Tuesday, 7 April 2015
Day 410 - Impatience
I had this 'belief' today that while I was serving customers at the cash register, that they were angry at me, and wanted me to be 'faster' at processing their order/products. I've felt this before as well. I see that I mainly feel this way when I'm doing something for another, especially a stranger, and that they are like, 'eyeing' me and that their body language is saying 'HURRY THE HELL UP!' So within this, I see that I've mainly felt this way when dealing with people when working. Because, when working, it's like, well, I fell as if I have to make customers 'wait' at times. I don't feel this way with ALL people, just people that are staring at me while I do something for them/their body language when I am doing something for someone.
Of course, this is a self-belief I have within my mind. The fact that I'm still manifesting a 'pressure' sensation and sort of lose concentration as I'm assisting another, shows that I am still existing within and as this behaviour, myself. So, wanting another to 'be fast' at doing something, and crossing my arms, or having 'closed' body languages, as in, to attempt to show another that I am 'fed up' with them taking so long to do something, and wanting them to in fact be faster at doing it. So, I also see here that I'm impatient.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as impatience towards myself, whereas I don't allow myself to have the time or give myself the time and PATIENCE to do a task - and instead end up rushing a task because of impatience, albeit, self-created impatience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe through moments of impatience/rush, whereas I feel that I must do things fast, in trying to meet another's 'desires' for me to be fast at doing something, when in reality, I'm just participating within and as impatience towards myself/what I do, a self-belief that I believe is thus thought by others towards myself, when it is just a judgment that I have towards myself within my mind, and thus manifesting this judgment as 'impatience' and a 'rush' to do something, instead of breathing/slowing down/LIVING patience within myself/my physical self/body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have this belief that all are 'impatient' with me, and are 'angry' with me for being 'too slow' - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the only one who is judging myself for being 'too slow' is MYSELF, because, I see that I must be faster, otherwise face the wrath of another (myself). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the self-created 'wrath' of myself if I am to be slow/not fast enough when doing/dealing with things within my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-created consequences if I am to not do things fast enough for my OWN liking. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to BELIEVE that 'consequences' will occur if I do not do something fast enough, not realising that any 'consequences' that I fear being done unto myself, are in MY control and MY making/creation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not live patience within every movement that I make/do, and as to not participate within and as this self-created belief within my mind that living within and as patience is a 'bad' thing, because I believe that I must sort of 'rush' through life/my daily tasks, when in reality, rushing brings on manifested mistakes, errors, consequences - when, with patience, I can be SURE of every little thing that I do within my life, and within this sureness, be aware, thus avoid consequence/mistakes.
When and as I see myself living within and as IMPATIENCE, I stop and breathe. I realise that living within and as impatience within every movement that I make, is a really unnecessary 'rushing' of tasks/movements that I make within my life, which I have seen throughout my life, create consequences/mistakes/errors, just for the sake of doing something 'fast' - when in reality, I see now that if I allowed myself to live within and as PATIENCE, I can be one with myself, with my movements/actions, and be able to clearly/physically be at peace with what I am doing within my physical body, slowing down, being there within the moment, not having to be 'mindful' of doing something correctly, because, I am already living within and as patience when doing the task/movement/action at hand slowly/surely, thus accurately, within awareness and within stability. I commit myself to thus live within and as patience ONLY, and to do this by really being AWARE of instances whereas I see that I am 'rushing' to do something, thus when this happens, I STOP, I BREATHE, bring myself back to my physical body, and continue the task/movement within my new found awareness within breath, thus living within and as patience.
When and as I see myself fearing this self-imposed 'wrath' from myself for being 'overly' patient within myself and not being 'quick enough' at doing something, I stop and breathe. I realise that any so called 'wrath' that I fear will overcome me if I am to be 'patient' or 'overly' patient, is just a belief that I allow myself to exist within and as within my mind. Because, I see within my actual physical/practical reality, that the only apparent 'wrath' or more like, consequences that 'appear' are when I do live within and as impatience, because when this happens, I am evidently not within and one with my physical body/my physical movements, because I am participating within this belief whereas I'm doing things faster than my physical body can handle, so my mind is dictating my movements and it is like a catch-up from my physical body, whereas I am rushing and rushing within impatience, attempting to 'keep up' with the pace that I SET within my mind of how fast that I 'want' to do a task, but it's this 'want' of doing something fast within impatience that creates manifested consequences within my physical/practical reality. I commit myself to be the one and only directive physical/practical principle within myself and every single movement that I make, to be one with each physical movement that I make, whether big or small, to thus be in direct control, and be able to be patient, stable within myself. I commit myself to not allow, even for one second, my mind to take hold, to dictate the actions/movements that I make - and to practice STOPPING when I see this happening, BREATHING, to bring myself back within and as my physical body - to BE the one and only directive principle within myself/each movement I make.