Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Day 456 - Who I am in competition

I've noticed these similar patterns coming up when I am 'locked in battle' against another when playing table tennis. I just played again now, and I definitely see myself 'acting' different dependent on the scoreboard. We play scored matches. No prize money or anything lol, but just scoring. When I am winning and/or the score is close, I feel much more 'relaxed' and HERE. And I feel more loose and feel that I'm able to play better, like nothing is holding me back/stopping me from playing how I 'want to' play. Whereas, when I am losing by lots, I portray this character of 'giving up' and also a character of 'not caring'.

Ideally, I want to be that person, that portrayal that is ALWAYS relaxed/loose and thus able to play to how I know I can play/want to play. That freedom to play, to take risks when playing shots and such. I see that the reason for 'not caring' and 'giving up' when losing by lots on the scoreboard, is me trying to show my opponent that I am not taking this seriously, that it's 'just' a game. Also, during this feeling and during the game itself, no matter the score, this particular opponent, I see that they are really trying to play well, to win, and participate within and as anguish when they miss a shot/are losing.

And that is how I used to be as well if I were losing/miss shots. Be angry, be annoyed etc. So, I see that I've overcome THAT state, but have entered a new state of 'not caring' and 'giving up' - sort of as an EXCUSE as to why I am missing shots/losing when it comes to the scoreboard. Lol. So, it's like, no matter the score, my EXCUSE is that 'I am not trying'. Or, my excuse is that 'I don't care' and/or 'I give up'. Or, 'it's just a game.'

So this perception change is something that I really dislike, because it also affects my own enjoyment of the game. It SHOULD be enjoyable, definitely. Yes, it's a game, yes we're scoring, yes there will be a winner/loser in the technical sense, but my personal starting point of it is ENJOYMENT. It's when I get into the excuses and such, that is when I don't put 'my all' into the game, into each shot that I make, and THAT is when I end up missing shots and losing lol. And within that, it's almost like 'I just want this to be over.' Not a cool attitude to have! Enjoyment changing to I WANT THIS TO BE OVER dependent purely on the scoreboard and whether I am winning or not.

More to come.

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