Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Day 451 - The desire to look older


I've written about this in the past, but see that there are more dimensions to it. Why do I want to look older? I suppose I believe that looking older and/or being older GENERALLY signifies MATURITY. As I write that, I see that this is DEFINITELY not always the case, but for the most part, I believe it to be the case. Maturity, what is maturity?

Definition.
the state, fact, or period of being mature.

Mature Definition.
fully developed physically; full-grown.

(especially of a young person) having reached a stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

used euphemistically to describe someone middle-aged or old.

Fully developed physically; full-grown, check.
Having reached a stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult? Well, this can be scratched. Adults learn how to suppress feelings/emotions, rather than children for instance who just let it all out so to speak.

So, maturity, mature. There is nothing that says that 'I am not mature'. Well, not by definition. My mind on the other hand IS telling me that I am not mature, that I am immature, the beliefs.

If I look at my own belief of maturity/being mature, it's being accomplished somewhat, it's being focused upon one's job for instance, one's career, and at the same time as these things, it's DELETING for the most part, that 'fun' side of one, it's an admittance that because of my adult age, I can no longer enjoy myself, I can no longer have fun, I MUST be serious within just about every facet of my life.
Come on, fuck that! But shit, yes. This is very true from what I see within myself. Even growing up, I used to hesitate, like.. "Shit, I'm nearly 19, my 'fun' years/times are ahead of me." Or, "Now that I'm nearly 19, I have to change who I am/what I am/how I present myself, for myself and everyone, I have to focus on my career, on money, on succeeding, otherwise I am a failure in life."

Shittttt. Pretty crazy reading this back and seeing how much pressure I put upon myself! All through this mind participation, the beliefs, the fears, wow. I wasn't in the moment, in the here, in the now. I was preoccupied with all of this shit, thinking I Must act this way, or that way. Fearing how others see me at this age. Being disappointed that I can no longer have 'fun' or enjoy myself. Christ, There is NO age that one MUST stop having fun, that one must stop enjoying oneself. Obviously, the job, the money, that is mandatory for survival, that comes first, but to delete the fun/the joy/the enjoyment from my life purely to put EVERY ONE OF MY RESOURCES into my career, my job, the money I earn, that is just being OF the system. That is basically how people in society act/are. I see people on trains, they are depressed, they are half asleep for goodness sake, they are  applying their make-up to look this way or that way. MOST of them are just forcing themselves to go to work. And I see that it becomes such a huge part of their life, that they don't know otherwise, they forgot how to enjoy themselves/how to have fun, they forget how to LIVE.

It's really disappointing what we've allowed ourselves to exist within and as. All are responsible, whether we like it/accept it or not.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll continue with this.

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