Monday, 26 January 2015

Day 378 - Animals are inferior?


I played golf with someone today, and I reacted somewhat angrily when this person suggested that I 'aim for the ducks'. There seems to always be ducks on this particular golf course that I play on. I mean yeah, there are something like 25 ducks in a group, and they are right in the 'hitting-zone' so to speak, but still, I reacted with anger when this person suggested I aim for the ducks. I say 'somewhat' angrily because I did not verbally react or physically react to this person, but I did react on the 'inside' or, 'within'.

Animals are not inferior, no, not at all - they are equal to us humans. But I must keep in mind that 'others' 'generally' see animals as inferior, or bugs. Or practically ANY other life other than a human life - which is super unfortunate, really. And yeah, looking at it now...actually no. I was going to say that looking back on it now, if I hadn't seen animals as my equal, the ducks specifically, then I would not 'care' that someone told me to 'aim for the ducks' - but that is not true, even before knowing of Desteni and thus seeing all life as my equal, I would still see that as 'not cool' that someone would tell me to aim for the ducks. I've always respected animals, but definitely not to the new extent that I've achieved since knowing of Desteni.

So it can depend on the person, depend on the animal/insect itself, about whether one sees it as reasonable to not hurt an animal/insect, or to not do that - it varies person by person..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react angrily to someone telling me to 'aim for the ducks' when playing golf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that depending on a person, one sees animals/insects differently to one another, and ESPECIALLY to me/other Destonians, because Destonians are really the only people in this world that respect each and every life on Earth, big or small.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that generally, people do see animals as inferior - within this, though, it's pointless of me to react each time that someone says/does something that shows that one sees an animal as inferior - it's just what is UNFORTUNATELY 'accepted' in society and has been accepted in society for so long that it's become 'normal' to disrespect animals and thus see them as inferior to us humans.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I WILL continue to see humans disrespect animals/insects, most likely for a long time, but it's up to me and others to 'make a stand' through writing/blogging/making light of the ways of Desteni - but to also take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed society to become, generally, and in regards to animals/insects.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily when someone tells me to 'aim for the ducks' when playing golf, I stop and breathe. I realise that depending on the person, each person will see ducks/animals/insects generally in a different light, but I realise that no matter what 'light' one sees animals/insects in, me reacting within anger to what is said/done is pointless - because it will NOT change me - it only goes to show that I still have reactions to write about. I commit myself to relax when one tells me to 'aim for the ducks' when playing golf, and to within this, step into this person's shoes and see potential 'life' from how they/one could/would see other life, and that means seeing other life in a disrespectful way/inferior way - which I must accept, instead of react to.

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Sunday, 25 January 2015

Day 377 - Professional attire = Pressure zone part 2

Context


When and as I see myself getting into my 'professional attire' and instantly participating within self-created 'pressure zone-age' - I stop and breathe. I realise that I've accepted and allowed myself to place a large emphasis on those 'professional clothes' and have thus allowed myself to be a victim to them by allowing them to define who I am. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that what I wear does NOT define me. Thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that who I am within whatever clothing that I wear, that is what defines me. I commit myself to not define myself by the clothing that I wear.

When and as I see myself separating my 'professional attire' from my 'casual clothing' - I stop and breathe. I realise despite obvious differences in the clothing themselves, both my professional attire and my casual clothing are just different forms of clothing for different occasions. I commit myself to see all occasions as the 'same' and to thus not allow myself to participate within 'pressure' of certain occasions and within this, certain clothing that I wear for that occasion.

When and as I see myself obsessing over 'little details' on the way to a job interview, such as obsessing over the way my hair looks, I stop and breathe. I realise that I cannot control all these 'little details' - because wind factors and other factors can have an effect on my hair for instance. Within this, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that although one's presentation is 'vital' for a job interview, what actually 'comes through' within one's interview with an employer is one's personality, how one 'is' - not how one 'looks'.

When and as I see myself placing high emphasis on my appearance when going for a job interview, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've been brainwashed to believe that my appearance for a job interview is the ONLY thing that could actually 'get me the job'. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that this is not the case, because it's about HOW I AM that shows the person that I meet the 'requirements' of the job.

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Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Day 376 - Professional attire = Pressure zone


So, I've had a few job interviews in the last few days, and I noticed that as soon as I sort of 'dress up' for the occasion and for the upcoming job interview, I instantly go into a 'pressure zone atmosphere' and I start freaking out, lol. Even when I'm just leaving home with this attire, I feel pressure within myself. And yes, it does definitely build up even more just before the interview. Having said that, my ability to maintain stability within myself has increased ten-fold. I have especially noticed this in regards to job interviews, when previously I'd be a nervous wreck, and these days, I'm much more comfortable.

Anyway so like.....as soon as I put on the business pants, the business shoes and the business shirt..oh, and tuck it into my pants, lol - that's when I'm like "FUCK, I am now in the job zone......" Actually yes, a realisation - It's also to do with 'wanting to' 'hold up' a certain appearance. Because you know, 'they' always say to look your best at an interview. Your hair, your.....clothing of course, your umm.....face in general - so that is definitely a big factor in it, needing to 'stay' a certain way, because like, for me, most of these interviews are in the city whereas I need to take a train for about...30 - 40 mins, then walk at least 10 minutes to my destination, and a lot can 'change' in that time, for instance, I could get rained on! (Which I should have prepared for prior to be fair) Umm, just general wind could......mess up my already quite messy hair, things like that, you never know. I might get shat on my a bird, lol. Who knows.

Okay..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately upon putting on my 'professional attire' - go into a pressure pattern of 'burden' within myself to 'stay looking like this' until I get to my interview/until the interview is over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to OBSESS over small things, like how my hair looks, if my clothing is not creased - all the way up to my interview - when SOMETIMES, these things simply cannot be taken care of in all circumstances, which is just reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that although one's presentation is usually important for a job interview, what 'stands out' the most is one's PERSONALITY, and how one 'is' - how one presents their 'inner them'.

Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to during the interview, be so caught up within backchats that I don't look 'good enough' or I have 'lost the job based on my appearance' - that I literally ONLY focus on those backchats and allow that to manifest within myself by 'not being myself' in terms of not showing an interest in the job, because I'm to busy 'worrying' about how I look.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the less 'worried' I am about my appearance when wearing 'professional attire' - the 'better' I can present myself, and the chances of getting the job increase ten-fold.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place 'extreme emphasis' on the 'professional attire' that I wear to a job interview - and allow myself to carry this WEIGHT around with me when wearing that 'professional attire'.

Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see my 'professional attire' as the same as my 'casual clothes'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the 'professional attire' to dictate WHO I AM.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not 'look the part' without obsession/backchats.

Commitment statements next.

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Sunday, 18 January 2015

Day 375 - What the state of my living area says about me part 2


Context

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand the correlation between the state of my living area, and MY MIND/what I am SUPPRESSING.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that my behaviours, how I am, how I 'do' things, how 'clean' I am, all of these things paint a picture of where I am in my current state, thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be more AWARE of my surroundings which originate from points that I am suppressing when the state of my living area is messy for instance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not get out of bed, clean my living area and do things that I would 'normally' do within my daily life, instead of suppressing all of my thoughts/points that I NEED to write out by taking the 'easy way out' through living in 'filth' and staying in bed, not wanting to face myself.

When and as I see that I'm purposely leaving rubbish lying around my living area, bottles, paper, clothing - I stop and breathe. I realise that THIS is an INDICATION that there are points or a point that I am SUPPRESSING and NOT willing to face within myself. Thus, I commit myself to NOT allow my living area to get to a state whereas it is extremely messy, because as soon as I even allow that, I'm suppressing myself and points within myself, which gets me ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE. So, I commit myself to 'keep on top' of how my living area looks, because that can assist me in identifying 'where I'm at' in my current existence within life and also, to not allow myself to go into a 'habit' of leaving rubbish, clothes lying around through suppression.

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Day 374 - What the state of my living area says about me


Someone made me realise something when they visited me. I didn't want to show them my living area because it was basically super messy. I had clothes everywhere, rubbish everywhere, bottles, cartons..plastic bags, you name it. It was a struggle to walk anywhere, I could see no flooring! Anyway, this person told me that it could be a sign that there is a point that I'm suppressing within myself, something that I'm not facing. And it all made sense..

I'm looking at the state of my living area now, and it's not AS messy as it was, but still quite messy. And this messiness comes into relation with what I've done this weekend, which is basically staying in bed and watching tv shows..
There are points that I'm suppressing, and it shows this through my behaviour, through the state of my behaviour, which leads to the state of my living area. I need to face whatever points are stopping me from getting out of bed, what is stopping me from keeping my living area clean, and thus living within a hygienic state.

SF/SC statements to come..

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Friday, 16 January 2015

Day 373 - Using someone part 2



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in the past, use someone exclusively for assistance with something.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that the reason that I felt like I was using someone for assistance purposes only, was because that at the time, my relationship with this person was 'weak' and filled with arguments/emotions - which is why I felt as if I were 'using' another, because the starting point of the relationship was fueled by arguments/emotions.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise that if I were on 'good terms' with this person, then I would not feel 'guilty' and thus feel as if I was 'using' someone for only my benefit, because the starting point of myself and this person would be 'healthy' and thus I wouldn't see it as 'bad' to still ask favours of this person for my benefit.

Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I must see this person regularly or communicate with them regularly to be able to take benefit of this assistance that was suggested to me by this person.

When and as I see myself failing to realise that I only felt guilty and thus felt as if I were using someone because of the 'negative' relationship I had with this person in the past, I stop and breathe. I realise that now that the 'negative' relationship is no longer 'negative'/filled with arguments/emotions, I don't have to feel 'guilty' for using this assistance - because now my starting point with this person is 'healthy'. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that was what was holding me back in the past/now - past memories of 'using' this person from a starting point of an emotion-filled relationship and thus a sensation of guilt and of 'using' this person.

When and as I see myself seeing that I must see someone or communicate with someone regularly if I want this 'assistance', otherwise be labelled as 'using someone just for assistance purposes' - I stop and breathe. I realise that this is an ideal that I've created within myself of 'feeling' as if I must communicate with another regularly, otherwise not being able to get assistance from another without feeling guilty. Thus, I commit myself to always make sure my starting point of something is not tinged with emotions/arguments, otherwise that would 'make sense' in relation to me feeling as if I was using someone for my benefit only, because I'd have backchats of 'not liking' the person, but still wanting their assistance with something only at certain times - thus not liking someone, but still using them for personal gain - which is what I did in the past.

Day 372 - Using someone


I've been under the impression that I'm somewhat 'using' another. I actually have stopped this apparent 'using' as of late - but I once did take advantage of this 'using' of another. I feel as if I am using someone, because the relationship with this person is not exactly 'strong'. And the relationship with this person has been...rather weak in the past - although admittedly it's 'normal' now, I'd say. I mean 'normal' because there is lack of arguments/disagreements.

But even so, I still rarely see this person - and yet, they have offered me 'assistance' with something if I ever need it. So yeah, for me, I go into this guilt feeling, I feel like I'm taking advantage of this person, because we barely speak in the first place/don't see much of eachother, which is why I have not taken advantage of this 'assistance' that I've been told I can use at anytime. I can definitely see that if the tables turned somewhat, and I started seeing/talking to this person more regularly, then I would NOT feel 'guilty' or feel as if I'm taking advantage of another - because I'd feel that the relationship/bond is 'strong' anyway.

So let's see - I want to try putting myself in this person's shoes (always an important step) - Actually yeah, first a realisation, because I can imagine generally...whereas someone says something like "Oh, you're only here to see me because you need that 'assistance'." And that is what I can see from putting myself in this person's shoes. So, I can see how it's important to 'keep in touch' with another if I do want this particular 'assistance' - but at the same time, I don't want to only keep in touch with this person for the sake of this 'assistance'.

The 'assistance' is like an added bonus. But yes...I can see how I have been 'using someone' for this particular 'assistance'. And only really seeing this person for this 'assistance'. So, that is not cool - what I'm doing. Also though, I'm not going to 'pretend' like my relationship with this person is 'all good' and thus see them every now and then, but ONLY for a starting point of desiring this 'assistance' - that is also not cool. Basically, if my starting point of 'knowing' someone is for a 'favour' - then that is using someone.

I see that my starting point should be to actually 'know' someone and be able to communicate with someone effectively without any 'strings attached' in terms of wanting particular favours for myself in some way.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Day 371 - Fallllllllllling


It's cool that basically ANYTHING can give one insights into themselves in any way, shape or form. Even a game. I was playing a game via Facebook called 'Trials' (I think) - and it's like a 2D/3D-ish motorbike game where one traverses over ramps, various obstacles, and attempts to get to the finish line as fast as possible. One of the new levels that I faced last night had me going up a ramp, and I missed the platform right...and so I ended up falling and falling all the way down, and as that was happening, I shivered. I knew instantly, this feeling was JUST LIKE the feeling of falling that I used to have as a child.

I realised it instantly, which is super cool and another cool thing that happens in one's process with Desteni, all these realisations, putting the pieces of the puzzle of oneself back together, finding the origins, getting to these origins, and rectifying them through writing - awesome. Because yeah, I used to ALWAYS have these dreams, I'd call them nightmares, actually, as a child. I'd be on a swing or something, or a mountain, a building..and suddenly it was like whatever I was sitting/standing on would just fall away...and I'd be fallllllllllling at an insane pace, no time to act, I mean, what the fuck can I do, falling at such a place - I felt helpless within these dreams.

And so, it was ALWAYS a huge fucking relief to wake up just before hitting the surface and most likely exploding...lol not exploding (too many videogames) - more like just...dying...........epically, blood everywhere, I'd be flat, dead, if I were to hit the ground at such a speed. So yeah, I'd wake up, SUPER relieved, but still be in a panic, because it's like "Fuck, I just went through that whole experience and almost died.."

And as I was playing the game (Trials) it was interesting, because as I had this 'shivering' feeling, I knew I was in control of a videogame character, but the falling thing, it still IMPACTED my physical body...SF/SC TIME.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within memories of when I was a child, having nightmares and FALLING - when and as I was playing a videogame which I 'likened' to that same experience of FALLING in nightmares that I had as a child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear falling and thus falling to my death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel 'helpless' when and as I were 'falling' because I saw that I was going to die instantly as soon as I hit the ground..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within future perceptions of me falling and feeling intense physical pain all over my body through falling form a high height and hitting the ground with a strong impact/force.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that all of those times that I was playing on 'high' equipment as a child and being told to 'be careful' by people - it made me fearful of falling...and thus, through that...I allowed nightmares within myself of how it would 'feel' to fall and fall - and how that would 'feel' like as I was falling all that way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear heights, and what would happen to me if I were to fall down from the height, whatever it was.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within memories of movies whereas I saw people get shot or fall or commit suicide from going off of large buildings/high places and seeing the pace/force of the speed they were moving at and 'wincing' when and as I saw them splattered all over the ground in pain/dead.

Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through those participations within movie moments of high falls/death/pain - create a fear of that exact thing happening to me, which I can 'make true' through dream/nightmare creations and participations - because it 'feels' so real within a dream/nightmare, and thus I made it happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see movies as reality, whereas it will happen within my life - when movies are just that, MOVIES - made to make people 'feel' things, whether it's emotions/feelings - fears - and I've allowed that to impact me and 'stay' with me as a fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become brainwashed through these movies to thus manifest a fear within myself of falling to my death from high situations.

When and as I see myself fearing that I can fall to my death at any time, I stop and breathe. I realise that there is no VALID reason for me to fall to my death, or fall neverending-ly to my death - I realise that through movie participation, I've MADE those patterns within my own mind when and as I see people falling/getting hurt/dying from falls from high places. I commit myself to not participate within these memories of movies and falls/death/pain within movies and to thus realise now that movies are NOT real, they are 'acted out' and are created to 'engage' people's 'emotions' and 'feelings' - which is what has happened to me.

When and as I see myself participating within 'cautions' from people when and as I used to play on 'high' equipment and using that as a base/fuel to fuel my fear of heights/falling, I stop and breathe. I realise that through those cautions from people, I was extremely fearful of falling because I saw that it would either hurt a Hell of a lot, or I'd die. I commit myself to thus make sure my starting point of 'heights' or using 'heights' is valid/commonsensical, in terms of knowing if for any reason I could 'fall' from tripping or something like that - so as to be aware of 'high' situations in present/future and to use that commonsencial starting point as a means to know possibilities of me ACTUALLY falling for whatever reason and hurting myself/dying.

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Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Day 370 - Casual to necessary situation part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must react within some sort of emotion to get a POINT across to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on an emotion to get a point across to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to realise that I CAN get a point across to another WITHOUT being influenced by an emotion such as anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can be STABLE and STILL get a 'point' across to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can make a point/situation 'urgent' and 'necessary' by explaining to another WHY I for instance need electricity back in my room asap, whether it be to search for jobs, do my writings, or talk to someone online...or even charge my phone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to MAKE the situation overly 'casual' - because from the way I was acting/talking to the property owner, they could tell that I was NOT overly keen to get the electricity back on - thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not explain with words that I do really want/need the electricity back ASAP - but to NOT explain/get my point across through ANGER - because that is INSTABILITY and MIND-PARTICIPATION/REACTION.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'sit back' and wait for the electricity to return to my room - when I could instead call my property owner every now and then for UPDATES - within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put the onus onto my property owner, instead of taking SELF-RESPONSIBILITY by CHECKING MYSELF for more 'updates' about the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate 'too much' in PATIENCE to the point where I am literally suppressing my needs for electricity, through trying to show that I am a patient person and don't 'need' electricity to do things that in actuality, I DO need to do.

When and as I see myself wanting to promote myself as a patient person in regards to how I act towards my property owner, EVEN THOUGH I did in fact want electricity back in my room asap so that I could do my daily tasks, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is utter SUPPRESSION, because I'm HIDING the fact/NEED of me requiring electricity so that I can go about my daily tasks - so, through 'fake patience' - I've shown that 'there's no rush for electricity' even though there quite clearly (only clearly within myself) was a 'rush' for electricity to return - albeit, I failed to SHOW this urgency to my property owner, thus making the situation 'casual' instead of 'necessary'. I commit myself to NOT participate within patience to the point where I am actually suppressing my need for electricity - I commit myself to BE patient, but to make my understanding of needing electricity back asap, make it apparent to my property owner, as a means to 'get my point across'.

When and as I see myself thinking that I MUST participate within an emotion to get my point across to another, I stop and breathe. I realise that throughout my whole life, I HAVE used emotions to get my point across - whether it was participating within anger to show someone that I was pissed off, or crying to show someone that they hurt me somehow. Thus, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I can do all these things, getting my point across in any way, shape or form, but MINUS any emotions or feelings - So, I commit myself to HAVE a starting point of STABILITY BEFORE I 'say' and 'discuss' the urgency of my need for electricity back when conversing with my property owner, so that in the end, THEY realise that the situation is actually urgent for me, instead of them thinking that 'he obviously doesn't mind if the electricity returns today, tomorrow, or next week.'

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Monday, 12 January 2015

Day 369 - Casual to necessary situation


This morning, the electricity went off in the apartment that I'm living at. It was something to do with a change of ownership for the property, so the electricity company switched it off. The new owner of the property (apartment) came to the property, and they phoned the electricity company to discuss why/when the electricity will return. This was at about 11am. The new owner informed me that someone would come to turn the electricity back on 'today hopefully'. I have to say, that wasn't exactly encouraging...but I didn't act on it.

Moving into the future a bit, it was now about 4:30pm, and still no electricity. I was the only one at the apartment at this time, so I had been hanging around, doing..not much, lol. Kind of patiently waiting for the electricity to return. I would have gone to the park or something, but I told the property owner that I'd stay home and allow my housemates to enter the property (because it's a system based on electricity to enter the property/each person's room).

Anyway, at 4:30pm, a housemate of mine came back. I told them the situation, and they were quite angry. I was lucky because I left my door open to my room, so I could enter/exit, nobody else could until the electricity returned. And it was interesting, because...because they were so angry, they called the property owner and in an 'angry' tone, was 'bickering' to the property owner about them not being able to enter their room, and do this and that - so, they suggested that the property owner 'do more' and told the property owner to call the electricity company again.

So, 5 minutes later, I got a call back from the property owner who after calling the electricity company, informed me that electricity had returned. So, I switched on all the switches (that had to be turned off before the electricity company could give us electricity again) and viola, the electricity returned.

Soooooo....
You know like, if that person hadn't have come back to the property, I would have been waiting...probably another few hours. And it was thanks to them, that they changed the situation from being a 'casual' situation, to a NECESSARY situation - although, it was made necessary through ANGER by this person phoning the property owner, which is definitely not cool. But at the same time, I learnt....I learnt that I can make the situation more 'urgent' and 'necessary' by phoning the property owner, and like, 'doing a bit more' so that I and the other housemates can get the electricity back asap, BUT, to obviously not do this within ANGER. So, it's to come across as the situation being urgent/necessary, but not within anger - so that was cool that I learnt that, it's like, I found a 'balance' - a balance between necessity, and anger, so to make it a necessity minus anger - cool.

Self-forgiveness/commitment statements to come.

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Day 368 - Giving power to food


This could also be titled: Relying on food to lift my mood.

Relying on food to lift my mood: That is exactly what happens to me when I decide that I want to buy a food that I proclaim as 'nice'. Usually some sort of takeaway food, pizza, fish and chips - if not those, then 'junk' food: Chocolate, lollies, chips. It 'makes sense' in a way, cause it's like, well for me - when I've felt 'down' or 'depressed' previously, I turn to food. I reckon many can relate to that.

But this can be relate-able to many other things, including one turning to cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. Of course, they are all forms of SUPPRESSION. They are all temporary 'high's'. And I've accepted and allowed food to be my temporary high and suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give POWER to FOOD.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing food to have power over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider food as the thing that can 'turn my life around' or 'lift my mood'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that because I proclaim certain foods as 'nice' - I participate within memories of those 'nice tastes' of food, and am thus attracted to that DESIRE to WANT that 'nice taste' of food, and thus within this, I allow that to dictate me as a person, in terms of lifting my mood/making me 'feel' better - when all it is in fact, is a food which I've accepted and allowed myself to see (taste) as 'nice'.

Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that ANY food can turn into a food that I proclaim as 'nice' - NOT just sugar, chocolate and takeaway food. I realise that those foods have certain ingredients within them that ATTRACT me towards them, towards obsessing over them, and thus allowing them to 'control' me and have power over me - which I've obviously allowed within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that temporary highs such as food are NEVER going to 'change' me in the LONG run, or the short run...it's just that I've attached a 'positive' feeling towards foods that I proclaim as 'nice' - yet are only 'nice' because of certain ingredients which again, attract me towards them.

When and as I see myself failing to 'proclaim' foods that I own/buy from local groceries as 'nice' or 'nice tasting' - I stop and breathe. I realise that through participation within my mind, I've allowed myself to be 'drawn' to only certain types of foods, takeaway, chocolate and lollies - because again, through mind-participation, I 'feel' a certain 'high' and a 'buzz' from eating these foods. I commit myself to NOT require a need for a 'buzz'. I commit myself to realise that 'buzz's' are only temporary, temporary highs, and I thus commit myself to continue WRITING, because through writing, I gain PERMANENT highs, because I'm getting to the very source of my reason for highs/buzz's.

When and as I see myself placing certain foods in higher regards to other foods, I stop and breathe. I realise that ANY food that gives me sustenance is a 'nice food' and a 'nice tasting food' - I commit myself to see my actual REASONS for eating food - which should be to sustain myself as life, to nourish my body, and to LISTEN to my body through feeding it. Thus NOT to 'feel' a 'high' - Thus to only feed my physical body, not to feed my MIND.

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Saturday, 10 January 2015

Day 367 - Stopping self from what doing what I had planned


I've had this pattern within myself for so long. It can be in relation to anything, whether telling someone I'm going to go to their house for dinner, telling someone I'm going to meet up with them somewhere, at some time, things to do only with myself - purchasing a particular product, washing my clothes. So, I can say I'll do all these things, whether it's telling someone, or putting a reminder in my calendar to wash my clothes/purchase a particular product.

BUT, THE SAME PATTERN EMERGES TIME AND TIME AGAIN - Like, using an excuse, whatever the excuse may be, to either delay the event, or to cancel it entirely. And super definitely, it's ALWAYS something to do with my mind. My participation within my mind STOP me from doing the said activity that I had planned. You know, it can be a particular point I'm struggling with, I mean yeah, it's usually that. THAT is my excuse for 'putting off' a certain event that I had planned.

And I see it as really not cool. Jee, a realisation - I really, really used to do this, especially at school, for HOMEWORK. "Meh, I'll write this essay tomorrow night, it's not due until next week, anyway." And then what? I say that a few more times, and then I'm left with 1 or 2 days to start/finish this essay. And it's too late. I either have to rush the essay to completion, or, make up a false excuse to my teacher on the due date of the essay, which does NOT assist with my grades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up EXCUSES as to why I can't attend a particular PLANNED event.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delay planned events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not BREATHE through my potential 'cancellation' or 'delay' of a planned event - as to thus STOP participation within whatever point is at hand, but to obviously take note of the point so I can write about it later, but to BREATHE in the moment, as to not AVOID my responsibilities on account/excuse of 'my mind'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my responsibilities by blaming my mind, making my mind the culprit for MY cancellations/delays of planned events.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that through actually DOING what I had said I'll do/planned, time and time again - this will assist me in NOT cancelling/delaying future planned events.

When and as I see myself seeing that I have a planned event occurring soon/later in the day, and contemplating my 'attendance' to the said event, I stop and breathe. I realise that if I SAID I'll go to it, whether to another person, or to 'myself' - then it's best to do so, because there is a REASON I said I'll go to the said event in the first place. Within this, I commit myself to stop, breathe - and to consider all 'aspects' of future planned events, by looking at my starting point to going to them or not going to them, to make sure I actually CAN attend whatever the event may be, and obviously whether I actually WANT to attend the event or not - as to then avoid 'further' delays/cancellations, when I had in fact SAID I would attend the planned event in the FIRST PLACE.

When and as I see myself squarely blaming my mind and saying my mind is the culprit of delays/cancellations/excuses, I stop and breathe. I realise that despite that being so, that is NO excuse to actually AVOID the said event. I realise that when those backchats appear within myself, it's up to ME, whether I participate within them and thus delay/cancel an event, OR, BREATHE as soon as the backchats come up, to then STEP FORWARD, and beyond the backchats - so I can then attend the event, instead of cancelling it because of 'my mind'. I commit myself to absolutely ALWAYS breathe when backchats/excuses to delay/avoid events appear within myself, because that is my ONLY way to BRING MYSELF BACK HERE - thus to my physical body, to then NOT listen to those backchats within myself which lead to manifested cancellations/delays.

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Day 366 - 'Too' loud


Today, and other times, I've had anger charged backchats about others in my apartment being 'too loud'. Like, today I had a bit of a sleep at about 6pm (not a 'usual' time to sleep) and I was struggling to do so because I kept hearing pots and pans clashing together, and people loudly conversing to one another. And my backchats were like "I wish these people would just shut the fuck up!" And I was quite angry therefore.

But, it's necessary to look at the situation generally. I live in an apartment with others - all the rooms are rather close to one another, only separated by common areas, kitchens, bathrooms. Also, my room is right outside of a 'games' area with a pool table, table tennis table and football table. So, it's SUPER different 'loudness' wise, living here, and living at my own house/unit for instance. There is no point in me reacting angrily to others 'being too loud' - it's what I SHOULD expect in an apartment, sharing with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react angrily to hearing others' conversing to one another and cooking food with the sounds of pots and pans being heard by me,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to EXPECT a 'quiet' environment suited ONLY for me, and thus disregarding everyone else in the apartment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the EXISTENCE of anyone else in the apartment WITH ME.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasise living in my own house/unit, whereas it would be more 'quiet'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that I can only actually DO THIS, through earning a stable income, and thus having a stable income and being able to live alone whereas 'noise factor' would be lessened by doing this.

When and as I see myself disregarding the very EXISTENCE of others in the apartment with me, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am in fact SHARING an apartment with others, thus NOISE should be 'expected'. I commit myself to accept the fact that I am sharing an apartment with OTHERS, and that my needs/desires are NOT 'worth more' than others' needs/desires. Within this, I commit myself to look at my 'desire' to see that living alone is a possibility, if I work for it/have the money to pay for a house/unit whereas I live alone.

When and as I see myself participating in backchats of 'wishing these people would just shut the fuck up' - I stop and breathe. Again, I realise that I do NOT own the whole apartment, and thus to expect NO NOISE/SOUND within the apartment, FROM my room, is UNREALISTIC, I commit myself to see, realise and understand and ACCEPT the scenario that I am IN/living in, with other people/things.

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Friday, 9 January 2015

Day 365 - Does my name define me?


Simple answer to that is a resounding NO. Yet, I always have somewhat 'limited' myself by my name. My full name - Anthony Field. I used to look at those two names, and be like... "What a boring name." Like, to me, those names are so common. And my surname is so 'standard'. So....'normal'. And I've at times wanted a FLASHY name. Like...well, because half of my family are Cypriot, I have always desired a name that is Cypriot/Greek. Like, instead of Anthony, maybe...'Antonio' or 'Andreas'. Lol, I don't even know if they are specifically Cypriot/Greek names, but they certainly have that certain European flavour to them.

But what the Hell, no, that definitely makes no sense to define me or my actions/how I live in this world, by my name. What a CRAZY limitation that is. My name is just a name. It's how others talk to me, if they need to. Um..how others.....communicate with me individually. I mean yeah, if we all had the exact same name, it would be a bit difficult to 'call out' an individual person. So, that is all a name is. And yeah, it's to do with family/country - those things - but beyond that, it does NOT define me whatsoever, despite my feelings otherwise. 'Feelings' - No more 'feelings' towards my name!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am by my name.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my potential and who I can be in this world, by my name.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my name as 'boring', 'common' and 'standard'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a more 'European' name such as 'Antonio' or 'Andreas' and within this, thinking that having a name like that will get me FURTHER in life, or make me more SUCCESSFUL in life - which is a complete myth, as a name does NOT define me whatsoever, UNLESS I allow it to do so - which I am NOT allowing, right here, within my writings.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that perhaps I could be more 'popular' if I had a different name.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire 'popularity'.

When and as I see myself defining myself/my actions by my name, I stop and breathe. I realise that my name does not define myself/my actions whatsoever, and only 'does' if I actively participate within my mind and thus allow definition by my name.I commit myself to see, realise and understand, no matter WHAT my name is/could be, who I AM in this world is dependent on my ACTIONS.

When and as I see myself desiring a more 'European' name, I stop and breathe. Again, I realise that having a more 'European' name will NOT 'change' WHO I AM as a person in any way, shape or form - I realise that this is just an ideal that I've created within myself and thus participated in - rather than ACCEPTING my name for what it is/why it exists. I commit myself to rely on my ACTIONS as to define who I am as an individual, rather than my NAME - and to NOT limit myself/my actions by my name, therefore.

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Thursday, 8 January 2015

Day 364 - Fear of 'hurting' another


When I say 'hurting' - I mean, hurting them 'emotionally'. So, someone and I bought something from the shops today. And as we were at the checkout, I noticed that the total amount which was owed did not 'look right'. And as we bought what we bought, I checked out the receipt, and was studying it a bit because the total amount that we ended up paying, it still didn't look right, in fact...I knew it was incorrect - but I did not say anything at the time.

It wasn't until we were heading towards the exit, did the person I was with wonder if we got charged incorrectly. They suspected something was up because I kept checking out the receipt..
So yeah, it wasn't until then that I did say "Yeah, I think we got overcharged." and we worked it out, and we both agreed that we got overcharged. So, we went back to the checkout, told the checkout person, and they corrected the final amount.

But, I knew at the time, what I should have done was SPEAK UP when I knew the total amount due was incorrect. Why didn't I? Because, I feared hurting the checkout person. But it wasn't 'hurt'. Pointing out a mistake is not 'hurting' someone. And also, the checkout person after realising she had made a mistake, she apologised to us, and said that her new glasses were to blame, as she was still getting accustomed to those new glasses. So, it's not like I'm purposely trying to 'hurt' someone by pointing out a mistake, I'm doing it for both our benefit. I get charged the correct amount, and the checkout person can perhaps double check the total amount or get new glasses or whatever they think they must do, so that no further 'mistakes' happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not speak up when I KNEW a mistake had been made when purchasing something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'hurting' another by pointing out a mistake they made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the benefit that the checkout person and I receive from me actually pointing out that a mistake was made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as if I intentionally aimed to 'hurt' a person by pointing out a mistake they made.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to actually prefer to LEAVE the store, despite knowing that I had paid more than I had to, and basically allowing myself to SUPPRESS myself through not pointing out a mistake that in fact assists both parties.

When and as I see myself fearing to SPEAK UP in a scenario where I KNOW I should, I stop and breathe. I realise that failing to speak up when needed to is SUPPRESSION, because I know something is 'not right' and to not speak up is to continually participate within my mind out of a fear of 'hurting' another - where in fact I am just pointing out a mistake of another - which is NOT hurting them with any intention whatsoever. I commit myself to realise the difference between hurting another within intention, and pointing out a mistake of another.

When and as I see myself failing to see the benefit of speaking up in a scenario like this whereas I see that I get charged incorrectly, I stop and breathe. I realise that speaking up and correcting the mistake benefits everyone involved in the scenario, because I get charged the 'correct' amount, while the checkout person learns as well, to perhaps be more careful/double check price amounts to avoid further mistakes when selling items to people. I commit myself to see, realise and understand thus the mutual benefits of me speaking up when I see a mistake, no matter whose mistake it is.

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Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Day 363 - Pink, a 'girl' colour


Learning from others' writings about their relationships to specific colours, I wanted to write again my relationship to colours, too.

So, what I've always thought in terms of choosing colours for a newborn baby, and whether it's a girl or boy - my thinking (and noticing/knowing) was that for a girl, a pink colour of clothing would be preferred. And for a boy, a blue colour of clothing. No doubt, that is what I've learn from seeing babies. I mean, obviously parents will dress their babies in all different colours, red, purple, green, but 'commonly' I've seen babies with either pink clothing to signify that they are female, or blue clothing to signify they are male.

And because of that common practice within blue/pink colouring, I still have this thinking pattern that pink = a girl's colour and blue = a boy's colour. But obviously those are not 'set in stone' colours. And it does NOT mean a boy cannot where pink clothing (or a man), and same goes for girls, it doesn't mean a girl can't wear blue clothing, and it doesn't mean a woman can't wear blue clothing. But yes...especially for babies, that's what I've seen/experienced.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define the colour of pink as a 'girl's colour'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to thus see it as 'abnormal' for a boy to wear pink.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, through past experiences with colours and with colours of clothing that babies wear, only see outcomes from an extremely limited perspective of pink = girl and blue = boy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate within these past experiences whereas if I see a man wearing a pink shirt, I find it 'weird' and 'abnormal' because I continue to define the colour pink as 'meant' for females.
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a male wearing a pink shirt as 'gay' - thinking that he must be gay, because he wears a pink shirt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define pink colours on a male as conclusive of him being gay.

When and as I see myself seeing it as abnormal for a male to wear pink clothing, I stop and breathe. I realise that only through past experiences, have I allowed myself to define myself within STRICT limitations of pink only being for females. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that pink is NOT limited to any gender/age/race - because no one person 'owns' a certain colour or should be 'expected' to wear a certain colour, that is LIMITATION.

When and as I see myself immediately jumping to the conclusion that a male that wears pink clothing must be gay, I stop and breathe. Again, I realise that because of past experiences in terms of tv viewing, billboards, advertising, I've come to see pink as a 'gay' colour that only gay men would actually wear. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that pink is UNIVERSAL, as are ALL colours - and I realise that no ONE colour defines a person, a person's sexual preferences, or a person in any way, shape or form.

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Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Day 362 - I miss you


Not long ago, I sort of 'parted ways' with somebody. Or well, it was from my own doing. I did not WANT to, but in my actions of trying to assist someone, I told a 'small' lie, and because of that (and perhaps jealousy) they told me to 'fuck off'. So, I've not spoken to this person for...almost 2 months, I think. I did send an apology text to this person a few days after the incident occurred, but as of yet, have heard nothing back. That may change, I suspect this person may be biding their time, and to perhaps 'get back to me' eventually, but no use holding my breath for that day to come.

But, it caught me off guard. Because, I went from talking to this person daily, to not speaking to them at all. So, it was like whoooooooosh, and the friendship evaporated. And I have been 'missing' this person. Like, me remembering all the 'good' times I shared with this person since I met them. So, here is my self-forgiveness/commitment statements on missing someone.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to miss somebody to the point where I react within the 'sadness' emotion.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind and thus within memories of the 'good' times I shared with this person, and thus using that as fuel to 'add' to the 'sadness' energy that I have created within myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fall for the illusion of NEEDING this person 'in my life' in some way, shape or form - and within this, seeing a 'bleak' present/future if I do not 'have' this person in my life in some way, shape or form.
Thus within this, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within future projections which I create through my mind through a starting point of the 'good' times I spent with this person, thus seeing those 'good' times NOT in my future, as a means to manifest a future for myself as 'bleak'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live and participate within separation, whereas I see only a 'bleak' outlook for myself by not having this particular person 'in my life'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to THINK that I NEED certain people/things IN MY LIFE to be able to have an 'enjoyable' life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I ONLY need MYSELF to have a so called 'enjoyable' life. Within this, I realise that the term 'enjoyable' is what I MAKE out of my life/what I do with it/choose to do with it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that constantly longing over someone and wishing they were back in my life is futile, as within this, I place my present/future within memories/emotions and also, the person involved. Thus, I commit myself to be the one and only directive principle within my life, as to be IN CONTROL of the choices that I actually CAN change/alter for what is best for all.

When and as I see myself participating within 'good' times/memories of the times I spent with this person and reacting with 'sadness' - I stop and breathe. I realise that it's OKAY to 'remember' past memories, but to remember them and have ATTACHMENTS to memories that turn into manifestations of sadness, is me allowing myself to participate within my mind and thus the energies that come along with that participation.

When and as I see myself seeing my present/future as 'bleak' because of this person not being 'in my life' anymore, I stop and breathe. I realise that I only have these 'feelings' and 'perspectives' upon my life in present/future because I continue to have energy attachments to the times I shared with this person, and thus keep 'wanting' those times 'back'. I realise that I myself create a future for myself, and that I do NOT need certain people/things outside of myself to have an 'enjoyable' or 'good' present/future.

When and as I see myself giving control to my mind in the 'hope' that this person comes back into my life, I stop and breathe. I realise that 'hope' is not IN MY CONTROL, thus it is unrealistic and well...'hopeful'. I commit myself to control what I actually can control HERE, within this, I realise that this means that I CANNOT control what another person does/does not do in regards to 'being in my life again'. Thus, I commit myself to stop 'trying' and 'hoping' and 'wishing' - because those are futile/pointless/out of my control.

I commit myself to control what I actually CAN CONTROL, HERE, within my PRESENT self/being.

I commit myself to STOP participating within memories/good times that I had with this person, and to instead remember the times I had with this person, but to not participate through these memories within my mind, otherwise manifest sadness - which leads me absolutely nowhere/does not assist me in my physical body whatsoever.

I commit myself to MOVE ON within my life, and to thus realise that I only need MYSELF to continue my process of change/discovery/learning - into what is best for all life - Realising that I do NOT need certain people/things to 'get by' in life or to make life 'enjoyable'.

I commit myself to GET OUT OF the quick sand that is my mind and all the emotions that manifest through it.

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Thursday, 1 January 2015

Day 361 - Picky

Today I went shopping with someone, and we came across some sugar free lollies/chocolate. We almost bought a pack each, when this person said to check if the products had artificial sweeteners before we bought them. So, I checked, and they both had a certain artificial sweetener. I got annoyed, and judged the person as 'picky' because, I thought to myself that...it's impossible at avoid certain ingredients, and I also thought that there is ALWAYS something 'unhealthy' in just about every product that one buys.

Also, I realised that despite my awareness of the crap that companies put in the products that we consume, I reacted to seeing 'artificial sweeteners' in the sugar free lollies/chocolate, because I had not researched adverse effects of artificial sweeteners. And thus, I thought "Hey..I have not even researched artificial sweeteners, and I've never come across them or seen them advertised anywhere that they're 'bad' for a person to consume, so, they must be 'okay'." That's what I thought to myself..

So, I was basically claiming my jurisdiction as final, as the most accurate. Of course, UNTRUE. Within my mind, I like to THINK and thus CLAIM that I know all about what ingredients are okay to consume, and what ingredients are NOT okay to consume, but I DON'T KNOW, I don't know about a multitude of ingredients, because I'm yet to research them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge someone as 'picky' for wanting to know if 'artificial sweeteners' were in the products we were about to buy, before actually buying them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within my mind whereas I 'think' that I know ALL about what ingredients CAN/CANNOT be consumed, and thus through this participation within my mind, claim my jurisdiction as the ULTIMATE.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see ingredient-searching as 'picky' - when it's actually WISE and MANDATORY to do so, otherwise, put all manner of crap in my body, and suffer adverse affects therefore, of consuming a bunch of food without knowing what's IN the food itself.
Thus, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to eat whatever takes my fancy, WITHOUT checking what's in the food beforehand - I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not put my physical body's health FIRST, as that is VITAL for my survival.....NECESSARY for my survival.

I commit myself to thus consider it COOL for others to be AWARE of what they consume, because it IS cool and important and vital and necessary, otherwise suffer ill-effects.

I commit myself to be more aware of what I consume, and thus to improve my physical body's health, and to support my physical body as best I can, by knowing what I consume, and thus what NOT to consume.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I'd RATHER take a few seconds/minutes to check what's in the food I consume, rather than consume it without knowing, and THEN suffer ill-effects from the consumption because of my lack of 'care' for myself.

When and as I see myself claiming my jurisdiction as FINAL, I stop and breathe. I realise that my jurisdiction is NOT final, and that others do their OWN research on what products are healthy/unhealthy for them. I thus commit myself to respect others' perspectives on what products are okay for consumption and what products are not okay for consumption, and to learn from them so that I can then avoid the products and benefit my own physical body.

I commit myself to realise that I can learn from ANYONE/ANYTHING.

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