Wednesday, 20 May 2015
Day 433 - Obligation
Doing something because I believe it's the 'right thing to do'. 2 Instances have recently occurred that can relate to what I believe should be an obligation to do. 1: Going somewhere to see others. I believe that it is my obligation to spend as much time with others as possible. Within this, I believe that it is not cool for me to 'end the night early' by uh, cutting the night short..more on that later. And 2: Actually, this isn't as recent, but recent enough - I got a particular book for my Birthday, a 'self-help' sort of book. About uh, making one's energies flow positively, as opposed to negatively. Okay, at the time I was 'interested' in the book. Okay, that is not true lol. But what I mean is, I ACTED as if I were. I mean, I wasn't going to receive the book and be like "Uhh, no thanks. I already know how 'energy' exists within and as me, I don't need some bullshit positive thinking energy book, thanks."
So self-honestly, I appreciated the gesture of the book. I said to the people who got me the book that I'd read it. I read some of it. And it was somewhat interesting, but not something I see that I'd get 'anything' from, really. I did recently get asked by the people who got me this book, whether I'd read it as of yet - I said I'd read some of it, and I found it interesting. I also said that I'd read more to be able to understand the book more. I'm not going to read the book more - I've read enough lol. I mean, in this instance, is it my obligation to read the whole book? No, it's not. If it's something that I see will not assist me/I'm just not interested in it, then why would I read it? Well, I FEEL/BELIEVE that I should read it, because it was a GIFT.
And within this, I believe it to be 'rude' to just..not read it. But I realise now, that it's best for me to be honest about it. Like, yes, I read the book, but unfortunately, it was not something that I saw as helpful to me, BUT, I appreciate the gesture/consideration of the book/gift - that is something cool that I can say. And I will say that when I see these people next. Otherwise, they may/may not, I don't know for sure - but they may still be expecting something from me/more information from me in regards to the teachings of the book - when I've already made a DECISION to NOT read the book anymore.
OKAY. I've focused on that example only, really - the other one that I started writing out was about cutting my night short. I believed that because I told others that I'd meet them somewhere, that it was only 'right' for me to stay out with them as long as possible, or, for a long-ish time at least. And I would have, BUT, within this outing, the live band that was playing was far too loud for my physical body. I say this, because my ears were hurting a lot, as was my head. I couldn't stand being at this place for long - so I left. Through this, I see that I have to look at my starting point of going to this place, where music was expected - and to see whether that is something I want to be apart of or not. But also, I see within this instance, despite me telling others I'd hang out with them and all, if it means to damage my physical body, then fuck that! I'm not going to pretend to enjoy my night for the sake of it, and just allow damage to be done unto myself - that is not cool, that is suppression! I stayed at this place for longer that I should have, really, despite me leaving fairly early.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach all these 'strings' within beliefs to what an obligation is and entails.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what is best for myself/best for all, just to remain focused upon doing the obligation that I believe within my mind to be best.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within what I believe is 'morally' right/not right to do, and within this, manifest these rights/wrongs within obligation to do something that I believe is okay/not okay to do, even though it may/may not be what is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my starting point for doing something, to then be able to make an informed/aware decision to do something/not do something based upon the outcome of the decision that I make - so that I don't have to be in this position of 'feeling' the need to do something/not do something when it happens.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow 'being nice' to exist within and as me, by doing something just to 'appear nice' - despite it being suppression in reality, as it is not something that is best for all.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest obligations within and as myself, by telling someone that I'm going to do something, which causes them to expect something from me, all because I SAID I'd do something, despite me not wanting to/not going to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not say what I REALLY want to/don't want to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just always want to do the 'kind' thing within manifesting an action/word, to 'please' another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one just wants to hear something 'kind' as opposed to the TRUTH/what is real/what is fact, reality and practical.
When and as I see myself wanting/needing to make a decision based on what another says to me, and unsure what my decision 'should' be, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's vital for me to take the time and be aware as to make a decision that benefits all. I realise that to make a decision hastily will not assist anything. And so, I commit myself to after deliberation, make a decision that I can STAND BY, and that I can LIVE - and within this, as to not get myself into a situation that I didn't actually want to be in, so - I commit myself to make sure that what I manifest in words/actions is something that is real/beneficial for all - to stick by that decision.
When and as I see myself in the process of wanting/needing to make a decision based on what another says to me, and I desire to do something that is exclusively what I perceive to be what is 'kind' to another, I stop and breathe. I realise that to only do/make a decision based on what is 'kind' or what pleases another, is bullshit, because it's not real. I realise also that if I'm making a decision that is just based on pleasing another/being kind to another, and what I say is going to come back and haunt me/another, then the act of doing something to be kind/please another was obviously the incorrect move to make. So again, I commit myself to look at all dimensions as to make an informed decision, and within this, to be able to attain obligations that I created based upon what I say/do - it all starts with myself, what I do/say, so it's vital for me to be able to live/stick to my actions/words, and to thus avoid consequences/issues in future in regards to the decisions that I make.