Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Day 380 – Anger within being self-conscious


Someone mentioned something about my appearance, my eyebrows more specifically, and how that ‘to them’ my eyebrows were ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’. I REALLY became self-conscious as soon as those words were spoken to me. I went into self pity and instantly participated within an angry energy, mainly towards the person who said this about my eyebrows. I guess it was really unexpected because this person usually never said anything about my ‘appearance’ – well, nothing ‘negative’ at least.

And yeah, after that was said to me, I got angry at the person, and started feeling super self-conscious when walking around the shopping centre in public. I didn't want anyone else to see my face/eyebrows in case they also thought they were distracting/annoying..

What I did realise about 5 minutes after my ‘angry outburst’ was that the person who said this to me, well, it was only THEIR idea that my eyebrows were distracting and annoying. It’s their judgment/opinion of what they want eyebrows to look like. It doesn't mean it’s my personal idea of how I ‘like’ eyebrows to look. And each has their own idea of how they like/want their own eyebrows to be. But yeah, ever since being told this, I've been freaking out a bit about my eyebrows and taking ‘extra care’ to attempt to make them look a ‘certain way’ because of how this person perceived my eyebrows to be.

I finally realised that this was not ‘working for me’. My eyebrows are just the way they are, I don’t want to sculpt them endlessly, or pluck them endlessly, or make them look all fancy or whatever. I’m ‘cool’ with how my eyebrows ‘are’. And I see no reason to change this because of how one person perceives them and how one person sees are ‘ideal’ eyebrows. At the same time it was a wake-up call. I should not have reacted in any way, shape or form to what this person said about my eyebrows. I should have simply ‘let it go’. But yes, I need to do this through writing. Letting go of the point, walking the point – which is what I’m doing now..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to instantly upon hearing that my eyebrows were ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’ – go into an ‘angry mode’ of being self-conscious whereas I was firstly pissed off at this person for ‘judging’ my eyebrows, and also from those words, self-conscious about the way in which my eyebrows were, fearing that others would also judge my eyebrows to be ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this ‘judgment’ of my eyebrows by this person, was formed through an ‘ideal’ of how this person perceived ‘ideal’ eyebrows to be which is why they made the judgment about my eyebrows in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that each person has their own ‘ideal’ of how they ‘prefer’ eyebrows to generally ‘be’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take this person’s words as the ideal to how EACH person thinks of eyebrows generally and thus my own eyebrows, and within this, using that as an excuse to feel self-conscious about how my eyebrows are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this is what society is generally like these days, judgments specifically focused on one’s appearance, which are either backchats, or in this case, spoken to me face to face. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I too have also participated within these judgments and backchats within my mind of how I perceive another’s appearance to be or how I perceive it ‘should be’ because of an ‘ideal’ I’ve come up with within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my eyebrows from my own perspective, and to thus see what I can ‘do with them’ within ‘reason’ – to see how I myself like them, and to not ‘alter them’ based on how another feels about them/judges/perceives them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I was self-conscious about my face generally prior to the judgment made about my eyebrows, which is why I reacted angrily, I was so sensitive about my face, thus the comment about my face, eyebrows, made me go ‘off the rails’ and react towards the person with anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept my face, as to thus not be self-conscious about my face, and thus NOT react to anyone who says ‘anything’ about my face, whether in a ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ light.

When and as I see myself allowing myself to be self-conscious about the appearance of my face, I stop and breathe. I realise that to be self-conscious about the appearance of my face is my allowance of failing to ACCEPT the appearance of my face for what it is, based on an ‘ideal’ of how I perceive a ‘nice’ face/appearance to be. I commit myself to LET GO of how I perceive an ‘ideal’ face/appearance to be, to let go of the brainwashing of how I've come to see an ‘ideal’ face/appearance, to thus be able to accept my face for what it is, as I was ‘born this way’.

When and as I see myself reacting within anger at another judging my eyebrows and saying how my eyebrows are ‘distracting’ and ‘annoying’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that this person, as do most people, have a certain ‘ideal’ or ‘template’ of how they perceive ‘ideal’ eyebrows to be/look, thus it’s pointless for me to ‘react’ to how another judges/perceives my eyebrows, as we've all been brainwashed in different ways to ‘think’ how eyebrows/appearance generally ‘should be’ – instead of accepting all appearances/eyebrows as how they are, simply. I commit myself to ‘stay true’ to my own self-image, to accept it, as to not participate within anger energy when another makes a judgment about my appearance in any way, shape or form.

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