Thursday, 26 March 2015

Day 399 - Avoiding a situation


I worked somewhere for about 3 and a half years, and I basically just stopped showing up for work one time. Or well, a few times, I just stopped showing up for work, resulting in my sacking/being fired. I basically saw it coming. I just couldn't be 'bothered' showing up for work anymore. I didn't want to. And from memory, I was 'struggling' with some things. Ever since I got effectively fired from this job, I've struggled to show my 'face' in this very store that I got fired from. It's because, I feel that I left on 'bad terms'. And like, I've had opportunities where I've actually wanted to enter the store to buy something, but had avoided it on purpose just to avoid seeing anyone 'from my past' that I feel 'resent' me, basically.

So, I fear resentment. More specifically, I resent myself for not showing up for work, for basically being 'missing in action' when I should been IN action/at my job. I know what I did was out of order, I know it was a 'bad move'. I allowed my emotions/feelings to overwhelm me in these instances where I didn't want to go to work/show up. It was especially silly of me to allow myself to do this, because it effectively stopped my flow of income. I only have myself to blame, of course.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent myself for not showing up for work all of those times when I SHOULD have shown up for work, resulting in me getting fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act in the present, as if I cannot 'return' to situations in my past, that I have emotions/feelings towards, and using them as an excuse to avoid a situation in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold a grudge against myself for not showing up to work all of those times, and holding that against myself, allowing it to 'eat at myself' - instead of ACCEPTING what I did and seeing why I did what I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept what I did when deciding to not show up for work/to effectively 'fire myself' and get fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that during this 'difficult' time within my life, within my job, I did not know how to 'treat' the situation/occurrence, and saw 'no way out' other than to basically quit the job through my own doing/actions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold beliefs within myself that everyone that I worked with in the past now 'resent' me and 'hate me' because of what I did, not realising that this is ONLY a belief that I in fact have against myself, resenting myself/hating myself for not showing up for work for no reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold the belief that 'everyone thinks how I think' - thus thinking that all my ex co-workers now resent/hate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for not showing up for work, for having no reason to not show up for work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that "Okay, what I did in the past wasn't cool to do, but I didn't know any better at the time - but, holding onto the moment/memory and using it against myself and to thus stop myself from doing things that I want to do in the present, is suppression."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when seeing the store that I used to work at, immediately participate in backchats within my mind of how everyone in that store that I know now resent/hate me, and that if they see me, they will ignore me/pretend that I don't exist, or insult me for leaving the store abruptly in the first place.

More to follow.

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2 comments:

  1. Awesome share Anthony. Thanks for opening this point up. I remember doing the same when I first started working.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Carrie.
      Interesting how so many patterns/similar experiences exist within each of us, and sharing our blogs shows just that, that we're all/all have been in some similar situations before.

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