Saturday, 4 April 2015

Day 408 - Meeting expectations


The other day, I was doing volunteer work - I was at the cash register. And my manager came to the counter, because they had items to buy. I was processing the items, but I kept fucking things up while processing the items, and then I like, lost count of how much change I had to give back to my manager. It was interesting, because this 'messing up' while processing items/handling of money was not evident with any other 'regular' customers. So, I see that I saw who was buying the items, my manager, and went into a state of PANIC. Like "Fuck, I have to get this shit right!"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a set of expectations within myself of having to do something 'perfectly' otherwise fear that something 'bad' will happen to me, such as getting fired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the ONLY expectations that I am 'desiring' to MEET, are my OWN expectations, NOT the non-existent expectations of my manager.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate my manager from another in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not process a transaction slowly and surely, no matter WHO is buying the items.

When and as I see myself feeling as if I need to 'do something perfectly' to meet another's apparent expectations, I stop and breathe. I realise that the 'expectations' that I am aiming to meet, are self-created expectations within my mind, and within this, allowing this sense of 'pressure' within myself, which then manifests by me fucking up something by rushing it - by NOT slowing down, being in control of the situation. I commit myself to stay ONLY within the moment, within my physical body, to do what I have to do, what I know that I can do, and to just do it - thus not 'feeling' that I need to do something with 'extra class' or 'extra effort' for the sake of THINKING that I need to meet another's 'expectations'.

When and as I see myself seeing my manager as 'in another league' compared to others, I stop and breathe. I realise that the fact that I see my manager as the 'higher up' in comparison to others, is the justification that I allow within myself, to believe that I must then do things 'perfectly' otherwise face potential consequences of not doing things 'perfectly' - when in reality, doing things the way that I always do them, thus not feeling as if I need to do things 'perfectly' or any better than I usually do, is the key to not for instance, fuck something up/making mistakes. I commit myself to see my manager as equal to myself/and all. I commit myself to not through separation, see my manager as someone who is better than me/others. I commit myself to not participate within and as self-created justifications of seeing that I must 'do things perfectly' or 'better than usual' as to 'appear' like I know what I'm doing. I commit myself to do what I always do, no matter who is needing me to do it, whether it be a manager, a customer, or a co-worker.

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