Thursday, 6 August 2015

Day 467 - Jealousy

This is basically only in relation to others that are my age/around my age, I have a jealousy reaction within and as myself, if for instance, I see that they 'look' 'popular'. Or, if I see that yes..they're popular, but popular with women. Also, I see that I become this 'jealous' personality within my mind when I see the 'confidence' this other male shows. If I look at the 'popularity' personality, and why I am envious of it, usually one is popular/visibly popular, because they exude confidence. But also, that confidence can have a foundation of ego. Confidence and ego can just feed off eachother.

Whether one is exuding this ego/confidence style is not important to me/for me. Either way, I'm reacting to this confidence/popularity of males my age/in the vicinity of my age. I also see that as I've grown up, for me at least, it's always been about 'how many women one has' or...'how one speaks/interacts with women' like, that is seen as a guideline of how 'cool' and/or 'popular' one is. That is just for me though, like, seeing and living these behaviours in school for instance. School is the main place, really, for all these programs to come up. And then one in that scenario, mind intact, just places people in different groups/categories, I know I have, and I know others have done the same to me. And then of course one sees who is popular, who is confident, who can talk to women comfortably, who can ahem 'pick up' women effortlessly. These were all seen as 'good' attributes within school/as growing up.

So, when I see this behaviour and these personalities these days, I participate within memories of when I was in school, and I was a quiet/shy person, and barely ever spoke to women, no confidence, no popularity, and I was always envious/jealous of those males who seemingly 'made it look easy' and had women 'all over them' and so on. It goes without saying, I have this belief that I 'can't make inroads' with women. Yes, now I see here that it's mainly in relation to women too. Jealousy of the male, and how he talks to women/the women around him, these things.

I see here that one of the main factors also, is seeing women as in my mind, basically, a totally different species to a male human lol. Like, a completely different life form, which is bizarre and hilarious. Clear separation. Female and male humans are the same, obviously body differences, but nothing else. So, when I see another male, who is easily getting along/talking to women and so on, I participate within jealousy, because I believe that I cannot do the same. I believe that I have an inability to talk to women, as I do with men. I believe that certain conditions/elements/risks appear when talking to women. For men, I find it rather easy to talk/converse with them. So I am certainly participating within and as separation, for having this inability to see that women are the exact same as men, that we are all life, we are both humans, and that is that.

More to come.

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