Tuesday, 3 February 2015
Day 383 - Anger at 'being nervous' comment
I've recently been volunteering somewhere, and have just started recently working at the cash register. My first time using it went quite well, the manager was surprised that I was able to stay 'cool' under 'pressure' or/and when being in the spotlight so to speak. I was still getting to grips with remembering how to input if a buyer uses a credit card to purchase products. I had gotten grips on how to assist a buyer when they used cash.
The day after, a co-worker that had been at the store for many years was at the cash register. The manager suggested that I take over at the cash register, just to further my grip on how to operate it. I did so, with this co-worker looking by/assisting me if I needed assistance. After about 30 minutes, the manager returned and the co-worker stated to the manager that I did well on the cash register, but was 'nervous'. I immediately said that I wasn't nervous, just getting to grips with how to use the cash register/system.
But, I was a bit angry at being told I was 'nervous' which is why I perhaps did not know the cash register inside/out..
At the time, I remember thinking if maybe nerves were the reason that I didn't know how to operate certain areas of the cash register by then? And writing about it now, I still don't actually think 'nerves' were the reason. It had only been my 2nd time using the cash registers. I just had to practice a bit more. Either way, I should not have reacted within anger at being told that I was 'nervous' at the cash register, thus why I had not known how to use the cash register inside/out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within anger towards a comment that I was 'nervous' when using a cash register.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I must defend myself infront of my manager to show them/prove to them that my co-worker was wrong about me being nervous.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be held in 'high regard' infront of my manager, and felt that my 'regard' or 'character' was being attacked/lessened by the comment of being 'nervous'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the day before, my manager suggested that I could use them as a reference in future, for potential jobs. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as a reason to defend myself/feel the need to defend myself, because I wanted to make it look as if I was the 'best worker' the manager had seen, and thus improve my working ways infront of my manager, which could be then used to my advantage when applying for future jobs.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the manager can make their own decision/choices based upon my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel the need to 'prove myself' to my manager at all times - instead of concentrating on the moment at hand to simply do the best job that I can.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not, if needed, reply to the comment about 'being nervous' - but to reply to it WITHOUT emotion, and just reply to it cooly, calmly, physically, albeit with no ill intent towards anyone.
When and as I see myself feeling like my character/self is being attacked, I stop and breathe. I realise that attacks/judgments are rather 'natural' and 'common' in society these days, thanks in no part to each one's mind. Thus, I commit myself to not react to someone if they attack/judge me/my character - and just accept that attacks/judgments will occur, and my reactions towards attacks/judgments won't assist myself/the person/the situation whatsoever, thus I don't react.
When and as I see myself attempting to 'look good' infront of the manager because they suggested I use them as a future reference and thus as an advantage/assistance when applying for future jobs, I stop and breathe. I realise that the manager can and WILL make their own choices/decisions about myself/how I work, thus I do NOT have to feel the need to 'defend' myself when someone says something about me that I disagree with. I commit myself to reply to a attack/judgment/comment towards myself, but minus the emotion and thus minus the participated anger energy whereas I feel the need to defend myself infront of my manager.