Thursday, 5 February 2015
Day 384 - Obsession versus Awareness
Lately I've confused things within my life/self as to what is an obsession, and what is practical awareness. When I look at those two words now, they are very different, but, within obsessions within my own life, I have not realised that they are actually obsessions. I only thought they were 'normal' things to be aware of. There are still a lot of things I still 'naturally' obsess about, and within this, 'freak out' about. It's not really external things, like people or products, it's mainly things do with with myself, like obsessing over whether my phone is STILL in my pocket, or my wallet.
Those are obsessions. There is no reason for me to for instance, constantly check my pockets to know that I have the 'right' stuff in my pockets. Awareness of that would be to know they are in my pockets, and to see no reason as to why they would not be in my pockets. And going back a step, it would mean me being aware of if I for instance put my phone down somewhere for a bit, I'd have to be aware that it was there, and be aware as to remember to put it back in my pocket. So, it's definitely vital to be AWARE at ALL times - because I see that if I am truly aware at all times, I can avoid obsessions. If I live awareness, then there'd be no reason for me to for instance 'fear' and 'obsess' over whether my phone is actually in my pocket or not. Awareness within each breath/step/physical movement of myself would SHOW me that I am HERE - if I am HERE, I would not 'forget' to put my phone back in my pocket after taking it out of my pocket and putting it somewhere momentarily - I'd be aware as to put it back into my pocket, definitely.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'blur' the lines between what is proper/practical AWARENESS, and what is OBSESSION.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise when I am obsessing over something, and when I am simply AWARE of something. Within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not be AWARE of my OBSESSIONS - thus be able to STOP obsessions within their tracks through BREATH/Self-forgiveness on the spot.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that obsessions = backchats. Because within points/things that I 'obsess' about, there is ALWAYS constant backchats within myself of for instance, "Is my phone in my pocket?" and also backchats within 'what ifs' - "What if my phone is not in my pocket? I better check." then manifest the checking/constant checking of my pocket for my phone - which again, should NOT be necessary if I am aware of where I place my phone/where it is at ALL times - awareness.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if something is PREOCCUPYING me/my mind within backchats/fears, then apart from it being a point that I must write about, it is also an obsession that I've obviously allowed myself to create and thus exist as.
I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that obsessions = obstacles.
When and as I see myself failing to differentiate between obsessions and awareness, I stop and breathe. I realise that anything within myself, a backchat, a fear - that is for instance 'constantly' 'on my mind' - is a self-created obsession which I've allowed to be created within myself, and thus something that I must breathe through/write out to of course STOP the point PERMANENTLY in its tracks, thus to not revisit it in any way, shape or form. I commit myself to BE AWARE of EVERYTHING that goes in within myself, whether it's in my physical/practical nature/doing, and ALSO, to be AWARE of points within myself, backchats within myself, fears, obsessions, to thus KNOW what I'm dealing with within myself, to realise whether it's practical awareness, OR obsessive/backchats/fears.