Sunday, 26 October 2014

Day 314 - Fear of tablets


No, not tablets that one uses to access the internet and type and such, tablets as in pills - the ones used for medicinal purposes or whatever the purpose may be. Hmm, for as long as I can remember (being a child) I feared tablets. More specifically, I feared to swallow tablets. Absolutely ALWAYS, I'd have a fear that runs along the lines of me choking on the tablet, losing breath - dying.

Thus, as a child, if I needed to take a tablet for medical purposes, my mother would usually crush it up and mix it with some jam or in a cup of orange juice or something similar. I guess it somewhat worked that way, but with the orange juice method, there would always be tablet remains on the base of the cup. And, I don't think I've had a tablet since my childhood. I have had times where I needed tablets, but, I remember in most circumstances, I was able to choose a liquid alternative which I was ALWAYS grateful for.

So, here goes my self-forgiveness/commitment statements on my fear of swallowing tablets.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to swallow tablets.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to attempt to swallow a tablet, that the tablet would get stuck in my throat and that I would thus run out of breath and die in my attempts to swallow a tablet.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be in the moment where I have a glass of water in one hand, a tablet in the other hand - and placing the tablet onto my tongue, whereas I then drink the water from the glass, and go into a fear within my mind, and I instantly envision the tablet getting stuck in my throat and me instantly dying on the spot from the tablet not going down my throat.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not stay within my physical self/body whereas I should place the tablet on my tongue and drink the glass of water, WITHOUT participating within my mind and thus participating within fears of choking on the tablet which is thus me existing within separation of my physical self.

When and as I see myself in the moment of holding a tablet in one hand and a glass of water in the other hand, I stop and breathe. I realise that the glass of water is the means of allowing the tablet to go down my throat smoothly and efficiently - I realise that it is an aid to assist me/the tablet in assisting my body therefore through actually ingesting the tablet.

When and as I see myself going into mind created fears of choking on the tablet once the tablet is in my mouth and I'm about to drink a glass of water, I stop and breathe. I realise that the only obstacle that is in ACTUALITY standing in my way and the way of me swallowing the tablet in itself, is MY MIND. I realise within myself that there is no other reason and no other means for me to not be able to swallow the tablet - I realise that there are no physical boundaries/obstacles standing in my way of swallowing a tablet with the assistance of a glass of water - thus, I commit myself to be HERE and STAY HERE within my physical body and see/touch the tablet and also the glass of water, to see them as equals to me and realise the aids of both the tablet/the glass of water to assist me in maintaining a healthy body.

I commit myself to not participate within fears of choking on a tablet/dying from choking on a tablet.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that there is no physical/realistic reason for a tablet to get stuck in my throat - within this, I therefore see, realise and understand that IF there is a fear within me not 'being able' to swallow a tablet with the aid of a glass of water, that I've actually succumbed to my mind and the fears therefore that go along with my participation in my mind as fear.

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Saturday, 18 October 2014

Day 312 - Grammar alert, part 2


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not type in a comma into the paragraph that I was writing, even though the paragraph 'required' a comma - out of fear of being labelled a 'grammar Nazi' - within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to when talking to this person online via a chat room, to participate within the memory of being labelled a 'grammar Nazi' for using capital letters, correct punctuation.

I commit myself to write how I want to write, and use as much 'correct' grammar/punctuation as I like to, without fearing labels of being a 'grammar Nazi'.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that there's nothing 'wrong' with me for wanting to use correct grammar/punctuation.

When and as I see myself not using full stops for instance when chatting to others online out of an exclusive fear of fearing what another thinks of me, I stop and breathe. I realise that within this and if I do this, I am handing the control over to my mind and typing within separation, as I'm not physically HERE - within this, I realise that choosing whether to use correct grammar/punctuation is down to ME, and what I WANT TO DO.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Day 311 - Grammar alert


I was speaking to some random person online using a chat room sort of website, and as they were talking to me, I noticed that they didn't use capital letters, commas or full stops. 'they basically wrote like this' - anyway, that's cool. I'm not phased by that. Having said that, I did USED to be 'picky' in terms of the person I speak to online with me basing my talking to them on their grammar/lack of grammar - which I've written about/forgiven myself for.

Anyway, it got to a point where I was speaking to this person online (typing to them) and in the particular paragraph that I was writing to them, I had used about...5 commas. And, I 'wanted' to use a 6th comma....then I hesitated. I decided to NOT use the comma, out of the fear of being labelled a 'grammar Nazi'. That meaning, in terms of being 'obsessed' with grammar, and a 'control freak' in terms of wanting each letter to be accurate, using full stops, commas, capital letters. That is how I've been described before 'online' when using the whole 'grammar thing'. And, I know that's what people mean when they describe someone as a 'grammar Nazi'.

So, like I said, I've been called a 'grammar Nazi' before, and I participated within that memory as I was considering whether to type in this 6th comma within the paragraph that I was writing to another.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

Side note: I was unsure of the difference between grammar and punctuation, ironic. After writing this, and researching the difference, now I know, lol.

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Monday, 13 October 2014

Day 310 - Gender roles, part 2


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within anger when my housemate suggested that if my female friend were to move into my current house, that she would be able to cook nice meals and wash the dishes and keep the kitchen genuinely tidy - within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the memory of anger reaction when I had lived with my mother/stepfather, and realising that my mother was the one who would always cook the meals and wash the dishes and keep the kitchen tidy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that this stereotype of women being 'good' in the kitchen is something in which we've all accepted and allowed to exist within society - within this, I see, realise and understand the stereotypical brainwashing that only women should be cooking meals/washing dishes/keeping the kitchen tidy.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger to someone suggesting that women should be cooking meals/washing dishes/cleaning the kitchen because of their gender exclusively, I stop and breathe. I realise that THAT is the stereotype in which we as humans have been brainwashed to believe is the ONLY way that things should be 'done'.

I commit myself to not react with anger to people suggesting women should be the one's to cook meals/wash dishes/clean the kitchen - and to instead focus upon my process, and seeing each individual as my equal - to see, realise and understand that no responsibilities are 'set in stone' - and that all individuals, regardless of gender, can come together to assist in particular scenarios, and all scenarios to become what is best for all life.

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Day 309 - Gender roles


I'm in the middle of moving to another house, and I got told by my housemate, a proposition to stay at my current house, instead of moving to an alternative house. I have already signed the lease to move into a different house with a friend of mine. Back to the proposition - my housemate suggested all the cool things that will befall me if I were to stay at my current house/stay at my current house with the friend that I had planned on moving to the alternative house with. I was listening to this proposition when my housemate, who is male, suggested as an 'extra', that having a female in the house (as currently it is myself and 2 other males) that it would 'benefit' the kitchen in terms of my friend being able to keep the kitchen 'clean' and 'cook nice meals'. I had an angry reaction to this. I didn't engage into arguments or anything about it, but I felt anger within myself - as I dislike the stereotype of women being good in the kitchen, and all that.

Anyway, this raised a memory within me. When I was living with my mother/stepfather, through the years, I noticed that my stepfather basically NEVER assisted with the cooking/the cleaning in the kitchen. That kitchen territory basically belonged to my mother. I grew very weary of this. And I grew a sense of resentment towards my stepfather for not assisting with the cooking/the cleaning of the kitchen - things like washing/drying the dishes. They both had jobs - so I don't see why it's the 'woman's' responsibility to partake and be the leader within the kitchen, cook the meals, clean the kitchen, wash the dishes etc.

But, within this memory and within my anger reaction/emotion to my housemate suggesting that because my friend is female, that she can be the one to cook nice meals/wash the dishes - I realise that it really is a stereotype in which we've been brainwashed to believe. That the female's responsibility is to put food on the table, to wash the dishes, and to 'please' the husband, or the family, basically. Even before discovering Desteni, I was weary of this particular stereotype - and I ended up assisting my mother in cooking/washing the dishes when I could - I always enjoyed it, though. I find cooking fun - whereas stereotypically, cooking might be seen as a chore, as well as washing the dishes. But, through discussions with my buddy/other Destonians, I realise that it depends how I APPROACH the cooking, how I approach the washing of dishes. Being in the mindset of it being a chore is utterly pointless, instead, to realise it's assisting oneself/others, and it has to be done - nobody wants to re-use unclean cutlery and so on.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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Friday, 10 October 2014

Day 308 - Horror fanatic


For as long as I can remember, I've really enjoyed watching horror movies, horror tv shows. I never stopped to think to myself "Why do I enjoy the horror genre so much?". Only through watching a horror movie recently (Wolf Creek, which I stopped halfway through out of realisation that I wasn't even liking this movie) and through my process with Desteni, only then did I stop to consider why I actually like watching horror movies/tv shows.

It's the thrill of unexpectancy. Lol, side not, 'unexpectancy' is apparently not a word. That blog entry is for another time, inventing new words..
Anyway, the thrill of the unexpected is what 'excited' me. But, I realised, the MAJORITY of horror movies are SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE. It's a joke. Like, those typical scares. The 'loud' sounds/noises are associated with 'scares'. Those get 'old' fast. It's cool, though. I've come to look for 'more' in movies/tv shows. Now, I enjoy 'new' ground. I like mystery. Movies/tv shows that make one THINK. Ones that aren't super obvious, ones that don't provide excessive and unrealistic amounts of gore to 'entertain' an audience (I'm looking at you, 'Saw'. Not that I've seen each of those movies, but from what I've seen, it's rather one 'insane' death/torture after the other).

And that is cool, because I realise now that horror movies that provide excessive gore/violence, that they are really 'standard'. Of course, wherever there is an audience, the money follows. Movie makers aren't going to ignore their loyal followers. It's the same thing with the massive 'pop' music following. Nicki Minaj and those sorts -shudder- lol. We just take and use whatever gives us a 'rush'. Personally, I'd rather have something that makes me think, as I said, something unique - that goes for music and visual things.

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Tuesday, 7 October 2014

'Diaries of a Broken Mind'

"Lifting the lid on teenage mental health, this program tells the first-hand experiences of 25 young people in the UK as they navigate the rocky road of growing up with mental health issues."
Watch documentary here


This program was on tv last night. I saw it in the tv guide, and thought it looked interesting. I like to watch documentaries about how others go about their lives, and documentaries about general things as well, anything, basically. So, it's basically a documentary about teenagers and what mental health issues they have, how they deal with them, their effects - things like that.

I found it quite interesting, and I learnt about new conditions in which I had never heard of. One called 'Agoraphobia' - which was shown in the documentary to be specifically a woman who struggled to leave the confines of her house. She even struggled to walk a few steps to the pub literally opposite her house. It's quite interesting. But, just now, I had a realisation of myself within that 'mental health issue'. If I am totally unfamiliar with a place, I tend to get a bit 'nervous'. Nervous because I'm not 'used' to the surroundings of the environment. It's just that in this particular person's case, the nervousness is magnified exponentially - and formed into a crippling force.

There were other issues that I had heard of before, and that someone I know actually has been diagnosed with - multiple personality disorder. Very interesting stuff, indeed.

Anyway, why I wanted to write this blog, was because of the countless realisations, the constant realisations I had while watching this documentary - being how much self-forgiveness/commitment statements would assist these people. Each time a new diagnosed person spoke about their issue, I thought to myself "It's too bad that you don't know of the power of writing within self-forgiveness/commitment statements!" And, I'm writing this to spread that message, as others do.

There were also forms of OCD which were showed on the documentary. I've had bouts of OCD myself. A major one I had about 1 year and a half ago was my obsession with scrubbing my hands, more so, the obsession within a fear of GERMS. Fuck, I let that shit control my life for a long time. It wasn't until I sat down and WROTE my fears out, along with self-forgiveness/commitment statements, that I ACTUALLY NOTICED PHYSICAL change within myself. And, as I previously read in some Desteni material, although the change isn't COMPLETELY INSTANT, it is THERE. And I have witnessed that change first hand. But, to remember and realise that NO change is INSTANT. There are layers to be written out within each point, some contain more layers than others, and I'd say that especially with issues such as OCD, multiple personality disorder etc - these would have a lot of layers to write out - but it does work. Although, at the same time, I've read about others' experiences and assistance which points to professional assistance/help in accordance with psychologists may be necessary, but, I haven't personally found that to be the case in regards to my own OCD/issues/points.

Either way, I'd recommend self-forgiveness to ANYONE. And to not 'diss' it until one has tried it. And, not tried it by just writing one sentence. That will do nothing at all. One has to be thorough in their writings, specific, and keep pushing. The mind is very powerful, but we DO have the power/will to CHANGE our participation with it.

Check out Desteni - you have NOTHING to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain - thoroughly recommended, thanks.
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Free Desteni online course - DIP Lite

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Sunday, 5 October 2014

Day 306 - Family dynamic


I just had some interesting experiences in regards to family. I basically met up with my mother and father to tell them that I was moving away. I'm moving elsewhere to live with another Destonian. Same country, but the place is about..4-5 hours by plane. It is quite far, I know. It's interesting how it worked, though.

I saw my father first. I told him that I was moving elsewhere, and he wasn't fond of the idea at all. He especially hates the fact that I'm associated with Desteni. That can't be helped. I know that he hasn't investigated Desteni thoroughly whatsoever. He's one of those people (and let's face it - all people) that look at the 'bad' stuff. It's interesting how my family attempt to disprove Desteni by focusing exclusively on the Desteni hate websites, basically - and choose to disregard the Desteni website itself/the articles and information on the actual website. But, I can relate somewhat. Seeing the amount of hate versus one website - it's like, majority wins sort of thing.

It's a big move for me. I've never done anything like this before. I've lived in one area my whole life, and been in contact with both my parents for most of my life, apart from one or two instances where I needed a 'break' from them both and sort of went my own way. I ended up going from motel to motel, to hotel to hotel, wasted my money. I could have found a place to settle at that was much cheaper. Trial and error, though.

But, as I've spoken to this Destonian that I plan to move in with - it will be a cool experience, in terms of assisting eachother, having the same interests, same goals, same dynamic, and we'll be able to achieve an effective means of conversation - both being in our jouney's to life and everything. I look forward to it. --- my father just called me - Basically telling me that family should be priority over anything, Desteni included. He seems to think that I've put Desteni before every single thing. Granted, I've told him things about Desteni, things that I in hindsight, should not have said. I've realised that through reading others' blogs, that attempting to get family or whoever to 'understand' Desteni is an impossible task, because the mind basically rejects the information instantly. Proper research/investigation is necessary.

I mean, anything would look 'crazy' if one only read a sentence or a paragraph ONLY. I remember first being introduced to Desteni, and I was like "What the fuck does this shit mean..?" It wasn't until I continued reading articles, writing - that I 'got it'. That it made sense to me. My mind was rejecting all these new 'terms' and 'words'. So, that is very fascinating how that works. Now, instead of ignoring the words or choosing to not understand them, I either know what they mean, or I investigate the word in all ways to understand it. That is after all how we communicate with others, through words/vocabulary.

My father actually bought me a place. He bought me a house a few years back. He says that I can move in there, and after time, it'll become my place. But, there is NO doubt within myself that he bought that house for me as a means of me to be 'close' to him. I brought that up with him today, and he denied it, saying that was 'rubbish'. I beg to differ, though. I know what my father is like. The attachment is rather immense, and I only really saw it as I broke the news to him that I was leaving. He mentioned that I'm the only son he's got left. He does not want to 'lose me', basically - he doesn't want to lose me, too..that's what I understand from that statement, that I'm his only son left. Because, my brother died a long time ago.

Anyway, I have to do what's right for me/my position. Being constricted/confined to my family/my family's rules/regulations is unhealthy. I'm 23 years old now. It's interesting how my parents still see me as this child that they brought up, and that they will continue to need to 'bring up' - seemingly until I die.

I am taking matters into my own hands - let's see how this pans out..

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Saturday, 4 October 2014

Day 305 - Destonian level, part 2



I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to burden myself with expectations in which I created within myself through participation with my mind, where I read that I had to 'be' a certain person to 'please' the person that I was talking to via phone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the memory of feeling the need to meet expectations and meet 'Destonian expectations' when talking to the person via phone - all because of the first memory which I created and thus participated in, that I was not 'good enough' to communicate with this person unless I studied Desteni material thoroughly/enough to reach this person's level of Desteni knowledge.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be the 'person pleaser' whereas I feel the need to now say the 'right' things, otherwise fearing that I'll get 'pushed away' and 'hated'. Within this, I see, realise and understand that there is no 'rush' to learn Desteni information/get to a certain point within my journey to life - I realise that I, just as others, are going at their OWN pace within their journey's, and that I therefore do NOT need to feel the need to 'get' to a certain level to communicate 'effectively' with another Destonian.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through the thinking that I'm 'not good enough' to communicate effectively with one Destonian, then relate that to ALL Destonians whereas I see myself as irrelevant and 'not good enough' to communicate effectively with other Destonians/be able to assist them, as they assist me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'worthless' when compared to other Destonians. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that Destonians are the same as me, and that each human/each life is the same as me - albeit with different paced journeys.

I commit myself to focus upon my own journey to life, instead of comparing myself with other's journey's to life - I commit myself to see, realise and understand the universal support in which I've received from all Destonians - and within this, realise that they do NOT look down on me as a person in any way, shape or form, they see me as their equal, as I see them - and they assist me without strings attached.

I commit myself to not blame myself for another's apparent views towards me of what I should be to them/how I should act towards them - to thus realise that I need only to look at how I react to others/how I am to others - within this, realising that how another reacts to me/acts towards me is in regards to THEIR journey to life/them, not me.

When and as I see myself speaking to this person via phone/via any form of communication, and not speaking 'naturally' within self-honesty, I stop and breathe. I realise that speaking within self-honesty is key, and that placing myself in 'other' personalities such as the 'person pleaser' is a lie, since I'm not a 'person pleaser'. Realising within that, that I'm lying to myself and the person I'm speaking to - since it's all an act.

When and as I see myself fearing how I should communicate to this person in any way, shape or form, based on a memory which I formed, thus participated in when talking to this person, I stop and breathe. I realise THAT was the past, and that I was still 'new' to Desteni back then - thus now I've researched, thus changed a lot, therefore understand how to 'deal' with things - I therefore commit myself to not hang onto that memory of being 'not good enough' in regards to another Destonian, and to live within the present/my present journey and see this Destonian as equal to me - within this, realising that them not seeing me as their equal/them seeing me in whatever way, realising that is NOT my decision - it is THEIR decision, therefore not my responsibility to change myself as to 'meet' their standards if they have any - thus I commit myself to change MYSELF - and NOT change myself depending on how another sees me or wants to see me - being their 'ideal' person.

I commit myself to continue my journey to life as I have been, with the sole purpose to change MYSELF to what is BEST for ALL life.

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Day 304 - Destonian level

I spoke to a fellow Destonian via phone the other day. It was the second time I had spoken to this Destonian via phone. They were the one who had introduced me to Desteni in the first place. I remember the first time I spoke with this person, I felt that I wasn't at their level, that I was irrelevant when compared to them, that I was not good enough. I burdened myself with weight in trying and at the same time, failing to get to their 'level'.

That was mainly because of things that this person said to me. I don't know if this person intended this, but the way I saw it - I had to have a certain 'level' of Desteni knowledge before I could be 'accepted' into this person's 'circle' so to speak. I presently do not feel that way now, and I have not felt the need to meet a 'level' or meet 'standards' as to relate to this person. Whether that is down to my changing within myself, the other person's changing, or most likely - both of our changing/us changing.

But, because of that 'feeling' I got when I spoke to this person, I still compare myself 'negatively' to this person. And as I was talking to them on the phone, I felt that I had to make sure I said the 'right' thing, otherwise I'll be misunderstood/not liked by this person. So, I was in theory putting all this pressure upon myself to say the 'correct' things, so that this person would not change their approach to me - even though I had done just that, I had changed my approach to them - as in, instead of being natural and self-honest within myself/while communicating with this person, I was 'someone else', I was the 'person pleaser' - all to do with that early instance of communication that I had with this person when I first met them.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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Thursday, 2 October 2014

Day 303 - Big nose fear


I was in the city today in a rather crowded area, waiting to catch the train back home. All of a sudden, I participated within this fear that my big nose is disgusting, that it's hideous, that people find me disgusting for having a big nose. I accept that I have a big nose. I used to somewhat avoid admitting that I do have a big nose, but what is the point of that? I have a big nose. But does it define me? Only if I allow it to - and I am NOT allowing my big nose to define me, as it is but ONE physical feature of me - and why whatsoever should I live in a constant fear because of the physical appearance of my nose, something that I literally have no control over? There is no reason for me to fear other's judgements towards my big nose.

I do have a big nose when compared to other's noses, lol. But, we all have different sized everything. Anyway..I related this fear to a memory I had when I was in high school. It was before classes had started, so I and the other students were in the long hallway where all of our lockers were placed - we were getting our books and whatnot, preparing for our first class. A 'sort of' friend of mine and I started jokingly arguing. It was nothing serious, it was all fun-spirited. Anyway, this person said that I had a 'big nose'. I remember feeling rather down at the time. I know it was all in 'good fun', but still, I allowed myself to take it personally and reacted with sadness.

That is the memory that sticks in my mind the most. There would have been other instances when I would have had fears about my big nose, but this is the one that sticks the most. If others come up/I feel the need to write other memories out, I will do so - but just this one for now.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the memory of someone saying that I have a 'big nose'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to in a public area, fear that people find my big nose 'disgusting' when and as I see myself participating within the memory of someone saying I have a 'big nose'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the size of my nose - within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that my nose is just but one physical feature of my face, among a bunch of other physical features - I therefore commit myself to accept all of my physical facial features for what they are, instead of holding them against myself through an energetic fear reaction.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed my big nose, thus my mind to be the directive principle within guidance of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept my big nose for what it is.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to label myself as 'disgusting' just because commonly, people that I see have 'small' noses - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not accept my nose, no matter the size of it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within emotions/feelings when I hear comments about my nose from others.

When and as I see myself participating within a fear that my big nose is 'disgusting' in terms of others' seeing it/being near my big nose, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within a memory of someone commenting that I had a 'big nose', and that I have lived within separation by participating within that memory and remembering the 'sadness' that I felt within myself as I heard those words 'big nose' being said by someone.

I commit myself to accept my nose for what it is.

I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself - not allowing myself to define myself by the size of my nose, thus be directed by my mind.

I commit myself to accept that I do have a big nose when compared to others' noses, but I commit myself to NOT hold that against myself - as it is something that is OUT of my control.

I commit myself to not allow a big nose from doing anything that I'd normally do in any way, shape or form, if I in fact had a different sized nose - a smaller nose.

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Day 302 - Reliance on means of entertainment part 2


I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go 'crazy' when choosing what videos/music I should 'have' in my possession and within this, obsessing over the point, because of my fears of being 'bored' when and if I have no internet privileges, brought upon through my accepted and allowed participation within a memory of when I was alone at my father's house without internet privileges. Within this, I realise that just using the word 'privileges' when describing my use of the internet is me seeing the internet as the best thing since sliced bread - within this, I realise that being without internet access for a few days, weeks, months, will NOT kill me. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be so reliant on internet access within my life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see the solely 'physical' things I can do within my life, such as walking, running, going to places within my physical body, interacting with others within my physical body - I therefore forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to only see 'entertainment' as watching videos/listening to music and browsing the internet.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within the belief that entertainment purposes in the form of videos/music are mandatory/necessary for myself as life - I realise that videos/music are only but ONE form of entertainment in which I can choose to use, or not. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in terms of what I can do for 'fun' and for 'entertainment' by only seeing watching videos and listening to music as my only options.

I commit myself to realise that no amount of video watching/music listening will change me to what is best for all life. I commit myself to casually watch videos/listen to music in which I 'enjoy', but not to the extent in which I allow myself to obsess over the point/the videos/music in my possession, as that is giving myself over to my mind.

When and as I see myself obsessing over my options in terms of entertainment purposes within what videos/music to have stored on my laptop/external hard drive, I stop and breathe. I realise that no matter WHAT videos/music is stored on my laptop/external hard drive, they are but ONE form of entertainment, within this, realising that they do not shape me in my life whatsoever, UNLESS I actually allow them to, in reality - I commit myself to therefore see, realise and understand WHAT/WHICH utensils/tools DO change me for what is best for all life/shape my life, those utensils/tools being WRITING within self-forgiveness/commitment statements - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see videos/music as more than what they actually are, and I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see videos/music as life-changing options.

I commit myself to not participate within the memory of being alone at my father's house without internet access.

I commit myself to not participate within the fear of having no means of entertainment other than videos/music to look at/listen to - I commit myself to not limit my options in terms of entertainment/things to do by videos/music ONLY.

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Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Day 301 - Reliance on means of entertainment


Having to have videos and music on my laptop and backed up on my external hard drive is a means for me to have entertainment benefits for when I for some reason will be without internet access. For some reason..being a trigger memory within myself of when I was at my father's house for the weekend and had no access to internet privileges. For that weekend, I had to find ways to entertain myself - luckily I had an external hard drive with me so that I could then plug it into the tv and watch whatever videos and listen to whatever music was on my external hard drive.

That's what I consider a lot - what if for whatever the reason may be, I was without internet access. What would I do....? It goes to show how reliant I've become on the internet in general. And the ability to access the internet. It's pretty crazy how many things can be done via the internet...I mean, almost ANYTHING can be done via the internet. The internet has certainly come a long, long way. It reminds me of a recent conversation I had with someone about how reliant we as humans are these days on the internet, and this person telling me how 'cool' it was to have NO internet access whatsoever when they were growing up - in the 70's/80's. I used to long for being able to be in that time period where I could physically do things, without being reliant as I am these days on the internet. Having said that, I also always used to imagine myself as being a pothead who smoked weed all day, being one of those hippies, listening and watching music festivals, lol - not anymore.

Anywayyyy, that conversation about our reliance on the internet these days, coupled with my current predicament of my reliance on NEEDING videos/music in my possession to keep myself occupied in times of deprivation....it opens up cool realisations. Of course, along with my process within Desteni, I've come to realise that I create my own entertainment. Seeing videos and music as the ONLY means of entertainment in which I can entertain myself by when lacking internet access is a limitation in which I've accepted and allowed within myself.

It's just that I've grown up with the internet, computers, videogames - those things. And within that, I haven't stopped to see what else to be 'entertainment'. It's cool to 'chill out' every now and then and watch a movie/tv show/listen to music, but those things are NOT necessities, at all. They are only necessities if I see them as necessities.

Self-forgiveness to come on my reliance of videos and music/the trigger memory within myself of being internet-deprived, thus again, relying on videos/music only as to entertain myself and not become 'bored'.

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