Friday, 8 May 2015

Day 425 - Not engaging enough

Following on from yesterday's blog, I see that another reason as to why I dislike answering another's questions/making statements, is because I fear that when I talk, I'm not engaging enough and within this, not interesting enough. And I fear that myself not being engaging enough/not interesting enough, will make people not want to talk to me.

So, what do I see as engaging conversation/interesting conversation? Apart from the obvious, being the topic that people discuss - I see the tone. The tone of the voice. And I see my own voice tone as being...'plain' I suppose. Like, I see that usually, I stick to one tone of voice during conversation with others. But for me, I see this as a stability point. I see that the more 'stable' I become within and as myself, like, it's the need to NOT have to for instance, raise my voice, things like that. Or put any 'effects' onto my voice when and as I say something.

And of course, I see now that emotions/feelings made my voice come out in different tones. Like, an angry tone would be more loud for me, and more 'aggressive'. And also within that, my face would change, it would strain to show anger/aggression.

So I actually see it as cool to be able to have ONE voice/ONE tone. It doesn't mean I must stick to absolutely one tone/voice for life. I'm just saying for the most part, generally - I see it as cool within stability to be able to stick to a singular tone. And I see that it really does show stability within oneself, because it's like, whatever situation arises for whatever reason, one is able to remain CALM, and able to within this, remain stable, no matter what obstacle will arise - I see that as cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not engaging enough/not interesting enough when conversing with others, based on the tone of my voice staying the same/similar at all times.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must alter my voice tone to highs and lows to keep another engaged/interested in what I have to say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that within living stability, a singular tone/voice has become apparent within myself, and to also see, realise and understand thus that I am able to remain calm/stable and show this through speaking the same tone, through NOT needing to raise my voice within ANGER, or other emotions/feelings. So I see that stability equates to having a singular voice tone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/hear others using different voice tonalities, perhaps in an apparent move to engage/interest others, and desire to 'copy' this behaviour purely as a means of wanting to do the same, to engage/interest others through constant changing of my voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate conversations with others, through participating within a self-created dilemma of whether I should change my voice tonality or not, instead of allowing my self-expression/natural expression to show within how I act/what I say/how I say it - within a stable framework.

When and as I see myself judging my voice tonality as not engaging enough/not interesting enough to be able to hold conversation/engage/interest another, I stop and breathe. I realise that I was ONLY born with ONE voice. Sure, it may have gotten deeper with age/changed due to various matters, and due to emotions/feelings that I participated in, but generally, I've had but ONE voice tone my whole life. And I realise that throughout my life, emotions/feelings have impacted the tonality of my voice, to make it appear in highs/lows and so on, and I believe these apparent changes of my voice tonality to be engaging/interesting. I commit myself to not desire to use emotions/feelings purely to desire to engage/interest others through showing a different voice tonality. I commit myself to stop the belief within myself that voice tonality alteration is NECESSARY/MANDATORY to engage/interest others, instead of seeing, realising and understand that within stability, I am in fact ABLE to live/show stability through sticking to ONE tone for the most part, because within this, I don't see/feel the need to alter my tone from the starting point of emotions/feelings and thoughts.

I commit myself to use my stable/natural voice tone when conversing with others. I commit myself to remain a calm/stable life. 

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