Monday, 25 May 2015

Day 437 - Jealous of charm

Today I felt a jealous sense of energy towards another male. I was jealous of his charming demeanor. Hmm. The more I think about it, I was jealous of his laugh. Lol. He laughed quite often when talking to another. Through that, I believed that he was an easy-going person. And a real chilled out/laid back person, which I admire. He wasn't someone who was angry/annoyed, or stressed (in this moment of time at least). But the laugh that occurred quite often was..infectious, now that I see it/remember it.

But despite this 'infection' - it was an element of him that I became jealous at. I've written about laughter before, but what I previously wrote about..was.....basically, forcing myself to laugh, even though it was something, something that someone said for instance, that I did not in fact find funny. So I wrote about how/why I forced laughter. Actually, interesting thing - now that I remember and keep remembering this situation between this person and others who he was conversing with, I see that perhaps HE was forcing laughter. I don't know for sure, and I can't know for sure. I just don't know.

Whether he was forcing laughter or not, I still reacted within jealousy. I do see laughter as a cool thing. The saying is that laughter is the best medicine lol. I think that applies. Obviously not in curing some disease.....just for the 'small' moments perhaps, laughter can make another 'feel' good. Physical laughter though. Physical laughter is the good laughter. Anyway - I saw that I did not laugh nearly as much as this person was. And I saw within myself that I WANTED to laugh as much as this person was laughing.

But whatever..
Each person finds something funny/not funny, it varies by each physical body. One person that finds something funny, another might not find funny at all lol, you just never know. Actually..yeah, earlier I said laughter can make one 'feel' good. This goes to show that I still must work on laughter. Laughter shouldn't make anyone 'feel' good. I mean, if one is feeling 'down' and hears a joke, and laughs, and it makes them feel better - then the laughter is just suppression isn't it? One hasn't/isn't investigating why one was feeling 'down' in the first place.

That reminds me of what I used to do. If I felt depressed/down at some stage, I'd basically jump into bed, put the tv on - and watch hours and hours of 'funny' tv shows. SOOOO, instead of facing the point directly/head on, the point that made me feel depressed/down that is, I suppressed the point by jumping into bed and using these funny tv shows to 'make' myself feel better. That's not cool! I was relying on external things to make self feel better. And it was suppression. Baaaaaaaad.

Umm. So yes. Now I see. When seeing this person laughing constantly, I thought to myself "Jee, that person must be happy and feel good a lot of the time/all the time!" - I thought this because he laughed a lot, and seemed like a jolly person! That jolliness could only be suppression. But either way, I desired that laughter within myself. I thought "If I was laughing that much/constantly, I bet that I would feel happy all of the time!" And within this, I thought that I should just laugh all the time lol. When conversing with another, just laugh. Unless it's serious news/serious topics whereas laughter will not fit..

Or, I could even think up 'funny' things for the SAKE of laughing. Nooooooooooo. Not good. Not cool. Laughter should only be a physical expression. Nothing more, nothing less. I've attached all of this 'meaning' to laughter. Including believing that laughter can make me feel better about things/make me 'forget my worries. Make everything OKAY. No-kay. Not true. In fact, I am sure that a lot of people use laughter as a disguise..
To hide one's problems and issues. I know I have before.

Tomorrow I'll write about meanings/definitions of laughter and what I believed/believe it to be/mean - self-forgiveness/realisations/commitment statements.

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