Friday, 8 May 2015

Day 424 - Fearing the 'spotlight'

As I was conversing with another today, I saw I was 'okay' when asking another questions - but, when it came to being asked questions, I felt like the spotlight had turned onto me - and I somewhat crumbled under this apparent spotlight-like pressure. I also see now how this is why I feel much more comfortable asking another questions, rather than saying something, like a statement. I can't rely on questions purely or questions moreso, to be able to converse with others. I see that a balance is needed - questions/statements.

And I see that I have to let go of this 'apparent' or more like, self-created pressure-feeling when answering another's questions/making statements. I mean, I see that with questions, it's like, well, I don't have to say much, and also I see here that it's like "Okay, I've come up with the question, I've now turned the spotlight onto YOU." Almost like it's a game of sorts. Like WHAT THE FUCK. What a stupid game ha. Conversing is NOT a game. It's not a competition. It's to build things, relationships, to learn things, to gain things, to grow. It's not about saying more or less than another - that is not how conversation assists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply a self-created spotlight during conversations, whereas I see that the one asking questions is the spotlight-operator, whilst the person answering has the spotlight and PRESSURE on them - which is but a belief I have within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stick almost solely to QUESTIONS only when conversing with another, based purely on a fear of being in the spotlight by making statements or answering another's questions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be one within and as equal-based conversations, through being able to question and answer/make statements - thus having a balance.

Something I also see as a reason for why I don't like making statements/answering one's questions, is because I see that I'm not 'engaging' enough to keep another interested in what I have to say. I see that this is yeah, why I try to make my statements/answers short, so the other person doesn't have to 'endure' my UN-engaging statements/answers.

I'll write about the above in my next blog entry..

When and as I see myself during the act of conversing with another, place a self-created spotlight onto either myself, or others that I'm talking to - I stop and  breathe. I realise that conversation is not a game, it's not a competition. It's the act, the benefit of growth, of learning and of building relationships. Thus, I commit myself to DITCH the self-created spotlight that I carry when conversing with others, and I commit myself to make statements towards others, AND to question others, but NOT to 'think' about what I'm doing more, and/or asking more questions based purely on any 'spotlight' that I hold.

I commit myself to allow conversation to flowwwww naturally. To literally just let it happen, physically/practically. To not participate within any thoughts that appear within my mind, to not allow thoughts to define what I do/do not say/how I act/do not act. I commit myself to speak how I see fit. I commit myself to speak how I see fit pertaining to the conversation at hand.

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