Monday, 17 August 2015
Day 473 - My expressive side
The other day I was hanging out with some people, and this kid and I took a liking to eachother. Anyway, I ended up hanging out/conversing with this kid for the majority of the time. Once we got accustomed to one another, the kid started pulling a bunch of faces, sometimes with, sometimes without arm movements as well. Lol, it was very cool/funny. It turned into the kid performing these faces/movements, and then me replicating them. Every time I replicated what was done, the kid found this very amusing/funny. So, I was replicating these faces/movements, and then I noticed adults drawing their attentions to the kid and I doing these faces/movements. THAT is when I 'didn't put as much' into the replications.
That was when I was like "Shit, people must think I'm goofy/childish." and so I only half-heartedly did this faces/movements in turn to this kid. At the time, I saw that I WANTED to do 'all out' and express myself, my faces/my movements, just as the kid was, but I never reached my true potential once I 'believed' eyes were on me. If it were other kids watching me, I'd not care. Only them being adults, I thought they must see me as goofy/childish. Anyway, the kid was a great example for me/to me. Being able to express themselves without scant regard for who was watching, if anyone, was awesome! No fears of being seen as goofy/childish. She was a child herself, so more like, no fear of being seen as goofy.
I learnt a lot more from this kid, than I have learnt from an adult in a long time. Thank you kid!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself to my true potential out of fear of being seen/judged by myself as 'goofy' and 'childish'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view pulling faces/arm movements/any movements as goofy/childish and not something an 'adult' should do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that what the kid was doing was totally in the moment/here, she was enjoying herself, without regard to what onlookers were doing/how they would/may judge on what she was doing, the enjoyment was the only factor, as it should be.
So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not 'put my all' into the movements/faces that I was replicating, purely out of fears/judgments created within and as myself as being goofy/childish and 'inappropriate' for an adult to do/perform.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be purely in the moment/here, and thus as to be able to perform the faces/movements in totality of my physical body, and so be able to express/enjoy the moment with the kid fully/mutually.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my 'expressive' side in favour of being 'adult'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be an expressive adult/person/human/life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself based on the ideas of what I believe an adult should/should not do and what a kid should/should not do.
When and as I see myself desiring to express myself fully, no matter what the face/movement/action, and then having backchats about it being 'goofy' or 'childish' or 'inappropriate' - I stop and breathe. I realise that being an adult does not change what I can/cannot do in my life. I realise that expression in its purest form is a GIFT that all have, the potential that all have, and so I commit myself to express my expression in its purest form, because I live for the moment, here, and I do NOT allow my own self-created judgments/fears to deter me on expressing myself/enjoying myself with others/myself.
I commit myself to not be a 'straight' person in terms of having basically ONE face/one expression/one movement, which is so one dimensional, it is beyond belief. I commit myself to be multi-dimensional, whereas I can express/enjoy, relax, have fun, because in doing so, I do not suppress who I am/what I can be, and in doing so I be an example of being here, in the moment, and get to really enjoy a moment for what it is, whether it's with others or not, it is fun and cool.