Sunday, 31 May 2015

Day 439 - Only necessities


Today I did a thorough clean up of my living area. The type of clean up that I'd usually only do if I was moving house. It was actually really enjoyable. I threw out a lot of stuff. A lot of things that I no longer needed. In fact, things that I never needed in the first place. Which brings me to the point of necessities. I see that to avoid this potential cluttering and/or build up of unwanted things, all I have to do is to look at the item that I get/receive/buy, to see if I really require it for now/future, or not. Obviously with items that I buy, then I should be looking at my starting point for buying that item/items.

But I see that this way, I can keep my living area clean/tidy - as opposed to the 'normal' me where I had always thrown things in that corner, other things in another corner, and basically living in a giant mess of my own things. So here I am committing myself to always be aware and look at my starting point of things that I receive, and to either keep them if I see that I need them, OR, INSTANTLY throw them away, as I do not need them - and keeping those things is just creating more work for me/making my living area...potentially un-liveable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look/be aware of everything that I receive, in whatever way/shape/form I receive it/whatever context I receive it, to be able to make a decision instantly whereas I either keep something, or, I get rid of it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to clutter my living area to the point that it gets extremely messy/unorganised, and really just creates more effort when needing to clean/moving location in future.

When and as I see myself in the position/scenario of receiving/having something, and tempted within my mind to just throw it to the side, because I don't want to deal with it at the time/am too LAZY to deal with it at the time, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's simply best to make a decision ON THE SPOT as to whether I keep/delete something - and this avoids clutter in the present/future. I commit myself to make a decision instantly on EVERYTHING that I receive, no matter the size/shape/whatever, because also, that way I am seeing everything that I receive equally as well, and not seeing a piece of paper for instance as something that can be handled later, compared to a book that I may find 'easier' to make a decision on, because I believe that it creates more space than a piece of paper. I realise that all things can lead to clutter, no matter the size. So, I commit myself to treat everything that I receive equally as to be able to make clear decisions on keeping/deleting that thing in the given moment.

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Tuesday, 26 May 2015

Day 438 - Insecurity about misaligned jaw


I see that this insecurity about my misaligned jaw is growing stronger and stronger, so I must see to it now. I'm now starting to notice this aspect of my appearance more and more - and everytime I see it, I think to myself "I look weird." and "I look retarded." - and then I have this fears that others think the same of me when they see my face/mouth/jaw. Okay - so, I see this as purely a physical appearance thing, meaning - nothing is impacted in terms of speech, or in terms of being able to do things. If it were really impacting my life, I could for instance - get it surgically 'corrected' - or whatever need be done.

So, I see that the only reason to have it 'corrected' is just for cosmetic reasons. It is something I'd rather NOT do. I'd rather not have surgery, and pay who knows how much money to be able to afford the surgery/task to rectify/correct my misaligned jaw. So, I see that it's about acceptance, and obviously to stop the beliefs/fears I have of 'looking weird' and 'looking retarded'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as looking weird/retarded when seeing my misaligned jaw/mouth in the mirror/in photos/videos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my misaligned jaw/mouth defines me as an individual and defines who I am am/what I do and any aspect within my life - when it does not in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto and participate within this belief that people with disabilities and related issues/diseases are 'retarded' - and using this word 'retarded' in a negative way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that because of my misaligned jaw/mouth, that this is the reason that I get overlooked when it comes to finding work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not in fact accept the way my jaw/mouth is, despite it being misaligned and not inline/straight as I would 'like' it to be/how I see others' jaws/mouths to be.

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing my jaw/mouth to define me/anything about me within my life, I stop and breathe. I realise that my jaw/mouth does NOT define me as a person, which is the most vital thing within and as my life. Also, I see, realise and understand that my misaligned jaw/mouth does not impact me in terms of health/other facets of my being. Thus, I commit myself to come to acceptance of my misaligned jaw/mouth, and to know that it IS misaligned, but to not hold that against myself through mind participation/backchats of looking 'weird' or 'retarded' within negative energies/vibes. I commit myself to see/accept my misaligned jaw/mouth, and to simply get on with my day, without letting it DIRECT ME and BE ME, because if I do this, I let my misaligned jaw/mouth define me/my being.

And so, I commit myself to simply accept the way that my jaw/mouth is. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that this is what I look like/how my physical appearance looks, and to leave it at that.

When and as I see myself participating within the believe of negativity within my mind that people with clear disabilities, mentally/physically are 'retarded' - I stop and breathe. I realise that my use of the word 'retard' is purely from a starting point of negativity/judgment. And I see, realise and understand that this word is not beneficial to use whatsoever, and so I commit myself to stop using this word to describe myself/any other that I see may be suffering from disabilities of some sort/any problems/issues of some sort. I commit myself to not see one who is apparently 'different' in any way, shape or form as different to myself/separated from myself. I commit myself to learn to accept all, no matter the disability, no matter the alignments of their face/bodies, none is perfect.

When and as I see myself describing myself/another as 'weird' because of their appearance, I stop and breathe. I realise that anyone that I do not see as 'perfect' in terms of appearance/beauty/shape of body and so on, I've come to judge as 'weird' - also in relation to myself. I commit myself to realise that none are 'weird' - all are different, none are perfect, all are individual, and all are the way they are for one reason or another, and there is never an excuse to hold anything against another for how they look/are, because when it comes down to it, I/we all are responsible for what is/what isn't within this world/eachother. And so I commit myself to accept each life form, no matter what the issue/appearance of one may be. I commit myself to accept myself, no matter what the issue/appearance may be.

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Monday, 25 May 2015

Day 437 - Jealous of charm


Today I felt a jealous sense of energy towards another male. I was jealous of his charming demeanor. Hmm. The more I think about it, I was jealous of his laugh. Lol. He laughed quite often when talking to another. Through that, I believed that he was an easy-going person. And a real chilled out/laid back person, which I admire. He wasn't someone who was angry/annoyed, or stressed (in this moment of time at least). But the laugh that occurred quite often was..infectious, now that I see it/remember it.

But despite this 'infection' - it was an element of him that I became jealous at. I've written about laughter before, but what I previously wrote about..was.....basically, forcing myself to laugh, even though it was something, something that someone said for instance, that I did not in fact find funny. So I wrote about how/why I forced laughter. Actually, interesting thing - now that I remember and keep remembering this situation between this person and others who he was conversing with, I see that perhaps HE was forcing laughter. I don't know for sure, and I can't know for sure. I just don't know.

Whether he was forcing laughter or not, I still reacted within jealousy. I do see laughter as a cool thing. The saying is that laughter is the best medicine lol. I think that applies. Obviously not in curing some disease.....just for the 'small' moments perhaps, laughter can make another 'feel' good. Physical laughter though. Physical laughter is the good laughter. Anyway - I saw that I did not laugh nearly as much as this person was. And I saw within myself that I WANTED to laugh as much as this person was laughing.

But whatever..
Each person finds something funny/not funny, it varies by each physical body. One person that finds something funny, another might not find funny at all lol, you just never know. Actually..yeah, earlier I said laughter can make one 'feel' good. This goes to show that I still must work on laughter. Laughter shouldn't make anyone 'feel' good. I mean, if one is feeling 'down' and hears a joke, and laughs, and it makes them feel better - then the laughter is just suppression isn't it? One hasn't/isn't investigating why one was feeling 'down' in the first place.

That reminds me of what I used to do. If I felt depressed/down at some stage, I'd basically jump into bed, put the tv on - and watch hours and hours of 'funny' tv shows. SOOOO, instead of facing the point directly/head on, the point that made me feel depressed/down that is, I suppressed the point by jumping into bed and using these funny tv shows to 'make' myself feel better. That's not cool! I was relying on external things to make self feel better. And it was suppression. Baaaaaaaad.

Umm. So yes. Now I see. When seeing this person laughing constantly, I thought to myself "Jee, that person must be happy and feel good a lot of the time/all the time!" - I thought this because he laughed a lot, and seemed like a jolly person! That jolliness could only be suppression. But either way, I desired that laughter within myself. I thought "If I was laughing that much/constantly, I bet that I would feel happy all of the time!" And within this, I thought that I should just laugh all the time lol. When conversing with another, just laugh. Unless it's serious news/serious topics whereas laughter will not fit..

Or, I could even think up 'funny' things for the SAKE of laughing. Nooooooooooo. Not good. Not cool. Laughter should only be a physical expression. Nothing more, nothing less. I've attached all of this 'meaning' to laughter. Including believing that laughter can make me feel better about things/make me 'forget my worries. Make everything OKAY. No-kay. Not true. In fact, I am sure that a lot of people use laughter as a disguise..
To hide one's problems and issues. I know I have before.

Tomorrow I'll write about meanings/definitions of laughter and what I believed/believe it to be/mean - self-forgiveness/realisations/commitment statements.

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Friday, 22 May 2015

Day 436 - The urge to scratch


Right now, I am dealing with a pretty substantial bout of eczema. I have had it my whole life, but as of a year ago, it was basically GONE. Only recently has it returned. I mean, I've never totally gotten rid of it, but been close. Apart from figuring out the triggers in terms of food/liquids which is obviously vital to stop the eczema from reemerging and growing, here I want to forgive myself for scratching when I get that urge to scratch my eczema. It's a decision that I will make to stop. I have done it before within awareness, but I don't consistently stop each time I have the urge to scratch the eczema, and make it bleed/grow.

So I see this as a good step to take in terms of at least stopping the already existence eczema to stop growing and such.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to scratch my eczema as soon as I feel an urge to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into these urges to scratch, and within this, feel the consequences soon after/later through pain and bleeding.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that I can make a direct decision to NOT scratch the eczema, thus stopping the pain/bleeding, which is vital for my recovery/deleting the eczema.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware EACH and EVERY time that I do/want to scratch the eczema, instead, just doing it automatically, like it's a natural/normal automated action to do. Within this, I see that this action is programmed within and as myself, as I've been scratching eczema/giving into the urge to scratch the eczema since childhood.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind and thus the urge to scratch the eczema, as within the belief that scratching the eczema will manifest a sense of relief within and as myself - when in reality, each time I have proven this to not be the case, as no good ever has come from scratching the eczema, other than SUPER temporary relieve, and then pain/bleeding which of course does not assist my physical body whatsoever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing eczema to grow upon me and damage my physical body, through my own acceptances and allowances within giving into temptation within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see my physical body, and the large amounts of eczema that are on my physical body, and wonder how it got there/got that bad in the first place? Within this, I fail to realise that is ALL down to me, the scratching that I perform to make the eczema this way - it is nobody else's fault/responsibility as to why/how the eczema got as bad as it has.

When and as I see the eczema on my physical body, and seeing it within disgust, I stop and breathe. I realise that this eczema is existent through my own doing, and so I commit myself to use this seeing of the eczema on my physical body as a type of incentive to STOP the growth/allowance within urge to scratch and increase the eczema.

When and as I see myself desiring to give into the urge within my mind to scratch the eczema that is on my physical body, I stop and breathe. I realise that going any further and manifesting the scratching technique/action upon my eczema is the allowance and the giving into the urge/power within my mind to continue/increase the damage within eczema that is already existent upon my physical body. And so, I commit myself to assist the health and relief of/within and as my physical body, through STOPPING any motions that exist from the starting point of relief of the urge to scratch the eczema. I commit myself to not long for that temporary relief, which is in essence, similar to that of drinking to feel more 'confident' or smoking to feel more 'relaxed' - they are but temporary actions of relief, but all have long-lasting health effects that do not assist the physical body, therefore must be stopped and DELETED.

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Thursday, 21 May 2015

Day 435 - Can they hear what I'm doing?


I've been working with this 'uncomfortable' energy, and I felt it again last night, albeit in a totally different context. I was working on my DIP Pro Assignment, and it was going well, I was getting into it and all, and then I sort of froze, like, I lost concentration, and I couldn't continue my assignment. This happened when I heard someone outside of the door to my room. They were sitting on the couch I suspect. They weren't being loud or obnoxious or anything, but just their presence - it made me feel uncomfortable. Lol this sounds weird to me, a lot of my writings sound weird/bizzare to me, but they are points that effect me nonetheless, so I must write them out.

Anyway as I said, I couldn't continue my Assignment, even though I wanted to - it was like "Okay, now that someone is basically outside of my door and can HEAR what I'm doing...I don't want to do it anymore." That is basically how I felt. It sort of brings me back to another writing I did in the past, which was about making my presence known. It's like, I feel like I have to be quiet for the most part, to not interfere perhaps, to not irritate others..

Something like that. But I did realise that it was only things that I did, like, typing, talking. Because, when I went to play loud-ish music last night, it didn't phase me really, as to whether someone was outside of my door or not. So I don't mind other means of sound, just when they come from ME. Okayyy, I'm seeing now that I'm judging my own behavioural mannerisms. The way I am. Hmm, but what specifically..? Lol hmm, I actually am judging myself for being TOO QUIET. That is interesting. So I feel like I should be quiet in the vicinity/presence of others, even though they're not in eyesight, BUT..I am judging myself for being TOO quiet. Lol yes..I'm just remembering back to last night, and I was trying to make my presence known somewhat by perhaps coughing more than I would (I've been ill as of late). Lol. It's funny writing about it.

I have to let go of these judgments. I mean, there is no specific level of volume that I have to abide to, unless obviously it is out of respect for others. But if I'm doing something as simple and quiet as TYPING on my laptop, then what the fuck!? Lol there's no big deal with that. I mean, that task in itself requires and well, IS a quiet task - that is the truth. Others, I see that they are more 'vocal' a lot of the time, even when in their rooms. That could be because, well, I'd say because they are talking to others, either in the same room, or via phone/Skype etc. But that is THEIR prerogative. Yes, I'm definitely comparing myself to these individuals.

If I am typing, for the most part, I am most likely just typing with my fingers. I'm not speaking/using my voice - that is just the way it is! Basic. I don't have to be using my voice 24/7 just because others might do so.

Alright..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for/as being 'too' quiet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself/my behaviour/mannerisms to others, and within this, seeing myself as 'unusual' within belief, and seeing others within belief that are constantly talking and/or loud as 'usual'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within judgment of myself of being 'too' quiet, purposely make noise/sounds for the SAKE of letting another know that I can be/am loud within attempting to 'be' like others who I belief are 'normal' by talking more/being more noisy/louder than I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach positive energies to talking lots/being loud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach negative energies to being quiet/not talking much/making much noise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others find me 'weird' for being quiet whilst in my room/by myself, when in reality this is but a judgment/belief within my mind that I have of myself.

I also see how I am attaching myself being quiet/not talking as indication that I am a loner, and I have feared this tag/label before, and I see that I still do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being a loner, because I keep quiet for the most part, don't make much noise and don't talk lots whilst in the comfort of my own room.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach negative energies/stigmas to enjoying time spent alone with myself, and doing my own things/quiet things such as typing this blog/working on my DIP Pro Assignments.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the 'loner' tag as myself, but to accept WITHOUT the prerequisites/negative energies/stigmas that the label brings/is to society.
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that it doesn't matter how another sees me, whether they do/do not see me as a loner or not, and what stigmas or not they have towards what a loner is/is not - it ONLY matters as to how I see MYSELF - and so stopping the negative connotations that I have within my mind of what a 'loner' is, is key for me to stop judgments towards myself of what I in fact enjoy doing, being alone, not exclusively, but I do enjoy it - whilst others may/may not agree, that is their prerogative.

When and as I see myself fearing how another perceives me in relation to whether I am a 'loner' or not, I stop and breathe. I realise that this fear only indicates that I fear the negative connotations within energies that I've associated with the term 'loner' and within this, judging myself negatively because of these negative connotations that I've attached to what a 'loner' is. So, I commit myself to within and for myself, through seeing enjoyment with self, and what I've learnt, to live the 'loner' life style so to speak, not exclusively, but to enjoy it, as in, enjoying the time that I spend with myself, being able to blog in peace and quiet, with myself, my own company - to enjoy learning about myself, growing, sharing with others through blogging - within this all, I commit myself to not see these fundamental changes as negative, because they are necessary changes. Within this, I commit myself to also apply these lack of negative energies towards other things that I do/enjoy doing alone, like watching a tv show for instance - so, I commit myself to not see time spent alone/with self as a negative thing, as a bad thing - all these things can assist me within life, and I have to 'enjoy' life as well.

I commit myself to not be ashamed of being quiet. I commit myself to simply do what has to be done, what I want to do, what I enjoy doing, and to DO IT - without fearing how much sound I make/do not make, UNLESS obviously as I said, in relation to respecting others, as in...how loud something can/can't be as to not disturb others - that there is a consideration of what is best for all life. I commit myself to just DO. I commit myself to do/take the physical/practical actions/movements, without participating within my mind, and fearing the amount of noise I do/do not make - that is unnecessary.

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Day 434 - In the middle of a feud

Today I saw myself in the position of being in the middle of a feud. I wasn't apart of the feud itself, but I was like the 'go to' person, when the others were despising eachother. I found it pretty uncomfortable. It was sort of frustrating to me, because I saw that these people clearly were not getting on well with one another, but neither made an effort to do anything about it/to clarify and fix the situation. Well, to take self-responsibility for what they had caused/what was happening. I wasn't getting involved. It's up to them to take their own self-responsibility.


But I did find it uncomfortable when each would ignore one another for the most part, and just ask me/talk to me instead. I felt like I was just in an uncomfortable position. Because, in the instance when all of us were talking amongst eachother, I felt like I had to sort of choose sides in a way, I don't know - it was weird. Actually, this same scenario had happened in the past, and at that time, I was 'enjoying' the....feud, the....breakdown in communication, I saw it as 'entertainment'. It's cool that I now see that I want and prefer for there to be PEACE amongst all, not feuds.

Anyway yeah, getting a bit more specific now - I found it uncomfortable, especially when it was all of us together, and we'd all be talking, but both of them were clearly talking to me/eye contact only with me, and just blindsiding eachother. When it should have been all of us talking to eachother. Hmm, so what really made me uncomfortable..? I did belief that I had to choose sides - and it was not what I wanted to do. I'm not on anyone's side, I'm on no side. I wanted to talk to both of these people, obviously I also wanted them to resolve their issues, but that was not something that concerned me, really. I mean, it DID concern me, lol..but it was out of my hands. As I said, it's up to them to take self-responsibility and do what must be done to bring the peace - or, not...if they don't want that.

So - Having to choose sides, a belief that I must do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the belief of needing to choose a side when being in the centre of a feud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest uncomfortability when feeling the need to choose a side, and within this, not saying/doing what I'd usually do/say, because my starting point was being uncomfortable in itself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that choosing a side within the feud will bring what is best for all, when it will do the opposite, and just create more separation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to choose the 'stronger' side, to be able to then 'stick it' to the weaker side.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not act the same as I would with others/whoever I was speaking to, when amongst the feud - because in doing so, I could have perhaps assisted in defusing the feud, or at least, showing that these people CAN effectively communicate/socialise.
Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be the living example of Equality/what is best for all.

When and as I see myself feeling the need to choose a side when at the centre of a feud, I stop and breathe. I realise that putting myself into the feud, or the game, is NOT going to assist ANYONE - and in fact will only create more separation/potentially expand the feud, which is me failing on my mission to bring about what is best for all. And so, I commit myself to not choose a side when amongst a feud, because I know that in doing so, will not assist any. I commit myself to stay central, to stay equal amongst all life, whether in feud or not, and to NOT alter my behaviour/self towards any one person for any reason, because in not altering myself for any people, I am not choosing sides - which is cool.

When and as I see myself in the situation of being amongst the 'feuders' - I stop and breathe, I realise that being amongst the 'feuders' is no reason for alarm, and no reason to feel uncomfortable, unless I participate within the mind and the fear of it being an uncomfortable/awkward situation. I realise that I am only believing the situation to be uncomfortable/awkward when seeing from the eyes of the 'feuders' - which it may/may not be, but no matter what they see/think of the situation, MY OWN situation is a-okay, and so it's not necessary for me to alter how I'd 'usually' act amongst others, because in doing so, I am clearly under the influence of my mind and beliefs. Therefore I commit myself to keep my physical composure at all times, and within all feuds/potential feuds/conflicts, to BE an example, a practical/living example of what is best for all, and also, to PERHAPS bring about some sort of resolution amongst the feud/conflict. So I commit myself to be the keeper of the peace by treating the situation within the conflict, just as I would any other situation/communication with others.

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Wednesday, 20 May 2015

Day 433 - Obligation


Doing something because I believe it's the 'right thing to do'. 2 Instances have recently occurred that can relate to what I believe should be an obligation to do. 1: Going somewhere to see others. I believe that it is my obligation to spend as much time with others as possible. Within this, I believe that it is not cool for me to 'end the night early' by uh, cutting the night short..more on that later. And 2: Actually, this isn't as recent, but recent enough - I got a particular book for my Birthday, a 'self-help' sort of book. About uh, making one's energies flow positively, as opposed to negatively. Okay, at the time I was 'interested' in the book. Okay, that is not true lol. But what I mean is, I ACTED as if I were. I mean, I wasn't going to receive the book and be like "Uhh, no thanks. I already know how 'energy' exists within and as me, I don't need some bullshit positive thinking energy book, thanks."

So self-honestly, I appreciated the gesture of the book. I said to the people who got me the book that I'd read it. I read some of it. And it was somewhat interesting, but not something I see that I'd get 'anything' from, really. I did recently get asked by the people who got me this book, whether I'd read it as of yet - I said I'd read some of it, and I found it interesting. I also said that I'd read more to be able to understand the book more. I'm not going to read the book more - I've read enough lol. I mean, in this instance, is it my obligation to read the whole book? No, it's not. If it's something that I see will not assist me/I'm just not interested in it, then why would I read it? Well, I FEEL/BELIEVE that I should read it, because it was a GIFT.

And within this, I believe it to be 'rude' to just..not read it. But I realise now, that it's best for me to be honest about it. Like, yes, I read the book, but unfortunately, it was not something that I saw as helpful to me, BUT, I appreciate the gesture/consideration of the book/gift - that is something cool that I can say. And I will say that when I see these people next. Otherwise, they may/may not, I don't know for sure - but they may still be expecting something from me/more information from me in regards to the teachings of the book - when I've already made a DECISION to NOT read the book anymore.

OKAY. I've focused on that example only, really - the other one that I started writing out was about cutting my night short. I believed that because I told others that I'd meet them somewhere, that it was only 'right' for me to stay out with them as long as possible, or, for a long-ish time at least. And I would have, BUT, within this outing, the live band that was playing was far too loud for my physical body. I say this, because my ears were hurting a lot, as was my head. I couldn't stand being at this place for long - so I left. Through this, I see that I have to look at my starting point of going to this place, where music was expected - and to see whether that is something I want to be apart of or not. But also, I see within this instance, despite me telling others I'd hang out with them and all, if it means to damage my physical body, then fuck that! I'm not going to pretend to enjoy my night for the sake of it, and just allow damage to be done unto myself - that is not cool, that is suppression! I stayed at this place for longer that I should have, really, despite me leaving fairly early.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach all these 'strings' within beliefs to what an obligation is and entails.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore what is best for myself/best for all, just to remain focused upon doing the obligation that I believe within my mind to be best.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within what I believe is 'morally' right/not right to do, and within this, manifest these rights/wrongs within obligation to do something that I believe is okay/not okay to do, even though it may/may not be what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at my starting point for doing something, to then be able to make an informed/aware decision to do something/not do something based upon the outcome of the decision that I make - so that I don't have to be in this position of 'feeling' the need to do something/not do something when it happens.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow 'being nice' to exist within and as me, by doing something just to 'appear nice' - despite it being suppression in reality, as it is not something that is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest obligations within and as myself, by telling someone that I'm going to do something, which causes them to expect something from me, all because I SAID I'd do something, despite me not wanting to/not going to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not say what I REALLY want to/don't want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just always want to do the 'kind' thing within manifesting an action/word, to 'please' another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that one just wants to hear something 'kind' as opposed to the TRUTH/what is real/what is fact, reality and practical.

When and as I see myself wanting/needing to make a decision based on what another says to me, and unsure what my decision 'should' be, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's vital for me to take the time and be aware as to make a decision that benefits all. I realise that to make a decision hastily will not assist anything. And so, I commit myself to after deliberation, make a decision that I can STAND BY, and that I can LIVE - and within this, as to not get myself into a situation that I didn't actually want to be in, so - I commit myself to make sure that what I manifest in words/actions is something that is real/beneficial for all - to stick by that decision.

When and as I see myself in the process of wanting/needing to make a decision based on what another says to me, and I desire to do something that is exclusively what I perceive to be what is 'kind' to another, I stop and breathe. I realise that to only do/make a decision based on what is 'kind' or what pleases another, is bullshit, because it's not real. I realise also that if I'm making a decision that is just based on pleasing another/being kind to another, and what I say is going to come back and haunt me/another, then the act of doing something to be kind/please another was obviously the incorrect move to make. So again, I commit myself to look at all dimensions as to make an informed decision, and within this, to be able to attain obligations that I created based upon what I say/do - it all starts with myself, what I do/say, so it's vital for me to be able to live/stick to my actions/words, and to thus avoid consequences/issues in future in regards to the decisions that I make.

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Monday, 18 May 2015

Day 432 - I can't hear myself talk!


I went to a pub on the weekend, mainly to see a band. I hadn't been to a pub in a long time/or seen a band, so I was looking forward to seeing some live music. I got there and it was quite crowded. I was speaking to some people that I knew, and I could barely hear myself talking to them, and within this, could barely hear others talking to me. I got frustrated. I want to be able to communicate effectively/with clarity at ALL times. And all this banter/noise was not allowing me to do so. Even more than ever though, I saw that I really disliked being in this position. I wanted to communicate with others, and this environment was making it almost impossible to do so.

AND THEN the band started playing, and it was SO LOUD. I see that this could also be because I'm more aware of everything within my practical environment than I ever used to be. It was so loud lol. I was actually in another room when the band started playing and even then, it was very loud. Then I went to join some people about...10 metres infront of the band - WOAH. My ears/head fucking killed! I could only sustain 20 minutes of it. Actually, I really should have left earlier. I shouldn't have put my physical body/senses through that audio onslaught.

Anyway - I want to write about here WHO or WHAT I was frustrated at when I saw that I could not hear myself talk. I was frustrated towards the people. The people talking, and the people who were playing the music in the background. I saw that if it was up to me, the place would be silent lol, or perhaps just very low-level music. But, it's for me to realise that a pub does not usually assume a silence. It is usually a fairly loud and 'alive' place. Same as clubs - which I do not want to attend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as frustration towards people talking and people operating the pub/the music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire a silent place/a quiet place - when in reality, I knew what I was in for when I decided to go to a pub.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to yell in another's ear to assist in them hearing what I had to say - failing to realise that the fact that I had to resort to yelling directly in another's ear, proves that REALLY, this place was NOT ideal for communication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act within self-interest, when and as I saw myself desiring only myself and the people I knew to be at the pub, and thus reducing the noise that random people were making - thus being able to perhaps hear myself talk/hear others talk and be able to communicate effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility for my failure to see/understand the environment of the pub and what it entails in terms of noise volume.

When and as I see myself acting within self-interest by desiring only the people I KNOW to be at the pub, thus reducing noise levels, I stop and breathe. I realise that this desire of only wanting people that I know in the pub, is not what is best for all - it is purely an act of self-interest and thus it is not supportive for anyone. I commit myself to see that all would have had this 'issue' of not being able to hear themselves talk/others talk - it is NOT just my issue, it is a 'general' issue - and it is an 'issue' that one/I must foresee within attending a pub.

When and as I see myself participating within frustration towards others talking/people who run the pub, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's vital for all, including myself, to at least know the basics of what to expect when attending a pub - and that is usually music, and people. Put them together and one gets NOISE. Obviously noise levels depend on the amount of people and so on, so can't be pinpoint in terms of the exact amount of noise to expect. But within this, I commit myself to expect the unexpected, and to expect the expected - to at least expect some degree of noise/sound, and thus within this, to make a decision beforehand on whether I want to attend an event at a place where I know/have a good idea that sound/noise will be present in some degree.

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Saturday, 16 May 2015

Day 431 - Asking for assistance/clarification


Fear of looking 'stupid'. I fear asking for assistance/clarification about things, because I fear looking 'stupid'. I believe in this context, a 'stupid' person to be someone who does not understand something, and therefore, requires assistance/clarification. I was thinking of one moment in particular where I have not asked for assistance/clarification, because of a fear of looking 'stupid' - but now that I think about it, there are many times where I have ignored asking for assistance/clarification.

And also, the times that I DO ask for assistance/clarification, I judge myself as being stupid. And to avoid this self-judgment, I just basically HOPE that I understood something/someone - which is NOT ideal, at all. It reminds me of some job training that I did in the last week - where someone told me to not be scared to ask questions. I remember hearing this advice a lot throughout my life actually. And it definitely makes sense. It's best to KNOW for sure about how to do something/what to do about something, rather than have an 'inkling' of an idea, and do it incorrectly, and cause consequences and such. Now which method looks 'stupid'?

So, it's definitely best for me to ask questions, and within this assistance/clarification - from here on out, I'll just refer to these words as 'assistance'. They all fall under the assistance field as far as I know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear asking another for assistance, because I participate within the belief that one that asks for assistance is 'stupid'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I'm 'stupid' for not understanding something in the first place, as in, when it was told to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame/judge myself for the moments when I don't understand another correctly, realising that it does not instantly mean that I for instance am not aware in the moment, because I realise/remember moments whereas I could not understand someone, because I was not 'familiar' with one's accent - and also, at times one does not explain things efficiently for me to understand it the first time. Not to go into blame, but just not to instantly blame self for not understanding something instantly. I commit myself to see, realise and understand where/why I did not understand something efficiently the first time, to prevent it happening again.

When and as I see myself believing that it is 'stupid' for one to seek assistance in regards to something that they are not quite sure of, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's always best to be absolutely sure of something, to thus do it correctly/efficiently, and to avoid consequences. Within this, I realise that consequences are in fact MORE likely to occur if one does NOT seek assistance, and instead, basically does something/heeds words without the faintest idea of how to do something. And so, I commit myself to AVOID potential consequences and/or lessen the consequences dramatically and within this, assist and support myself/others, by seeking assistance about things that I am not sure of - because this practically assists all, and possibly others who are perhaps fearful of seeking assistance, as I have been - because of beliefs that one will look 'stupid' if they seek further assistance and/or do not understand something instantly. And within this, I commit myself to be a voice of reason so to speak, in giving others that 'perspective' that it's cool to seek further advice about things, and to show others that it does not make one look 'stupid' whatsoever, unless they believe that to be the case.

Image sourcce

Friday, 15 May 2015

Day 430 - Race


Something that I've noticed within myself, when in the presence of someone in particular who has black skin - I've seen how when I talk to them about past relationships and such, I almost always ask about whether they were white/black/Asian and so on. And not just in relation to relationships, just generally, if they and I are speaking about others, I like to know what their background is. This person the other day asked me "Why? Why does it matter?" And it made me realise that it does not matter. No, it doesn't matter where one is born/what their background is/the colour of their skin - not at all. And so, why do I want to know then?

And why do I only bring up the background of another when talking to another who does not have white skin? I see this as a problem within my programming. I see it as separation. For one, I don't care if someone is whatever they are, I don't care where they are from - yet I see that I'm still talking to this person from the starting point of separation, I see no other reason as to why I care if their relationships involve someone who is white/black or whatever. It's separation, as in..well, I'm treating this person differently, because of the colour of their skin. I'm not 'intending' to be racist or anything, but I just somewhat 'unwillingly' ask about these relationships regarding one's origins.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask questions about another who has different coloured skin to me, about their past relationships in regards to the background of those people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'want' to know about another's past relationships and where they are from etc, based on seeing this person as 'different' to me based purely on skin colour.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat another differently to 'what I'm used to seeing' in terms of usually seeing white people, as opposed to black people - and within this, participating within separation when asking another different questions in comparison to what I'd ask the 'usual' people that I see.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to know the background etc of one for no apparent reason at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and potentially come to conclusions within my mind based on the answer I receive as to one's background etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place others in categories differing dependent on the colour of their skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become 'used to' being/seeing one particular race, and within this, thus seeing other races and treating other races differently just because I'm 'not used' to being/seeing them - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this as an excuse as to why I treat/possibly treat different races differently - there is NO excuse/reason to treat ANYONE/ANYTHING differently, no matter what.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define another based on the colour of their skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing race to be the starting point within my mind of whether I treat another a certain way or not.

When and as I see myself treating another differently based upon a starting point within my mind of the colour of one's skin, I stop and breathe. I realise that it is NEVER okay to treat another differently in ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM based on something as MEANINGLESS as the colour of one's skin. I realise that the colour of one's skin ONLY shows the origins of one - THAT IS ALL - anything else is BULLSHIT MIND PROGRAMMING and BRAINWASHING - which equates and manifests itself as RACISM and VIOLENCE and DEATH - these must be abolished. I commit myself to NOT live/participate within and as SEPARATION and seeing/treating another differently based upon their race. I commit myself to see my fellow human as another compatriot in this world that them and myself live on. I commit myself to see my fellow human as identical to me, as they are, apart from their origins which are shown and manifest themselves via the colour of one's skin. I commit myself to see a human physical body, and see the bones and the organs and the blood underneath the skin.

I commit myself to NOT allow any type of separation bullshit within my mind in regards to race.

When and as I see myself being 'accustomed' to being with/seeing ONE type of race and within this, then treating others that 'I'm not used to' DIFFERENTLY, I STOP AND BREATHE. I realise that this is simply NOT ON. And I realise that the allowance of this is the allowance of myself to exist as a programmed life who does NOT CONSIDER WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL. I realise that ANY SINGLE LITTLE THING/WAY that I treat another based upon their race is PURE SEPARATION and the PROOF that I am STILL a programmed being conforming to my programming and within brainwashing. And thus, I commit myself to WORK on this area of myself in relation to ALL races/colours/origins - and to LOOK AT and be aware of ANY SINGLE TIME that I am/am about to treat another differently than I would when compared to treating what I'm 'used to' and to within this, STOP MYSELF from saying/doing something otherwise, as to be able to learn/change myself into what is best for all, regardless in every way, shape and form as to one's race.

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Thursday, 14 May 2015

Day 429 - Breasts part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see breasts as a purely sexual part of the body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing breasts to have this apparent 'power' over me/who I am, whereas I allow myself to change in a moment of seeing cleavage, and then acting within an obsessive mind-personality, obsessed with the breasts and in turn, the person who has the breasts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept breasts as another part of the human physical body, and that is all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat another differently in accordance with how much cleavage they show, or anything related to one's breasts, the size and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the system as a programmed being who is clearly still being of the sex system/sex society - and within this, allowing myself to become altered through sexualised images/media/advertising.

When and as I see myself in the moment of feeling a power within my mind and then wanting to manifest this said power through altering my physical self in accordance to seeing breasts, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's vital for me to not allow this 'power' to overtake and become me, because then I am just another slave to the sex system within advertising/brainwashing. I commit myself to STOP any energies that I see/feel are appearing within my mind in accordance with seeing breasts, by telling myself to BE HERE and to STAY HERE. Within this, I commit myself to accept general breasts as another body part of one's human physical body, instead of seeing them as an object of sexual fantasy within my mind.

When and as I see myself believing breasts to exist 'just for men' basically, I stop and breathe. I realise that this belief is somewhat programmed within and as me and brainwashed within and as me, as a man, and seeing breasts as some luxurious part of the female body that is magnificent. I commit myself to thus STOP this programming of seeing breasts as a sexual enticement for men only, and to instead, see breasts for what they are. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that breasts are vital for feeding/nurturing of newborn babies. I commit myself to appreciate the human female physical form within sex, but to NOT allow it to alter/dictate who I am as a stable life-form.

I commit myself to not treat people differently dependent on the size of their breasts/how much cleavage they show, because this in itself is up to the individual, and it's none of my business what one does to/for their body.

I commit myself to treat all the same, and to accept that each has different body parts/features/sizes/lengths, dependent on a myriad of factors - and that is simply how life is/is born.

Image source

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

Day 428 - Breasts




I made a quick video about this topic too which I'll attach later. But I'll give context here. So, I was chatting to another online, when they sent me a picture of themselves. I was INSTANTLY drawn to the amount of cleavage that was being shown. That was not the intended purpose (as far as I know) - but I saw this as not cool. Also, because after I saw the picture, my whole being changed. It was so easy to see. Having said that, I would not have taken any notice of this change within and as myself in the past, so having these references points and newfound awareness of when I change in a moment is super helpful and I have Desteni and all that is associated with Desteni to thank for this - within my own self-application too of course.

Anyway back to the point at hand, as I said, I changed in that moment - and I started wanting to make sure of what I typed back to this person, and what I said about the photo itself. And why? I saw that I wanted to make an impression so to speak. It was like "Mm cleavage/breasts! Now to turn on the style." Lol. I didn't end up physically turning on the style, I stopped myself from doing so, which was good, but still, I had that desire to make an impression after I saw that my being was super attracted to this person within this moment.

Andd, it brings me the point of breasts. You'd have to be living under a rock to avoid the fact that within society, and within society for a long time, breasts are/have been hyper sexualised. Especially geared towards men, a lot of men would say that breasts are their favourite part of the female body. I also realise that the fact that breasts are seen as a sacred body part, and the need for them to be hidden and such, it adds this type of excitement within myself and within others, this excitement of seeing what's underneath the bra lol. That is what I've found. Because like, for me, I see a glimpse of cleavage, and it's like "Now I want to see all!"

It's really the same with our whole physical bodies. Some parts, genitals, breasts - they are seen as sacred. I mean, for the most part, one that shows these features in all their glory in public, well, it's just not on. It's illegal. And consequences will apply. It's actually disappointing. If we as society were NOT as focused on sex, and everything sex, then we'd be much more accepting of our bodies, as we should. We shouldn't have to fear talking about our genitals. Or fear talking about our breasts. Or have to hide them. I mean, I've seen articles about tribes and they are basically naked the whole time. They don't just fuck eachother the whole time. I see that a lot of these tribes are accepting of the human physical form. Animals are naked. Insects too. And we raise no qualms about them. Funny that.

Tomorrow I'm going to write about my obsession with breasts from the perspective of seeing breasts purely as a SEXUAL body part. They are NOT a sexual body part. Breasts are important for the supplementation of milk to newborn children. Yeah, they can be stimulated for sexual gratification/satisfaction, but for one to see them as ONLY that - ha, that's a joke, really.

Image source

Monday, 11 May 2015

Day 427 - Keeping people waiting


This coincides with the manifestation of a dry lip that I occasionally get. I'm sure there will be more patterns within myself that manifest a dry lip. So yeah, I basically get dry lips a lot of the time. And I've been seeing recently how stress and such is the cause/causes. Today I was serving a customer, and because of my own doing, I incorrectly teared off an eftpos receipt and caused a malfunction of the eftpos machine. I immediately went into a panic within my mind, and was apologising continuously to the customer, as I was trying to fix the problem. I fixed it eventually, but as soon as I saw the malfunction occurring, I just went straight into a panic. And thoughts of "Fuck, why is this happening!?" And "Shit, this customer is going to be pissed off now."

Yes, I see that my starting point should have been to be aware and to slow down in the moment. To avoid this situation occurring. Like, I should have been more careful/considerate tearing off the receipt, thus to avoid the malfunction occurring in the first place. I wasn't in this instance, and suffered the consequences. The manifested consequences, dry lips. And visible dry flakes on my lips.

I have had issues with this eftpos machine before. So it was not the first time. And others have issues with it as well. So I see that I shouldn't be 'hating on' myself for this. But I do have to work with what is available. And I see that yeah, I have to be as slow as possible in tearing off this receipt, to avoid malfunction and to avoid keeping customers waiting, and to avoid manifested dry lips.

But I want to forgive myself for participating within this panic/fear/stress when and as I saw the malfunction, and the backchats of the customer being angry at me for having to wait.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within fear/panic/stress within my mind, when and as I see that something of my own doing fucks up, and the customer now has to wait for me to rectify a situation. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush anything that I do, whether it be for a customer/myself/anything, and in this instance, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush something that I knew prior, was not the most appropriate piece of equipment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately upon seeing that something I did caused an issue, participate right then and there within a fear/backchats of what will happen next, and what have I done, and also backchats of angering customers/people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not come to terms with the fact that mistakes can/do happen, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that it's up to MYSELF to rectify the problem, both at the time, and within my writings/physical and practical application, as to stop the potential problem occurring again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the self-belief that others are immediately pissed off and angry at me upon me fucking something up. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be too hard on myself and blame myself within negativity/anger within my mind, instead of simply accepting what has happened, rectify it, and learn from it to avoid it happening again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not slow down in the process of me rectifying the situation/malfunction that occurs, thus being able to fix it faster, and allow others/myself to move onto others things faster, instead of manifesting fear/stress/panic through dry lips, and fumbling around/making more of a mess.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not learn from my mistakes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act as if one mistake that I make, is similar to basically destroying the world, whereas I make such a huge deal out of something so minuscule. Within this, I realise that I make the mistake a HUGE deal within my mind, and within fear/stress/panic and manifested consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see the mistake as solely a physical thing. Whereas I can then see why something happened, and how to fix it, without fixing it from a starting point of fear/stress/panic which merely results again, in fumbling and MORE fear/stress/panic.

When and as I see that something of my own doing causes a malfunction/mistake of some sort, I stop and breathe. I realise that there is NO good in immediately then going into a state of fear within my mind. I realise that any participation within my mind and thus fear at this stage does NOT assist me WHATSOEVER, and I realise that in fact, allowing this fear-participation will ONLY make the whole situation worse. Thus, I commit myself to just STOP immediately upon making a mistake. I commit myself to breathe. I commit myself to see why/how/where the problem happened, and I commit myself to rectify it if possible. I commit myself to NOT participate within the belief that others are now for instance angry at me for me slowing them down. I commit myself to see that what's done is DONE, and thus the only thing to do now is to rectify the situation from a starting point of physical/practical application, thus being able to fix the mishap asap for what is best for all.

When and as I see myself wanting to compare a mistake that I made to DESTROYING THE WORLD, I stop and breathe. I realise that I am PRE-PROGRAMMED to make any mistake, any mishap, a MASSIVE ISSUE WITHIN MY MIND, when in practical/physical REALITY, the mistake is nothing but a tiny mishap, a tiny thing, a tiny deal, and NOT AT ALL what my mind sees it as. And thus I commit myself to see any mistake/mishap that I make as JUST WHAT IT IS, from the starting point of physical/practical reality. I commit myself to also rectify the mistake from the starting point of physical/practical reality.

When and as I see myself participating within the belief that because of a mistake that I made, people that were waiting for me to do something are now full of rage/hate me, I stop and breathe. I realise that this idea of others being full of rage and hating me is only a belief that I have of others within my mind. And thus I commit myself to then see that it's not real/legitimate, and that it is in fact false. I commit myself to not allow myself to be blinded by my beliefs. I commit myself to purely and at all times, see the situation through my PHYSICAL eyes, to see what has to be done, and how to do so for what is best for all life, always.

Image source

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Day 426 - Cat punching

Souce 1
Source 2

I can see that the intent of any persons to create this Facebook page/event, and depict pictures/videos of cats suffering cruelty at the hands of humans, is but a means to SHOCK. To seek attention. And obviously they've gotten that now. Negative attention for the most part, but attention nonetheless. A cat can't fend for itself against a full grown human. Or, a human at all. It's a cowardice act to inflict violence on any life. There are many similar stories of animal cruelty, and unfortunately, only some get uncovered/heard of amongst society.

This is where I see that mainstream media has to REPORT these acts. I can't say that I've personally ever been watching news on the tv, and seen reports of animal cruelty reported. The focus in mainstream media appears to be based around humans. Tragedies involving humans. Or acts of kindness shown by humans. So within this, I already see that humans are considered by the average person to be the ultimate life-form. And animals? Well, they are seemingly just put aside. Why is that? Because they don't speak? Or, at least not in a language that humans can understand. Hey, I'm sure if we could understand animals, we would be in a HELL of a lot better position than we currently are, listening to our fellow humans/following them, and fucking up our world/our position in the world - that's what we get for following the powers in society blindly.

So, this is one method I see of at least raising more awareness of these acts amongst society. Making it a common news topic throughout ALL mainstream news. It's necessary for these big companies to have a starting point of considering all life. Not only humans. We already hear about murders/robbings/rapes inflicted upon humans, Us humans need to be a voice for animals, for the life that we can't directly talk to/understand.

Thank you.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Day 425 - Not engaging enough


Following on from yesterday's blog, I see that another reason as to why I dislike answering another's questions/making statements, is because I fear that when I talk, I'm not engaging enough and within this, not interesting enough. And I fear that myself not being engaging enough/not interesting enough, will make people not want to talk to me.

So, what do I see as engaging conversation/interesting conversation? Apart from the obvious, being the topic that people discuss - I see the tone. The tone of the voice. And I see my own voice tone as being...'plain' I suppose. Like, I see that usually, I stick to one tone of voice during conversation with others. But for me, I see this as a stability point. I see that the more 'stable' I become within and as myself, like, it's the need to NOT have to for instance, raise my voice, things like that. Or put any 'effects' onto my voice when and as I say something.

And of course, I see now that emotions/feelings made my voice come out in different tones. Like, an angry tone would be more loud for me, and more 'aggressive'. And also within that, my face would change, it would strain to show anger/aggression.

So I actually see it as cool to be able to have ONE voice/ONE tone. It doesn't mean I must stick to absolutely one tone/voice for life. I'm just saying for the most part, generally - I see it as cool within stability to be able to stick to a singular tone. And I see that it really does show stability within oneself, because it's like, whatever situation arises for whatever reason, one is able to remain CALM, and able to within this, remain stable, no matter what obstacle will arise - I see that as cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not engaging enough/not interesting enough when conversing with others, based on the tone of my voice staying the same/similar at all times.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I must alter my voice tone to highs and lows to keep another engaged/interested in what I have to say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that within living stability, a singular tone/voice has become apparent within myself, and to also see, realise and understand thus that I am able to remain calm/stable and show this through speaking the same tone, through NOT needing to raise my voice within ANGER, or other emotions/feelings. So I see that stability equates to having a singular voice tone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see/hear others using different voice tonalities, perhaps in an apparent move to engage/interest others, and desire to 'copy' this behaviour purely as a means of wanting to do the same, to engage/interest others through constant changing of my voice tonality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complicate conversations with others, through participating within a self-created dilemma of whether I should change my voice tonality or not, instead of allowing my self-expression/natural expression to show within how I act/what I say/how I say it - within a stable framework.

When and as I see myself judging my voice tonality as not engaging enough/not interesting enough to be able to hold conversation/engage/interest another, I stop and breathe. I realise that I was ONLY born with ONE voice. Sure, it may have gotten deeper with age/changed due to various matters, and due to emotions/feelings that I participated in, but generally, I've had but ONE voice tone my whole life. And I realise that throughout my life, emotions/feelings have impacted the tonality of my voice, to make it appear in highs/lows and so on, and I believe these apparent changes of my voice tonality to be engaging/interesting. I commit myself to not desire to use emotions/feelings purely to desire to engage/interest others through showing a different voice tonality. I commit myself to stop the belief within myself that voice tonality alteration is NECESSARY/MANDATORY to engage/interest others, instead of seeing, realising and understand that within stability, I am in fact ABLE to live/show stability through sticking to ONE tone for the most part, because within this, I don't see/feel the need to alter my tone from the starting point of emotions/feelings and thoughts.

I commit myself to use my stable/natural voice tone when conversing with others. I commit myself to remain a calm/stable life. 

Day 424 - Fearing the 'spotlight'


As I was conversing with another today, I saw I was 'okay' when asking another questions - but, when it came to being asked questions, I felt like the spotlight had turned onto me - and I somewhat crumbled under this apparent spotlight-like pressure. I also see now how this is why I feel much more comfortable asking another questions, rather than saying something, like a statement. I can't rely on questions purely or questions moreso, to be able to converse with others. I see that a balance is needed - questions/statements.

And I see that I have to let go of this 'apparent' or more like, self-created pressure-feeling when answering another's questions/making statements. I mean, I see that with questions, it's like, well, I don't have to say much, and also I see here that it's like "Okay, I've come up with the question, I've now turned the spotlight onto YOU." Almost like it's a game of sorts. Like WHAT THE FUCK. What a stupid game ha. Conversing is NOT a game. It's not a competition. It's to build things, relationships, to learn things, to gain things, to grow. It's not about saying more or less than another - that is not how conversation assists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply a self-created spotlight during conversations, whereas I see that the one asking questions is the spotlight-operator, whilst the person answering has the spotlight and PRESSURE on them - which is but a belief I have within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stick almost solely to QUESTIONS only when conversing with another, based purely on a fear of being in the spotlight by making statements or answering another's questions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be one within and as equal-based conversations, through being able to question and answer/make statements - thus having a balance.

Something I also see as a reason for why I don't like making statements/answering one's questions, is because I see that I'm not 'engaging' enough to keep another interested in what I have to say. I see that this is yeah, why I try to make my statements/answers short, so the other person doesn't have to 'endure' my UN-engaging statements/answers.

I'll write about the above in my next blog entry..

When and as I see myself during the act of conversing with another, place a self-created spotlight onto either myself, or others that I'm talking to - I stop and  breathe. I realise that conversation is not a game, it's not a competition. It's the act, the benefit of growth, of learning and of building relationships. Thus, I commit myself to DITCH the self-created spotlight that I carry when conversing with others, and I commit myself to make statements towards others, AND to question others, but NOT to 'think' about what I'm doing more, and/or asking more questions based purely on any 'spotlight' that I hold.

I commit myself to allow conversation to flowwwww naturally. To literally just let it happen, physically/practically. To not participate within any thoughts that appear within my mind, to not allow thoughts to define what I do/do not say/how I act/do not act. I commit myself to speak how I see fit. I commit myself to speak how I see fit pertaining to the conversation at hand.

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