Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Day 451 - The desire to look older


I've written about this in the past, but see that there are more dimensions to it. Why do I want to look older? I suppose I believe that looking older and/or being older GENERALLY signifies MATURITY. As I write that, I see that this is DEFINITELY not always the case, but for the most part, I believe it to be the case. Maturity, what is maturity?

Definition.
the state, fact, or period of being mature.

Mature Definition.
fully developed physically; full-grown.

(especially of a young person) having reached a stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult.

used euphemistically to describe someone middle-aged or old.

Fully developed physically; full-grown, check.
Having reached a stage of mental or emotional development characteristic of an adult? Well, this can be scratched. Adults learn how to suppress feelings/emotions, rather than children for instance who just let it all out so to speak.

So, maturity, mature. There is nothing that says that 'I am not mature'. Well, not by definition. My mind on the other hand IS telling me that I am not mature, that I am immature, the beliefs.

If I look at my own belief of maturity/being mature, it's being accomplished somewhat, it's being focused upon one's job for instance, one's career, and at the same time as these things, it's DELETING for the most part, that 'fun' side of one, it's an admittance that because of my adult age, I can no longer enjoy myself, I can no longer have fun, I MUST be serious within just about every facet of my life.
Come on, fuck that! But shit, yes. This is very true from what I see within myself. Even growing up, I used to hesitate, like.. "Shit, I'm nearly 19, my 'fun' years/times are ahead of me." Or, "Now that I'm nearly 19, I have to change who I am/what I am/how I present myself, for myself and everyone, I have to focus on my career, on money, on succeeding, otherwise I am a failure in life."

Shittttt. Pretty crazy reading this back and seeing how much pressure I put upon myself! All through this mind participation, the beliefs, the fears, wow. I wasn't in the moment, in the here, in the now. I was preoccupied with all of this shit, thinking I Must act this way, or that way. Fearing how others see me at this age. Being disappointed that I can no longer have 'fun' or enjoy myself. Christ, There is NO age that one MUST stop having fun, that one must stop enjoying oneself. Obviously, the job, the money, that is mandatory for survival, that comes first, but to delete the fun/the joy/the enjoyment from my life purely to put EVERY ONE OF MY RESOURCES into my career, my job, the money I earn, that is just being OF the system. That is basically how people in society act/are. I see people on trains, they are depressed, they are half asleep for goodness sake, they are  applying their make-up to look this way or that way. MOST of them are just forcing themselves to go to work. And I see that it becomes such a huge part of their life, that they don't know otherwise, they forgot how to enjoy themselves/how to have fun, they forget how to LIVE.

It's really disappointing what we've allowed ourselves to exist within and as. All are responsible, whether we like it/accept it or not.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll continue with this.

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Friday, 19 June 2015

Day 450 - Different personalities/personas for 'different' people


I've written about this before, but want to write about it more. I still myself engaging myself in/as different behaviours/personalities/personas based upon the 'title' that one has in relation to me, whether it be 'friends'/'family'/strangers'/'people I work with' and so on. I'm still yet to reach this me that can be stable as ONESELF and stable within and as myself no matter who the company is/what the 'title' is. I'm definitely getting there, but see that I need to write more as I now am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as different/various personalities/personas/behaviours based upon the 'title' that one has in relation to me, such as friends/family/strangers/people I work with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing one's apparent 'title' to be the starting point as to HOW I treat another/how I am in relation towards another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see, realise and understand that all of the people within these labels are all LIFE, and thus are NO different from one another and myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as/use the phrasing of 'family comes first' and within doing so, ignore someone who is not 'family' specifically for that very reason and lack of the 'family' title.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT use the title of 'life' for ALL life/walks of life, instead of 'grouping' different people based upon titles/labels and in doing so, participate within separation by treating each differently and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that there is only 'one' way for me to act infront of friends, one way for me to act in front of family, strangers and people that I work with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I have to change this 'one' way/method of treating another dependent on this 'label' I assign to them and change how I am within fitting this 'one' way/method, again, dependent on this label that I assign to them.

More to come

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Thursday, 18 June 2015

Day 449 - Boundaries in meeting new people


Are there specific/particular ways that I can meet new people? Of course not, but I've been under the delusion/illusion that there are only specific/particular ways of meeting new people, which has really hindered and/or limited the new people that I could be meeting each day if I wanted to. There are no limits to anything in life. But, it's funny that I find myself 'obeying' all of these limitations without even considering why these limitations exist! I'm slowly breaking these limitations, but am doing so context to context, so this limit breaking has to do with meeting new people.

For me personally, most of my friends are people that I met originally at school. But obviously there's nothing (unless I allow it) stopping me from making friends/meeting new people in a work environment, in a public place, on the train, on the bus, in a park, WHEREVER. Like, sometimes I've desired to talk to someone whilst on the train that is situated near me, but I then participate in backchats of "What if they think I'm weird for talking to them, what if they find it creepy/unusual/odd?" And, they MIGHT. But, I can't allow that to stop me from doing so. Plenty of people have spoken to me in public areas, and on trains. And it was cool. Even if only a short chat, was still cool.

I remember not long ago when I was with another on the train, and someone started talking to us. We ended up chatting for 20 minutes about various subjects. It was very cool. And I learnt a lot! So here on out I commit myself to stop hindering my prospects.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place boundaries on the areas as to where I talk to/meet new people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that new people/potential companions can only be met in CERTAIN/particular/specific locations/areas.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to not give myself/another the opportunity of conversation/meeting one another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself from talking to another, because of the belief/fear that that person will see the talking to of them by me as 'weird' and 'unusual'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that this belief/fear of another seeing another talk to them in certain areas as weird/unusual, is only a belief that I have about the act of doing so - when it is in fact not 'weird' or 'unusual' to do so, and is in fact a COOL thing to do.

This obviously falls under the title of treating all equally, but I still find myself treating others differently depending on the label that I've assigned to them, such as family, friends and 'randoms'. It's just like putting on a different persona/personality dependent on the title that I give to another, and it's not cool to do this. It doesn't matter what title one exists as, if there has to be a title at all. Sure, family is family, and friends are friends, but life is life. And I'm life. All is life. So, fuck labels. Fuck titles.
I'll write about this next time.

When and as I see myself desiring to talk to another in public and have backchats that it is a weird/unusual thing to do, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm the one that has these particular backchats of talking to a 'stranger' being weird/unusual, which is why I end up saying nothing at all to another. So, I commit myself to see the coolness of talking to another and getting to know them/their story and/or learning from them. I commit myself to see the opportunity of talking to another, and to just DO IT, without these backchats within my mind of 'what ifs' and beliefs that I have of the act of talking to someone I don't know previously as weird/unusual.

When and as I see myself believing that there are only specific/particular places that I can meet new people, I stop and breathe. I realise that there are in fact NO limits/boundaries as to where I can/cannot meet new people. I realise that these 'conventions' of only meeting new people in particular places is due to society in general and the way I was brought up, it also has to do with the workings of my mind which stop me from doing what I'd 'ideally' like to do and that is to meet new people wherever possible. So, I commit myself to 'break' conventions that I have and/or conventions that I've been brought up on, so as to do as I see fit within meeting new people and the cool things that can come from doing so, learning, sharing and so on.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that the learning that takes place between life is mutual and not just a 'one way street' as in me learning from another and them not learning from myself.
I commit myself to teach others, as they teach me. I commit myself to learn from others, as they learn form me.

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Wednesday, 17 June 2015

Day 448 - Fear of being seen as 'bossy' - Leader


I brought this up within my previous writings of fearing being a leader, and this particular aspect of being a leader also came up, this fear of being seen as 'bossy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'telling people what to do'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that telling people what to do will make others 'dislike' me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that dependent on the context of where I am as a leader, it may be up to me to make these decisions in regards to telling others what to do, and so within this, it's to not see this aspect of being a leader as 'bad' - but to see it really as someone has to do it.

When and as I see myself fearing that others will dislike me if I were to tell them what to do within being a leader, I stop and breathe. I realise that this aspect of leadership, dependent on context, may be necessary, but my starting point of 'telling others what to do' must be clear/stable so that I'm not 'telling others what to do' for my own self-interest and/or to feel like 'the one in charge' for instance. So, I commit myself to put myself in the leadership position and tell others what to do/make decisions regarding others if it is part of my job and/or it is up to the leader to do so, but I commit myself to make sure my starting point is a clear one as to do the task/tell others what to do/make the decisions to result in what is best for all life.

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Monday, 15 June 2015

Day 447 - Leader part 2


When and as I see myself believing that to be a leader requires 'too much responsibility' - I stop and breathe. I realise that using the excuse of the leader position of being 'too much responsibility' and thus choosing a 'lesser' role so to speak to avoid the amount of responsibility that I have, is really just a way of 'hiding' and also avoiding being 'blamed'. I realise that I also fear 'blame' and will write it out another time. I commit myself to give the leader option a go, and to take the higher amount of responsibility and face it head on and to NOT allow the added responsibility to stop me from putting myself in the leader role. I commit myself to put my hand up to be a leader, when others will not, perhaps because of similar fears that I have had, so I commit myself to take the initiative and to have a go, even if it results in me making mistakes - I simply learn from these mistakes within the leadership role.

When and as I see myself believing that I would succumb to 'pressure' because of the amount of responsibility on my shoulders within being in the leadership position, I stop and breathe. I realise that pressure exists according to how I create it and participate within and as pressure. So, I commit myself to not allow the future projection within fear of 'crumbling' under pressure to deter me from taking up leadership positions.

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Day 446 - Leader


I've always feared being a/the leader of something/anything. In terms of responsibility, I see the point of being a leader as having TOO much responsibility - and within this, it being MY fault if anything goes wrong. Another point I see within my fear of leading/being a leader, is being the 'boss' of people/things. And these fears of being seen as 'bossy' and such. Even though really, that is my responsibility as a leader of sorts.

Too much responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I were to be a leader, the amount of responsibility on my shoulders would be 'too much' and I would crumble and the weight of said responsibility and/or pressure that could come from this responsibility.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to avoid leadership roles in any way, shape or form within my life, because the responsibility factor seemed 'too much'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being a leader entails/can entail making 'mistakes' because within being a leader, a lot of the time, the leader must take 'risks' for instance, to improve one's business, or to improve customer satisfaction regarding a company's product.

Although, I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that within being a leader, I can assist a company/others/myself in working towards a unified goal that in actuality, ALL do agree on. I realise that within being a leader, although the final word may belong to me so to speak, leaders can work in all different types of scenarios, and within myself being a leader, I could and would create/assist with ideas and such with others/my employees, as to get the best outcome.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not capable of making 'the big decisions' whatsoever, and in turn, participating within future projections of me making big decisions under pressure and in turn, making the WRONG decision.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that until I truly put myself in the shoes of BEING a leader, I can't be making these future projections within my mind of sorts, because I don't truly know what it is like to be the leader, and also, future projections within a fear of being a leader does not assist me whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fail to realise/remember that I have the tools of Desteni within my own practical/physical application to CHANGE how I see 'pressure' and how I relate to 'pressure' and have already proven to myself that I CAN work well under apparent 'pressure' and that I can in fact delete pressure in situations where pressure would 'normally' exist.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realise that pressure only exists if I ALLOW it to exist and allow myself to participate within and as pressure in my mind.

More to follow.

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Saturday, 13 June 2015

Day 445 - Avoidance of potential conflict part 2


When and as I see myself blindly accepting/agreeing with what another says in any way, shape or form, because of the fear of potential conflict uprising otherwise if I were to give my own perspective on something which DIFFERS to what another is saying, I stop and breathe. I realise that to blindly accept/agree with what another says DESPITE me internally disagreeing with it, is simply suppression which results in myself not showing 'who I am' and 'what I stand for' so to speak. I also realise that stopping myself from showing/presenting myself and/or my own take/perspective on things stops myself from expressing myself and stops others from learning from my own take/perspectives on things. I also realise how showing my own take/perspective on things show my individuality in terms of expression/being my own person, rather than a robot in a sense.

So, I commit myself to always express MYSELF and my own perspective on things, DESPITE it potentially differing from another's perspective on anything.

I commit myself to present my own take/perspective on something, without participating within future projections in my mind of conflict ensuing as the result of my perspective being different from another's perspective, and just automatically believing the result from this to be, of conflict/disagreement/argument.

I commit myself to be my own person, be an individual within all life. I commit myself to express myself/my perspective and take on things, to learn from myself/grow within myself and to possibly allow others to learn, as I in turn learn from their own perspective on things.

When and as I see myself failing to see, realise and understand that conflict that appears/is the result of my differing perspective/take on something, and that erupts within ANOTHER, is NOT my responsibility, and is in fact ANOTHER'S responsibility, because the origin/starting point is within themselves and/or just because of my differing take/perspective on something, which I SHOULD be able to present WITHOUT conflict ensuing at all. So, I commit myself to not blame myself if conflict ensues as the starting point within ANOTHER, because that is not of a starting point within myself, because my starting point is not one of wanting/desiring conflict to ensue, my starting point of presenting a differing perspective/take on things is to not suppress myself/who I am at all, and to allow others to learn from my perspective and to grow within myself from presenting my own take/perspective on things.

I commit myself to allow myself to grow and allow others to learn from not suppressing my perspective/take on things.

I commit myself to be individual.

When and as I see myself fearing that I won't any longer appear/be the 'nice guy' in terms of being seen as nice/kind at most times, I stop and breathe. I realise that I can STILL be nice and ALSO present my own take/perspective on things. I realise that it's important to somewhat 'challenge' what another has to say. I also realise that this challenge that I provide is not from a starting point of conflict/the desire for conflict and/or the desire to simply be 'different' - no, it's from the starting point of simply having a different perspective on things and growing/sharing within myself/potentially teaching others, and this does NOT make me 'not a nice person' - it in fact makes me a unique/individual person who can present differing perspectives on things and still be the 'nice' person that I'd like to be as what equates to what is best for all life.

So, I commit myself to be the kind person that I choose to be, and to also present my own take/perspective on things.

I commit myself to always present myself/my perspective/take on things from a starting point of kindness and growth within myself/teaching/assisting of another.

I commit myself to NEVER show/have/say my own take/perspective on anything from the starting point/desire of wanting conflict to ensue/erupt, because that is clearly not what is best for all life.

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Friday, 12 June 2015

Day 444 - Avoidance of potential conflict


I fear that conflict will ensue if I do not readily accept MOST of what another says in terms of ANYTHING. And I dislike this aspect of myself that I've been presenting myself as, because it's sort of me just acting as a robot, with very few outputs. I'm fearful of conflict. I mean, it's like I want to avoid conflict at ALL costs. And that I do, I mean, what good comes from conflict - none. But I shouldn't have to suppress who/how I am for a fear of conflict arising. But, conflict doesn't arise easily. And if conflict DOES arise for one reason or another, because I am saying what/how I see something, and another is reacting/desiring/creating a conflict within themselves/towards me, then that is not my doing - it is something that THEY have to investigate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear creating potential conflict with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that conflict can be created very easily and/or through presenting my own take on anything that IS NOT in line with how another's take on something is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept another's take on anything purely for the sake of avoiding conflict/fear of being in the centre of a conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within future projections of another reacting within conflict towards me, because of me saying/having my own take/view/perspective on something, and within this, blaming myself for the conflict that erupted, when in actuality, it is the other who has created/is participating within and as conflict from something that I said, and so in this instance, it's not something that must be corrected from my point of view/self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as 'the nice guy' who basically accepts ANYTHING that another says on ANY matter whatsoever, but in doing so, fail to show 'who I am' and/or 'what I see' - and so in reality, just end up suppressing who I am as a person/what I've learnt and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to invest all of myself/my time in relationships with others through acceptance/accepting of others' perspectives on things - instead of investing myself/time in myself through expressing myself/who I am/my perspectives on things for the assistance/support of myself as well as others.

And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become exclusively fixated on the relationships that I have/can build with others through plainly/blindly accepting whatever another says/does, despite me INTERNALLY disagreeing with it, which again, is suppression.

More to follow.

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Thursday, 11 June 2015

Day 443 - Talking behind another's back


I generally see this as 'bad' behaviour. Talking about another behind their back, usually within a negative context. Although I am a hypocrite, because I see that I do this as well. Although I don't  usually 'initiate' the talking behind another's back - I do participate within it, when and as another brings up negative contexts of another. And I see that I basically go along with it. I just accept what another says about ANOTHER within negativity, instead of somewhat 'sticking up' for the person. Not that I have to stick up for another, but at least, I can/I do have the ability to see from another's perspective as to why they do what they do - and within this, not needing to accept what another says about another within negativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk behind another's back in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the talking behind another's back within acceptance/accepting what another says about another within negativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing what another says about another within negativity, purely for the sake of building bonds/relationships and/or making them stronger than they were previously.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another for my own self-interest to form/build/strengthen bonds/relationships with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another as 'bait'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not do what is best for all, and within this, see from everything's perspective as to know why they may act as they do, which another only sees within negativity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lower my voice when speaking about another negatively/accepting that another does negative things when talking with another, because I don't want the person that I'm talking about to hear what I have to say to them - I see that already by lowering my voice as to avoid one hearing, is proof that what I'm saying is not cool and is only judgments.

When and as I see myself desiring to talk behind another's back in any way, shape or form, I stop and breathe. I realise that to talk behind another's back for the sake of building relationships/bonds with another, is really not cool, because through this behaviour, I am selling out another/using them - which is obviously not what is best for all. And so, I commit myself to not use another as bait for the sake of building bonds/relationships with another. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that there is a MULTITUDE of ways/methods to build a relationship/bond with another, and using one to do so, is NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL - and so I must stop this. I commit myself to not sell out/use another in any way, shape or form.

When and as I see myself accepting what another says about another within negativity, to avoid conflict with that person who I am talking to, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's not necessary at all for me to simply accept everything another says about another/in general. I realise that it's important for me to present my OWN view/perspective on things, not for the SAKE/DESIRE of conflict, but just because this is how I see things. I commit myself to not allow a fear of potential conflict to stop me from saying/showing my perspective on things/of another.

Actually, I will open up conflict tomorrow, my fear of conflict.

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Friday, 5 June 2015

Day 442 - The listener


For me, I've mainly see myself as 'the listener' type of character/person. One who listens and/or prefers to listen, rather than instigate a conversation and/or bring up conversation/talk much at all. I noticed this 'listener' behaviour last night when with another. I saw that it was mainly this person doing the talking, whereas I was mainly listening. It takes 2 to tango. Being the listener is obviously cool as well, I can learn for my own well-being, and learn about another - but I see that I have to give this opportunity to another as well. So that they can learn from me. I mean, through instigating conversations and/or sharing about different/as many topics as possible, and basically - sharing anything and everything, both/all doing this, that is a really cool thing, I see. Not so much at all if it's just one person doing the talking. It does take 2 to tango.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live as strictly/mainly the 'listener' character/person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only assist another, but assist myself through being the instigator of conversation/sharing my own topics/my own anythings to discuss/talk about with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer the one way street/road of being the listener, as opposed to just BEING, being so that I can not be one or the other, the instigator or the listener, to realise I can be both of these, not one or the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that the best/most helpful/assisting conversations between people comes from both parties sharing/discussing/talking equally, rather than only one party doing something, and the other doing something else. Both are apart of the conversation and/or should be - that is the most effective path of mutual learning.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my learning potential through only participating as 'the listener' character/person.

When and as I see myself in the midst of a conversation, and see that I'm mainly living as 'the listener' character and basically not talking much/at all, I stop and breathe. I realise that through this 'listening-only' behaviour, I am limiting my chances of learning various things, not only about myself, but about others - because through being the instigator of conversation and the general talker in conversation, as another is, another can assist me, just as I can assist another - so comes mutual assistance/learning which is a really cool thing about conversation. So, I commit myself to be aware in the moment whereas I see that I'm participating within and as 'the listener' character/person, and within this awareness, to TALK/SAY SOMETHING/ANYTHING that I see will be cool to share/discuss, because by doing so, I am increasing/expanding my learning potential and making way of awesome mutual learning/conversing with another. So basically, I commit myself to through not only being 'the listener' - expand my horizons greatly, and expand my process/improve on my process dramatically - which assists all.

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Day 441 - Self-judgments about the time I take


I see that I have a lot of self-judgments about the time that I take to do things. And then I also physically stop myself from doing things and/or wait until a later time to do the things that I need/want to do, because I don't want others to judge me for the time that I take to do things. I am definitely not 'taking my time' on purpose. That would be a case of self-interest. Especially when living with others for instance, or doing something that involves others. My starting point is of Equality, but I am blinded by it when it comes to doing something. All I see what I need to do something/as I do it, is me taking too much time to do something, and basically, pissing others off/having others judge me for the time that I take.

Pissing others off/having others judge me for the time that I take is not valid. None has ever said this to me or made the implication to me that this is the case. Like always, it's the mind playing tricks on me - fooling me to believe that all are against me. All hate me for taking this amount of time to do things. But it is an illusion. It's but a judgments against myself. Especially again, as I know that I already am doing my utmost within what is best for all and not taking my time - in fact, doing things as fast as possible for the benefit of others. Different people have different needs. I see that. And I see this within myself. Example: Someone who is very hairy and/or their hair, wherever it may be, grows rapidly, whereas another's hair/bodily hair may grow very slowly and/or not at all. Different requirements are needed here, and well, more time is needed for the one who needs/wants to remove that hair and/or make it shorter.

Everyone's body works differently, so I cannot hold that against myself. Everybody has a different way of doings things. If those said things are not from a starting point of what is best for all, in terms of considering others needs, then that is not cool - that is self-interest obviously. But no doubt, my starting point is of consideration of all/what is best for all, so I must stop judging myself/blaming myself for the time that I take, despite it being perhaps longer than others time taking needs, all are different/unique and have different requirements/responsibilities - and so time differentials vary among each - that is fact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for the time that I take in doing things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for the time that I take in doing things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my needs/requirements/responsibilities out of fear of 'taking another's time'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another's time is more important than my time, and so suppress my need/use of time for another's sake and in the process, ignore my own responsibilities/requirements which hurts myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that each has different responsibilities/requirements for a multitude of different reasons and in different contexts, and so it's important to take that into consideration, not only for myself, but for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my time consumption with others' time consumption and within looking purely at the time consumption between myself and others, automatically see myself negatively within my mind, purely because of my need for more time than another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that my starting point is/already had/has been of what is best for all, and within this, I've already made adjustments as to 'lessen' time that I spend on doing things for what is best for all - and so to realise this, to stop blaming/judging myself for the time that I take on doing things for myself.

When and as I see myself judging/blaming myself for the time that I take in doing things, I stop and breathe. I realise that my starting point is one of purity/what is best for all, and so, I am not 'purposely' trying to 'anger' others or am 'against' others in terms of time consumption. So, I realise that each needs/has different requirements/responsibilities, and that is one example/reason as to why one/myself may need/require additional time when compared to another doing the same/similar things. So, I commit myself to see, realise and understand that as long as one has a starting point of what is best for all in terms of time consumption/how long and how much time one spends doing something, then there is obviously no need/reason to judge myself/judge one, because the starting point is one of clarity/stability and what is best for all.

I commit myself to take the time that I need/require for whatever it is that I need to do. Within this, I commit myself to not suppress my own requirements/needs for the SAKE of FEAR of another's judgments towards my time consumption and/or another's needs for something that I am using at the time. I commit myself to realise that what is best for ALL includes MYSELF, not just anything else but myself.

When and as I see myself judging another for the amount of time that they take in doing something/anything, I stop and breathe. I realise that this same thing that I've realised here in terms of each requiring/needing different things dependent on their own personal/unique circumstances applies to ALL. And so, I commit myself to allow all the time that they need/require, and to not participate within my mind and thus judgments towards others of them 'spending too long' doing something/anything. Within this, I commit myself to also realise that others may take a lot of time doing things and without the starting point of what is best for all and/or self-interest, but this is to be somewhat EXPECTED in society, as not many have the knowledge of Desteni and within this, the mind and thoughts and so on. And so I commit myself to be understanding of all, no matter if self-interest is implied/shown or not, and I commit myself to be understanding of all whether what is best for all is considered or not. Basically, I commit myself to be understanding of all, no matter the circumstances/no matter their knowledge/no matter why/what they are doing, whatever the reason may be.

I commit myself to not expect any to be the same/similar to me - because it's not like everyone magically sees the same as I do, within my transformation via Desteni and the workings of Desteni - not at all.

I commit myself to see where everyone/everything is 'at'.

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Thursday, 4 June 2015

Day 440 - Only on occasions


I saw something that I fancied in a shop. Well, I fancied buying it, but for another. The only thing that was stopping me, was that I couldn't think if any 'reason' or 'occasion' to give this item to another. Their birthday had only recently past, and Christmas is a while away. And so I almost didn't buy this item for another, because I within my mind I had no reason/occasion for doing so. And then at the last minute, it occurred to me that...well, why do I NEED a reason/occasion as to give another an item/something/anything?

An act of kindness does not require specific days/occasions to be successful and/or to go ahead whatsoever. BUT, I was under the illusion that a specific day/reason/occasion was required. Looking back on this dilemma I had within my mind, it was silly, really - to not buy/give something to another, all/only because I had no reason to do so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that an occasion/reason/specific celebratory day is needed/required for me to buy something for another, and to give to another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that giving to another does not require 'set' days.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that an act of kindness is just that - an act of kindness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within my life, not buy something for another, just because I couldn't think of a reason/excuse as to buy another something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it's abnormal to give to another for 'no reason' or for 'no special occasion'.

When and as I see myself believing that it's abnormal to give to another without any reason/occasion for doing so, I stop and breathe. I realise that I'm pre-programmed to only really consider a specific person on their specific birthday for instance, when in reality, there's NO reason/excuse for me to not consider that specific person and to in fact consider ALL, without requiring specific days/occasions for doing so. And so, I commit myself to consider all, regardless of birthdays and/or 'special' occasions/events. I commit myself to give to another through my own generosity/kindness.

When and as I see myself failing to realise that in regards to myself, no reasons/occasions are required when I buy things for MYSELF, I stop and breathe. I realise that through this behaviour, I see that I'm protecting my own self-interest through not limiting my purchases and/or interests in terms of pleasing myself. And so, I commit myself to see all in the same 'light' as I see myself, and then as to remove the self-interest within purchases/pleasing self, as to be able to see/do for all as I'd like to be done unto myself - that is, with acts of kindness, whether through considering what one might enjoy/like, and other acts of kindness, WITHOUT the need for specific reason/occasion.

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