Monday, 16 February 2015

Day 389 - Hesitancy


I've realised a common pattern with everyday things that I do, where I have basically made a PHYSICAL/PRACTICAL decision to DO something, but then HESITANCY 'appears' and I 'think twice' about the PHYSICAL/PRACTICAL decision that I'm about to make. I've realised that this hesitancy is originating within my mind. It's 'making me' think twice about doing something, something that I've already decided within my physical self, is worth doing, or needs to be done. So, I'm writing about it to STOP this pattern of hesitancy, and do basically DO what I set out to do in the first place. Because I've also noticed how what I decide to do, well, it is a physical/practical consideration/decision. It's like instinct. Like, one example is when I've considered going on a break when volunteering, a 10 minute break, because I'm thirsty for instance. Usually it's instinct. Like, "Okay, my body requires water now." And then I make a decision to grab some water and go on my break at the same time, BUT THEN, HESITANCY appears, and it's like "Okay, instead I might put off the break/water for later."

So what I'm saying is that from what I've seen at least, the first instinct is usually physical/practical, a practical/physical consideration for myself. And when I allow hesitancy to appear, it's always been a sign, a message from my mind, telling me that perhaps I should not go on my break and grab some water, even though my physical body REQUIRES water. In that instance, I guess my mind wants me to carry on with volunteer work, but if I do that, I'm SUPPRESSING my physical body by not nurturing it with water. Water is VITAL. It should not be 'questioned'.

That is but just one example. Other examples are like this same example, but replacing the water with food. I mean, if the physical body is 'crying out' for something, I need to ANSWER THE CALL. Why put it off, why hesitate? Hmm. I'm realising some things when I ask myself that question. For the water/break, I'd hesitate because it's perhaps 'too early' to have a break, or something like that. Like, me wanting to spread out my breaks, since I only have 2 per shift. Although that can be remedied, I can drink water without having a break. The food thing is similar, say, it's 11:30 am, and my stomach is rumbling, it needs food. I'd wait until at least after 12 pm to eat, because that is the 'common' thing to do, to eat lunch usually at about 12/12:30.

Although not all examples are like this. Some are like, when I was at the park, deciding whether to listen to music/Eqafe interviews or not, and I'd make a decision to do so, then hesitate and decide against it. Hmm, but I realise that at that time, I hesitated/changed my mind because I wanted to just focus upon nature, be silent, no sounds for a bit, and then listen to music/Eqafe interviews at a later time.

That is interesting. So I guess there always is a reason for the hesitancy. But usually it's not 'valid' or 'appropriate'. But what I do want is to make ONE decision and to STICK WITH IT. Because, through that hesitancy, I can basically go back and forth between doing something or not doing something, and creating/making a 'big thing' out of NOTHING. SO, what I see now is I must SLOW DOWN, to consider all things infront of me, BEFORE making a decision. THAT WAY, I can avoid hesitancy. I can avoid other alternatives, I can avoid split decisions - as to stick to ONE decision that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a decision to do something, but then hesitate and decide against the decision/make a different decision based on alternative factors.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not SLOW DOWN BEFORE making a decision to do something, that way, I can take ALL THINGS into consideration, thus to be able to make a CLARIFIED decision and ONE decision to DO SOMETHING, rather than 'rush' to make a decision, and then participate within hesitancy which makes me either decide against the decision, or consider other decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to RUSH into making a decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down at ALL TIMES, to thus be HERE and be able to make practical/physical decisions based on practical/physical considerations for what is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not 'listen to' my first instincts - which thus far have indicated within me a practical/physical consideration for me/others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that some forms of hesitancy can originate within my mind, as backchats - which are actually related to fears of doing something/taking the necessary practical/physical steps to do what I had planned to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not access the situations of when hesitancy appears within myself, to see, realise and understand whether it's mind based hesitancy (fears/backchats) OR real/practical/physical considerations that I hadn't considered yet, as I was RUSHING too much within my physical body and thus unable to slow down, be HERE and ACCESS the situation thoroughly to thus be able to make an informed decision for what is best for all life.

Within the not listening to my first instincts, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that it depends on the STARTING POINT of my 'first instincts' to thus see whether they are mind-based, or PHYSICAL based. Thus, again, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that as long as I SLOW DOWN at ALL times, then I can simply make INFORMED decisions based on ALL considerations/being aware of all things ahead of me, BEFORE making the INFORMED decision. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that an INFORMED decision is a decision which takes into considerations WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE, within oneness and equality terms, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make informed decisions based on what is best for all life.

When and as I see myself rushing to make a decision, I stop and breathe. I realise that a rushed decision can be based on 'instinct' but that does NOT mean that I have considered in ACTUALITY what is best for all life. I thus realise that instincts can NOT always be 'trusted'. I realise that I must look at my starting point for the instincts that I consider/do. I realise that whatever decision that I make, it must be through NOT RUSHING, it must be through SLOWING DOWN and thus being able to make an INFORMED decision that considers ALL LIFE/WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL. Thus, I commit myself to realise that it's not about trusting things within myself or not trusting things within myself, it's about being HERE, and it's about being able to make a decision EVERY SINGLE TIME, that considers WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE, ALWAYS, which in itself, takes into considerations all aspects - thus being able to make an informed decision and ALWAYS make an informed decision that considers ALL LIFE/ALL ASPECTS, ALWAYS.

When and as I see myself making a decision based on BACKCHATS, I stop and breathe. I realise that ANY decision based on backchats and thus fears/emotions/feelings, is obviously NOT an 'informed' decision that considers what is best for all life, it's simply a decision based on FEAR/EMOTIONS/FEELINGS, a decision based on my MIND, and therefore NOT a practical/physical decision/consideration in any way, shape or form. I commit myself to STOP when and as I see that I am about to make a decision based on BACKCHATS. I commit myself to STOP AND BREATHE during the moment of making a decision based on backchats, and to thus bring myself back HERE, and thus be able to make an INFORMED PRACTICAL/PHYSICAL decision based on WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL LIFE AT ALL TIMES, MINUS the backchats/fears/emotions/feelings that appear from within my mind and I manifest through making a BACKCHAT based decision.

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