Thursday, 21 May 2015

Day 435 - Can they hear what I'm doing?


I've been working with this 'uncomfortable' energy, and I felt it again last night, albeit in a totally different context. I was working on my DIP Pro Assignment, and it was going well, I was getting into it and all, and then I sort of froze, like, I lost concentration, and I couldn't continue my assignment. This happened when I heard someone outside of the door to my room. They were sitting on the couch I suspect. They weren't being loud or obnoxious or anything, but just their presence - it made me feel uncomfortable. Lol this sounds weird to me, a lot of my writings sound weird/bizzare to me, but they are points that effect me nonetheless, so I must write them out.

Anyway as I said, I couldn't continue my Assignment, even though I wanted to - it was like "Okay, now that someone is basically outside of my door and can HEAR what I'm doing...I don't want to do it anymore." That is basically how I felt. It sort of brings me back to another writing I did in the past, which was about making my presence known. It's like, I feel like I have to be quiet for the most part, to not interfere perhaps, to not irritate others..

Something like that. But I did realise that it was only things that I did, like, typing, talking. Because, when I went to play loud-ish music last night, it didn't phase me really, as to whether someone was outside of my door or not. So I don't mind other means of sound, just when they come from ME. Okayyy, I'm seeing now that I'm judging my own behavioural mannerisms. The way I am. Hmm, but what specifically..? Lol hmm, I actually am judging myself for being TOO QUIET. That is interesting. So I feel like I should be quiet in the vicinity/presence of others, even though they're not in eyesight, BUT..I am judging myself for being TOO quiet. Lol yes..I'm just remembering back to last night, and I was trying to make my presence known somewhat by perhaps coughing more than I would (I've been ill as of late). Lol. It's funny writing about it.

I have to let go of these judgments. I mean, there is no specific level of volume that I have to abide to, unless obviously it is out of respect for others. But if I'm doing something as simple and quiet as TYPING on my laptop, then what the fuck!? Lol there's no big deal with that. I mean, that task in itself requires and well, IS a quiet task - that is the truth. Others, I see that they are more 'vocal' a lot of the time, even when in their rooms. That could be because, well, I'd say because they are talking to others, either in the same room, or via phone/Skype etc. But that is THEIR prerogative. Yes, I'm definitely comparing myself to these individuals.

If I am typing, for the most part, I am most likely just typing with my fingers. I'm not speaking/using my voice - that is just the way it is! Basic. I don't have to be using my voice 24/7 just because others might do so.

Alright..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for/as being 'too' quiet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my behaviour/mannerisms to others, and within this, seeing myself as 'unusual' within belief, and seeing others within belief that are constantly talking and/or loud as 'usual'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within judgment of myself of being 'too' quiet, purposely make noise/sounds for the SAKE of letting another know that I can be/am loud within attempting to 'be' like others who I belief are 'normal' by talking more/being more noisy/louder than I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach positive energies to talking lots/being loud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach negative energies to being quiet/not talking much/making much noise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others find me 'weird' for being quiet whilst in my room/by myself, when in reality this is but a judgment/belief within my mind that I have of myself.

I also see how I am attaching myself being quiet/not talking as indication that I am a loner, and I have feared this tag/label before, and I see that I still do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a loner, because I keep quiet for the most part, don't make much noise and don't talk lots whilst in the comfort of my own room.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach negative energies/stigmas to enjoying time spent alone with myself, and doing my own things/quiet things such as typing this blog/working on my DIP Pro Assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the 'loner' tag as myself, but to accept WITHOUT the prerequisites/negative energies/stigmas that the label brings/is to society.
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that it doesn't matter how another sees me, whether they do/do not see me as a loner or not, and what stigmas or not they have towards what a loner is/is not - it ONLY matters as to how I see MYSELF - and so stopping the negative connotations that I have within my mind of what a 'loner' is, is key for me to stop judgments towards myself of what I in fact enjoy doing, being alone, not exclusively, but I do enjoy it - whilst others may/may not agree, that is their prerogative.

When and as I see myself fearing how another perceives me in relation to whether I am a 'loner' or not, I stop and breathe. I realise that this fear only indicates that I fear the negative connotations within energies that I've associated with the term 'loner' and within this, judging myself negatively because of these negative connotations that I've attached to what a 'loner' is. So, I commit myself to within and for myself, through seeing enjoyment with self, and what I've learnt, to live the 'loner' life style so to speak, not exclusively, but to enjoy it, as in, enjoying the time that I spend with myself, being able to blog in peace and quiet, with myself, my own company - to enjoy learning about myself, growing, sharing with others through blogging - within this all, I commit myself to not see these fundamental changes as negative, because they are necessary changes. Within this, I commit myself to also apply these lack of negative energies towards other things that I do/enjoy doing alone, like watching a tv show for instance - so, I commit myself to not see time spent alone/with self as a negative thing, as a bad thing - all these things can assist me within life, and I have to 'enjoy' life as well.

I commit myself to not be ashamed of being quiet. I commit myself to simply do what has to be done, what I want to do, what I enjoy doing, and to DO IT - without fearing how much sound I make/do not make, UNLESS obviously as I said, in relation to respecting others, as in...how loud something can/can't be as to not disturb others - that there is a consideration of what is best for all life. I commit myself to just DO. I commit myself to do/take the physical/practical actions/movements, without participating within my mind, and fearing the amount of noise I do/do not make - that is unnecessary.

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