Friday, 16 January 2015

Day 372 - Using someone

I've been under the impression that I'm somewhat 'using' another. I actually have stopped this apparent 'using' as of late - but I once did take advantage of this 'using' of another. I feel as if I am using someone, because the relationship with this person is not exactly 'strong'. And the relationship with this person has been...rather weak in the past - although admittedly it's 'normal' now, I'd say. I mean 'normal' because there is lack of arguments/disagreements.

But even so, I still rarely see this person - and yet, they have offered me 'assistance' with something if I ever need it. So yeah, for me, I go into this guilt feeling, I feel like I'm taking advantage of this person, because we barely speak in the first place/don't see much of eachother, which is why I have not taken advantage of this 'assistance' that I've been told I can use at anytime. I can definitely see that if the tables turned somewhat, and I started seeing/talking to this person more regularly, then I would NOT feel 'guilty' or feel as if I'm taking advantage of another - because I'd feel that the relationship/bond is 'strong' anyway.

So let's see - I want to try putting myself in this person's shoes (always an important step) - Actually yeah, first a realisation, because I can imagine generally...whereas someone says something like "Oh, you're only here to see me because you need that 'assistance'." And that is what I can see from putting myself in this person's shoes. So, I can see how it's important to 'keep in touch' with another if I do want this particular 'assistance' - but at the same time, I don't want to only keep in touch with this person for the sake of this 'assistance'.

The 'assistance' is like an added bonus. But yes...I can see how I have been 'using someone' for this particular 'assistance'. And only really seeing this person for this 'assistance'. So, that is not cool - what I'm doing. Also though, I'm not going to 'pretend' like my relationship with this person is 'all good' and thus see them every now and then, but ONLY for a starting point of desiring this 'assistance' - that is also not cool. Basically, if my starting point of 'knowing' someone is for a 'favour' - then that is using someone.

I see that my starting point should be to actually 'know' someone and be able to communicate with someone effectively without any 'strings attached' in terms of wanting particular favours for myself in some way.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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