Friday, 11 December 2015

Day 532 - Are they laughing with me or at me?

I was in a group discussion and I raised a point/statement about something, it actually had funny undertones I should say which points more towards the 'laughing with me' phrase. But at the time, well, I wasn't entirely sure what the starting point of this laughter was. It was one person who was laughing. At the time I knew what I said could have provoked laughter, yet still...when I heard the laughter, I went into resistance. I was half embracing the laughter by laughing myself lol, and half resisting it through showing and feeling embarrassment within and as myself - difficult to portray these 2 things I found.

I mean, this all happened in the space of about 20 seconds, thereafter I just continued within and as the discussion. But it was that moment of resistance/embrace that stuck with me and is thus why I'm writing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the individual that laughed after my statement was said, was laughing in a 'mean spirited way' at/of me and in a way 'mocking' or 'insulting' me through laughter.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my own statements/what I say at any given time as 'stupid' or 'pathetic'.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to fully embrace what I said and the laughter that I myself got from it and that anyone else may have gotten from it.

Within my failure to embrace my/another's laughter/my own statement, I forgive myself thus that I have not accepted and allowed myself to 'continue' the moment/add onto the statement, because I was within this resistance, moreso leaning towards and participating within and as embarrassment rather than embrace.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say my statement, hear laughter, then try to MOVE ON from the statement that I said as fast as possible so that I don't have to 'deal with' embarrassment in which I MYSELF created/participated within and as.

When and as I see myself saying/doing something and seeing/hearing laughter and taking the laughter 'negatively' - I stop and breathe. I realise that my first instance HAS BEEN to take the laughter as an 'insult' of sorts because I am judging my own statements/the things that I do and I MYSELF have seen them as 'stupid' and 'pathetic' and 'lame'. So I commit myself to embrace the things that I say and the things that I do by wanting to enjoy/revel in a moment with myself and others and make the situation a fun one by contributing what it is that I want to contribute and so that others can latch onto what I contribute, creating a chain reaction of contribution which is very cool for all!

I commit myself to utilise my/the laughter of others so as to create a 'warm' and 'pleasant' environment, as laughter is an action that is relieving.

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