Monday, 20 April 2015
Day 417 - Who am I impressing?
Sometimes I'm in these situations whereas I BELIEF that women are 'interested' in me, and when I participate within this belief, I feel myself engage into this 'personality' within my mind of attempting to 'act cool' lol. And now that I write this, I see that I dislike putting on this supposed 'cool' personality. 1: It takes a lot out of me so to speak, because I can instantly see that I'm not HERE/being my physical self, and I'm not being my 'usual' self if I were for instance with people who I had no 'beliefs' about. 2: I'm participating as a programmed being, attempting to 'impress' members of the opposite gender. SHIT. That is what basically everyone fucking does in one way or another. Programmed to in the end, fuck eachother.
So first of all, I see that I have to let go of these beliefs that I have, of women 'supposedly' showing me that they're 'keen' so to speak, because that is all bullshit, some belief that I've created within myself of WANTING this attention, that 'feel-good' sensation, energy, positivity. I'm clearly still relying on these energy charged beliefs, as to manifest a bullshit feel-good feeling within and as myself, which yes, as I've seen, dissipates after the woman has left my vicinity lol.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as these self-created beliefs that women sometimes are showing me 'signs' that they're interested in me sexually.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to feel positive energy within myself, through having these BELIEFS that women are showing interest in me, which I 'think' means I have 'succeeded' in life so to speak, because I belief that I 'look good'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate as a mind-fucking-demon who only has one thing in mind, sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have to put on this 'cool' approach through myself infront of certain people/certain behaviours, not realising that this goes to show that I am NOT 'comfortable' and 'stable' as my physical self/body here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to participate within the pre-programmed game of sex.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress who I 'really' am, through putting on this bullshit fake personality within my mind, trying to be 'something' and 'someone' that I'm not and/or who still gives into the usual pre-programming within society.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I need another's 'interest' within myself, to then feel 'good' about myself/who I am as a person, which is in fact separation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that I am the one and only directive principle within and as myself, and thus only I can make myself 'feel good' or rather, make myself a stable being within and as my physical body.
When and as I see myself participating within and as beliefs that women are giving me 'signs' that they're interested in me sexually, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm perceiving this supposed 'interest' in myself through what I believe it means to show another that they're 'interested'. Within this, I realise that I've created these beliefs of apparent 'interest' as a way/means of making myself 'feel something' - that being, a positive energetic experience within acceptance. I commit myself to STOP playing the game, the game that leads to fucking one another. I commit myself to not participate within the pre-programmed game that all humans act upon, within manifestations of flirting/body movements etc - and to instead be here, within my physical self, within the physical moment, not playing these little mind-games with others and/or within self-created beliefs.
When and as I see myself feeling the need to show a supposed 'cool' side of me/who I am, I stop and breathe. I realise the fact that I still feel this need to show myself in a different light so to speak, shows that I am still not a stable physical being/a comfortable being within my physical skin/body - it shows that I'm living within and as separation. I commit myself to be a stable being at all times and in all moments. I commit myself to be ONE person, one entity, and one physical body. I commit myself to not be a mind-fucking-demon who is on the 'lookout' for bullshit 'signs' that are beliefs, and within this, attempting to 'flirt' with others, myself, in hopes of 'getting some' so to speak.
When and as I see myself looking for 'validation' within another/externally, I stop and breathe. I realise that NOTHING can give me 'validation' EXCEPT for ME. I commit myself to live validation, through showing the changed being that I am, to show who I now am, as opposed to the past. I commit myself to be/walk as a valid physical body.
When and as I see myself feeling the need to participate within and as these beliefs/mind-games within sex/lead ups to sex to show that I am 'normal' - I stop and breathe. I realise the necessity here of 'going against the flow' - because I am in fact 'not' 'normal' in the normal sense. My beliefs of what are 'normal' all equate to what I was as a pre-programmed being, and thus 'being normal' means to be a programmed being, participating within and as a programmed world - which is what I stand AGAINST. Thus, I commit myself to not participate within beliefs/mind games regarding sex/leads up to sex to show others (myself) that I am 'normal' - because I've accepted and allowed myself to define 'normal' as mind-fucking one another to get something/somewhere.