Laughter is a really cool thing. Being able to laugh in the moment with self or with another. Obviously, if that laughter is ‘tinged’ with ‘bad’ motives or some sort of evil intent, evil laughter! – then it’s not cool. Forced laughter FEELS unnatural for me, because well, it IS unnatural lol. With someone in particular, I have grown accustomed to their ‘personality’ of being a ‘joker’. A joker, as in, one who cracks a joke very regularly. Now, if I put myself in the shoes of a joker, a person who cracks/tells jokes often, I’d definitely WANT to hear/see another ENJOY the joke, each one of them, to laugh at them – for me, it would be a sort of ‘acceptance’ and would ‘fuel’ the ‘happy’ feeling within myself. And on the other hand, if I saw that another did not laugh at my jokes/found them not funny lol, then I’d probably feel ‘sad’ in a way, and discouraged.
So, that right there is my reasons for forcing this laughter whenever I hear a joke, despite me NOT finding it ‘funny’ – hence it being FORCED. Laughter should REALLY come naturally. And it shouldn’t have to be RUN through one’s mind, and then being like “Hmm, should I laugh at this or not?” Lol. Laughter should be a natural, a physical action/move/moment.
So again, I’m forcing laughter out of myself, because IDEALLY, it’s what I, myself, would like to hear/see. That being, another laughing at my jokes, showing signs of ‘appreciation’ of my jokes, and within this, fuelling the feeling of acceptance/happiness within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire one to show ‘appreciation’ for my jokes, by laughing at them at ALL TIMES, and within this, fuelling a happiness FEELING and a form of ‘acceptance’ within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for something to ‘lift’ myself/my mood, through something/someone external to myself, instead of looking WITHIN MYSELF, NOT for a ‘high’ of sorts, but for the points that I must let go of, as to not ‘need’ or ‘require’ highs of any sort, to just be a stable physical being, within accepting myself, thus not requiring external acceptance whatsoever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect a certain reaction from another, in this case, expecting laughter from another, within this, participating in future projections within my mind of another laughing at my jokes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also ‘force out’ jokes in the presence of another, just for the SAKE of ‘getting a laugh’ from another, again, to fuel energy within myself to thus create ‘happiness’ and ‘acceptance’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the first step to/for ACCEPTANCE, is to ACCEPT MYSELF, because in reality, self-acceptance is ALL I need, NOT external acceptance.
When and as I see myself participating in future projections within my mind of seeing another laughing at my jokes, and through that, fuelling ‘happiness’ and ‘acceptance’ within myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that my desire for ‘happiness’ and ‘acceptance’ is something that effectively, only I can give to MYSELF. Only I can give myself acceptance. Happiness is energy based, thus not necessary. I commit myself to continue looking WITHIN MYSELF and to continue BRINGING POINTS BACK TO MYSELF, as to see what I must work on, as to find acceptance within myself – self-acceptance. I commit myself to give acceptance to myself through writing out ALL points, as this IS the WAY to CHANGE for REAL, and to HAVE that self-acceptance that I require within my life.
To be continued.