Monday, 9 March 2015
Day 395 - Guilt memory
The other day I saw someone from my past that I hadn't seen for about..10 years, and I had an INTENSE reaction towards seeing this person. I was attempting to 'shy away' from making eye contact with them. We didn't speak to eachother, I actually ended up disappearing momentarily in the hope that they'd have disappeared once I returned. And that's what happened. I have no idea if they recognised me. I had a feeling that we probably recognised eachother, but were both keen on keeping our mouths shut, lol.
I've had plenty of memory reactions/resistances, but this memory in particular was like no memory that I had felt before. It was just a really strong and intense feeling. I know now why this is. It is a guilt feeling. Or, a guilt emotion. Something happened between this person and I in the past and I felt really guilty because of it. I would say I've suppressed the guilt emotion up until now because I've definitely shied away from remembering it in any way, shape or form. Only now that I saw the person, and the memory appeared, now I get to see how 'powerful' the memory was for me, and now I have a great chance to write it out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about something that I did in the past - guilty within regret.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself for what happened in the past between another and myself, instead of moving on from it, and letting it go, thus to not be controlled by the memory.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I cannot change certain things that I did in the past, and thus to hold onto a particular scenario that I have no control over in the present is futile and pointless and a waste of my time/effort/process of change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this person from my past after so many years, and instantly participate within the memory thus emotion of guilt/regret of what I did in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the past is the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not strike up conversation with this person, rather than shy away within guilt/regret at something that I did in the past in regards to this person and I.
When and as I see myself seeing another and allowing myself to participate within memories of guilt/regret that are intense and make me feel 'down' - I stop and breathe. I realise that memories with ATTACHMENTS DO have an effect on my being, thus I commit myself to let go of attachments towards memories that I've had, because no matter what the attachment is, a positive/negative attachment, happy/sad attachment, it's still an attachment that is affecting me in the present, if I allow it to.
When and as I see myself not seeing memories as just memories, things that happened in my past, I stop and breathe. I realise that having any sort of attachment to my memories is unhealthy, and within this, realising that it's not to attempt to 'forget' about the memories completely - or attempt to, that would be suppression, but to simply change my starting point and thus my attachment towards the memories that I have, to not allow them to alter my present being within my physical self whatsoever.
When and as I see myself in a situation whereas I see someone from my past and have reactions in any way, shape or form that stop me from talking to the person/wanting to interact with them for any reason, I stop and breathe. I realise that the past is the past, and my desire to avoid someone because of the past is me LIVING IN THE PAST, rather than the PRESENT. I commit myself to live in the present, not the past, thus be able to interact with all people equally, the same as I would with anybody, WITHOUT attachments/influences from the past having any affect on how I treat another in any way, shape or form.