Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Day 500 - Walk the talk


Sometimes I say things within the starting point of Equality and Oneness and/or what is best for all, but some things I say, I see that I'm merely SAYING them, and not in fact WALKING them. SO, I'm being a hypocrite through saying, and not DOING. I can talk and talk as much as I want, but it's the living example of myself that comes through always, as the best form of information/example of what is best for all. I'm a living and breathing example. And that does not look the best when I say something, and don't LIVE whatever it is that I say. It's not real if I do this. So, I have to really make sure that I WALK before I TALK, not the other way around, if it is real, then I speak it/talk it, as a extension of myself as the walking, the example, the process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to talk the talk, but not WALK the talk within and as myself/physical body within being an EXAMPLE, a practical example of these words to SHOW this, that is the best example/way to 'send a message' to others, through being an example of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to talk the walk, then later on, show that within that same topic, I in fact failed to walk the talk, and so this quickly reduces the 'impact' that something/I have on another, because they see that I'm all TALK.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as a hypocrite in any way, shape or form, whereas I say I do something/say something, then don't LIVE IT within myself/what I do/the actions that I perform.

I commit myself to self-honestly look at the TALK that I'm about to speak, to see if this talk is something that I in fact WALK within and as myself.

I commit myself to always WALK before I talk.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that talk is all BULLSHIT, unless I WALK IT FULLY within and as myself.

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Monday, 28 September 2015

Day 499 - Can't process information fast enough


This has mainly to do with responses I give to another. I have this belief that I simply never have and still cannot, a lot of the time, process and/or understand what another is saying with speed/clarity as for me to be able to respond with a 'good enough' reply. Really though, all this 'processing' of information comes down to, it just comes down to basically, whether I understand something or not. If I understand what another is saying to me, then I reply with whatever I have to say on the matter. If I do not understand what another is saying, then I can't reply. Or, I just give a half-hearted type of reply that does not benefit the situation.

So, if I don't understand something, then it's best to ask for additional assistance/advice and/or learn. Something else that I just thought of is things like sums. Figuring out sums in my head. Like, in maths. Something x something divided by something + something = what? I will process this as to get the answer, but in this case, the speed is dependent, well, it should ONLY be dependent on my knowledge of maths and/or sums specifically. Anything else that is 'stopping me' from processing/answering faster, is a belief I have of my own ability/abilities - like, fear of getting the answer/response wrong, fear of mistakes etc.

See, it always comes down to basics when one looks at responses/replies/answers self-honestly. I'm doing this now. It's not rocket science as others say. Do I understand what is being said/asked, if not, seek assistance/help. Do I not know the answer/response immediately, well, I self-honestly look at the question/statement being asked/said, to see if anything 'else' comes up OTHER THAN my knowledge of maths for instance, or my knowledge of whatever it is that is being asked of me/stated to me. It's always simple/basic.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't process information said by another/something fast enough as to formulate a reply that is 'worthy' enough.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that responses/replies/answers are not rocket science, and are in fact basic in terms of knowing why/why I cannot answer/respond 'as well' as I possibly could - it comes down to knowledge of subject/understanding of subject, only.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to formulate a 'half-hearted' reply/response/answer in 'hope' of appearing a certain way - smart, wise, intelligent, like I know things/everything - instead of being self-honest within myself and say that I don't understand and/or require additional assistance/help with something.

When and as I see myself in a situation whereas another is asking me of something/stating something to me, and I then desire to participate within the belief that I am 'slow' and so cannot process the information/what is being said fast enough to be able to 'keep up' - I stop and breathe. I realise that I've allowed this belief of not being able to process information fast enough to take hold of me and grip me within this belief, within manifestation that this is the case, and so when the time came of having to 'process' what another says, I made the situation into a 'big thing' and 'big deal' within my mind and within the belief that I simply couldn't keep up with what was being said and so had to question what was being said so that I could understand properly.

I commit myself to hear out what another says, and to STOP any beliefs that come up within my mind that what is being said is 'too advanced' for me to deal with, and so that I simply can't understand it without questioning lots to 'keep up' with the conversation/something.

When and as I see myself in a situation with another and not understand what they say/not hearing them correctly and within this, then desiring to give a half-hearted reply/response as to 'show' that I am smart/wise/intelligent and/or did in fact hear what another says, I stop and breathe. I realise that there is NOTHING 'wrong' with clarification/asking another again for assistance/support/help, because I do not understand something fully/didn't hear them fully. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that knowing what's going on, whatever the scenario is the most vital thing, because that establishes the best means of communication.

So, I commit myself to MAKE SURE that I 'know the score' whatever the scenario, and so not 'fake' the score through replying for sake of 'intelligence' or for sake of 'knowing things'.

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Day 498 - Living versus presenting ‘stability’ as self


I’ve seen this within myself with a lot that I do, that instead of LIVING stability as myself in all facets/ways/shapes/forms, I merely ‘attempt’ to present stability. What a mistake that is, to present stability instead of living stability. Presenting and wanting to present something that I see is a ‘good’ quality/needed quality is NOT the same as LIVING it. It shouldn’t even come into question/cross my mind, whether I am ‘being’ stable within and as myself or not, because stability just exists, I simply know whether I am or am not living this stability. So already, the fact that I merely WANT to show this stability, it’s not real-life/living expression stability, it’s still an external desire of mine.

Because, through living stability, it is simply there, it is simply existent. Then from that living expression, there is no need to have this desire/urge to ‘show’ this. If one lives stability, it shows itself. It’s a natural expression of self. It’s the same as anything, not only stability. Being comfortable, it simple IS. One either lives it, or does not live it. It’s actually rather basic that way, but basic is the best way to see whether it’s real life or bullshit/and/or putting on a show so to speak.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to present an IMAGE of ‘stability’ as myself to others, instead of LIVING stability within and as myself, within my true expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to always within my mind, desire to show/prove this stability within and as myself, instead of simply living stability, and then through the actual living of stability, stability basically flows from myself naturally into all that I do within my life – so in that, it’s a natural expression of stability for all to see – and so not about showing it or not showing it and then fearing whether I am showing it or not – as like putting on a show, that is already proof that I’m not LIVING stability, I’m merely ‘trying’ to SHOW it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fail to see, realise and understand the difference between showing something and LIVING it within and as myself/my being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realise and understand that through living these expressions/ways, no need to show is necessary, because it’s simply existent within my physical body, and so will naturally BE within all that I do.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘put on a show’ of stability instead of LIVE stability which requires no show, and simply an expression of the stability that I am/live within and as myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that ‘showing’ stability as a desire/want is NOT living it. I realise that having to focus on showing stability within and as myself is not required and if this occurs, which it had for myself, then it goes to show that I've failed to live stability in its purest form. I realise that living stability automatically/naturally expels from my physical body as an expression of myself/my life/my physical body – this is actual living expression of stability – and so this happens, then there’s no need to ‘think’ about whether I am ‘showing’ stability or not within a desire/want within my mind which is just putting on a show/bullshit fake stuff.

I commit myself to be aware of the times when I desire to ‘put on a show’ of stability and to stop, breathe, and bring myself back here within and as my physical body, because stability is not a ‘show’ – it simply IS. It is there. It is expressed naturally through and within myself. It is me and so stability should and will be existent within and as myself in ALL that I do, from simple task, to difficult task – because living stability never vanishes, living it is permanent, expression is permanent, and living stability is real.

I commit myself to not focus within my mind of the times of showing/not showing stability and changing my physical behaviour to suit one or the other for the desire within my mind of showing stability as much as possible.

I commit myself to simply BE.

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Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Day 497 - Meeting the partner's parents


I've been checking out this online dating website. To see if I can meet people with similar interests/perspectives and things like that, not necessarily for dating, just to hang out etc. Anyway, it dawned on me the possibility of actually finding someone, and then them and I becoming an item, and then the most daunting, within my mind part, the meeting of that person's parents lol. And then like, "Will her parents accept me?" "Will they like me?" "Do they see me as the right fit for their daughter?" Things like that.

And this has been programmed within me, this sort of fear around this meeting. I've seen it in movies, tv shows, seen stories, and so on. And it all contributes towards this fear of actually doing this - meeting the partner's parents. In movies/tv shows, it's really usually over-exaggerated a whole lot. And things always go wrong. Nonetheless, it's still gotten to me, and I fear this actually happening, because I've never been in the position of meeting another's parents when in a relationship/agreement/partnership.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing scenes/examples of the meeting of another's parents to grip me within a fear of the actual act taking place for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the scenes/examples that I've seen/heard of in regards to meeting of another's parents ARE or WILL be the exact thing to happen when I myself meet another's parents/if I do meet another's parents with the starting point of a relationship/agreement beforehand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that during the process of meeting another's parents, that I will be analysed thoroughly for the conclusion to exist of either being 'right' or 'wrong' for the parents' daughter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when and as I see people's profiles online and seeing that they are 'very family-orientated' - participate within a fear of the expectations of a parent, all based on scenes/examples of these encounters going incredibly 'badly' within the parents hating the person/and/or embarrassment ensuing and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing memories of the 'big meet' within my mind come up, and manifest this fear through not wanting to meet these people based on their strong family ties and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that meeting a partner's parents IS a 'big meet' or a 'big deal' in any way, shape or form.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that meeting a partner's parents is the exact same as meeting anyone else, there are NO expectations to meet (apart from my own self-created expectations) and there are NO specific 'ways' to act/be, again to meet expectations of some sort/way.

When and as I see myself participating within the belief that meeting of a partner's parents is a DAUNTING task in every way, shape and form, I stop and breathe. I realise that through memories within past scenes/examples of the meeting of a partner's parents, I've come to the self-created 'truth' that the whole meeting of a partner's parents act to be one of disaster, of embarrassment, of humiliation, of failure. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that none of these beliefs I have of meeting a partner's parents ring true in any way, shape or form, I have simply allowed scenes/examples within memories to come up within my present self/being, and have allowed the resonance to be so strong within me, that any 'family-ties' I see within a person immediately 'put me off' out of fear of a potential meeting of the parents and the 'bad' beliefs I have of this meeting actually taking place for myself.

So, I commit myself when/if the opportunity arises to meet a partner's parents, to go into the moment with none of these FAKE and pointless memories of the fuck-ups of meeting one's parents. Meeting anyone, whoever they are, is simply a point of getting to know them/exchanging words - that's it.

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Monday, 21 September 2015

Day 496 - Match their speed part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to upon hearing others moving fast, running, generally doing things at a fast pace, feel the need to 'match' these fast movements, as I believe it's a requirement for me to move as fast to 'keep up' with the others, or else get 'left behind'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hear these fast movements by others, and feel this energy within myself of wanting to do the same, like it's a fun thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to hear others moving fast, and only hear that, as in, not therefore altering my own movements/the pace of my own movements in this want/desire to match the movements/speed of movements of others in any way, shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that another moving fast/having fast movements is an 'instruction' to me to move faster and/or that I 'should' be moving faster in my general life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fast movements are always the best movements.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that STABLE movements are the 'best' movements, and stable movements from what I see, are rather 'slow' - but also purposeful and aware.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to lose this stability within and as myself, in favour of this major momentum shift in speed which I see is actually not stable at all, as for me, this fast movements result in a loss of awareness, and a rushing which causes mistakes/errors/regrets.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to alter what I do/how I do things upon hearing/seeing what/how they do things.

When and as I see myself in the moment of desire to want to 'match' the speed of movement that another is using/going by within belief that faster is better/the best type of movement/speed, I stop and breathe. I realise from my own realisations and those of others, that moving too fast and faster than what is appropriate for one's physical body, only results in rushing, and so mistakes/errors, and also, not 'taking in' the information within a moment, because the speed is just to fast for the body to process, and this is how the mind works, it takes hold of the body and goes through the motions, and this make one believe this to be 'correct' without 'thinking' otherwise/considering otherwise, that the mind is the culprit so to speak of this rushing actually taking place.

I commit myself to ONLY move at speeds/movements that I see ARE stable and so in control within and as my physical body, and to not move/desire to move faster than what is necessary for my physical body, which does not result as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be concerned at all with the speed/movements that I'm going by/doing, instead of simply focusing purely on the stability, and being stable in the moment, and thus moving at a speed with the starting point of stability, because through stable movements/speeds, comes awareness/being within and as every single moment in time, and thus avoiding mistakes/errors/misinformation.

I commit myself to not allow my mind to take hold/control/dictate the speed/movements of my being/myself/my physical body - and to breathe instantly when I see/feel this about to take place, so that I instantly bring myself back within and as my physical self, and continue my movements through stable speeds at ALL times, without fail.

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Sunday, 20 September 2015

Day 495 - Match their speed


Something I noticed at my house, when and as I hear others in the house moving fast, as in, I hear them literally moving fast, running a lot of the time, but not always - lots of quick movements nonetheless, like a constant rushing - when I hear this, I feel this 'need' and this 'urge' within myself to do likewise, to match this movement/speed, and I believe I have to move fast when hearing others moving in this faster manner/way. It sounds unusual to me, but this is how I feel/what it's like when this occurs.

Like, if I'm stationary in my room, and others are moving all over the place, rushing around, running, jogging etc, I mean, my room is only a small amount of space - it's not like I can/am going to start running/jogging around in circles lol. Though, I have the urges to just move faster. So, I could be using my laptop, and start sort of doing the motions faster, typing faster, going to various web pages faster - things like that.

I see and know that this urge to 'match' the speed of another is not necessary/needed whatsoever. I mean, what they do with themselves is up to them, it's not in any way an 'order' from them to me to MOVE FASTER. That doesn't make sense. It's literally just a want, an urge, a desire - and I want to keep up with others. It's interesting I think..

More to come.

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Friday, 18 September 2015

Day 494 - The weight of my choices


When I am asked about something/my perspective on something, usually I basically say 'it's up to you' - as in, I don't mind, it's YOUR choice to make. And through this, I don't get to 'put in my 2 cents' so to speak. I don't give myself the opportunity to say something/make a suggestion/state my perspective. So of course, this is my fault - not another's. I make the decision on whether to actually say something or not. I make the decision on whether to say something, or give another the decision/choice to make.

So, within the 'I don't mind, it's your choice' answer, I see that I don't see my own suggestions/perspectives/comments as 'important' or 'necessary' within contribution compared to others/another. So I believe like, 'my perspective/suggestion/comment won't be great, so I'll just leave it to another to decide and make their own perspective/suggestion/comment' - that is how it is. So yeah, I see my own choices as not holding as much weight as others, which is just self-defeat. And suppression of course, just choosing to bottle the things I want/have to say up inside me, when in reality, I know I could assist/add to something to make something better/have a preference that suits me/others and so on.

I mean, if someone asks me about something, then they obviously WANT an ACTUAL answer from me, not just a 'YOU DECIDE' lol. That defeats the purpose of them asking me about something in the first place. If it's evident that another wants my perspective about something, then I should give it. Not just because they want that, but because I myself should want to contribute/assist any way that I can.

So, it's for me to realise that what I have to say holds JUST AS MUCH 'weight' as whatever anyone else says. No choices/decisions/answers/perspectives/statements are 'less than' another's. We each have something to add, input to add. If it's JUST down to ONE person or a few people, then less ideas happen, less assistance, less help, and just LESS in general. The best thing is to have a whole bunch of perspectives from each person, because that undoubtedly gets the best results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my words don't hold as much weight as another's words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see, realise and understand that each one's words are just as valuable as another's words, and NO one person's words are 'less valuable' than another's - we each can contribute to a better world and better solutions within the world if we EACH contribute.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to give an appropriate reply to another asking me about something, because I believe within my mind, my words to be 'not helpful' and so disregard the answer that I KNOW I actually want to say within and as my physical self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not put my physical body at the forefront, as to answer/reply to anything that one asks of me, so that I can assist/suggest for what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-defeat/self-disregard through keeping my words bottled up inside of me, suppressing them, when I KNOW within my physical self that saying what I HAVE to say is of benefit to all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that people asking for my input is a great thing, because it gives me the opportunity to give my own 'personal' input/advice/statement/perspective to another to assist them/myself/others.

When and as I see myself believing my words to 'not hold as much weight' as another's words, I stop and breathe. I realise that this belief of 'not holding as much weight' as another's words is pure self-defeat and suppression, because at the time, I KNOW I have something to say, that I want to say, to add, for input, but then the mind STOPS me, which I allow it to, I allow it to stop me from going through with the input that I want to add as my physical self. So, I commit myself to add/answer whatever it is that I see fit within the moment, because I see, realise and understand my words to be as valuable/important as any other's words - nothing says otherwise, except my mind, which I've allowed to exist as this, within the self-defeat/disregard of the words that I have/want to say.

I commit myself to say what I want to say, and I commit myself to say what I deem appropriate within the given situation, to assist all.

I commit myself to contribute to discussions and such, because I, as everyone else's input is valuable/helpful for all. The more contributions, the better.

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Thursday, 17 September 2015

Day 493 - Approaching something 'extensive'

I have this urge within myself to NOT approach anything that I see is extensive, like, will take a long time to sift through, to read, to watch, listen and so on. It's like, just the 'knowledge' and 'knowing' that this thing is extensive, it's like, "Uh, it's gonna take me forever to check this all out in its entirety." Like, the very act of doing it will be a bore, tedious - too long. I also see here that it has to do with this desire to do things fast, to start it, then end it, ASAP. This is what I 'like'. To get it over and done with asap, with ease. And anything that is 'extensive' goes against that.

Something that is extensive will take me undoubtedly a long time to go through, to reach the 'end'. But, it's NOT getting to the end that should be the WHY as to me doing something/starting something that is extensive in length/coverage. It's exactly like this Journey to Life. YES, the end result in itself is one of awesome-ness, being the absolute definition of life, what life should be - but the PROCESS from start, middle and ongoing...every single step is a change, even if it doesn't become apparent at the time. So, the journey of anything is what counts. The end point is cool in itself, but the journey IS what counts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shy away from approaching/starting anything that I see/believe to be 'extensive' in length/coverage, because I'm ONLY interested within my mind of FINISHING the journey/getting to the end of the journey, instead of seeing that the things that I learn/gain/experience as soon as I CHOOSE to start the journey, whatever it is, IS what actually counts/assists me - getting to the end is MERELY a sense of 'achievement' and 'success' that I've participated within and as.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to approach anything from the starting point of the desire of achievement/success ONLY.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the enjoyment/experience within every journey that I take, so that I can then truly learn from it, WITHOUT just wanting to reach the end asap and in doing so, not concentrate and be aware of the journey that I've undertaken.

When and as I see myself approaching anything purely just to END IT, I stop and breathe. I realise that through having the starting point of the desire to end something/finish something, is to IGNORE the journey from start to finish of whatever it is that I choose to undertake, and within ignorance, comes myself failing to 'take in' the information and failing to experience/learn within the given moment of the journey in itself - and not being in the moment within the journey within having the desire within my mind of 'getting to the end' is simply the incorrect way of approaching any journey. So, I commit myself to approach anything that I do, whether extensive or not, with the starting point of LEARNING, ENJOYING and EXPERIENCING - and so NOT with the starting point of reaching the end, getting to the end - because this is why I don't want to actually undertake the journey in itself of something extensive, because that 'end' is so far out of reach - but the end is not what counts, it's the journey.

When and as I see myself wanting to experience achievement/success within my mind after finishing/getting to the end of something, I stop and breathe. I realise that REAL/TRUE achievement/success does NOT come from simply 'reaching' the end of something, real/true and actual achievement/success, physical achievement/success comes from taking each step within the journey, here, in the moment, as to experience/learn/develop from every single step, because the more aware I am within every moment, the more I take in, the better I'll be. So, I commit myself to focus on the moment, the here, within every step of the journey of whatever operation I undertake, and to get the most from each moment through the awareness in any given moment, not 'worrying' or being 'focused' upon getting it 'over and done with' - ending it/finishing it asap.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach a feel good feeling/sensation within achievement/success within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly long/desire for this feel good feeling/sensation through always wanting achievement/success through completing tasks asap.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see, realise and understand that REAL achievement/success is actual change/learning that I see is actually real within myself - and 'experiences' within my mind of achievement/success are purely energy based and positive energy based within happiness/feel good feelings.

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Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Day 492 - Is loneliness a losing battle? part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look outside of myself for 'cures' for the loneliness that I 'feel'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that having a partner will solve my loneliness emotion/problems.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that being lonely is a state of mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise and understand that during times/phases of feeling lonely, I'm participating within and as the belief that another being in my company in any way, shape or form is the solution to this emotion within my mind - when it's only a temporary 'solution' - because when and as the company goes, I'll have the same emotion of loneliness, so it doesn't 'work' to rely on another/something externally to feel 'alright' within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the desire of company of another purely for the sake of releasing this loneliness energy from within myself/that I participate within and as regularly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on company in any way, shape or form to make me feel a certain way, to make me feel stable/comfortable/not lonely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being alone in any way, shape or form is a 'bad' thing within society, and that it looks 'bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to when with another, participate within energetic communication/energetic movements, and so desire that same energetic feeling of happiness that I've made real through being in another's company and another being in my company.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to enjoy one's company purely as a means of physical support/assistance/enjoyment, and so without the reliance/need for any energy participation within my mind of happiness.

I commit myself to embrace my time alone, and also embrace my time spent with another.

When and as I see myself participating within this emotion of loneliness when I'm with myself, and desiring another's company to 'fix' this emotion of loneliness within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realise that having to rely on another to relieve myself of feelings/emotions/energies is unreasonable/unhealthy, as it's the reliance on something external of myself. I commit myself to stop this loneliness emotion from within myself, through embracing my time alone, and by not seeing the need of another to be at peace/stable/comfortable as myself - because in reality, I don't NEED others to be able to survive/live a 'good' life as myself here.

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Monday, 14 September 2015

Day 491 - Is loneliness a losing battle?


Loneliness is something that is built into all of us. Being alone for prolonged amounts of time usually results in loneliness. The best, or only 'cure' for this is company - I think most people would agree. The company of others. Though, not the company necessarily of humans, animals too. Any company is good company (for the most part). Loneliness is something I've personally struggled with. I've never had a partner for a long time. Of course, I've had many friends over the years, and would see them regularly, but still, there are those times, being alone, where that loneliness feelings sinks in and made me sad/depressed.

So, along with this loneliness and as I've mentioned, company usually 'fixes' this feeling, this sadness/depression. So for me, I've been obsessing quite a bit over finding a partner, because I saw that as the missing link to my loneliness, the solution. If I have a partner, I will never be lonely. And even the considerations of literally HAVING a partner, ANY partner, merely for the 'cure' of this loneliness. So I'm saying, ignoring who the person is, just USING them for my loneliness solution.

That really doesn't sound ideal does it?
Nor does finding and being with one purely and/or mainly for the sake/solution of 'loneliness'. Having said all of this, some people strive on their own, they love it, they don't care for relationships/company, but those people are few and far between from what I know.

So then, how do I overcome loneliness? How do I disregard this desire/sake of finding a partner as a cure only? Well, it's to realise for myself that looking externally for a cure is already a realisation in itself that that is not the 'correct' way to go. The cure should come from within, the ability to stand by myself should come from within myself, to be stable.

My desire for company/companionship of others, no matter the species..the belief that this is the only solution, that I will be forever lonely without companionship of others. And, that I cannot be stable/comfortable within myself, alone, without this company or any company of some sort.
Because, I mean, how cool would it be to be stable/comfortable/accepting of myself in any situation, whether alone, whether with company? Just a natural transition from scene to scene.

More to come.

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Sunday, 13 September 2015

Day 490 - Language obstacles


Even though where I live, English is predominantly the spoken language of 'choice' - lots of the time, I actually do run into people talking to eachother in other languages. That is a keyword I highlighted just now though - CHOICE. It is one's choice as to what language they speak. I mean, in an IDEAL world, we'd all speak ONE language I reckon - and communications with eachother would be lifted and on the other hand, miss-communications with eachother would be a thing of the past - but that is obviously not the world we live in right now.

For myself though, when there are others speaking to eachother in a language other than English (because I can only speak English fluently) I feel 'left out' of proceedings. You know, even when it's 2 'strangers' speaking to eachother in another language, I still feel this way. Not that I want to eavesdrop or anything, I suppose I just like the 'idea' of everyone talking English in a predominantly English speaking country.

Also, whilst working, I've encountered quite a few people who speak very little, if any English at all. In these instances, it is very difficult, almost impossible to communicate effectively and in this case, to conclude the transaction of purchases. That in itself is obviously a problem, if we can't communicate effectively/at all - that is something that must be rectified. On the other hand, if another language other than English is used, because others are more fluent in it, then so be it I'd say. It is THEIR choice. It is MY choice to speak English. Yes...it is for the most part my only choice, but a choice nonetheless.

It's not my right to 'stop' others from talking in whatever language they choose. And if I hear a language other than English being spoken, it is NOT an 'attack' on me or a way/method of making me feel 'left out' or like an 'outsider' - these are of course just personal beliefs that I've created/participated within and as in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that those that speak a language other than English infront of me/in my vicinity are trying to make me feel 'left out' and/or like an 'outsider'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see, realise and understand that it is our duty as humans, as examples, as leaders, as teachers, to inform eachother within effective communication/languages, and so for the time BEING, and/or for fluency matter, 'alternative' languages have to be used for any communication to exist between people.

When and as I see myself feeling this energy within myself of being 'left out', an 'outsider' or 'excluded' when and as others speak in a language that I do not understand at all, I stop and breathe. I realise that due to a myriad of factors, languages other than English must be used for effective/any communication at all. I realise that it's simply not always possible/relevant to speak English only, because there are those that speak to people from other countries/non-English speaking backgrounds and so on. So, I commit myself to embrace ALL, no matter the language they speak, no matter whether I can understand it or not, because I SEE, realise and understand the VALUE/NEED of effective/fluent communication in all aspects between people.

Within this, I commit myself to learn and realise that effective communication does not equate to a 'personal' attack on me/my being/myself in any way, shape or form - it is simply a means of that, effective/fluent/possible communication - and that is cool, necessary to assist/support eachother/one another.

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Day 489 - The acceptance of being wrong


I dislike being wrong. I desire to be right/correct about anything and everything. When I realise that I am wrong, I fight it. I don't want to accept that I'm wrong, I don't want to accept 'defeat'. Because, that's what it feels like, defeat. To be so sure within my mind that I am right, only for fate/another to show that I am/was wrong, it is an 'impact'. An impact on my ego. The 'rightful' ego. Ego takes a hit, an impact.

Why take it personally though? If fate/another proves/shows that I was wrong, it's not an attack on who I am. It's just a lesson to learn for myself. A mistake to correct. A gift of learning, of awareness. I have to embrace being wrong. Denial will get me nowhere. Real change only happens from acceptance, from self-acceptance, from self-responsibility. It is only 'hard' to accept defeat/being wrong if I want to fuel my ego. And fuelling my ego is preprogrammed within and as myself. It is who I am, how I am. But, of course, it's possibly to change this, to not walk from an ego starting point, but to walk from a self-responsible starting point.

I must embrace being wrong/being incorrect. Embrace, accept, change, move on. That is literally the only way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to embrace being wrong/incorrect in order for me to accept, change, move on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to come to terms with the fact that I am wrong/incorrect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the defensive character/personality when I believe my ego is taking a 'hit' by another/fate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that fate/another 'proving me wrong' is an attack on myself/who I am/what I am - it is but me taking this very personally, because I have designed my ego to always desire to be right, and to not accept anything less than being right.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to make light of a situation whereas I realise that I am wrong, by either laughing at it in acceptance/realisation, or, simply accepting it, because one way or another, I must accept it, the method of acceptance does not matter, but acceptance is necessary for me to defeat the ego that I have participated within and as for the majority of my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see, realise and understand that denial of being wrong only fuels the ego within myself, and does nothing good/beneficial for me as my physical self/body, it ONLY makes my progress as life HALT and go BACKWARDS.

I commit myself to embrace being wrong. I commit myself to embrace being incorrect. I commit myself to embrace fate/another showing/proving that I am wrong, because through embrace, I accept, and through embrace/acceptance, I change, and, I stop the ego within me from showing/coming up within and as myself, which is always a step in the 'right' direction.

When and as I see myself in the moment of being proven WRONG via fate/another and feeling the energy within me of desiring to be defensive/angry about it, I stop and breathe. I realise that I CANNOT argue with FATE/ANOTHER showing/proving to me that I AM WRONG/INCORRECT. I realise that being defensive/angry about the FACT of being wrong/incorrect ONLY shows what/how I am, and that is, an EGO through and through in every way, shape and form. So, I Commit myself to SILENCE/STOP the ego from rearing its ugly head, through accepting/embracing that I am WRONG, that I am INCORRECT - and through this, step by step, I grow, I learn, I embrace life, I embrace my physical body/what it means to BE life, and I of course silence/stop the ego that is preprogrammed within and as myself from birth.

I commit myself to see, realise and understand that TRUE strength and TRUE 'character' within and as my physical body comes from ACCEPTING that I am wrong/incorrect - as it takes 'guts' to do this, it takes strength from within to accept defeat, and to thus move on. I commit myself to stop denying the facts. I commit myself to realise that the sooner that I accept being wrong/incorrect/defeat, the faster I learn/grow within myself and within life.

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Saturday, 12 September 2015

Day 488 - Weather justifies my mood


I had almost forgotten what it was like to be in the nice and warm sun. Finally, 2 days ago, the sun was out, and it was nice and warm. Previously and for a long time prior to this day, it had been very cold, raining and/or a combination of both of those. With very little sun. I saw what the weather was going to be the day prior, so wore a t-shirt only, which I hadn't done for a while. IT WAS SO NICE OUTSIDE. I loved it, the whole day. Anyway - I felt 'upbeat' within myself about the weather, well, about the sun, the warm weather. It was like "This will be a good day, for sure."

I went to work, and when I got there, I realised that this sunny-ness/warmness was dictating what I do/how I am in the moment - because, if this was the same day, except it was cold and/or raining, I wouldn't 'feel' upbeat, I wouldn't feel this sort of glowing sensation. I didn't like this, I didn't like how I was allowing the weather to dictate how I'd 'be' for that day. Sun, no sun, cold, warm, rain etc/whatever, that should NEVER define/dictate me and/or what I do/how I do things - of course not.

And so..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go about every facet of my life dependent on the conditions of the weather and whether it shines, rains, is cold/hot and so on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach these 'happy' feelings to warmth and warm weather, sun, t-shirts/shorts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach this 'casual' feeling/occasion to warmth/sun. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as memories of being at the beach in sunny/hot conditions, and wearing very little clothing, and participating within the memory of the total relaxation/ability to not have a 'care' in the world.

When and as I see myself participating within and as memories of the beach and occasions that included sun/warmth/t-shirts/shorts when I am in the moment/situation of warmth/sun, I stop and breathe. I realise that I've attached these 'feel good' energies to warmth/sun, and days at the beach - and so when some of these memories/instances occur within myself through memory/attachment, I 'feel' and 'live' these energies through positive body language, happy feelings. So, I commit myself to not participate within and as these memories/happy feelings of warmth/beaches in the past when and as I am in/encounter warm weather/sun in the present and future. I commit myself to go about my daily life within and as the moment in every breath I take and simply do/live as what is best for all, no matter the weather, sun/rain/cold/warmth - because these are of course not my decision to make, this is nature's decision/choice, this is what nature chooses - and I live in nature.

I commit myself to embrace whatever weather is ahead/in the moment, and to not use it in any way, shape or form to dictate/define who I am in that moment.

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Friday, 11 September 2015

Day 487 - Quick on my feet - self-honesty, part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to utilise self-honesty for real within all facets of my life, what I do, how I am, what I say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to tell the truth within pure honesty, out of belief that it is the 'right' thing to do, when in actual reality, self-honesty, in that, seeing what's best dependent on the situation/context and utilising this self-honesty that I live as is key, because that is how I get the best outcomes/what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself via 'pure' honesty in desiring/wanting to tell the truth in every way, shape and form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to see, realise and understand that self-honesty is also vital within the system and to be in the system/succeed in the system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that playing by the rules within honesty will get me the furtherest in life and in the best position within life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that self-honesty in relation to the being of one is key as to change for what is best for all, and on the other hand, self-honesty in the system is as to succeed in the system, to succeed via the minds of the humans, because to use 'honesty' in the system and within and as the minds of humans, is asking for 'poor' results, because as most know, the truth within pure honesty will not get one very far - so, self-honesty thus in ALL facets, life, system, is really key to succeed in life, for change, and success in the system.

So, I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not look at every situation, every moment of my being, no matter if it's within and as myself/my being, or in the system, to thus see it always within self-honesty, and to ACT accordingly, that is what is required to succeed as life.

When and as I see myself heading into a 'crossroads' whereas I'm 'in' the system and have the choice of being an EXAMPLE as what is best for all, OR a 'success' within self-honesty and/or 'lying' somewhat in order for success, and being unsure of which to choose, I stop and breathe. I realise that NOT IN ALL instances is it possible/viable to do what is best for all, purely based on the SYSTEM that I/we/all are in. Because, success/one's career for instance can and does usually rest on PROFIT. Success=profit=success. And so, unfortunately, a degree of exploitation of others sometimes has to come forth for this success/profit, which is a self-honest decision/choice, because one has to also consider one's position in the system, sometimes at the expense of another. SO, I commit myself to always do the self-honest thing, even if it means me HAVING to not do what is best for all, again, based on the SYSTEM and the minds of the human - Also, I commit myself to not sacrifice/compromise myself/my situation purely as to be an 'example' of what is best for all. Self-honesty is always required to make decisions that suit what is best.

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Thursday, 10 September 2015

Day 486 - Quick on my feet - self-honesty


Today I was in a scenario where I had to be 'quick on my feet'. That is, I had to be 'on my toes'. In realistic terms, I had to be ready to reply asap. I had a job interview, and I was interviewed by 2 people. They asked me about 10 questions, and all of them were in regards to examples that I had done in the past in relation to the question that they asked of me. Like, "Tell us about a time when you used your initiative to improve on team work/a team based environment?" Things like that. I remember hating these lol. These questions whereas I have to think back/remember times where I've been in these situations, and explain what I did, how I did it and so on.

And it sort of took me off guard. I was perhaps expecting a few of these 'give us an example-type' questions, but not 10/not believing that was going to be the majority of the interview. Anyway, I came up with fast/good examples for the most part. 1 or 2 of the questions, I just couldn't think of an example. Actually, I see now that I was looking too much in only the 'work-place' scenario. Because, I could have answered these questions in regards to any scenario within my life, such as life outside of work, just casual interactions with others.

Actually yeah, one of the questions where I just couldn't think of an exact example was "When you and another have conflicting views on something, how did you/how were you able to 'convince' the other person that your view was 'better' and/or more viable?" That wasn't the exact question, but it was along those lines. And as I said earlier, I was really just looking from a work-place perspective. After the interview, while I was alone, I had a re-look at this question, to see if I could come up with an example - and I did, almost instantly. Of course, I came up with an example outside of the work-place scenario. And in fact, I was able to come up with a few examples, again, all outside of the work-place scenario.

And also, I was trying quite hard to remember actual scenarios/happenings. But, there are not necessarily ALWAYS actual examples of these questions that have happened in my life. Here, I see I just be self-honest, and just come up with something like that, be quick on my feet. Just 'bend' the truth a bit. I mean, it's not something that they're going to look at later on and be like "Why did you lie about that example..?" Because, they just want to see how/what I do in these situations, how I conclude them, how to deal with them. That is what they want.

Using self-honesty, always, to be able to get the best out of situations, living self-honesty - sf/sc next.

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Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Day 485 - The cheerful man


At my workplace, there is a quite cheerful gentleman. I saw him today, he's a staff member, like me. I don't see him often, but everytime I do, I enjoy seeing him/working with him/in his presence, and I wanted to find out why this was. I described him as the 'cheerful' one. That isn't EXACTLY the case, but I didn't know how else to describe him. He's in his 60's (I believe), maybe 50's, but..he has this, I'd say, 'calming' presence, even a comfortable presence about him. He's not over the top, or even super talkative, he just goes about his business. He is very much willing to talk to anyone and everyone, he's kind, and he is quite sarcastic, which I enjoy. Actually now that I think about it, the majority of his jokes, which there are many, are sarcastic. And I don't mean jokes like "Why did the chicken cross the road..?" Just finishing statements on a 'funny' note. It is amusing.

Anyway, I like this sort of sarcastic/optimistic/calming presence that he brings. I've spoken to this to others as well, and they agree. Yes, the more I think about it/see it/remember it, it's the sarcasm that I like lol. But it's the 'right' level of sarcasm. I mean, it's not like every single thing he says concludes in sarcasm, no. It's just every now and then sarcasm, which is actually quite frequent. Lol. But, it's in 'good' taste, all of it. I think that's a cool way of relating to people too. Just, being able to joke around, sarcastically about things, and through that, brings about a sense of comfort, like "That person doesn't take themselves/others/life too seriously." NOT that life shouldn't be taken seriously - I see it as both. Take it seriously, but, have some fun on the side, some sarcastic fun in this regard.

So, I just wanted to point this out to myself - the whys to me and others enjoying this person's presence, and, I can try this out for myself. Use my own sarcasm/jokes. I do occasionally, but not nearly as much as this person does. I'll give it a shot. Just playful words, lighten the mood, create that 'opening' with others, create that comfort and comfortable environment, that is cool I think. Serious and fun - good combination - polar opposites, but can work in unity with work I think lol. Will try this out for myself.

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Monday, 7 September 2015

Day 484 - Fear of making vlog part 2


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that those that make vlogs are individuals that believe themselves to be 'so good' and 'the best' at this and that, and also, basically have giant egos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realise and understand that vlogs can be constructive, helpful and cool - example, Destonians, and others who raise awareness/assist others in other points in life and such.

When and as I see myself wanting to make a vlog and/or in the process of making a vlog, and I see people/hear people in the vicinity and/or staring at me/saying things about me - and then wanting to stop the vlog instantly out of fear of being seen as an egomaniac/obsessed with myself, I stop and breathe. I realise that already within myself, my own starting point of doing this vlog and future vlogs, my starting point is one of example/assistance - and that is all. So within this, I see that this base is covered in terms of not doing this vlog for the sake of ego, for the sake/believe of showing myself to be the 'best' and/or better than others within my mind and thus within energies. So, I commit myself to see others, hear others, see them looking at me, hear them talking about me, BUT, to CONTINUE vloging, because despite what they think in any way, shape or form, only I truly and actually know my starting point of vloging at the time, and so with that understanding/knowing, I continue vloging, because I want to, and because I want to assist others in any way that I can.

Day 483 - Fear of making vlog


In this video, you'll come to see why this blog title is..here. Where it originated.
I'll explain though. Because, I have made vlogs before, but the circumstances were somewhat different. In the past, I had made vlogs in my car with the windows rolled up, so that nobody and/or the sound would lessen/be non-existent. THIS time, I had my windows rolled down a bit, so, well, I believe my voice was and could be more widely heard. I had made one vlog and I heard the sound of a gate or something, and freaked out - stopped the video lol. Stopped the recording and yeah. I made another video, straight after, which is the one attached here.

I know this video is not 'ideal' in the sense of being direct and/or without fail, but, either way, I mean for me at least, it's a learning experience. How else would I know I had this fear of making vlogs in 'public' without DOING so? Also, I see this video as an example of a bridge. NOBODY instantly gets over fears and such. And through this video/vlog, I can see in future, that 'Hey, I've come really damn far in terms of making vlogs/getting over my fear of vlogs!' and that is cool. Also, no vlogs are 'perfect'. People cough, sneeze etc. Vlogs should be REAL, show who we are/what we are, instead of hiding/suppressing, because of fears/beliefs/judgment/society.

Anyway, back to this fear of making vlogs and, being seen making vlogs, even heard. GENERALLY, what I know of vlogs/have seen of vlogs, is on Youtube, and usually in the sense of what I see as 'meaningless' things. Such as how to apply make up - I mean, there are lots of examples. Now that I think about it though, there are also plenty of cool vlogs I'm sure. Actually, I don't even know the exact definition of vlogs lol. A moving selfie? I think so. One doesn't record a car crash and call it a vlog..I don't think - I am pretty sure a vlog is for the most part, talking into the camera, recording, yeah - talking about this and that. Either way, there are definitely cool/not cool examples of vlogs on the internet.

Also, I have this fear about..well, from another that says something like 'Jee, he thinks a lot OF himself to be making vlogs ABOUT himself and ABOUT how 'good' he is.' OKAY, so obviously this belief is totally off topic, I mean, it's strictly incorrect. I am not making vlogs about how 'good' I am, or because of some ego thing/build up. I am making vlogs to share with others, to be an example, to 'enlighten' others to things, to Desteni - my starting point is one of...health, for lack of a better word.

So, my fear of making a vlog - what does it come down to?
It comes down to being seen as 'being so good' and 'thinking I'm all THAT'. Lol, things like that.

So, I'll continue with this next time.

Friday, 4 September 2015

Day 482 - Prioritising myself


My own self change must be priority/paramount. That is the key. Yet, despite me knowing that change is necessary and it has to happen sooner rather than later on some points, I still allow other things to get in the way, and instead choose to prioritise them over myself, over the physical body that I am in, the change – because these all go hand in hand, really, myself/body/self-change. It starts with each, self-responsibility is paramount.

If I don’t prioritise myself, my self-change, then I simply halt myself/my process, and that always leads to failure from what I’ve seen. Change has to be a constant, well, it SHOULD be a constant. Being stuck in one place, even for a short amount of time – it’s just not helpful. It’s ‘easy’ to fall victim to this though. I’ve felt this before, where I just ‘don’t want to do anything’. I just want to laze around. I don’t want to put in effort, the work – and of course, the effort/work is necessary for the change to happen. And, in those split moments/decisions, plenty can happen, because of one’s failure to prioritise self – so it is vital to push against that resistance that one feels, because as always also that I’ve noticed, when I do get down to business in terms of writing for example, it’s easy. That’s another example of how the mind does all it can to stop self from breaking down its walls of resistance.

NOTHING matters more than oneself, and self’s change. The more thorough/faster the change, the sooner we can BE life and what it means to exist within and as life for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to prioritise myself/my own self-change over ANYTHING else that i ‘desire’ to do/choose/want to do in the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that myself/my self-change is paramount to realisations/growth/life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that literally nothing else can assist/support me in life other than what I do within my process of change, such as writing/DIP Pro.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to prioritise other things, because I believe them to be more ‘fun’ or more ‘enjoyable’ – when in reality, that fun/enjoyment is only ever temporary/short-lived, whereas actual change is real/life-lasting/key.

I commit myself to dedicate myself first and foremost to my process, my process of self-change/self-awakening/life.

When and as I see myself in a moment of ‘juggling’ things/what I should do outside of ‘process’ – I stop and breathe. I realise that there’s no genuine/real reason/point in deciding what to do ‘next’ – as it should just flow. And I realise that those things not related to process are really of ‘no huge consequence’ because for the most part, they are just things to bide my time and such. So I commit myself to honestly look at what will actually assist/support myself in each given moment, and to DO IT. I commit myself to always prioritise all things Desteni, because again, that is my means of self-change and my means of life – the rest is just ‘other’ stuff.

Thursday, 3 September 2015

Day 481 - Can I not communicate to non-Destonians anymore?


I've had these beliefs that I will/am/do struggle to communicate with non-Destonians, because of what I've learnt within Desteni.
Some reasons I believe this to be are..
1. Most topics that people discuss are those that 'do not interest me'.
2. I'm more and more becoming aware of how much that is said is a judgment, attack, opinion and so on, like, the majority is.
3. I believe that as a physical being, I cannot say things that are judgmental/opinionated, and I believe that actually BECAUSE of my lack of judgmental/opinionated/emotional/reactive 'substances' inside of myself, that I as a purely (getting there) physical being/body just cannot um...'relate' to non-Destonians as much/at all, because the energy is non-existent for me. Prior, it'd be energy playing on energy, judgments on judgments, whether the judgments were agreed on or different, the energy would be there, and I see that THAT was a 'reason' to engage within conversation.

So, here I'm really just focusing and meaning to focus on this third part (3). This is the part I have the most beliefs about and/or need to write about.
You know, it's like someone going on about their beliefs (many hints of truth to this..) and I am there, well, listening to this, I find it somewhat interesting, even though I in fact do not agree/believe this to be the case. But, in this case..I am not going to say "You're wrong, I'm right, and here's why.." Because that is just answering back through energy. And it'd only cause anger, friction, debate.

But, it's something I guess I need to work on, this communicating without judgment and so on. Is it possible, like, can I actually communicate with a non-Destonian who unknowingly judges/reacts within just about everything they say? It is possible, but it's not the 'same'. Again, because for me, on my side/half, the energy is not apparent, it does not exist. So, rather than responding either in a judgmental way of my own, or..arguing against the point, or agreeing, you know, it is all energectic, UNLESS it is genuinely something I for instance agree on, like, 'unemployment is a joke' lol. That is fact :P but yeah, what I'm saying and have noticed is still, that a lot of what people say is energy based, the majority truly is.

I know I'm repeating myself here lol, but it helps me dissect this. So yeah..
So, if one is really talking through/within/as energy, me being a physical being/body, being HERE, I can/would 'ideally' respond with an answer that is best for all, within this, seeing from others' perspectives and so on - also, I would dissolve the judgment/energy, again really, because/for the response of what is best for all.

SOO. Let's try to get to the point here! The communication doesn't 'flow' as it USED TO, with LACK and/or NON-EXISTENT energy on my behalf. And..even though I am like, aware of this, and why this is, it makes it difficult I believe, because obviously I live with almost ALL humans as being non-Destonians, there is no getting around that FACT. Yes, when the change happens, when the Destonians become more in number, then COOL, but right now, it is just not so. And yeah, I see that people expect/want this 'flow' of energy between themselves and another (me). For the most part at least. And I can't give them that, what I CAN give them is something different, totally different, a person who is physically here, physical body/self, who always comes from/within and as a response/statement of what is best for all - I reckon it takes them a while to accept/admit to this change, like to see that it is actually 'cool' and not 'weird' lol.

Anyway, this is just what I see.
But, nonetheless, I am still IN the system, and will be for a long time to come. So, I have to 'make do' with what is HERE, even though what is HERE is not 'picture perfect' far from it. Everything is utterly fucked up, and I have had these somewhat..thoughts of like, not wanting to be here, leaving. Not really leaving, just not wanting to be here, because of the way humans are, how their minds are, how the mind in itself is. But, it's my duty as one who knows, to be an example, a leader, to teach others, to bring awareness, if I/others don't, then nobody will, and we'll be stuck in this shit existence forever - fuck no.

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Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Day 480 - Starting point when talking to another


Occasionally, I like to and be 'able' to talk to others who I've never spoken before whilst on the train/in public places. Talking, in terms of getting to know them, and where it leads from there, well, that's anyone's guess. I see now that a LOT can come from two individuals meeting. I see it as really cool one way or the other, because I get to find out about someone, their life depending on how much they want to share, and so on.

At the same time, I've had this one particular fear that If I am to talk to one gender particularly, that being, the female gender - then I will look like a male who is 'desperate' and/or is only interested in sexual relations. A few times, this has physically stopped me from actually talking to someone, and now that I look back on those times, and even earlier, I could see that well...I lost that chance to get to know someone, learn from someone etc. So, of course it's best to just go through with the talking, do the talking, no matter who's watching/listening/judging. In the end, I'm just judging my own behaviours when/whilst talking/wanting to talk to a female in particular.

So then, yes, I'm judging myself in terms of the 'approach' I have to this/my starting point to talking to others. I have seen plenty of times where the male approaches the female, and it's evident that it's a flirtation-type of approach, and flirtation happens. At the same time, it's NOT always the 'reason' for this male to female talking approach. And of course, if I'm self-honest within myself/my approach, then I have no reason to 'fear' being portrayed within and as the starting point of something not particularly cool in the sense of being 'desperate' and 'only in it for the sex'. Those 2 go hand in hand anyway, really.

I commit myself to initiate conversation with all/anyone, no matter their gender and no matter the beliefs I have of the 'male approaching female' scenario with the starting point of desperation/sex/flirtation within the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to externalise my starting point of talking to another with how/why others talk to others, when in reality, only my OWN starting point/my own reasons for initiating conversation with another actually matter, because self-honestly, I know why I am doing this/what I want from it, and NOBODY ELSE does know in fact, they can only assume if they will within their minds.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belief that I cannot 'avoid' the 'cliche' that I've witnessed within my life for the most part, of seeing a male approach a female with the starting point of desperation/sex/flirtation, and that ALL occasions of me approaching a female will be me 'living' this cliche, when in reality, it only/may appear like this 'from the outer' - again, knowing that my starting point is not of this cliche/usual standard, it's simply of meeting/getting to know another, no 'strings' attached.

When and as I see myself in the moment of wanting to approach a female specifically for means of conversation/meeting another, and participating within the fear of 'how this approach looks' and/or of it being 'typical' of a male approaching a female for desperation/sex/flirtation, I stop and breathe. I realise that it just so HAPPENS to be a female that I am wanting to talk to/meet, and that the gender being female does not signify ANYTHING, unless yes, I allow these beliefs/judgments appear within myself of how it is 'typical' and 'creepy' and so on for a male to approach a female in any way whatsoever. So, I commit myself to again, look at my starting point for wanting to talk to a female, and see that there are no 'bad' intentions or 'wrong' intentions to do with the mind that come into play when I want to get to know somebody. And I commit myself to realise that it's simply a kind act, a way of learning and so on, because no place is an 'off limits' place to get to know/meet/talk to another - and it doesn't have to BE in a workplace/school environment, which I have believed it to be.

Within that last statement, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that talking/meeting of another has to be done in a school/work environment as the 'natural' order of things/meeting another. I commit myself to not limit myself/my environment to who I do/do not meet/talk to/get to know. I commit myself to see, realise and understand that I am living on a canvas of life, and no 'social norms' can stop me from doing what I want in terms of here, being able to meet/talk to others within a clear/stable starting point of meeting/getting to know people, simply.

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