Friday, 17 April 2015
Day 416 - Intimidation
Right now, I am writing to investigate WHY I find 2 particular housemates of mine 'intimidating'. They are a couple. They stay in one room, together, and their room is right next to the bathroom. Every time they are indoors, whether in their room/in the kitchen/bathroom/generally walking around, they are always quite 'loud'. Loud as in, talking loudly, and being generally 'noisy'. They also don't 'sit still' most of the time - always walking around the house/going in and out of the house, clashing pots and pans in the kitchen, spending a lot of time in the kitchen.
And I find myself feeling this intimidation feeling manifest from within my mind when they're in the house/or rather, when I KNOW they are in the house. Like, I don't even want to go to the bathroom/kitchen when they are here. I see that I fear that they will have to use the bathroom/kitchen while I am still using it, and thus have this future projection of them needing to use the facilities that I am using. And I have this desire to 'not get in their way' sort of thing. It's interesting.
It's the loudness thing as far as I'm aware. Because, when I see other housemates of mine, that for instance...are generally 'quiet' and just go about their day so to speak, I find myself more 'comfortable' within that sort of 'quiet' environment, for sure. Yes, so that is it. I'm intimated by 'loud people'. Just, general loud people, loud things, loud happenings. Of course, I have to understand that I am in a share house, all sorts/types of people are going to live in the house/may move into the house. That facet is not under my control, and within that, just because I 'prefer' quiet natured people so to speak, does not mean that I can't 'co-exist' with 'loud' natured people.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'intimated' within my mind when and as I hear 'loud' people and people being generally 'loud'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my mind, perceive 'loudness' by people as some sort of 'threat' to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within separation within my mind in terms of seeing quiet and loud people as DIFFERENT.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand different people's nature/why they might act 'differently' to how I might act for instance.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief within my mind that loudness > quietness - and that loudness has right of way so to speak, as in, loudness dominates over quietness, thus feeling within myself that these 'loud' people are more than me/better than me, as I am generally a 'quiet' person.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use people's nature against them, that is, their nature of being loud/quiet.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in 'hatred' within my mind towards the people that I find intimidating within my mind, through me finding the 'loudness' irritating/intimidating.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define people through either loud/quiet within their nature, failing to take into consideration how they move/their actions/motives, what they actually DO within their lives.
When and as I see myself perceiving 'loudness' as 'intimidating' within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that 'loudness' is just the apparent nature of one, and does NOT mean they are a 'bad' person as I belief within my mind. I realise that I've just grown accustomed to myself within a 'quiet' nature/myself being a quiet natured person generally, and thus I have 'ill' feelings towards the opposite polarity of 'loudness' and thus see it as 'going against the norm' when seeing/hearing loudness within my vicinity, feeling disoriented within myself when hearing this loudness. I commit myself to break this habit within and as my physical body, to thus be able to accept 'loudness' - because, there are so many people in the world/so much life in the world, and each life has their own unique nature, and thus, I CANNOT control one's nature, nor do I want to - it is just WHO they are in the given moment - I thus commit myself to accept each one's nature, whether it be loud/quiet, and to see, realise and understand that their nature relation as loudness/quietness does NOT define them as a person or the actions that they take within their lives.
When and as I see myself participating in this 'hatred' emotion within my mind, towards 'loudness' - I stop and breathe. I realise that, because I am not 'used to' loudness, I see it as a surprise and within myself I feel disillusioned towards the loudness. I commit myself to not hold any grudges within my mind towards 'loudness' - and I commit myself to see, realise and understand that the world contains all types so to speak, and not all are going to 'conform' to MY personal nature/preference - that is impossible. I commit myself to thus accept each one for who they are, no matter what they are/how they are, because anything less, is separation/inequality. It is imperative for myself as life, to see each as my equal, no matter whether they are generally loud or quiet people, it takes all types.
When and as I see myself believing that 'loudness' is more than/better than 'quietness' within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that 'loudness' does NOT equate to one/something being 'better' or 'more than' another/something, this is just a belief I have within my mind that I've allowed myself to live/exist as and within. For instance, I realise that a person under intoxication will generally be LOUD, because they are totally hounded by their mind, they are lost within their physical bodies so to speak, and thus they have LOST total control of their physical bodies and thus will say/act on 'impulse' without a physical direction/self/body leading them/showing them the way. I commit myself to see, realise and understand thus, that loudness does not equate to being better/more than quietness. I commit myself to live within the moment at all times. I commit myself to do what is best for all in the moment at all times, and within this, seeing, realising and understanding if that means to be quiet or loud in the given moment. I commit myself to accept loudness/quietness as equals, as well as the life within these parameters.