Sunday, 31 July 2016

Day 590 - I am funny based on if another laughs

Can one have the quality of being ‘funny’? How does one get this quality? Does one decided for themselves if they are funny or not, or is it down to another? I have seen myself as funny before. But I realise that it’s because others have tended to laugh at what I say. If they did not laugh at what I said, then I’d not consider myself funny.

Can I just see myself as funny, regardless of if another laughs or not? Yes, I can do this, too. It is like, does what I say match with my idea of laughter/something being funny? I’ve done this before where I say something to another and then I laugh. I am laughing at what I said. This point brings me to something I’ve forgiven myself before in the past, laughing at what another says. I am working on this point still, but it is forced when I force myself to laugh at another/what another says for the sake of THEM – and wanting them to feel good, to be happy, to ‘know’ their jokes or what they say is funny. So I see here that me forcing laughter is not about me, nor does it benefit me at all – in fact I then suffer symptoms such as a headache. This is the sign that I am forcing something, laughter here, and that I am clearly participating within my mind.

So I see, realise and understand here that no, it doesn’t require another to ‘validate’ one’s funniness. It sounds like I’m going on about being funny like it is such a vital quality lol. It isn’t. But I am walking it now because it is something I have seen in myself for the majority of my life and it’s something I’ve believed to be such a vital quality. It’s nice to have a laugh. To make a joke, things like that. But no, I wouldn’t call it a necessity at all, definitely not, it’s not a necessity. It’s just something that people can be. The qualities that matter as life are kindness, care, equality, stability, respect – these things, these are real.

I’ll keep working with this funny aspect. Now that I realise that I don’t require another’s acceptance or reaction for something to be funny, it’s nice, that. If I find it funny, whether it is something another does/says or something I do/say, I can do it, and laugh at myself – simple. And then obviously there is also WHY something is funny, like if I am laughing at something in terms of laughing at another’s misfortune or something, which is NOT funny, that is something to investigate, but I will check this out when the time comes/if it does.

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Day 589 - UM?

expressing hesitation or a pause in speech.
"anyway, um, where was I?"

That is the definition. After making vlogs, I've seen/realised how I often say this word - um. Is it hesitation, is it a pause, is it both? Well, at least lately I've seen how it's a pause. I've had some negative reactions so this word/when I say it, despite realising that it is a pause. Negative reactions because I believe it is unprofessional, it is too casual, like it is not proper wording. I've seen/learnt how others do not/only sometimes use this word, and instead they just stay silent. That is the difference I've seen. So the pause happens, I mean, the pausing is a natural thing, really, nobody can speak constantly without stopping or taking a moment/breath.

So when I make vlogs and/or am generally speaking, is it necessary to avoid this word and instead stay silent? No it's not necessary. There are simply 2 ways (or more) of pausing. Of course it's something I can try - I shall write self-forgiveness first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'um' as negative wording, as unprofessional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'um' as childish, that only children use it, and thus believing it to be something an adult should not do, because I should have 'outgrown' it by now.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that pausing is a necessary function whilst speaking/at some point, and there are various method of pausing, including using the word 'um.'

When and as I see myself desiring to judge this word within negativity, I stop and breathe. I realise that it depends on my starting point of using this word, is it hesitation and so is it fear, is it nerves, or something related, or is it a pause, as I've realised of myself lately.

I commit myself to use the word 'um.' I commit myself to also use silence. I commit myself to use both methods of pausing. Within this, I see, realise and understand that staying silent during speech/as pausing is not a negative thing either, which I've also believed. I see that using the word 'um' is also my means of showing continuation in speech/conversation, that I still have more to say, that the conversation is not over, that I am still speaking, you know?

So here I also see it depends on the circumstances/scenario. Maybe it is appropriate to use the word 'um' for continuation, it can depend on the audience. If it's a vlog, well, the type of pause does not matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is one correct way of pausing. I commit myself to utilise all methods of pausing and see what works best in a scenario, do what I see is necessary in a scenario in terms of pausing, and practice both methods/other possible methods of pausing.


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Friday, 22 July 2016

Day 588 - Changing my reference point

It’s interesting. Today I did quite a lot of study work. It is the due date of my assignment. Actually, I was really surprised how much work I ended up doing. I’ve been aware of this assignment for 2 weeks now, so I’ve had this amount of time to do it. I’ve basically been doing parts here and there in reference to the due date. As in, I knew I had x amount of time, so I only did x amount of work. When I look at it now, and after how much I had to do/ended up doing today, I wish I spread out the work more.

So I look here at why I thought that today’s amount of work would be quite short. Well, I just thought it would be fast to write up etc. But it turned out I had to change quite a lot of it to suit other parts of the assignment and so on. So here I see it’s the things that I cannot foresee, really. Like here I was unaware that I required to change quite a few things for the assignment to work in the end. I assumed the rest was all ready to be submitted for assessment, but not at all.

So yeah, here is the unknowing part. It’s not until I do something in the moment that I realise “Okay, now I see that won’t work, so I better change that.” So this idea of how much I have left is NEVER accurate. So I see here that the due date should not be the thing that I am exclusively looking towards. It should be the work itself. Because it changes and requires different things depending on the moment/the here.

So I have to just do it, do it and do it, and then it will become clear to me as I do it, what has to be done for real, and the more I do it, the more in fact I’ll be able to balance it out in terms of how much needs to be done/how much I can do at a time etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do work in relation to a due date exclusively, rather than doing the work and from there realising where I am at/what needs to be done for real/real time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that it’s not until I do things in the moment, that I will have a clear understanding of what needs to be done and thus how long it may take – point is, the more I do, the clearer it becomes, and the more I hold off on it, the hazier it becomes.

I commit myself to do the work and from there, see where I am at and how much needs to be done.

I commit myself to work on things real time so that I can get a grasp of what actually needs to be done/how much time it’ll take etc, just getting a clear/real picture of what has to be done for real/actual.

I commit myself to expect uncertainties.

Sunday, 17 July 2016

Day 587 - How do I move forward in life?

So obviously within process and as I realise more, I want to expand myself and do more. It’s like, the more I realise about myself, it exposes me to new opportunities and things that I’d like to do, and then there’s this realisation within me of what I’m actually capable of as the physical body, and not as the mind.

The really cool thing and thing that I love about Desteni and the group, is that we all assist one another and others. There’s always a task that has to be done, like transcribing interviews that then assist another in translating them, which then reach a wider audience, which is great obviously, there’s hangouts which one can join or host to raise/speak of a point that one has overcome for instance, then of course there is the general caring support on the forums and things for whoever requires it.

It’s cool, because one is actually able to participate, instead of simply following, you know? And something I realise is that generally, well, before, in my past self, I would have preferred to follow. Then I feel like I get to avoid any ‘work’ that the higher ups ‘have’ to do. But now that I’ve changed, I WANT to help, I want to ‘work’ – I want to do what I can. Why? Because I know this process is necessary, I know this information is necessary, I know this is the solution – there is no other.

So why the Hell would I not want to help spread this solution? And so it’s not work to spread this solution, it’s a desire to help another. If I don’t spread it, yes, others will, but I must take self-responsibility to spread it myself, the more spreading, the better, simple as that. It’s not cool to sacrifice self-responsibility and in turn just leave it to another. The more voices, the more blogs etc, the better. And same with the ‘behind the scenes’ stuff such as transcribing/translating. It all contributes to something, a solution, the solution I should say.

There are 2 parts to life that I see. There is this side, the solution and all it can entail. This is my priority, no question – then there is the other part, the part that requires me to survive/live in the system/as the system. This is more of a survival part. They are both vital, one can’t exist without the other, the way I see it. I need to survive, and I need to spread the solution. Surviving is simply not enough, nor is spreading the solution – I can’t spread the solution if I for instance have no laptop or means of online interactivity. These parts go hand in hand, for now.

I commit myself to continue learning, growing, expanding, realising – and within this, continue working towards what has to be done, that goes for the surviving as well as the solution, these are the keys currently.

Monday, 11 July 2016

Day 586 - I've got the power!

It’s extremely reassuring to know that every single reaction, every single thought, every single emotion, every single feeling, every single judgment, every single fear – I genuinely have the power to stop it from happening. The power belongs to me. The power is in me. And of course we each have this power for ourselves in stopping these things from continuing to come up within us and direct us. This is such a gratifying thing.

Self is all there is. Self is the only one that is responsible for what happens within self. Nobody or nothing else is responsible for what happens within self. And so obviously the power does not lie within anything else, it purely lies within ourselves.

When/if we believe the power belongs in another/something else, then we do things such as trying to change another/something else, because we believe that is the only way for us to ‘feel better.’ But we cannot change another/anything else. We can try only.

This ‘power’ that I speak of is the ability to release these things from affecting/directing us. This ‘power’ is utilised through writing, through learning about Desteni process, through listening to the interviews, through watching the videos/information provided – all these effective tools for truly utilising and harnessing the power within ourselves, that we simply did not know existed/was even within ourselves to begin with.

So for those who don’t know/are unaware still, investigate Desteni so that you too can see, realise and understand that the power to change is squarely and only within you. It does not belong in another, it is not due or bound to another – it is NOT ever about another, we make it about another because either we know no better, we don’t want to accept responsibility or we don’t want to change.

Realising that there is only self and only self holds the power is  literally bringing it back to self for the benefit of self and so the benefit of others.

Stand as an example of your own power that IS within you and always HAS been within you. But, do find it, and then do utilise it.

Monday, 4 July 2016

Day 585 - Identity crisis

I had these thoughts last night that I don't know what/which 'person' I am or appear to be according to others that know me. Like, am I the funny one, am I the quiet one, the loud one, the crazy one, the random one - or a combination of these? And I feel like I HAVE to choose one of these identities so that others are easily able to..define me.

And within this, this rush belief that I must do this fast, I must choose this one identity fast, for others to define me as/by. If I want to be defined as anything, it's the stable one I suppose. Lol. But as the mind, I don't think that'll come in to play, the definition of 'stable.'

So I ask myself now, how do I see myself currently? I see myself as in process, I am continuously working on myself to really reach stability. I am a work in progress, undoubtedly. I see it as unnecessary to limit myself to one type of 'identity.' Even as a stable being, I can be funny, I can be smart, I can be quiet, I can be loud lol. I can be anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must define myself/my identity as something for others to 'know' what I am or who they are dealing with so that they can in turn speak of me or make decisions on involving me in activities and such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to limit myself as identity/definition of one/few words.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be what I am currently and as a work in progress, in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must choose one path that I must go down/be for identification purposes.

When and as I see myself fearing that others can't pinpoint who or what I am as identity, I stop and breathe. I realise that it's not about being a singular/few definitions as identity - I realise that I can be all apparent identities or words or definitions. I realise that I am in fact unlimited in potential and so who/what I am in a moment, I realise that it always comes down to the physical body here, as stability, as Equality and as Oneness - and this embodiment/being can be funny, can be smart, can be to the point, can assist etc.

So I commit myself to be what I see is best in the moment in the conditions that I am in.

I commit myself to work with what is here and what is in each and every moment in what I am/who I am/what I am doing.

I commit myself to keep working and furthering my process to life and learning along the way.


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Sunday, 3 July 2016

Day 584 - Wanting praise/credit

I see that occasionally when I do things for people or say things that I BELIEVE have assisted others..I desire praise/credit for doing so. You know, at the time of doing things for people etc, I am not doing it for the praise/credit. It’s not until I hear/see the words “Thank you” or similar, that I then participate within ego of my mind and then come to this bullshit conclusion in my mind that..”I rock!”

But yes, it doesn’t stop there as the ego. See, the thanking me is not enough for me. I want more..I want further thanking/acknowledgment down the line lol. Like, I want to be referred to as the one that helped another get through something, or something like this. It is preposterous I realise in reality. To want this or desire this or not ‘feel alive’ until I really see/hear ‘proper’ and/or ongoing praise/credit/acknowledgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire praise/credit for assisting another/doing something for another as kindness/advice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feed my mind ego through praise/credit within the backchat of my mind ego of “I am the best.” – “I rock.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am some special kind of person/unique in my ‘ability’ to assist others or show them the way, which again is purely ego-based and of an ego starting point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to assist/help as kindness or whatever it is, as helping another as I’d like to be helped if I were in their position, like mutual help or mutual advice, but not only that also as simple assistance/help as should be standard in this world and to and for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a price on my assistance/help/advice for others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support/advise unconditionally in the moment and as is necessary.

I commit myself to give support/advice/assistance and then to stop. Then I commit myself to breathe. Because that is all there is. Giving, stopping, breathing. Thus here I give, then I bring myself back to my physical body and I continue living life as what is best for all.

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