Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Day 371 - Fallllllllllling
It's cool that basically ANYTHING can give one insights into themselves in any way, shape or form. Even a game. I was playing a game via Facebook called 'Trials' (I think) - and it's like a 2D/3D-ish motorbike game where one traverses over ramps, various obstacles, and attempts to get to the finish line as fast as possible. One of the new levels that I faced last night had me going up a ramp, and I missed the platform right...and so I ended up falling and falling all the way down, and as that was happening, I shivered. I knew instantly, this feeling was JUST LIKE the feeling of falling that I used to have as a child.
I realised it instantly, which is super cool and another cool thing that happens in one's process with Desteni, all these realisations, putting the pieces of the puzzle of oneself back together, finding the origins, getting to these origins, and rectifying them through writing - awesome. Because yeah, I used to ALWAYS have these dreams, I'd call them nightmares, actually, as a child. I'd be on a swing or something, or a mountain, a building..and suddenly it was like whatever I was sitting/standing on would just fall away...and I'd be fallllllllllling at an insane pace, no time to act, I mean, what the fuck can I do, falling at such a place - I felt helpless within these dreams.
And so, it was ALWAYS a huge fucking relief to wake up just before hitting the surface and most likely exploding...lol not exploding (too many videogames) - more like just...dying...........epically, blood everywhere, I'd be flat, dead, if I were to hit the ground at such a speed. So yeah, I'd wake up, SUPER relieved, but still be in a panic, because it's like "Fuck, I just went through that whole experience and almost died.."
And as I was playing the game (Trials) it was interesting, because as I had this 'shivering' feeling, I knew I was in control of a videogame character, but the falling thing, it still IMPACTED my physical body...SF/SC TIME.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within memories of when I was a child, having nightmares and FALLING - when and as I was playing a videogame which I 'likened' to that same experience of FALLING in nightmares that I had as a child.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling and thus falling to my death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'helpless' when and as I were 'falling' because I saw that I was going to die instantly as soon as I hit the ground..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within future perceptions of me falling and feeling intense physical pain all over my body through falling form a high height and hitting the ground with a strong impact/force.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that all of those times that I was playing on 'high' equipment as a child and being told to 'be careful' by people - it made me fearful of falling...and thus, through that...I allowed nightmares within myself of how it would 'feel' to fall and fall - and how that would 'feel' like as I was falling all that way.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear heights, and what would happen to me if I were to fall down from the height, whatever it was.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within memories of movies whereas I saw people get shot or fall or commit suicide from going off of large buildings/high places and seeing the pace/force of the speed they were moving at and 'wincing' when and as I saw them splattered all over the ground in pain/dead.
Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through those participations within movie moments of high falls/death/pain - create a fear of that exact thing happening to me, which I can 'make true' through dream/nightmare creations and participations - because it 'feels' so real within a dream/nightmare, and thus I made it happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see movies as reality, whereas it will happen within my life - when movies are just that, MOVIES - made to make people 'feel' things, whether it's emotions/feelings - fears - and I've allowed that to impact me and 'stay' with me as a fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become brainwashed through these movies to thus manifest a fear within myself of falling to my death from high situations.
When and as I see myself fearing that I can fall to my death at any time, I stop and breathe. I realise that there is no VALID reason for me to fall to my death, or fall neverending-ly to my death - I realise that through movie participation, I've MADE those patterns within my own mind when and as I see people falling/getting hurt/dying from falls from high places. I commit myself to not participate within these memories of movies and falls/death/pain within movies and to thus realise now that movies are NOT real, they are 'acted out' and are created to 'engage' people's 'emotions' and 'feelings' - which is what has happened to me.
When and as I see myself participating within 'cautions' from people when and as I used to play on 'high' equipment and using that as a base/fuel to fuel my fear of heights/falling, I stop and breathe. I realise that through those cautions from people, I was extremely fearful of falling because I saw that it would either hurt a Hell of a lot, or I'd die. I commit myself to thus make sure my starting point of 'heights' or using 'heights' is valid/commonsensical, in terms of knowing if for any reason I could 'fall' from tripping or something like that - so as to be aware of 'high' situations in present/future and to use that commonsencial starting point as a means to know possibilities of me ACTUALLY falling for whatever reason and hurting myself/dying.