Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Day 379 – A start needs an end


I SHOULD have about 2 days prior to this entry, worth of blogs, but because of backchats about the points I was writing about, I ended up deleting everything I wrote, Self-forgiveness included, and was thus left with a blank page. I had backchats like “Is this point even worth writing about?” – I mean, obviously it was worth writing about if I had already written out a context and was halfway through my self-forgiveness. It was a form of suppression. It was like “Meh, fuck this topic/point – I don’t want to write about it anyway, it doesn't even seem ‘worthy’ of writing about.” Yeah, worthy...I've noticed that within my writings, I have a tendency to compare all of my writings and label them as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Like, some points I see ‘cool’ points, while others I see as ‘silly’ – I see certain points that I write about as ‘silly’ because they are so ‘small’ or TO ME, they seem so ‘small’ and hence I consider them not even worthy of writing about.

But, ‘worth’ is what I make it. I mean, any point within myself that I am struggling with, that I am facing resistance towards, that I have reactions to, whatever it is – it IS WORTHY of writing about. Even if it ‘seems’ ‘small’ and thus APPARENTLY ‘unworthy’ – I mean, if it’s going to assist me of letting go of the point, then why the fuck would I NOT want to write about it? It does not make sense. Sooo, I have to stop comparing my writings to eachother and seeing certain points as more worthy than others, and ‘not caring’ about the ‘lesser’ points and thus not putting as much ‘into them’ as I would with writings that I consider as ‘bigger’ points. Whether it’s a ‘big’ point or a ‘small’ points – it’s a point I must write about and let go of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare each of my points/writings/blogs with one another, and within this, see certain points as more ‘worthy’ than others, and use that as an excuse to not care about the ‘lesser’ points and not put as much effort into the ‘lesser’ points. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see points within myself as ‘less’ than others and ‘not as important’ as other points.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to start writing about a point and because I judge it as ‘unworthy’ – decide to delete it all, whereas because of this I only end up suppressing the point and allowing it to BECOME a ‘bigger’ point because of my suppression of it when it was a ‘smaller’ point. Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand the consequences of not writing about a ‘smaller point’ in the first place – as it can BECOME a bigger/big point because of my lack of writing about it to completion in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that points within myself that I write about do differ in terms of how much they affect me, but it does NOT mean that the points that ‘don’t affect me as much’ are not ‘worthy’ of my consideration/writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can ‘prioritise’ the points that are affecting me more than others, but to NOT FORGET/SUPPRESS the points that are still affecting me, but to a ‘lesser’ effect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit down and write, but to apparently ‘struggle’ to come up with points to write about, realising that I only am ‘focused’ upon writing about ‘affecting’ points and thus ‘big’ points. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that ANY point is ‘worthy’ of writing about, and priority within writings points is ONLY to write out what is affecting me most, which can assist me within my life earlier by writing about the most affecting points by prioritising.


When and as I see myself in the process of writing about a point, and feeling ‘lazy’ within actually writing out the point, or feeling like I want to ‘delete’ the writing I've done about a particular point because of seeing/JUDGING the point as ‘unworthy’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that ALL points are ‘worthy’ of writing about, and just because a point does not affect me as much as a different point, does NOT mean I should just ‘forget’ about it, because in fact if I do that, it WILL come back up and ‘hit me harder’ and ‘affect me more’ BECAUSE I allowed myself to suppress the point, instead of writing it out instantly within the moment. I commit myself to NOT wait until a point ‘really’ affects me BEFORE writing about it, because the more I suppress a point, the more it will evolve/emerge from within myself.

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