, and from there - self-create a chain reaction within myself as I then 'seek' other points to manifest - realising that if I had STOPPED that first/original point from manifesting, then I'd not end up creating a chain reaction of points within manifestation.

When and as I see myself being too hard on myself as I misstep during my process, I stop and breathe. I realise that missteps, while not necessarily 'apart' of my process, they can still occur depending on the point at hand, and I commit myself to therefore instead of seeing a misstep is a 'fuck up' within my process, to instead see a misstep as an opportunity to LEARN from it, to CHANGE within it, to RECTIFY it, and to WRITE about it more thoroughly and put more EFFORT into LIVING the words in which I wrote down regarding the point within my physical self, practically.

Commitment statements next..

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Day 263 - Too hard on myself within missteps within my process

Not as often lately, but certainly earlier in my process, I've made a few missteps. For instance, I'd write about something, yet I'd still physically not 'obey' my writings. Over time I learnt to deal with most things that I wrote within my physical self, but within my personal process, it's taken me one or two missteps during some points which I've had to learn from to finally change within my physical self on certain points. It just depends on the point at hand. Some points that I've written about have been easy to dissect/write about and therefore change practically/within my physical self - whereas others are more difficult, they perhaps require more through writing, they require more concentration to walk through practically.

Yesterday I had one of these missteps. A point I was trying to get past, yet it 'came back' to me. And I gave into it and felt like shit. I didn't feel like myself. I've noticed that - like, lately, it's quite easy to know when my mind is walking myself, or I AM walking myself - physically. It's cool to know that, because then I know for sure whether I must stop and breathe to bring myself out of my mind - or if I don't necessarily need to stop and breathe, and can therefore continue on with my day.

But back on yesterday, I was struggling with a point. And I've noticed that a chain-reaction happens on certain points. Usually it's like..well this point in particular, I reacted with depression/sadness. And because of that reaction, I manifest other points that I thought I was 'past' because of the one point in which I accepted and allowed to overcome myself.

So it's like one point turns to two points, turns to three points and so on. That's why it's important for me to STOP when that one/original points comes up within myself - and I practically walk out of it. Otherwise, it'll lead to a multitude of other points that I SHOULD have gotten over/not participated in already.

But anyway, because of this chain-reaction, I was frustrated with myself. Because it's like "Fucking Hell, I've written about these points, yet I'm still manifesting them within my physical body." And I feel like, I've come all this way within my process and within my writings, and I've made several missteps. It sucks. But it's of course all down to myself - it's all down to how I react/don't react, how I deal with it, my participation/lack of participation within my mind - the staying of within my physical body - it's all down to me.

But sometimes I feel like.."daaaaaamn, maybe I should restart my process all over again." But I know that I don't actually have to do that. Just because of a misstep, I don't see it as necessary to for instance undertake the DIP Lite course again, or go back to 'Day 1' within my writings. I'm sure that each Destonian has slight missteps or large missteps during the course of their process. It's not like it's impossible to make missteps/mistakes during writings - they still happen. It's a process, it's NOT an easy process. It takes time, effort, and focus.

I don't know what I exactly I thought I was getting into when I first 'got into' Desteni. I thought it sounded really cool, so I checked it out. It IS cool. But did I think to myself whether it was going to be easy or hard? No, I didn't. All I knew was that it sounded legitimate and cool. And yes, within it all, I've SEEN practical and physical change. It's not like I've gone this far without noticing a single change within myself/how I act towards myself/others. There are massive changes/multiple changes - but I've BARELY started my process. I used to always be like..wanting to finish things asap. Like, if I had my way, I'd want to finish my Desteni process within a few weeks, lol.

But..I understand that it's a 7 year process, a 7 year long journey. I'm only Day 263 in. But the day doesn't matter, it's about the effort and the specificity that I put into each writing. I can't just write a sentence each day and be like "Wooooooo, success!" it doesn't work like that. It requires genuine practical effort - otherwise one gets absolutely nowhere.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come..

Day 262 - Forgetting vital information

This information wasn't necessarily vital within the circumstances that I used/did not use it, but it could be vital if I were in different circumstances. So, I was checking out how to get from one place to another on a website similar to Google Maps, and I totally forgot my street number. It was bizarre. And even just now, I struggled to remember my street number. I thought it up just now to test myself. I had to check where I knew I had it listed to make sure I knew of the number.

Earlier when I first needed to write down my street number, I did have a lot on my mind..so I'm guessing that's why I struggled to originally remember my street number. But right now, I don't have anything on my mind, I'm not participating within my conscious/subconscious/unconscious minds. I think it's because I've left off from where I was earlier whereas I was in a state of unknowing-ness when it came to attempting to remember my street number.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within my subconscious mind, that I totally forgot my street number when I needed to list it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view the act of stopping and breathing as a CHORE - within that, I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to overlook the whole POINT of STOPPING and BREATHING to then bring myself BACK to my physical self as for me to NOT participate within my mind/backchats.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not give much effort into stopping and breathing within myself - realising that I must put effort into stopping and breathing if I want to truly step outside and outside of participation within my mind, and then to stay in my physical body here.

When and as I see myself being too caught up within my subconscious mind and then feeling like the act of stopping and breathing is not worth it/not helpful to me, I STOP AND BREATHE. I realise that I MUST stop and breathe, otherwise I'll be constantly floating around within my backchats and I WILL forget things, I'll forget my street number, and whatever else - because I'm too busy listening to my backchats within myself and can't possibly focus on real physical things/knowledge/know how such as my street number of where I live - physically.

I commit myself to not see the act of stopping and breathing to bring myself back to my physical self as a waste of time/pointless.

I commit myself to thus put EFFORT and consideration into my STOPPING and BREATHING act - realising that the more effort I put into it, the better the outcome for me - the less participation within my backchats, and the more I step outside of my mind and into my physical self as I am here.

I commit myself to realise within myself that the act of stopping and breathing with PURPOSE would have prevented me from forgetting my street number in that moment - as I wouldn't be focused on my constant backchats within my subconscious mind.

I commit myself to see the act of stopping and breathing as VITAL - as it IS vital, it's vital to my point of CHANGE within myself, it's vital to me stepping OUT of my mind/not participating within my mind and therefore being HERE in my physical self and to thus focus on the physical things, NOT the backchats within my mind.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Day 260 - Fear of meeting someone for the first time

I'm writing this AFTER I met this person (yesterday). I was hesitant to meet this person. I was hesitant because I allowed myself to THINK that I have to be THIS person, this ideal, this ideal person so that this person that I meet likes me. I thought that I had to meet expectations of this person. All of those types of thoughts running within my mind.

But I realise now that I didn't have to be ANYONE. I didn't have to be a person that someone will like. I'm not going to frame myself so that people like me. I will stay true to myself, within my physical self as me. If I go around trying to meet everyone's expectations, then who am I really? I'm not myself. I'm just a picture, an ideal that is trying to meet other's expectations. If I'm not being myself, then I'm not being me. And I don't want to be 'other' people. I only want to be MYSELF.

I used to do this A LOT. And I suspect many other people do this to, whereas depending on the person in question, one will act a certain way. For example, if it's one's mother, they may act with kindness, caring type of personality. Whereas if it's one's girlfriend, they may act like a 'bad boy' lol, whereas they take risks, they smoke perhaps, do dangerous things, as to please the girlfriend. Those are two types of people. The mother wouldn't know about that risky person, only the girlfriend knows. I don't want to be like this. I want to be ONE person that acts the SAME to EACH person, to each life, to each living creature - to everything and everyone - EQUALLY.

That is how expectations are created in the first place. If I'm acting like a risky person towards my girlfriend to 'please' her, then she's going to expect that all the time from me. So basically, if I'm not myself (the caring, kind person who in actuality takes no risks) and if I am instead acting as this risky person in attempts to please a girlfriend - and THEN I suddenly don't want to be that 'risky' person anymore, then she will most likely be disappointed, the girlfriend, disappointed that I'm not the ideal/the expectation of what she wanted me to be.

Bringing this back to my current blog/situation, I was meeting my friend's friend for the first time. And towards my friend, I've re-enacted all types of personalities, all types of behaviours - depending on my mood, my reactions, my emotions, my feelings. Since I am acting depending on these things, I am NOT stable. A stable person is a person who does not have reactions, mood changes, emotions, feelings. Those all change a person, and change a person's personality.

So, I was unsure as to what my friend had spoken of me towards this person that I was going to meet. Did my friend say that I was kind? Moody? Cool? Perhaps my friend in fact indicated that it was dependent on my mood, as she has picked up on these behaviours over the course of our friendship. So basically, whatever my friend was saying in regards to how I am - I was trying to BE that. I was trying to 'fit into' this mold. But who in fact created this mold in the first place? I did, of course. What is the point of throwing all of my power to this person that I'm going to meet whereas I'm trying to do ALL I can to please them?

If I'm not pleasing myself, then I don't want to please anyone. I am only me. I don't have to fit into any type of mold in which I created towards myself. I only must be myself. Remembering of course that I'm NOT emotions, I'm NOT feelings, I'm NOT reactions. I'm none of those. I'm simply a physical body within myself, one and equal to each and every life. Not aiming to please anyone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear meeting someone for the first time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fit into a certain 'mold' whereas depending on what my friend said to this person I was about to meet, that I must fit into a certain category depending on what she said to this person I was about to meet, about me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to PLEASE this person I was about to meet by NOT in fact being myself, and instead being a person that I am NOT really, a person who is not true to themselves, a person with the only fixation of pleasing another.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to fit into a certain personality before meeting this person for the first time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to meet all of these expectations in which I'VE created within myself - also realising that within all of these expectations in which I've created, I've allowed the burden of MORE fear to overcome me through originating all of these expectations of how I should act, how I should be, towards this person.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be my true self, my physical being within my physical body HERE - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to overcomplicate the situation of meeting someone for the first time by participating within my mind whereas I attempt to meet all these expectations, molds, personality-types.

When and as I see myself fearing to meet someone for the first time based on the personality-type, the mold, or the expectations in which I've accepted and allowed, I stop and breathe. I realise that I DON'T have to fit ANY of these personality-types, molds or expectations.

When and as I see myself LYING to myself within attempting to fit into something that is NOT truly ME, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must STOP in the moment and bring it back to SELF, as to walk each step within myself within SELF-HONESTY, walking, talking and meeting this new person/any person within self-honesty, as to NOT lie to myself, or lie to the person that I'm meeting, and also to not allow a bunch of definitions of myself to be created and thus a person expecting certain behaviours/ways of the way in which I communicate with that person.

I commit myself to stay HERE within my physical body when meeting someone for the first time.

I commit myself to NOT attempt or fit into a personality-type, mold or expectation in which I've accepted and allowed to be created within myself and thus show that self-created person through my physical body and my unconscious mind whereas I am trying to please another/meet another's expectations of how they want/should see me as a person/individual.

I commit myself to NOT participate within self-created fear of trying to be someone that I am in actuality NOT - I commit myself to be ONE person, not multiple personality-types, I commit myself to therefore not participate within my mind's wants of me to be a particular person when meeting someone for the first time. I commit myself to meet NO expectations, I commit myself to NOT meet my mind's expectations of the person in which I've accepted and allowed to be created within my mind, a personality-type/mold.

I commit myself to literally be the ONE AND ONLY directive principle within my self as me - and within that, NOT allowing my mind to dictate/walk my path/create my fears within meeting someone for the first time.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Day 259 - Fear of using forklift

Although I may not run 'into' fear as soon as I had previously before deciding to write about this, it is a fear I have nonetheless.

So, I've been job searching, and I applied for a warehouse job. Things like packing trucks, unpacking trucks, moving boxes, things like that. I was going to do a course so that I could increase my chances of getting a job in this industry, but I can't do the course because it is a government funded course and only 2 are allowed to be started per year - I've already reached my limit.

Anyway, I spoke to someone who suggested that I do this course to increase my chances of landing this warehouse job, and this person also said that if I were to obtain my forklift license, that would increase my chances of landing this warehouse job even more. At the time, I said "Yeah, sure!" I really wanted a job/the warehouse job, so I said I'd certainly be willing to get a forklift license as well as complete the warehouse general course.

But after the interview, and well, even when this person asked me whether I'd want to get my forklift license, I had all these backchats within myself of "It's going to be too difficult for me to drive a forklift - I'm not good enough to drive a forklift." And "Driving a forklift is a LOT of responsibility, I might accidentally kill someone with it." Backchats like that. I didn't have time to stop and breathe, I was in an interview and got asked on the spot whether I'd be willing to undertake training for this forklift license.

So - this is like a fear of taking responsibility within the operation of the forklift. Me preferring to do the 'easier' work, as opposed to the forklift-work.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear using a forklift.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed backchats of "It's going to be too difficult for me to drive a forklift - I'm not good enough to drive a forklift." And "Driving a forklift is a LOT of responsibility, I might accidentally kill someone with it."

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that I'd be trained extremely thoroughly to operate the forklift - not realising within myself that I'd never be allowed, and within reason, to operate the forklift without being properly trained as to how it functions, how to stop accidents, things like this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear using a forklift because it's a 'new' item of machinery in which I've never used before and never had thought I'd use before.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not consider my physical body learning to operate the forklift - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the backchats of 'negativity' whereas I see all the 'bad' things that could happen if I were to operate the forklift.

I commit myself to not participate within the backchats of my mind whereas I see myself killing people accidentally, and the forklift being too difficult to drive - I stop and breathe, I realise that within my physical body, I am alert and HERE - as to not be focused on what COULD happen.

When and as I see myself fearing to learn how to operate a forklift, I stop and breathe. I realise that the backchats within myself are not REAL/necessary, I realise that they are mind fears in which I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within.

When and as I see myself not realising that my physical body as I am here is all I need to learn/operate the forklift, I stop and breathe. I realise that within my physical body, I will take on all the information as to how to operate the forklift - and within this, I commit myself to STOP and BREATHE in the moment that conscious mind thoughts start appearing within myself that I will mess up the operating of the forklift.

I commit myself to learn/operate the forklift within and only in my physical body as I am here - I commit myself to not particpate in the thoughts of what may happen if I were to operate the forklift - realising that these are mind based fears only.

I commit myself to realise within my physical body that I can learn to do ANYTHING, and realise that the ONLY thing that is stopping me from potentially learning how to operate the forklift is my MIND.

I commit myself to not see the operation of a forklift as an impossible/difficult task that I could not possibly perform/am not good enough to perform - again realising that these are fears which originated in my mind in which I've accepted and allowed myself to listen to, hence my physical reactions within my unconscious mind.

I commit myself to NOT give up on my PHYSICAL SELF - as I am only that, my physical self and body. I commit myself to realise that I must physically/practically ACT along with my self-forgiveness/commitment statements so that I can SEE physical change within myself and know/realise/understand that I CAN operate a forklift.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Day 258 - Musical distractions while writing - anger

During my previous blog-writing, I was feeling very tired within myself - and coupled with my housemate playing rather loud music, I was having trouble concentrating and I was angry at my housemate for playing music so loudly.

I realise that I should have remained within my physical self/calm, and politely asked my housemate to lower the music down if possible. But I didn't do so, I ended up writing within anger last night/within my previous blog.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react in anger through a distraction of loud music being played while I was attempting to write my blog.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hear the loud music that my housemate was playing, and look at the situation as him playing loud music on purpose to put me into a state of anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that my housemate purposely does 'loud' things to distract me/anger me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stay within my physical body as I am here, and calmly ask my housemate if he could turn down the volume a little - as I could hear the music very clearly from within the confines of my room while writing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stop and breathe within the moment of anger reaction within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continue writing through a state of anger whereas I just wanted to finish writing asap so that I could go to sleep.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger when being distracted by a housemate, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must stop in the moment, breathe within my physical self as me, and request that my housemate lower/turn off the distraction.

I commit myself to always remain within my physical self, my physical body - as to not react within anger which gets me absolutely nowhere except into a state of mind whereas I can't focus on anything and rush my writings and just want to sleep - realising that sleep is the EASY way out of a situation where I find myself angry/tired/not being able to deal with any more distractions.

Day 257 - Too tired to blog

It's 10:20 pm, I'm so tired. Usually I blog at about 7 pm, but I decided to watch the news instead. Then I went on Skype after that. But I was putting off blogging. I came to this page earlier, at about 7:40 pm, but I couldn't think of anything to write about. But I was rushing things. I had other things that I had to do, too, and I was focused on doing them. Then I just decided to go on Skype because I told someone I'd be on Skype tonight.

Blogging daily is really important for my self-change, I know this. I've tested this. If I go days, even one day without blogging, I 'feel' it - it's like I've gone off path, I've gone astray. Which is true. A straight path is a consistent path, and a consistent path is a straight path, a daily path. So, not taking into account days that I can't blog for REAL reasons, I want to blog daily, and tiredness is certainly no excuse to not blog.

And as always, it all started with ME. I struggled to get out of bed this morning - I gave into that 'let's fall back to sleep' backchat.

But I'm writing now. I almost went to sleep without writing, but I'm pushing myself as my physical self to write/not participating in my mind's desires of me to sleep and ignore my daily writing - my daily writing is my process of being and my process of change - I won't go astray.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of tiredness to ignore my blogging.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look at the original reason as to why I'm so tired in the first place - that being me giving into my mind's desires/wants/backchats to fall asleep again.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in the past, go astray from my course of consistent daily blogging - not realising that daily blogging is what I need to truly change.

When and as I see myself using tiredness as an excuse to not write, I stop and breathe. I realise that it was MYSELF who allowed the backchats within my mind to take place in my unconscious mind through falling back to sleep again in the first place.

I commit myself to not allow excuses of tiredness within myself.

I commit myself to blog daily, unless having a necessary/valid reason to not blog.

I commit myself to realise/understand the self-change within DAILY blogging/consistent blogging.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my state of tiredness in which I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Day 256 - Snail care

About 5 months ago, I remember treating a snail badly. I am unsure of exactly what I did - actually no, from memory, hang on, I'm getting memories mixed up, lol. What happened was I was being overly rough with a snail and I remember that I slightly cracked a snail's shell. Originally, I was moving it from one location to the next, and I was struggling to move it, so I got a bit aggressive within myself and therefore treated the snail badly and cracked its shell slightly.

I remember feeling really bad about that for a few that night after I did that to that snail. I allowed my emotions to overcome me whereas I took out my anger on the snail. That night, I also listened to the eqafe interview - The Spirituality of the Snail - Part 1, which is free on the eqafe website.

It was an awesome interview, and that interview assisted me in appreciating the snail's way of life and so forth - along with all animals, big and small. For the way I treated this particular snail, I remember sharing some realisations that I had with my regret for the snail, and the interview - but I never wrote out self-forgiveness for this, and I am going to now.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow my emotions - anger, to overcome me and within that, be aggressive with the snail when trying to move it to a different location, and cracking its shell.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fail to treat the snail with respect, equality, oneness - as I should do, since it, along with me, along with all animals, insects - we ALL BELONG on Earth.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise at the time that the reason I struggled to move the snail/the snail didn't want to move could have been because it was getting into a defensive mode whereas it thought I was a threat to it - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see the situation of me handling the snail through the SNAIL'S point of view.

When and as I see myself failing to accept all life, big or small, as equals, I stop and breathe. I realise that every single life, no matter what species, ALL deserve an equal living opportunity to be on Earth.

When and as I see myself failing to consider the circumstances as to why the snail did not want to move (through possibly thinking I was a threat), I stop and breathe. I realise that just as I must step into the shoes of another to see things from their point of view, I also MUST step into the 'shoes' of the snail to see the situation from the snail's point of view.

I commit myself to within myself, allow each living creature, big or small, an equal opportunity to live within Earth - that is if I must 'handle' a creature as to assist it getting out of a dangerous situation/to a better environment for the species (such as moving an insect from inside of the house, to outside of the house).

I commit myself to treat each and every animal/insect with the care that it deserves, since it has JUST as much right to survive/live on this Earth as I do myself.

I commit myself to not allow my TEMPORARY anger reaction emotion to manifest within my unconscious mind whereas I don't treat LIFE with respect and care - I commit myself to STOP, BREATHE to bring myself back to my physical being as I am here in the world - along with the life that I am assisting, one and equal.

Day 255 - Memory point, breathing through mouth within asthma

So, lately I've been trying to 're-program' myself to breathe through my nose. For as long as I can remember, I've breathed through my mouth. That's what I have to do, actually..ask my mother/father, lol. They've obviously known me since birth.

I did have asthma for basically my whole life up until I was about 21. So, that could very well be the reason that I breathe through my mouth. I can get more air to my lungs through breathing through my mouth, so I may have automatically resorted to that, because I did struggle to breathe a lot as a child, and a teenager.

I saw a doctor about it today, too. He said that it could be from a number of reasons, deviated septum...other medical issues. He also said it could very well be "psychological issues" and that I could therefore sort of do-it-myself as to re-structure my breathing technique to breath through my nose. I've read a lot of articles indicating that breathing through the mouth is not healthy. Because of fumes, it can also cause facial muscles to move (such as my jaw).

So - I had a CT scan today and I got my nose scanned. I don't get the results of that until tomorrow/in a few days. So, it would be cool if it were 'psychological issues' - then I could keep applying self-forgiveness and perhaps through that, and practical application - be able to overcome my mouth-breathing.

But for now, I think that my cause/origin of my mouth-breathing could very well be because of my need to cope with my asthma. And I struggle to breathe through my nose because in my mind I'm thinking that nose-breathing 'won't work' or it 'won't be as good' as mouth-breathing - like that I'm allowing a fear of potential asthma to get to me if I choose to nose-breathe.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be influenced through my breathing technique through the memory of my reliance to breathe through my mouth because of my asthma condition in which I previously had.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the thought of "If I nose-breathe instead of mouth-breathe, then I will not be able to cope, and I'll run out of breath." - within that, I commit myself to practically guide myself and move my myself to physically breathe through my nose as often as I can, as to realise within myself and teach myself that I CAN breathe through my nose.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the memory point of asthma to dictate me in breathing through my mouth through the point of fear - fear within the unknowing of what will happen to my body, if I'll die if I choose to not breathe through my mouth - within this, I realise that I've grown accustomed to mouth-breathing so much, that it's become a habit. I commit myself to break this mouth-breathing habit since it is both unhealthy, and I have no asthma condition currently.

When and as I see myself struggling to move myself practically and physically to nose-breathe, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm allowing myself to be held back by my mind in the backchats that I will die if I nose-breathe instead of mouth-breathe.

I commit myself to LET GO of the memory/fear within myself of relying on mouth-breathing to 'live' within asthma - I commit myself to slowly but surely guide myself within my physical body to slowly learn to nose-breathe - pushing myself, but not going overboard.

I commit myself to realise that I CAN change the way in which I breathe - I commit myself to realise that I won't be breathing through my mouth my whole life, that I can change it - I realise that just because I breathe through my mouth now, doesn't mean that I'll breathe through my mouth for the rest of my life.

I commit myself to ALWAYS be AWARE of my physical breathing, not only within stopping in the moment and breathing as I do to not participate within my conscious mind thoughts, but also to be aware in general about my breathing, to slowly breathe through my nose WITHOUT the participation in backchats that I will 'run out of breath'.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

Day 254 - Judging myself - my photo, I look high..



Lol, so I took this one photo while I was in my car today. Usually I'd delete it on the spot because I didn't particularly like this photo, but I'm showing it here to get over these limitations within my appearance.

So, I took this photo, and my first thought was "FUCK, I look high (on drugs)". Now, I never thought about myself UNTIL..when I was in secondary college, I used to hang out with a certain group of friends, where one 'friend' back then, he constantly mocked me I look "High.", Saying that I looked drugged up and so on, even though I have never taken drugs in my life, I've only drank alcohol, but even back then at the time, I had maybe only had a few drinks - which still warranted the "You look high." joke.

So here is my 'high' photo, lol.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by a memory within myself of someone calling me 'high'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to regress to the memory of being called 'high' by someone, every time I view a photo of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burden myself from the original point within my mind - that I look 'high' just because someone proclaimed this.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus feel embarrassed, shy about the way that I look, and feeling nervous, scared, at how people will judge my face, my apparent 'high-looking' face.

When and as I see myself hanging onto this memory of when someone called me 'high' constantly, I stop and breathe. I realise that at the time, and even to this day (hence the reaction/photo-reaction), I've accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by this memory of being called 'high' and I have therefore allowed it to dictate how I am around others/how I feel when I show people photos of myself/how I feel when others see photos of myself.

I commit myself to LET GO of this memory of someone called me 'high'.

I commit myself to NOT be stuck in the past, and therefore STUCK in a memory within my past which I've accepted and allowed to dictate/control my being as I am here, in the present.

I commit myself to take myself/my photos/appearance for what it is, since it's what I was born with.

I commit myself to thus NOT judge photos of myself as looking 'high' everytime I see photos of myself. I realise that I'm allowing inner-mind thoughts, backchats to tell me that I look HIGH, and that I don't there look 'right' or 'correct'.

I commit myself to MOVE ON from this memory in which I've lived by - I commit myself to STOP in the moment that these conscious mind thoughts overwhelm me when seeing a photo of myself and judging it as looking 'high'. I realise that I only allow these judgements because I've constantly hung on to a memory of being called 'high' when I was younger, and I allowed that to overcome me.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Day 253 - Depriving myself of tv viewing

I've had a tv in my room for a long time, but it's just been sitting there. I haven't watched this tv for months. A while ago, I sold a few things of mine that I thought were of no importance to me, since I don't really 'need' them. I sold my iPod, a few old phones, and a camera. The iPod I sort of regret selling. I was in the thinking that "Okay, when this iPod ceases to work, will I realistically buy another iPod, will I shell out money to buy another iPod?" And I answered "No." to that question.

Back then, I was always considering the future. So, if I needn't an iPod in the future, then I needn't it now. That sort of thing. But it wasn't until recently that I realised that although I may not have wanted to buy another iPod after this one ceased to work, I still could have used this iPod that I currently had. And if it died in a few years time, then so be it. But, I could have used it for the time being.

I'm in that same basic scenario with my tv. I know that the majority of tv is basically brainwashing the public into fuck knows what, but occasionally, there is something worthy of viewing on tv. I especially like certain documentaries about the public. Certain habits, phobias - I find it all interesting to see how these people live. Anyway..the point is, I was depriving myself of tv because again, I didn't see myself buying a new tv. I already have a laptop - a laptop is a necessity for me personally. I can do anything on it, basically. Listen to music, interviews, watch videos, research, interact socially (as long as I have internet) - things like that.

So, I see my laptop as an all-in-one device. And I'd say that a lot of people see it as that. The reason that I haven't sold this particular tv that is in my room is because I had planned to keep it around for when/if I move out with a friend of mine. And that way we won't have to buy a tv, I'll have a spare one with me - but I'd still not make much use of the tv, in that case.

So - this boils down to me getting rid of things in my present, just because I don't need them in my future. A lot of the time I do this, I look much too far into the future, I DON'T live in the PRESENT, the NOW, the WHAT MATTERS. It's all good to consider the future, but to live in the future is just compromising myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not use my tv just because I have pictured myself in the future not needing/wanting to watch tv.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view everything on tv to be brainwashing bullshit that is not worth viewing - realising that despite the amount of brainwashing programs on tv, once in a while there is something worth viewing on tv - and it's also cool to see what is happening around the world via news programs - and within the news programs, I can then dissect it to see if it's legit or some brainwashing material shoved in my face.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look too far into the future - within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my position HERE by focusing much too much on my future-self and what I need/do not need in the future of my being - within this, I commit myself to live in the NOW, the PRESENT - but, also to consider the future, WITHIN REASON - not seeing the future as an obsession in which I've accepted and allowed to take place within my mind.

When and as I see myself focusing on the future and what I need/don't need in terms of personal belongings to a point of obsession, I stop and breathe. I realise that any future-obsession is a origin-point within my mind that I've accepted and allowed to control me/my motives - I commit myself to STOP, BREATHE - and to live in my present body, my present physical body, as I am here.

I commit myself to apply common sense within myself by focusing on the present, and only focusing on the future within common sense - NOT within obsession/obsessive thoughts created through my mind.

I commit myself to use the utensils and things that I currently have in my possession, my tv included, even though I may not buy another tv in the future, I can still put it to good use now - within reason.

I commit myself to also not look too far into the future by seeing a movie for instance in which I 'like' at this moment in time, but then I think to myself "Will I like this movie in 30 years time?" and accepting and allowing myself to 'unlike'/decide to 'not like' that movie just because I don't see myself liking that movie in 30 years time - realising that thinking that far into the future is a compromise of myself and my wants/actions.

Friday, 8 August 2014

Day 252 - Mind retaliating through dissection of my own mind - common sense withdrawn

What I've noticed through dissecting my mind's thoughts, is that after a certain amount of dissection has happened, my mind basically has started to retaliate, and fight back, if you will, fight back against me. I've noticed that my mind does this by basically throwing SO MANY thoughts/points at me, it is certainly overwhelming at first. Prior to finding Desteni, I never thought of anything, well, I never knew about the powers of the mind and how strong those powers are over my physical body.

But it's like my mind is using a defense mechanism whereas I dissect point by point, and my mind is just flooding and opening all of these points that are COMMON SENSE points. Lately, it's like I've forgotten how to apply common sense in situations. My mind has been throwing my common sense out the door, and has just attempted to open up all of these unnecessary points that I should be relying on within common sense.

Obviously, there's all the reactions/emotions/feelings/backchats that I never knew about prior to investigating Desteni/dissecting my mind - I understand that within writing, that is how I learn to not participate in those points, but I did rely on common sense prior to discovering Desteni. I must bring that common sense back, because right now, there are points opening up within myself that should be/and used to be dealt with common sense.

So, there are certain points that I've written about before that I never have had a problem with prior to investigating Desteni. I'm talking about basic, common things that all humans do. But through dissecting my mind's thoughts, my mind is attempting to delete this common sense from within me, and if I allow that, I'll be writing and writing about points which do not need to be written about, which are common sense.

I feel that this is why I've been struggling to break down and dissect certain points within myself. Because within a state of common sense, I KNOW that these points should be kept basic, yet, my mind tells me that I need to obsessively think about these points, obsessively write about them - but it gets me nowhere, because I have forgotten that my starting point of these points is COMMON SENSE. My starting point of these certain points is NOT a reaction, NOT an emotion, NOT a feeling - they are all originated within common sense.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be drawn in by my mind to withdraw my common sense that I had prior to investigating Desteni.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my mind to open up and open up a whole bunch of unnecessary points within me - not realising that this is a defense mechanism within my mind at throwing a bunch of points at me which I do not need to dissect since they are based on and originated within common sense.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to then question Desteni and question the dissection of my mind, the writings - I commit myself to realise and understand that my mind is not used to being written out, and that is why it's retaliating - through throwing so many points at me, which I in fact do NOT need to write about.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to UNDERESTIMATE the power and deviance of my mind.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing my mind to throw points at me in which I SHOULD be seeing within common sense, as I did prior to first dissecting my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that my mind uses a defense mechanism because it is not used to being dissected and written out - my mind is USED to being in control of myself, controlling myself, my thoughts, my actions, and everything else within my physical body - I'm changing that within being my physical body ONLY, thus my mind attempting to fuck me up with unnecessary points that do not need to be written out, since they're based within common sense.

When and as I see myself blaming Desteni, and pointing fingers towards Desteni within myself because of the struggles I'm facing within MYSELF (key word = MYSELF), I stop and breathe. I realise that Desteni is not to blame whatsoever, I realise that my mind is the only entity in which I'm facing, and it is doing all it can to fuck me over and STOP me from truly dissecting it, as to then live within equality and oneness in each and every breath here and within my physical self as me.

I commit myself to continue and continue dissecting points within my mind, BUT, to make sure that the points TRULY need to be written out, to LOOK at the ORIGIN of the points to make sure that they are a reaction, a fear, a feeling, an emotion, backchat - and I check to make sure that the point is then NOT a common sense point, and if it IS a common sense point, I stop and breathe - I realise that my mind is only bringing up these common sense points within me because I am dissecting my mind and writing my mind out, and it is thus not used to being dissected and so on.

I commit myself to NOT attack, to NOT blame Desteni for any struggles that I have within MYSELF. I realise that the struggles that I face are NOT because of Desteni, that they are in fact because of my MIND, and they are because of MYSELF - because of myself accepting and allowing unnecessary points to be written out - when I have always, and still should, look at these points through common sense - within that, I commit myself to always apply common sense on points to make sure if they really need to be written out or not.


Thursday, 7 August 2014

Day 251 - Manifesting nervous reaction through grinding teeth

Only last night I noticed that I actually tend to do this quite often when I am feeling nervous within my body. My house mates were talking to eachother last night, and I was getting something out of my drawer, but...I wanted to do so quietly, lol. I tend to do that a lot, it's like, I don't want to disturb anybody. Within that, it's like I'm suppressing myself, I am suppressing myself by attempting to make NO or as little noise as possible in the fear that I'm disturbing people. I paid for this particular room in which I'm renting at this house. It's not like I signed a contract when I first moved into this particular house that said "Rule 1: NO noises are to be made while in this house." That would just be bizarre.

Anyway, back to this scenario...as I was getting something out of the drawer, I was physically grinding my teeth quite hard together, almost to a point of pain, well, there was pain. Albeit, not a whole lot of pain, but pain nonetheless. Of course, within that, and within my writing thus far of this scenario, as always, I realise that my behaviour is SO unjustified and unnecessary. Therefore - it is time to forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed the reaction of nervousness to overwhelm me, and to then within my unconscious mind, physically grind my teeth together within a fear of disturbing others that are in my house.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself by attempting to make little to no noise as to THINK that I am disturbing others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise within myself, the harmful effects of grinding my teeth together, which could physically be my teeth being in constant pain, crooked teeth, and a crooked jaw.

When and as I see myself manifesting a nervous reaction to attempting to make no noise in the worry that I'm disturbing others by grinding my teeth together, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm suppressing myself physically by trying to not disturb others and by making little to no noise - within that, I also realise that I'm literally harming my teeth by grinding them together, thus causing damaging effects such as potential pain, crooked teeth and a crooked jaw.

When and as I see myself allowing these mind-created shackles to take hold of me in saying that I can't make noise because I'll disturb others, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed my mind to define my movements by first reacting in nervousness to wanting to be quiet and not disturb others, and then allowing my mind to define my movements thereafter by grinding my teeth within my unconscious mind.

I commit myself to quit suppressing my physical body through attempting to be quiet out of a FEAR that I am actually disturbing others by making noises and sounds.

I commit myself to make as much noise/sound as possible, within reason, though, of course.

I commit myself to not allow my mind to define my movements and to define my actions and to define myself as an individual.

I commit myself to be the directive principle within myself as to then not participate in a fear of making noise/disturbing others, and to thus not allow a reaction of nervousness and physical grinding of my teeth to follow.

I commit myself to realise and understand within myself that I have been and I am constantly doing harm to my teeth by grinding them through my conscious and subconscious mind telling me as my physical self that I should not be making noise and that making noise will disturb others - I commit myself to stop myself in the moment and breathe through any conscious mind thoughts of not allowing myself to make noise, and stopping myself as to not allow nervous reaction within my body/unconscious mind manifestation of grinding my teeth together.

I commit myself to not allow anymore thoughts within my mind to sway and persuade me to react through grinding my teeth together.

Day 250 - Willingly being a slave to my mind

It's simple to allow myself to be guided to and fro by my mind. What takes real effort/determination is to be the directive principle of myself - to let my physical body guide me. How do I do that? By not becoming a slave to my mind. By not giving into my mind's wants/desires/reactions/emotions/feelings. All of those things, they don't paint a picture within myself - they are not my true identity. But myself and all of us, we've grown accustomed to accept being a slave to our mind's. We know no better. But I'm writing myself out of the slavery in which I've accepted and allowed to take place within my body - I must drop that connection/participation that I have with my mind - then I will be a physical body, and within that, a physical guidance exclusively.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to willingly become a slave to my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take the 'easy way out' by giving all the initiative to my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be the directive principle within myself - I commit myself to thus be merely a physical body within guidance and within this path to freeing myself from the shackles in which I've accepted and allowed to exist within my mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to come to the conclusion that my mind IS me - failing to realise within myself that my mind is NOT who I truly am as an individual - also realising that my mind as me is just what I've come to accept from not knowing any better/not knowing how to walk myself OUT of my mind and into my physical body as I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the ONLY thing that I'm 'up against' and 'in battle with', is my MIND - nothing more, nothing less - although within this, I commit myself to not suppress my mind as to apparently 'win the battle', I instead commit myself to walk out of my mind, as to then avoid constant suppressible battles with my mind in which I will never 'win'.

When and as I see myself failing to be the one and only directive principle within myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that within all of my writings containing self-forgiveness and commitment statements - that THEY are my answer to actually becoming the one and only directive principle within myself.

When and as I see myself relying on my mind and seeing my mind as who I am, I stop and breathe. I realise that without prior knowledge, I've accepted and allowed the conclusion within myself of my body only being my mind - and my mind only being myself - within this, I commit myself to write daily as to prove that theory incorrect, and to prove to myself that I am not my mind, I am in fact my physical body, and nothing more.

I commit myself to become the one and only directive principle within myself.

I commit myself to not allow my mind to be the one and only directive principle within myself.

I commit myself to NOT take the 'easy way out' by allowing my mind to control/define who I am as a person - as I realise that in the past as who I am, being my mind is the only thing that I thought that I actually was as a person.

I commit myself to continue my daily writings as to walk myself out of my mind - and into my physical body as I am here.

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Day 249 - Physical/practical application after writing

Within the majority of writings that I partake in, I do notice a physical change, as I should do - but within some of my writings, I've noticed that I seem to make little physical alteration. What I've tended to do sometimes is just rely solely on my self-forgiveness/commitment statements as my point of change. And although those writings ARE my main point of change, I have to obviously change my physical being as well.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rely solely on my writings to see actual change within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I must continue on from my writings into my physical world/being as me and remember/realise my writings so that I do as I said I'd do/act within my writings to stop the reactions, the emotions/feelings from appearing within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that writings are NOTHING without physical/practical application as well.

I commit myself to always make the effort within my physical body so that I learn/be assisted from the writings which I've written, and get to that point of change in my physical body.

When and as I see myself relying solely on my writings to guide me to a state of physical alteration for what's best for all, I stop and breathe. I realise that I have to actually LIVE MY WORDS - to then become that change that I want to actually become within my physical self as me.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Day 248 - Reacting with shock to hearing certain news

I was talking to somebody online, and out of the blue, they told me that they had a 5 month old child. They had realised that I was shocked and such, as I said things like "WOW!". Anyway, at that moment, I realised that even though my reaction through shock was not an emotion, even though my shock reaction was not negative or meant in a negative tone towards this person - it is still a judgement. Why else was I shocked at this news? I was shocked through the judgement/surprise of this person having a 5 month old child.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider my reaction of shock towards someone having a 5 month old child as 'appropriate' - when in fact I was judging this person through the shock reaction in which I accepted and allowed to take place - Within that, when and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to deem certain reactions as appropriate, I stop and breathe. I realise that any reaction towards another person is inappropriate, whether it is negative/positive.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not step into this person's shoes and see my reaction from their point of view, realising that if they were shocked at me having a 5 month old child, I could take it offensively, too, because this person clearly didn't expect me to be carrying a 5 month old child if they reacted to me with shock.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stay calm when hearing the news of this person having a 5 month old child - instead of having a shock reaction which originated within my conscious mind - within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not breathe in the moment when allowing myself to participate within my conscious mind, as to then avoid all possible reactions after hearing the news of this person having a 5 month old child.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest my conscious and subconscious mind thoughts through a reaction of shock to hearing the news of this person having a 5 month old child.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate and engage with the backchat within my mind of thinking that this person should not have a 5 month old child - hence me reacting with shock, as if it is wrong of this person to have a 5 month old child.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to manifest my conscious and subconscious mind thoughts through a shock reaction to hearing 'startling' news, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must stop and breathe in the moment my conscious mind thoughts occur as to then not participate within them and react within shock.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to participate within the backchat of my mind of considering someone doing something 'wrong' just because of what I may deem as incorrect, I stop and breathe. I realise that it is not my say on whether what someone does or does not do in their life is considered correct or incorrect - as they are living their own life, and I am living my own life - which then equates to separate decision-making.

I commit myself to not participate within backchat of my mind when deeming something as inappropriate.

I commit myself to step into the other person's shoes as to make sure I see how they would deem my words towards them and to see if I would then react/not react to the words that I speak.

I commit myself to make sure that I stop and breathe before participating within my conscious mind thoughts of hearing 'startling' news that in fact might be considered offensive by the person that I am saying it to.

I commit myself to not manifest the thoughts within my conscious and subconscious mind as I would then react within emotion/feeling towards another.

Friday, 1 August 2014

Day 246 - "STOP OVERTHINKING, YOU'RE ONLY CREATING PROBLEMS THAT AREN'T THERE."

So, I saw someone post this on Facebook yesterday. It was one of those quotes. I saw it, and I was like "That is SO me/what I'm like." I really do overthink the most insignificant/common sense-type of things. And it is exactly how this quote tells it - I overthink a point SO  MUCH, it LITERALLY ONLY builds up MORE problems. That is why I've realised through trial and error/realisations that it really is best to keep it within common sense, and within basic terms.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to overthink a point to frankly beyond breaking point whereas I end up creating MORE problems than I had in the first place - therefore turning one problem into MULTIPLE problems.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to NOT use common sense when dealing with points, and I also forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not keep points BASIC.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to at times, be so caught up within my conscious and subconscious minds, that I end up acting out my reactions within manifestation through my unconscious mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take a PHYSICAL STEP BACK to then see the apparent 'problem' for what is really is, a basic problem within  my conscious/subconscious mind whereas I then take note of the exact point and write it out through self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements until reaching a point of self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give in and participate within the pre-programming of obsessive mind compulsions which are in actual fact completely unnecessary and utterly pointless.

When and as I see myself obsessing compulsively over a point, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must take a physical step back, and look at the point within self-honesty, within basic terms, and most of all, within the basis of COMMON SENSE - as to then oppose the completely unnecessary overthinking of a point which indeed only leads to more and more problems than I originally had!

When and as I see myself allowing myself to manifest my reactions to a point through my unconscious mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that I must bring it back to self in the moment, look at my conscious mind and then BREATHE, and tell myself to STOP in that moment as to stop those conscious mind thoughts from occurring - and then look at my subconscious mind's points and WRITE them out to prevent myself from then manifesting those reactions within my unconscious mind/physical body.

I commit myself to BREATHE and tell myself to "STOP!" in the moment of conscious mind thoughts preoccupying myself.

I commit myself to identify the points within my subconscious mind and to then write them out until I reach a point of physical clarity within each and every point and to therefore prevent physical manifested movements within reactions within my unconscious mind.

I commit myself to always use a point of COMMON SENSE and to always use a point of keeping it BASIC as to within that, realise that overthinking is completely unnecessary at all times and when doing that I am only giving my mind the power to influence my physical body and therefore I fail to direct/guide myself.

I commit myself to ALWAYS look at the absolute ORIGINAL point and to therefore NOT allow myself to create additional points/problems that NEVER existed within myself in the first place.