Thursday, 9 April 2015

Day 412 - Umm-ing and ahh-ing

This is specifically about using the term 'UM' when speaking/writing. I find it interesting. When someone says "Um" they're usually just thinking up a response. I know that's how I've/when I've used the term "Um". But I'm writing about this to understand whether it's cool to say UM or to not at all. Because, if I'm saying it firstly, to give myself thinking time, then it's not really 'good'. I mean, anytime that one uses thoughts or has to think about something, that is a 'bad' sign as far as I'm aware. Having said that, a few days ago, someone was asking me the location of a certain place. I didn't know for sure where it was. BUT, I had an idea of where it was located. Because, it's in a shopping centre, but this shopping centre has 3 levels, and I was unsure what level it was on. I said "Um.." because I was trying to think/remember where it may be/through also remembering what other stores I have gone to, that were on the same level as this certain place.

So really, the 'um' is just giving myself/another the notice that I need a bit of time to remember something. Because, if another asked me where something was, and I said nothing lol and I just went straight into 'remembrance' mode, then it might be considered 'odd'. So for me, I see 'um' is a momentary placeholder for when I am considering/remembering something, but it is NOT a 'bad' thing to do/say. I was thinking that 'um' means I am participating within thoughts. BUT, what I just realise now is that, if the 'um' is used,, it's used as an excuse to not do something, for instance "Um, no I'm busy" - and that is in answer to going out with someone to somewhere, but it is just an excuse/untrue, because one fears the outing for some reason, then obviously that's not cool. What I'm saying is, that 'Um' in that instance, is like a future projection of how the outing will go with the person, and that can then bring on the 'no I'm busy' part after the 'um'.

SOOO. 'Umm-ing' bides one time. But I see that it depends on the STARTING POINT of the 'um'. If the starting point is to proclaim something/say something within fears/judgments/emotions/feelings, then it's not cool. If it is used for when one needs time to remember something, I see it as fine. Because, I go back to the location of something example. It's not like I have every single location that I've ever been to, locked away within me, and I just know where it all is. Especially if I have only been somewhere once in the last 10 years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the term 'um' in a way that bides me time, as to then proclaim a response to another within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not GENUINELY use the term 'um' as a means of remembering something - as in, accessing my memory as to answer another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the term 'um' as a 'bad' thing, because I saw it as a means of accessing my thoughts within my mind, instead of realising that it all depends on the question towards myself, as to whether I can then give a 'straight' answer/direct answer, or, need time to consider/remember, as to answer another as specifically as possible.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the term 'um' is a good indicator to give to another, that I am in a state of 'remembering' as to answer their question, whereas, if I were to not say 'um' and instead go straight into remembering mode, another may assume that I just don't know the answer/that I'm ignoring them lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the term 'um' and myself using the term 'um' - as myself being 'clueless' as to the answer of something, when in most instances, I was in fact accessing my memory as to answer another/respond correctly to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the term 'um' as a means of delaying my response to another, as to 'pretend' that I'm considering the question, only to respond to the question within judgments/fears/emotion/feelings within my mind.

When and as I see myself using the term 'um' within giving myself time to participate within future projections of something playing out, and using the time to consider within my mind, whether I want to DO the future projection or not, and considering it firstly based on judgments/fears/emotions/feelings within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that my starting point for using the term 'um' should be only used for accessing a memory/memories as to remember something within my life that can assist another. I commit myself to only use the term 'um' when I am needing time to remember something for another/to give another accurate advice/an accurate answer, or as accurate of an answer as I can give to another. I commit myself to NOT use the term 'um' as a justification for delaying an answer to something, all because of future projections of something playing out, and then already by doing that, accessing judgments/fears/emotions/feelings and manifesting those by giving an actual answer to another - an answer shrouded within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings, through a starting point of these things in the first place, and future projections.

When and as I see myself not giving another a direct answer/response, when I KNOW that I can give one a direct answer/response, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's during these times where I must investigate my reasoning for not being able to give one a direct/cool, calm and collected response/answer. And I must investigate why I'm 'hesitating' to give an answer, and within this, practically always using the term 'um' as 'cover up' for then 'creating an answer within my mind' and thus within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings - when again, I know that I CAN in fact answer directly, physically/practically, WITHOUT needing to 'consider' the answer/response within my mind before saying it. I commit myself to answer things that I CAN answer, to another, as in, answering/responding to them without delay/umm-ing/ahh-ing about the answer/response that I give to another, and within this umm-ing and ahh-ing, participating within future projections/thoughts of the answer that I'm going to give to another, and manifesting judgments/fears/emotions/feelings, through 'twisting and turning' my answer as to make it for instance sound 'better' than the PROPER answer/response that I'd ideally in fact give to another - or twisting and turning my answer/response to not do something out of participation within judgments/fears/emotions/feelings.

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