Sunday, 22 March 2015
Day 398 - Wanting to 'appear' stronger than I actually am
I bought a container of coolant for my car today, and it was rather heavy...for me at least. It had a handle as to hold it with one hand, but I found it rather heavy despite the handle. So, I kept switching hands, left/right, right/left, because after about 1 minute on my left hand, it started to pain my hand/arm, thus the alternation between hands. Finally, I decided to hold it close to my chest with both hands.
And it was SO MUCH EASIER. I then realised as I was holding this container of coolant with both hands, I realised that the reason why I wanted to use the handle and use one hand for it, was to sort of 'prove' that I was 'strong'. Lol. And I can safely say that I'm NOT 'strong'. I am only strong within an illusion, if I allow it. But I am not strong. I don't lift weights or anything. I did used to, but haven't for a long time. Anyway, as I was holding this container with both hands, I did in the moment fear judgments from others, thinking/saying that I am 'weak' for needing to use two hands to hold this container, rather than the one hand that 'other' people would use. People that are stronger than me.
It was cool, though..because despite those thoughts, I continued to do what was best for my physical body, that being, using two hands to carry the container. I did not allow judgments, thoughts to manifest and allow that manifestation through struggling to carry the container, and alternating between left/right hands, putting pressure onto my hands in the process/pain. But yeah, I still want to write about this experience, as to be able to do what is BEST for my physical body, and thus not giving into thoughts about how something 'should' be done/what a 'strong' person would do in this instance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as WEAK, because I was using two hands as opposed to one hand to carry the container.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to create/manifest an ILLUSION that I am strong/capable of lifting the container with ONE hand, which in REALITY is FALSE, because I saw that I struggled to lift the container with just ONE hand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not immediately do what is BEST for MY PHYSICAL BODY, within this, NOT comparing myself to other's physical bodies/muscles.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire STRENGTH and to appear STRONG, because I see STRENGTH as one of the most 'vital' attributes that one can have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within advertising/brainwashing as to want to be strong/the strongest person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within what I see is the 'ideal' male, by seeing that the ideal male is STRONG and has muscles/is able to carry most things easily, perhaps with one hand, thus proving that they are strong enough to handle heavy objects with ease.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the ideal person generally as a 'strong' person, as opposed to a person who is ONE AND EQUAL with ALL LIFE, who gives as they'd like to receive, who assists each and every life, who loves/cares unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to lift weights for the sake of building muscles, because of the thinking process within brainwashing that every male MUST be strong/appear as muscly, otherwise be labelled 'weak'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being labelled as 'weak' if I do not have visibly bigg-ish muscles.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I cannot 'attract' a female without having visible muscles of some form.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within advertising/movies of seeing a strong male actor who has muscles/is fit, and seeing them 'get the girl' so to speak, and using those memories as incentive/a need for me to build my own muscles/fitness as to 'get the girl' or get a partner.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that all females 'only' want a male who has large muscles/is very fit, failing to realise that this is only an idea that I believe is true, again, through countless hours viewing movies/reality tv shows/advertising of seeing the 'hunk' get the girl/all the girls.
When and as I see myself IGNORING what my PHYSICAL BODY CAN ACTUALLY DO in terms of what my physical body CAN lift and HOW it can lift items, I stop and breathe. I realise that already by doing this, I am FAILING my physical body and HURTING my physical body through only wanting to APPEAR as strong for instance by carrying objects with one hand, as opposed to two hands. I commit myself to immediately identify how much something that I need to carry weighs, through trial and error/general knowledge of the weight of something, and carry the item/items to their destination in COMFORT and thus not straining/hurting my physical body in any way, shape or form - and of course, to use any form of aid such as a trolley/assistance from others to carry an object, thus only considering what is best for my physical body, and NOT considering the IDEAS that I have of how I should carry something, in terms of looking 'strong' or 'stronger' than I ACTUALLY am.
When and as I see myself participating within past memories of how I view males to be/how they 'should' be - that being, strong, muscly men, who have 6 packs, huge biceps, ripped bodies, and that ALWAYS get the girl/girls, I stop and breathe. I realise that muscles/6 packs/beauty, all of it is based purely on appearance, really - and that none of this actually assists a person within freeing themselves from their MIND, thus birthing themselves as life from the PHYSICAL. I realise that all of these movies, happy endings/advertising - it's all to create the facade that appearance is what GETS ONE TO PLACES IN LIFE, which UNFORTUNATELY is 'true' in a lot of instances, from what we accept and allow to happen. I commit myself to not desire to/want to build muscle as my physical body, as to only justify this by wanting to appear how I see an 'ideal male' to be. I commit myself to continue my process of writing/my journey to life to become the ACTUAL 'ideal male' or really, the ideal PERSON/LIFE generally - the ideal thing of WHAT I SHOULD BE as LIFE. I commit myself to 'build' muscle as my physical body, if I do so, for reasons of actually ASSISTING MYSELF AS LIFE.
When and as I see myself participating within the thinking that females are ONLY attracted to muscles on a male, and nothing else, I stop and breathe. I realise that again, movies/advertising - brainwashing, has led me to believe that muscles truly DEFINE a person, and defines whether a male can attract/get into a relationship with a female, or not. I commit myself to see, realise and understand the facade that movies/advertising use/create, to brainwash myself/others to desire to appear a certain way, for me, 'perfect' through having a muscly body/appearance - which I see, realise and understand is NOT needed for me to 'find' a partner whatsoever, UNLESS I allow that illusion to direct me. I commit myself to move my physical body when in the vicinity of others, as to get to a destination/do whatever it is that I have to/want to do, and to be comfortable in my CURRENT physical body, through accepting IT and thus NOT seeing that my physical body 'needs' 'improvement' through comparison/attraction by another - to thus be able to BE in the current moment within my physical body within each step/breath.