Sunday, 22 May 2016
Day 564 - Flirtathon
There's this part of me that desires to flirt with the gender that I am attracted to. Instead of forming bonds and relationships, I am more interested in the flirting aspect - and within that usually attempting to be funny for the sake of laughs. So, making jokes and that, like that is the starting point, to be funny/flirt to get 'somewhere.' There's no doubt that this is programmed within me. This desire to be appealing to a gender. To get 'somewhere' - that is to get sex, really.
I can say to myself that it is not for sex and that it is to do what should be done as I mentioned earlier, forming bonds/relationships, but then I am lying to myself. It's evident to me that the end goal is sex.
And it's something that just comes over me, when around the gender that I'm attracted to and this 'need' to 'be funny.' And it's absolutely NOT something that is real/physical, it's something I have to FORCE. I have to force this funny aspect. It's unnatural. It's tedious.
And then after a while talking/being with the person, there's the thoughts of having to reach these funny heights and to keep being funny and/or to keep up the flirtatious ways, whatever they are. And it is absolutely fake and false. It is me being and accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my mind, within and as energy. It is without wanting to create something real and genuine. It will not be forced as the mind if it and if I am real and genuine. There won't be this pulling need to be a certain way and make sure I reach these heights if I am 'myself.' If I am stable. If I am here and nowhere else. I am just complicating matters for myself if I'm not here as the physical. And I am just playing the game, the mind game of sex/desires if I am forcing this character of flirtation and sex to exist/come to the forefront.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I HAVE to bring this funny/flirtatious character/personality to the forefront as I speak to a gender/person that I am attracted to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force jokes and this funny persona/character upon myself and so upon others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to show people the REAL me as the physical, as stability and as a genuine human body and that is all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to exist as the flirtatious/funny/appealing character/persona as the mind and as energy/desires/programming and as sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire sex as the mind and as energy/energetic rush.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see sex akin to the holy grail in life.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that sex is but ONE aspect of relationships, of intimacy, of enjoyment, of sharing - amongst MANY methods/ways of these things and within these things - and none are needed/necessary over another and so on, but are here to be used by one based on one's own decisions and choices and that is all.
When and as I am with/speaking to the gender that I am attracted to and feel energy coming up within me of wanting to put on the funny face/persona/character, I stop and breathe. I realise that this is FALSE, I realise that this is FAKE, I realise that this is ENERGY, that it is the MIND. I commit myself to in this moment, to speak and act as I would the physical with the gender I am NOT attracted to, and so that is just as me, as a physical body, as communication, as socialising, as creating/increasing the bond, the relationship through REAL and substantial means/methods as I am HERE.
I commit myself not to lead on people as the mind and energy.
I commit myself to show the gender that I am attracted to, the REAL me, the ONE and ONLY me - because there is only one me as the physical.
I commit myself to be funny/use jokes etc in the moment and as see necessary as the physical, and so without forceful mind energy.
I commit myself to treat life as life deserve to be treated.