Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Where I live now, while I have my own room...I have share certain areas with a bunch of other people that also have their own rooms. So, bathrooms, kitchens. Those two, really. I'm cool with doing this, but I've been...denying myself certain things, because, I feel 'guilty' if I were to for instance use the bathroom, but having the knowledge that while I'm in there 'doing my thing' - another person could be wanting to use the bathroom at the same time that I'm using it, that sort of thing.
Same deal with the kitchen. And that has affected my eating habits. Thus, I don't really 'cook' anything, because, traditionally...cooking can take at least 10 minutes (thinking about pasta here). So, I've basically been eating sandwiches and cereal. That way, I'm in and out of the kitchen in a flash! See, if I'm cooking pasta at about 6pm, I'd feel 'guilt' because like..6pm is generally a time where one eats dinner. You know, you just get home from work, you're starving! NEED FOOD, mm, a nice meal for dinner sounds wonderful..
And yeah, back to the bathroom, it goes for that as well. Because, I'm jobless currently, so, I've put myself 'down the pecking order' by sort of not using the bathroom between 5 - 7am, because, generally, people wake up around there, use the bathroom, then head off to work. And like...because I'm jobless/am not studying, I consider it 'rude' for me to use it, because I don't have anywhere to go. Sooooo, all these things build up to a form of guilt within myself.
But of course...what I have to realise, is that I don't like...need a GOOD reason to use the bathroom at certain times, or need a good reason to cook dinner at a certain time. Because, yeah, that's what I'm doing - I'm putting others ahead of me, and I've basically created this little scenario whereas I work around what others do, because I see my life as 'not as important' - because I'm jobless/not studying, whereas most others in this apartment that I live at, they either work/study.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the guilt character, whereas I feel 'guilty' for using the bathroom/kitchen at times where people generally desire to use the bathroom/kitchen to go to work/cook dinner.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others because of my lack of job/lack of study.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to work around 'general' times of use that someone would use the bathroom/kitchen, to avoid getting 'in peoples way'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I do NOT have any 'less' 'right' to use the kitchen/bathroom at any particular time - I realise that I, as them, pay wages to live in this apartment, and thus, we EACH/ALL have just as much 'right' to use shared areas as one another.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see a job/study option as of the utmost importance, and use that as an excuse to view myself as inferior to those that have jobs/study.
I commit myself to listen to my body, whether it be to use the bathroom/the kitchen, and to NOT stop myself from using either facilities out of a 'guilt' emotion that I allow myself to participate in.
When and as I see myself as inferior to those that have jobs/study, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is SEPARATION, and that it's thus, INEQUALITY.
I commit myself to not allow my mind to dictate the actions that I take, and thus, do what's best for my physical body, no matter what the time.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
I think just about every time I drive, there's always at least one person who drives WAY TOO CLOSE behind my car...or just........generally does not care for the safety of others - whereas, they speed, change lanes without indicating, things like that. Of course, in an ideal society, there'd be none of this. People would care for one another, care for the safety of one another, and everything. But, for now..it's a matter of acceptance. There for now will be road users who will do whatever it takes to reach their destination, even looking 'stylish' while doing so..or attempting to (Super loud music/clear attention seeking road users).
I've noticed that some of this behaviour makes me reaction within intimidation. The behaviour which involves another road user either speeding a lot while driving behind me..or........just driving incredibly close to my car, leaving NO margin of error, this behaviour 'intimidates' me. And through this intimidation that I feel....I feel a sense of panic. And through this panic, I manifest behaviour which would 'please' the road user who I feel intimated by, because like...I'll drive 'faster' or....well, yeah, I'd basically just drive faster, even if it means me not abiding to the speed limit, and thus in reality, putting myself/others at risk, for the sake of 'pleasing an intimidator'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel intimated by other road users when they drive too close to my car, or, speed up a lot behind my car.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to through this reaction of intimidation, manifest a 'nervous' emotion whereas I change my behaviour to suit the person who I feel intimated by, by abiding to what 'they want me to do'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not abide to all road safety rules and within this, care for all road users.
When and as I see myself in a position whereas I'm driving, and another road user is very close to my car constantly, behind me, or speeds a lot when behind me, I stop and breathe. I realise that no matter the reason for the person doing so, I MUST abide to all safety protocols when driving, and to thus NOT change the way in which I drive to feel that I must 'please' the road user who is manifesting this behaviour.
I commit myself to always drive with the safety of each life at the forefront of self as I drive.
I commit myself to not change my behaviour through a manifestation of nervousness/fear of another road user driving close to my car/speeding behind my car.
I commit myself to follow all safety protocols when driving as a means of doing what is best for all.
I commit myself to not feel the need to ignore safety protocols for the sake of one person who is in a rush to get somewhere/seeking attention generally.
I commit myself to stay cool, calm and composed when driving, through not participating within my mind, and thus, not participating within emotions/fears of intimidation/nervousness.
Saturday, 27 December 2014
I attended two Christmas gathering-type things, and at both gatherings, there was a mixture of people, and for me....there were people I knew quite well (close family/cousins) and others that I did not know too well/barely at all (other relations/people's friends) - and I realised that....I was really preferring to talk to the people I was more acquainted with, rather than talk to people that I was..not so acquainted with - and I realise now that I have limited myself therefore.
Sure, I may know someone for 5 years, and I might only know someone else for about...3 months, but that's not a justification to basically ignore the person I barely know, and only communicate with the person I know quite well. I'm communicating within separation if I'm only talking to ones that I'm most COMFORTABLE talking to. And also, I'm not seeing each life as equal if I have 'preferences' based on how well I know someone, over another.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not expand my communications to ANYBODY.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit my communications to those that I feel that I know 'quite well'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have a starting point of separation whereas I want to 'feel' comfortable by only talking to those that I 'feel' that I know 'quite well'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take EACH LIFE for who they are, and thus, speak to them and get to know them and learn from them, as they can also learn from me - whereas it becomes a mutual learning environment for both to benefit.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to prefer to stay in my comfort zone.
I commit myself to see each life as equal to myself, and all other life, whereas I thus communicate with anybody and everybody, no matter if I know them 'quite well' or 'barely at all'.
When and as I see myself limiting my options when and as I'm around/in the vicinity of others, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's cool to meet new people or to get to know people that I do not know so well, as I can then learn new things, and they can learn things from me - which is cool.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to limit who I talk to, based on fears of how a person that I don't know as well, will react, to me speaking to them - whereas I fear that one would not want to talk to me because of the lack of previous communication/any communication which I've shared with that person. Within this, I realise that I must take this back to self, and see that it is a fear of mine, whereas I see it as 'strange' to talk to someone that I've never spoken to before previously, or only know another 'somewhat'.
I commit myself to 'break the ice' within showing that there is and should not be any boundaries between people based on lack of previous communication/or no communication at all, to show that each is equal - previous communication or not.
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
I have rarely used deodorant over the past year. I had instead preferred to be 'natural'. Although on a few occasions, it's been pointed out to me that I do smell. Yesterday, it got pointed out to me, again. I was a bit disappointed, because...although.......I do actually KNOW that my armpits give out an odour, an odour of sweat, it disappointed me that I had to 'block' this 'natural' smell with something like deodorant.
So, I've decided to use deodorant, to be IN the system, but not OF the system, and thus...to realise that to 'fit in' within the system, it is best for me to use these products, such as deodorant, as it has become common place within society, but, it's also to realise that all of these smells that our bodies produce, sweat..all the bodily functions, there should NOT be actions required to 'fear' these smells/bodily functions, as it's all apart of how we live/survive. But right now, my best option is to fit in with society, and thus use deodorant, until we as humanity reach a point in time whereas we do not require countless beauty products and general products that stop us from being 'human'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within disappointment when it was pointed out to me that I was giving out an 'odour' because of my want to be 'natural' and thus not use deodorant, as I deem deodorant as 'unnatural'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that deodorant has become a common practice within society, in which it is thus seen (smelt) as 'gross' when one thus smells of sweat/perspires.
And thus, I commit myself to be in the system as to use deodorant, but to not be OF the system, otherwise use deodorant within a starting point of a fear, fearing to smell - I am simply using deodorant from a starting point of 'fitting in' with society.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that to be 'natural' within society in this day and age, and thus basically NOT use any beauty products - will be seen as 'incorrect' in today's society, thus, I commit myself to do what I MUST to fit in with society, realising that my desire to be 'natural' cannot 'work' in today's society, as we as humans have placed beauty products above our natural bodily outputs.
Sunday, 21 December 2014
I went to a museum on the weekend. I actually was unsure what to expect when going there, I didn't know if it would be exclusively filled with artwork, or.....I did not know what. Turns out, there were a variety of things to look at. Artwork, dinosaur bones, animals that were alive and dead..stuffed animals, old fashioned houses, information about how emotions are 'normal'..lol. So, all sorts of things.
One particular area had all manner of animals, all dead mind you, just being there, displayed for human eyes. Like, had all the animal skin intact, and were probably stuffed, I'm not entirely sure, but either way, I was not a fan of that area. There were lions, rhinoceros', kangaroos, emus etc. So, I did not spend much time in that area. The next area I checked out was an outdoor area that was meant to be representative of nature. It was, but it was easy to tell that this little nature area was not well maintained. And walking along, there were various enclosures which contained small frogs, certain insects. They all barely had room to maneuver in there.
And I became quite aggrieved. I was joking with someone that I very much wanted to reach inside of that enclosure and 'rescue' a frog or two, just sneak them into my pockets and let them out when I exited the museum. I very much did not enjoy seeing the frogs and such stuck in these small enclosures. Just put on display for human entertainment. VERY NOT COOL.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become aggrieved when seeing LIFE inside of enclosures whereas they have little room to maneuver in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to 'free' this LIFE from these enclosures as a means of 'assisting' them, but I realise within this that this is not a permanent solution, it would only be a solution if I got away with it, for the few LIVES I could 'free'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fail to take responsibility for how and why all of this LIFE is allowed to be 'put on display' for the eyes of humans.
I forgive myself thus that I have accepted and allowed myself to see enclosed life as a means of entertainment, instead of seeing ALL life as one and equal to MYSELF.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to react within anger at the people that were seemingly amused by the LIFE that was TRAPPED inside of these enclosures, amused/mesmerised, within this, I realise that is the point of this museum, to amuse us, humans, entertain us, NOT to care for the life that is NOT human, thus, I commit myself to continue writing and to with other Destonians, get to a point whereas all life is treated one and equal.
When and as I see myself reacting in anger to seeing life enclosed in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that enclosed life is what I've accepted and allowed to take place.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that awareness must be raised among every single human on Earth, as to see, realise and understand within one another that ALL LIFE IS LIFE, and ALL life must be considered as life, as none/nothing has 'less' reason to exist on Earth, UNLESS we choose that option, which we have, as humans - change is not just necessary, it's MANDATORY.
Thursday, 18 December 2014
feeling weary and impatient because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.
"she got bored with staring out of the window"
If I'm talking to someone online, and they tell me that they're bored, I take it personally, and I thus react within anger, because...I then judge myself and see that I'm not 'entertaining' enough for the person who proclaimed their boredom to me. So, I feel like..when people tell me that they're bored, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not interesting enough/entertaining enough. Those backchats.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to take proclamations of boredom, personally, whereas I react within anger and judgments of my character of not being 'entertaining enough' or interesting enough, or good enough.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not entertaining enough/not good enough/not interesting enough, because one tells me that they're 'bored'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within backchats of judgments towards self when and as one tells me that they're bored.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that one's boredom is not 'my fault' or 'my duty' - it is in fact THEIR 'duty' - their duty as to if they feel 'boredom' or not.
Thus, I commit myself to stop judging myself as not good enough when others say that they're bored, and realise that boredom depends on one.
When and as I see myself reacting within anger when one proclaims their boredom to me, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's not my responsibility for whether one 'is unoccupied' or 'lacks interest in one's current activity' - as that is strictly down to THEM. I realise that it's NOT my job to keep everyone entertained and thus within this, see myself as 'not good enough' and thinking to myself that I must 'improve myself' only for the sake of being 'good entertainment' to people.
I commit myself to focus upon myself/how I AM at any one time, and to NOT dwell upon how another 'feels' when 'in my presence' and to thus not judge self as 'not good enough' when one proclaims boredom.
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Thought it was about time I wrote about this. I keep having these desires to buy a videogame console, if so, I'd buy a PS3 or Xbox 360. I don't want to spend too much money and thus I don't want to buy a PS4/Xbox One. I've had a history with videogames. I used to always play them when I was younger. A few years ago I owned a PS3, but I sold it. It wasn't that I 'didn't like it' anymore, but I felt as if I were 'addicted' to using it. I was addicted to some games, more than others.
I do like games, though. I definitely don't think that games should be played all the time. But, sometimes, I see no problem with. I play Candy Crush Saga on Facebook. It is cool. At the same time, sometimes I desire 'better' games. I define 'better' games as ones that 'look cool'. Lol. Games that have clearly had a lot of money put into them, they might look realistic, lots of things happening on the screen at once. And when I compare those desirable games to Candy Crush Saga, I see Candy Crush Saga as 'lame' in comparison.
So, that is my desire...to play games that have had lots of money put into them, that had lots of effort put into them. And hopefully, having that effort put into the game, transpire to me enjoying the game. That is what I'd ideally want. But, that is not always the case. Games can have so much money put into them, and not be enjoyable. That can depend on one's personal tastes, what one desires when playing a game, things like that.
And I've been looking at consoles to buy. I found some that are thus not too expensive. I can afford it. But, yesterday/today I have been looking at the software (games). And there hasn't been any games that 'take my fancy'. No point in me buying a videogame console if there are no games I am actually interested in playing. And yes, I really see buying a videogame console as pointless, therefore. If there is nothing I legitimately want to play, then there is no point forking out a rather large sum of money for a console in which I will use only for the sake of owning the console.
That is how I see this desire/scenario.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a 'better gaming experience' in comparison to a game like Candy Crush Saga.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define a 'better gaming experience' by the money/effort put into a game. Within this, I realise that money/effort put into a game does NOT always mean a game is enjoyable.
Within that, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that a game like Candy Crush Saga, although not having a ton of money put into it, with a huge budget, it nevertheless is an enjoyable game that can be enjoyed by everyone, plus, the game is cool because within it, one is able to assist others, and be assisted by others, which creates a team-like environment within gaming.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is pointless for me to buy a videogame console if there is NO software that I am actually interested in playing for the said console.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire a videogame console for means of something 'additional' to do, whereas I see that I want more 'variety' within my daily happenings. Thus, I commit myself to check out other means of variety, things that I'm GENUINELY interested in, and thus to realise within myself that to buy a videogame console and buy games for the sake of owning a console is pointless, because it's NOT something I'm genuinely interested in doing. I realise that my desire of videogames stems from the majority of my life whereas I have been somewhat 'addicted' to videogames and desire those memories to happen within my present self.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within memories of me gaming with videogame consoles and having 'the time of my life'. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire that energetic memory whereas I saw myself having the time of my life when playing certain videogames on my videogame console.
When and as I see myself contemplating whether to buy a videogame console or not, I stop and breathe. I realise that my want of a videogame console stems from a desire of the memories of 'enjoyment' that I had with videogame consoles in the past where I labelled those gaming times as the 'time of my life' and thus I saw nothing better than playing videogames as often as possible.
I commit myself to not see Candy Crush Saga as 'lame' in comparison with other 'high budget' games.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that despite Candy Crush Saga not having a huge budget, fancy graphics, fancy interfaces etc, does NOT mean it is not an enjoyable game. Within this, I realise that all games can be enjoyable, whether having a high budget or a low budget, and whether using on a pc, or a videogame console.
I commit myself to not participate within the memory of desires whereas I see gaming on a videogame console as a great time within my life.
I commit myself to accept all games as they are.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand 'genuine' interests within myself so that I can move forward and not participate in this scenario whereas I'm only participating within memories of enjoying videogames in my past.
Saturday, 13 December 2014
I have so many eqafe interviews on my laptop, but I've barely listened to any. I KNOW the material in each interview is AWESOME. It's always eye-opening, informative and effective. But, what stops me from listening to the interviews, is I know it requires my FULL ATTENTION. Before, I have attempted to listen to an eqafe interview while surfing the internet. Or, listening to an eqafe interview while...just, using my laptop to do other things. It does not work for me. I'm unsure if it works for others. But for me, I can't 'concentrate' on the word being said if I'm doing 'other' things.
And I WANT TO concentrate on the words being said. Eqafe interview are different to 'music'. With music, I can browse the internet while I'm listening to that music. With the Eqafe material, I genuinely want to listen to each word that is being said, take it in, take in the information, learn from it, expand my process, quantify my process. It requires my utmost diligence and attention. But, everytime I consider listening to an Eqafe interview, I go into future projections of playing an eqafe interview and not being able to 'do anything' because the interview requires me to listen to it and pay attention. And the 'idea' of sitting down for an hour (depending on the time duration of the interview) and just having to 'listen' without doing 'other' stuff sort of......makes me not want to listen to the interview lol.
Having said that, I've gotten advice from my buddy about things I can do that will assist me in being able to listen to the Eqafe material, things that I can PHYSICALLY do. Such as, washing dishes. I'm yet to try that. Also, another suggestion from my buddy was to write down words pertaining to the interview. Write down points, words. As, that will assist me to 'interact' positively while I'm listening to the material. So, thus far, I'm yet to try either of these methods...so, that is why I'm committing myself to do so, because there's no point having all of this AWESOME information on my laptop, and just leaving it there. It's time to do myself a favour.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to shy away from listening to Eqafe material, because I participate within future projections within my mind of the task being 'boring' because I have found that I must pay utmost attention to listening to Eqafe material, otherwise not be able to take in all the information and thus learn from it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not take into account/consideration the awesome advice that my buddy gave me, informing me to do PHYSICAL things while I am listening to the interview.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not allow my process to expand greatly by listening to Eqafe material and thus learning from it/applying it.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to have preferences to 'other' online activity, such as playing games, talking to people online.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, realise and understand that Eqafe interviews will ACTUALLY change me for what is best for all life, and within that, assist me in walking my process in every way, shape and form. Within this, I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to increase effectiveness within my process by listening to Eqafe material as often as I can.
When and as I see myself desiring to play games/talk to others online, instead of listening to Eqafe material, I stop and breathe. I realise that only ONE of those things will actually change me for the best, which is listening to the Eqafe material. Thus, I commit myself to do so.
That's a trap, though. Like, I think regularly, a person doesn't really want to change. Like, friends that know me, they only know me as the person that I act as when with them. And to have that friend (me) change, whatever the change may be, it can be 'unsettling' for the friends/whoever it is that only knew me as one type of person. I also think that's why many people fear change, in any format. Most people just accept themselves as the way they are, without even blinking an eye. They just blindly accept that they were 'born this way'. I did used to think that, until I DID change through my participation with Desteni. I've never seen a change as effective and rapid as the change I have seen happen within myself, through participating with Desteni.
But, like I said...I still fear that 'change' in regards to how people 'usually' see me. EVEN THOUGH, the change happening within myself, I, myself, am very glad about the change that is/has happened to me thus far, and will continue to do so. Although, having said that, I suppose I do fear change from my perspective, within myself, too. If I fear myself changing in regards to how others see me, then if I bring it back to self (which is always necessary) then I see that I fear myself changing in regards to how I see myself. Always bring it back to self - vital.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing a change within myself from what I've grown 'accustomed' to throughout my life prior to knowing of Desteni.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly accept my life and my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, the person I am/was, and thought to myself that THAT was the person I was born to be full stop. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see it as possible for me to CHANGE every single piece within myself and change my approach to life and thus change my approach to points within my life so that I live for what is best for all life in each way, shape and form.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear myself changing because I want to stay in my comfort zone, whereas I know the person I am/was, and I define any change within myself as 'breaking through' the comfort zone and thus equal that to a fear which I've created within myself and thus participated in.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the comfort zone, while SEEMINGLY being 'comfortable' is in fact an excuse for me to not allow change within myself.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that the comfort zone within myself in terms of accepting how I was 'born' is suppression. Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see that comfort = suppression, because it is an abdication of changing for what is best for all life within equality and oneness.
When and as I see myself fearing change within myself in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that change is ALWAYS healthy, even if it is to take 'steps back' because it is proof that I am not going to blindly accept the person I was born as, and think that THAT is who I 'have to be' and that I cannot change to anything 'better' within my lifetime.
When and as I see myself judging myself for the changes that I undertake and seeing them as 'bad changes', I stop and breathe. I realise that changes within myself, no matter how they are, are signs that I'm willing to take responsibility for myself and thus direct myself in each step that I take within my physical step and thus to walk outside of my mind and into HERE, always.
I commit myself to see changes within myself as effective means of changing myself into what is best for all life.
I commit myself to not judge changes within myself as good/bad, and to instead accept them and work on the changes if I need to, to continue my process of changing myself.
I commit myself to not play as the victim character, whereas I see myself as 'helpless' in terms of being unable to change my life/things within my life.
I commit myself to NOT accept that I was 'born the way I was' and that I can thus NOT change how I react to things, my emotions/feelings and other points within my life.
I commit myself to continue walking my process and to continue accepting the changes within myself that come my way.
I commit myself to not be stuck in the past, whereas I only view myself as the person that I was when in high school, a shy person that struggled to speak up when in the vicinity of others.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I KNOW and have seen first hand, that change is not just possible, it IS UNDENIABLE, as I've seen and continue to see within myself and within the writings that I undertake.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to view the word 'change' as an impossibility and a myth.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to FORGET that my starting point of committing myself to my journey to life IS to CHANGE myself into what is best for all life, and thus I commit myself to always remember that change is what I need/must do/expect each day that passes by.
I commit myself to LIVE the word 'change' by applying the writings that I write down, and to LIVE the changes that I write, into my practical being and physically apply them to thus see my change first hand within my physical body.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that showing others, my extended family, the change within myself is an EFFECTIVE thing, as I am going against the 'norm' and going against what we just plainly accept by just taking ourselves for 'who we are' and thus I realise within myself that actually changing goes to show that change is always possible.
Thursday, 11 December 2014
On one topic in particular, I've realised a lot that one of the reason's that I am somewhat 'struggling' to get over it, is because with this particular topic, I'm always 'going over things' within my mind, before I actually write it down/type it. And that is a recipe for disaster, because as soon as I stop typing and start THINKING, that is when the mind attempts and usually does, basically, twist all the facts around, and that is when I end up writing from the mind, and NOT from the physical. And when I write from the mind, I am writing for the mind, and thus within suppression, rather than writing immediately, saying what I have to say, because that is actual self-honesty, it is not suppression if I am writing as I am now, without thinking about what I'm going to say.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not write down what I want to say, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate with my mind whereas I consider what I should say, instead of just WRITING IT immediately and thus without any form of suppression within my words.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to consider the words that I write, to the point where I end up 'twisting' the facts, twisting the self-honesty that I'm capable of, in favour of SUPPRESSION which I get from considering my words within participation within my mind.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'take too long' when writing out my context/self-forgiveness/self-commitment statements, because I'm too busy thinking about what I should say, instead of just writing it all down from a physical point of view.
When and as I see myself being 'stuck' and not being sure of what to write or how to write, I stop and breathe. I take a moment to focus upon my breath to bring myself out of my mind and back into my physical body, whereas I can then write without any obstacles in which I've created within myself and thus accepted and allowed myself to hold me back.
I commit myself to only consider my words within reason, in a sense of whether it's appropriate for public viewing/the people involved - but NOT to consider my words from the perspective of participating within my mind and thus 'twisting' words/facts/meanings into what my MIND wants me to say, and thus suppression.
I commit myself to write within self-honesty.
I commit myself to not write within suppression, otherwise never get to the 'point' at hand and end up never actually OVERCOMING the point at hand because all I'm actually doing within suppression is writing through/for my mind.
I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself and thus within the words that I write, within my physical self.
Sunday, 7 December 2014
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay in bed longer than I actually 'have' to, by seeing my bed as 'nice and soft' and 'comfortable' and thus using excuses of my bed being soft as a reason for me to 'overstay' my welcome in bed.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my bed as anything other than a place to sleep. I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to watch tv and use my laptop in bed for the sole reason of my bed being the most comfortable place in my room, just because my bed is the softest piece of furniture in my room.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not use furniture that is actually 'practical' given the situation, whether it be using a chair opposite my tv, or, the desk chair/desk to use my laptop - I commit myself to use appropriate furniture for the appropriate scenario that I am in.
I forgive myself that i've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical body's requirements of 4-6 hours of sleep, or however many hours of sleep my body requires, in favour of 'comfort' - which in fact ends up totally disregarding my physical body, as I realise and have proven that 'additional' sleep and 'oversleep' does NOT assist my physical body in any way, shape or form, and as a matter of fact, prevents my physical body from 'reaching its potential' as I feel sluggish and zombie-like through my mind desire of staying in bed because of a 'comfort' point with my 'soft' bed.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live for an instant moment, in terms of my physical body waking up after the required amount of sleep, and then me INSTANTLY deciding to turn off my alarm or ignore my body in favour of more sleep. I see, realise and understand that only at that VERY moment, do I consider it a 'win' for me to go back to sleep. But, I also realise that despite me feeling 'good' in that moment of going back to sleep, I ALWAYS face the consequences of going back to sleep/additional sleep/too much sleep as I allowed myself to enter another sleep cycle and thus lock in my fortune of feeling 'dreary' for the rest of my day only for a sudden and instantaneous desire to 'sleep more'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical body's requirements, in favour of participating within my mind's desires of staying in bed and sleeping more because of the comfort point. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that comfort is whatever assists my physical body, whether it be a chair that assists in keeping my back straight, or a bed that allows me to sleep soundly and not do damage to my physical body in the process of sleep.
I commit myself to value practical furniture/equipment, over 'soft' furniture/equipment.
I commit myself to absolutely put my physical body/self FIRST, and NOT my 'mind' and thus backchats that go along with my mind.
Thursday, 4 December 2014
I've been trying to figure out why I always, well, lately I have especially struggled to get out of bed. I remember the first time I investigated Desteni, and the first article title that I read and the article along with it that I read was that 4 - 6 hours of sleep was all that was needed. Certainly, the first time I read that, I was like "...you can't be serious." lol, but having given it a shot, and realising that it makes sense, the article, I've seen it to be absolutely true. As others have stated on the forums about sleep, it definitely does take a week or a few weeks, at least a certain period for 'adjustment' to happen. I mean, for me, I've slept for at least 9 hours my whole life. For 21 years, approximately. Of course there will be an adjustment period from changing from 9 hours of sleep to about 4 - 6. And yes, I remember it clearly.
It did take me about 1 week to adjust to the 4 - 6 hours. I was actually surprised it was that quick for me. But definitely, I still had those days where my alarm went off and I turned it off and just went back to sleep. Those days, I was like a zombie. I felt so tired. And because I felt so tired, each of those days, I went to the shop to buy an energy drink in the hope of 'energising' my body. Safe to say, I was under the illusion that those drinks were actually 'awakening' me. I was kidding myself. They did nothing for me, except for take money out of my pocket.
For a long time I've gone from 6 hours of sleep, to my 'bad' routine of 6 hours of sleep + another 3 hours of sleep, or however long. And it always, ALWAYS make me feel zombie-like. So, this morning was the first time I had woken up and gotten out of bed instantly. Jee, I've forgotten how great it feels! I feel so much more awake within my physical body. The difference is night and day. Awake or zombie? I know my preference.
And I'm slowly realising this, that the body does 'awaken' when enough sleep is had. I set my alarm for 6 hours of sleep, but, this morning I woke up after about...4.5 hours. I was actually surprised. Because, I checked my phone to see the time, and my alarm was still 1.5 hours away. I thought it was more like 5 minutes away - because I felt so 'alive'. Another point that goes to show the importance within awareness of listening to our bodies/our bodies needs.
I've gone a bit off track here...I see my want/desire to stay in bed for longer as a point of comfort. My bed is 'nice' and soft. I mean, it makes sense. I wouldn't want to sleep on a pile of rocks. My bed is soft for a reason, to assist my body in sleeping. I've noticed this behaviour in myself a lot. Like, if I watch some tv, I can either sit on the chair opposite my tv, or sit in bed. 99 times out of 100, I choose my bed! Why? Because I find it so comfortable. It's soft, it's nice, it's relaxing. My chair? Not so soft, not so relaxing, not so nice.
I realise that the only reason I don't use my laptop when in bed is because I have it hooked up to my tv, and I'd rather leave it that way when I watch things through my laptop that appear through my tv, thus.
Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come on my excuse to stay in bed because it's soft, and soft to me = comfortable.
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
To me, being popular is having many friends/colleagues that you can rely on somewhat, and that always or a lot of the time, ask one to hang out with them all the time/invite one to parties all the time. I never saw myself as popular in my life, not when I was at school, or at my first job. I've always been rather quiet in social situations when in school/at work. I know now that was based on a fear of judgments from others, hence a manifestation of shyness where I did not want to speak to others out of a fear of saying 'the wrong thing'.
When I look back at my time in school in particular, the popular kids/people were the ones who were funny, and the ones who were confident, basically. And they always had other people hanging out with them and around them at all times. I used to envy that. I always had friends at school, but seeing other people with lots of friends, I envied that/them. Although, in the last few years, I have somewhat 'liked' the statement saying 'Quality over quantity'. And I have sort of applied that statement in a lot of things. Including when in company with others, friends, colleagues, whatever...also in relation to food, like having nicely cooked food, over a whole lot of food that is either not cooked so well, or unhealthy.
And I can see that statement within my want to be popular. Like, those popular people that have people around them the whole time, many people that is, they certainly have the 'quantity' part covered. I am not so sure they have the 'quality' part covered. Although, I am sure that, well, especially at school, those people with many friends/people around them, they'd receive quite a large ego boost because of all of those people surrounding them. Like, "Hey, I have so many friends, must be because of how cool I am."
But certainly these days, I'd much rather have quality over quantity. Or to put it more specifically, inner quality. Inner-equality. Inner-oneness. I don't need things 'outside' of me. Why would I need a multitude of friends/people/colleagues around me if my origin point, ME, is stable within myself? I wouldn't. If I'm stable as my physical body, I wouldn't need to want to feel 'popular'. Where does having a bunch of people circled around me, where does that actually get me? Nowhere. It's sort of like, I'd be basing my popularity and thus 'coolness' onto those people circled around me, instead of finding inner coolness within myself as to be stable as myself only, without reliance on people/others and thus end up seeing others socialising with me as a sign that I am 'cool'.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to look 'outside' of myself for answers and desires to be popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to be popular in the first place.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself through my desire to be popular, see that I must have many friends/colleagues/people around me to 'feel' popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not look within myself from a starting point of stability.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to put popularity over stability within myself as a physical body.
When and as I see myself wanting lots of friends/colleagues/people around me all the time in the hope of 'feeling' popular, I stop and breathe. I realise that I don't need to rely on things/people outside of myself to 'feel' a certain way. Thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that stability comes from within, I realise that if I'm stable within myself, then I will not feel the need/desire to want to be popular.
I commit myself to live 'quality over quantity' by focusing on myself foremost, and thus to stabilise myself, and as to then not rely on or feel the need to be with/around others or others around me to feel a certain way, to feel popular.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as popular, so that then other random people will see me as popular and then think to themselves that 'that guy must be cool, so I'll go and hang out with him.'
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being 'liked' because of people circled around me and thus popularity, is not a starting point that I want to have. I commit myself to write to get to a stable point within myself whereas I don't need to be 'liked' because of something outside of myself/people outside of myself and thus be liked based on popularity.
I commit myself to not desire to be liked by everyone. I commit myself to realise that mutual liking between two people, or effective communication between two people is based on the two people at hand, thus I realise that a mutual understanding between two people should only be decided by those two people and not any 'outside' influences/people/things.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I do not need things outside of myself to be viewed as by others as 'cool'. And thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that coolness comes from within myself, and within my physical body.
I commit myself to not live within separation by relying on others to 'make me feel good' about myself.
I commit myself to see that I am the starting point of making myself 'feel good' - feel good, being stability.
I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within myself, and thus not change the directive principle to that of my mind and thus other people outside of myself.
I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am ALWAYS the origin point of change, not anybody/anything outside of myself, and thus I commit myself to stop looking for changes that are not from within me, otherwise, allow myself to begin a never ending journey whereas I am continually desiring change from something outside of me in which I will never be able to capture.
Tuesday, 2 December 2014
Last night I went out for dinner with someone, and after our meal, this person decided that we should both try our luck on the poker machines. I'm certainly not a fan of them. People gambling away all of their money. I mean, for me personally, I know now that I'd never reach that stage, I mean, with my understanding of my mind, and within that, addictions/attachments/desires, all known from my readings/knowings by Desteni, like, I know how the mind works in terms of...'one more go..' - on the poker machines that is. I've been like that before, telling myself to play just ONCE more, and of course, that once more turns into about 20 times more, and soon enough I realised that I lost something like $50.
Anyway, this person I was with, they occasionally played the poker machines. And they were rather lucky. They had only played, I mean, they played about...once every week/once every 2 weeks, about that amount, so not a whole lot, but they were telling me that luck was always on their side, as in, they'd always make a profit. If I'm not mistaken, a lot, if not all poker machines only give out money after a certain numbers of uses. So obviously, I mean, there's no 'skill' involved. It is based purely on luck, lining up those fruits, or whatever the symbol may be.
Anyway, what I found fascinating while I was playing on my poker machine was the sounds that the machine makes to draw me into keep on playing and to excite me to the point where I just literally want to keep playing for those 'nice' sounds that are made when one lines up a certain symbol on the poker machine that could lead to a jackpot of some sort. I also noticed this behaviour with the person I was with, where they got excited/told me they loved hearing that sound for when 1 symbol that could lead to a jackpot was lined up, then of course the poker machine randomly chooses the other lines and one just hopes to hear that 'lucky' sound to know that they are on their way to a jackpot/profit.
I found it really cool, though. Because, before investigating Desteni, knowing about the mind, I had no clue what made me enjoy playing poker machines so much. And now, it was literally the first time I had played poker machines since investigating Desteni, and it was super cool knowing how poker machines draw a person in. And it is so amazingly evident to how people get addicted to poker machines/gambling in general. For poker machines, all the flashy lights, all their 'winning' sounds. Also, they attempt to make one think that they're in 'control' when all a person in fact is doing is pressing a button, after that, the machine decides, not the individual playing on the machine.
So, the person I was with lent me some money to use on the machine. We used a machine each, and used $5 each. We played for about 10 minutes, and we both made a profit and then walked away.
In any case, I just wanted to share my experience with poker machines AFTER investigating Desteni material - Lite/Pro/the numerous articles/interviews - because my newfound awareness of how the mind works within addictions to poker machines was really awesome to see/know of/realise when using a poker machine.