Monday, 18 May 2015

Day 432 - I can't hear myself talk!


I went to a pub on the weekend, mainly to see a band. I hadn't been to a pub in a long time/or seen a band, so I was looking forward to seeing some live music. I got there and it was quite crowded. I was speaking to some people that I knew, and I could barely hear myself talking to them, and within this, could barely hear others talking to me. I got frustrated. I want to be able to communicate effectively/with clarity at ALL times. And all this banter/noise was not allowing me to do so. Even more than ever though, I saw that I really disliked being in this position. I wanted to communicate with others, and this environment was making it almost impossible to do so.

AND THEN the band started playing, and it was SO LOUD. I see that this could also be because I'm more aware of everything within my practical environment than I ever used to be. It was so loud lol. I was actually in another room when the band started playing and even then, it was very loud. Then I went to join some people about...10 metres infront of the band - WOAH. My ears/head fucking killed! I could only sustain 20 minutes of it. Actually, I really should have left earlier. I shouldn't have put my physical body/senses through that audio onslaught.

Anyway - I want to write about here WHO or WHAT I was frustrated at when I saw that I could not hear myself talk. I was frustrated towards the people. The people talking, and the people who were playing the music in the background. I saw that if it was up to me, the place would be silent lol, or perhaps just very low-level music. But, it's for me to realise that a pub does not usually assume a silence. It is usually a fairly loud and 'alive' place. Same as clubs - which I do not want to attend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as frustration towards people talking and people operating the pub/the music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a silent place/a quiet place - when in reality, I knew what I was in for when I decided to go to a pub.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to yell in another's ear to assist in them hearing what I had to say - failing to realise that the fact that I had to resort to yelling directly in another's ear, proves that REALLY, this place was NOT ideal for communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within self-interest, when and as I saw myself desiring only myself and the people I knew to be at the pub, and thus reducing the noise that random people were making - thus being able to perhaps hear myself talk/hear others talk and be able to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility for my failure to see/understand the environment of the pub and what it entails in terms of noise volume.

When and as I see myself acting within self-interest by desiring only the people I KNOW to be at the pub, thus reducing noise levels, I stop and breathe. I realise that this desire of only wanting people that I know in the pub, is not what is best for all - it is purely an act of self-interest and thus it is not supportive for anyone. I commit myself to see that all would have had this 'issue' of not being able to hear themselves talk/others talk - it is NOT just my issue, it is a 'general' issue - and it is an 'issue' that one/I must foresee within attending a pub.

When and as I see myself participating within frustration towards others talking/people who run the pub, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's vital for all, including myself, to at least know the basics of what to expect when attending a pub - and that is usually music, and people. Put them together and one gets NOISE. Obviously noise levels depend on the amount of people and so on, so can't be pinpoint in terms of the exact amount of noise to expect. But within this, I commit myself to expect the unexpected, and to expect the expected - to at least expect some degree of noise/sound, and thus within this, to make a decision beforehand on whether I want to attend an event at a place where I know/have a good idea that sound/noise will be present in some degree.

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