Friday, 26 August 2016

Day 597 - Appeasing all personalities

I was hanging out with a rather reserved/quiet person, but when we spoke 1 on 1, they spoke more. When I was in a group of differing personalities, I felt this need to appease all personalities that were in that group, including the reserved/quiet personality. There was a quite loud/open personality. So initially I was talking to this person openly about things on their level so to speak 1 on 1, then this reserved/quiet personality entered the room, and another similar personality.

Here I sort of held back more. I wasn’t as open with this loud/open personality as I was when it was just them and I speaking. I wanted to ‘show’ this reserved/quiet person mentioned first, that I was this type of person, too, or, that I generally am this reserved/quiet person as well. So it’s like I want to appease to each personality and I alter my words/how much I say based on who is there/who is not there.

So I see this as not helpful, for me mainly. Because I am not staying true to myself so to speak. Why must I ‘prove’ this and that? It’s not about proving anything or showing that I can be quiet or loud etc, it’s just about being my normal self, no matter who or what is involved. See, so here I see that I am still changing myself based on who/what is involved, trying to suit/appease certain people/personalities. And this just makes it confusing/forced for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change what I say, how much I say, what I am, who I am dependent on who or what is involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must ‘prove’ that I am this or that character so that THAT character will ‘feel better’ about being able to speak to me/be with me generally.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stay true to myself as the physical and so as singular in the sense of being one, one with myself and my body and so one as output of what I say and how I act/do etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I can be singular and STILL appease to all. I realise that appeasing to all comes from within me as a starting point of Equality and Oneness, and so it remains the same for ALL.

I realise that yes I can ‘alter’ somewhat, at least to SUIT that particular personality IF it means making them more comfortable, but if it means sacrificing myself/suppressing myself/what/who I am, then it’s not going to work out for me and I will be confusing myself and others as to what/who I am with these changing characters endlessly.

When and as I see myself desiring to suppress myself as words and actions for the sake of appeasing to another because I believe I have to show them a certain ‘me’ or prove that I am a person they can talk to/be with, I stop and breathe. I realise that altering slightly to suit individuals is fine, for them to feel more comfortable, usually in 1 on 1 situations, but when it comes to groups there is no need to alter, because there are various personalities surrounding, so the best thing to do is to be myself so to speak and not worry about being this or that way to appease.

I commit myself not to appease to personalities to proof or show that I am this or that way.

I commit myself only to alter SLIGHTLY AS the physical in terms of being on their level/with them to assist in communication etc if necessary.

So I commit myself not to appease within my mind and wanting to prove/show another that I am a certain way or not a certain way.

So as I said, I commit myself to appease physically. This can mean talking less or more, talking quieter, louder, changing topics and so on, because different personalities will warm up to different ways/methods/actions/words/topics.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Day 596 - Feeling small next to a bigger person

Lol this heading is very specific. So there have been times where I am at an appointment of some sort, and the person is bigger than me. Bigger as in their body size/shape. I've noticed that I feel inferior to this being, simply because there is more of them, and this strange mindset of mine/backchat of there is more of them, so they are superior, simply because they cover more ground, they exist in a bigger capacity than I do.

What I find interesting here, is that usually I'D feel superior to this being, based on them being not as fit as I am. So in the past I'd participate within ego/superiority over this person, whereas now that I've released those points, now this has come up, where I see it as a better thing, because there is more of them as I said.

Obviously in reality, there is no right/wrong here, no best/worst, no separation. There are different body shapes/sizes for numerous reasons, and NOTHING can be held against another at all, just like I'd not want anything held against myself for my own body shape/size etc.

I realise also I feel 'intimidated' by how much of a person there is. That is what it is, intimidation in my mind. Though I realise this is not at all what 'happens' in the moment. They are doing their job, and me likewise. Just talking. What has to be done. They are not for instance voicing themselves within ego/superiority lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by a bigger person/one with a larger body size/shape compared to my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more of a person there is/that exists, the 'better' they are in some way, shape or form.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that LIFE is a living/moving being, thus all are life.

When and as I see myself feeling intimated by one because of their bigger body shape/size compared to my own, I stop and breathe. I realise that they are life, as I am, and differing body shapes and sizes are what exists, whatever the reason, so I commit myself to accept the differences of everyone, though as LIFE, because differences are no excuse to separate from and as life.


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Monday, 15 August 2016

Day 595 - My life has been a lie

It’s quite frightening in a way, to learn and realise that EVERYTHING just about, that I’ve done in my life, the relationships I’ve formed, the reasons for doing things, the starting point to doing things – everything has been directed by my mind, whether it’s a thought, a fear, a belief, a judgment.

So when one walks process, writing, DIP Lite etc, it’s mind-blowing lol. Literally. To realise that one has been living a massive lie of sorts, well, that is where the ‘frightening’ part comes into play. And I’m not talking here frightening within an emotion, it’s more like “Holy shit, this is insane! This is crazy, the realisations I’ve come to.” – so this realisation that my whole life, I’ve been directed, not by myself as my physical body/being, fascinating, too.

Of course, I’m so thankful to the Desteni material. The message, the people, the examples, the advice. Thankful that I have an opportunity in my life to change, to realise.

People don’t like accepting that all that they’ve done has not been directed by something real, as their physical bodies. I know that, that’s what I felt. Absolutely I wanted all that I’ve done, every decision I’ve made in my life, to be the right one. But there is a time where the lies, the self-dishonesty has to be realised and accepted. This does NOT make you a bad person, or wrong – it’s just the acceptance that well, this was who I am, this is who we all are. The first step is absolutely admitting and taking self-responsibility. Once this happens, the change can then occur.

Monday, 8 August 2016

Day 594 - Introvert/extrovert programs part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself negatively for being ‘introverted’ and/or a generally quiet person/a person who generally prefers quiet/silent situations to be able to talk/converse to the best ability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that extroverts are the superior of the 2, and they are person people etc who fit in with anyone and so on.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that introvert/extrovert are programs of the MIND, and without these, all that is left is the PHYSICAL, and so they do not hold any meaning as process/as change.

Thus I commit myself to remain true to myself in terms of process, and not fearing fitting into one of these 2 mind programs and believing I am one or the other etc, when the only thing that matters is process and so stability, growth, learning, education.

I commit myself to simply continue process without identifying as these programs or wanting to identify as one of them, realising that as the physical these programs do not remain or exist, so I commit myself to continue process so that I do not have to have anything to do with these programs of what I believe I should or should not be or fit into.


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Day 593 - Introvert/extrovert programs

I’ve had reactions to these words. I’ve generally been a quiet person, especially in the past, well, most of my life I was very shy. I judged myself heavily, I was in constant fear. I was an introvert as the definition of this word, being shy and occupied with my thoughts/what happens within me only. Although I was also believing that others were judging me etc about basically everything, only after studying Desteni material did I realise that was all MY doing.

I can safely say that I am much more confident now. I enjoy talking to people, meeting people, learning, teaching, conversing. Am I still shy? No, I don’t see myself as shy at all, but I see that others can still see me as this. Why, because I’m not one of those perhaps extroverts that are always speaking, seem to always have a group around them laughing, listening, having fun. So I see myself as much more stable than I was. As I said, I like talking, meeting, learning etc, but I actually prefer to do it in a I suppose, quiet scene. Whether it is 1 on 1 to maximise concentration, or maybe a small group, or even a large group, just without the background noise – this could be music, others speaking. So here I’m talking about parties, clubs, pubs. These are loud environments. So I do like a quiet setting because I believe this maximises communication.

What I wanted to understand myself too, was are there introverts and extroverts. I mean, as the MIND there definitely is. What about after we stop the thoughts, the beliefs, the judgments. I am curious as to what happens here when an extrovert as the mind starts Desteni process. Do they ‘remain’ the same, or do they become more..silent, for lack of a better word. OR, do they remain loud, do they remain very..yes, loud lol. I do not know.

But in my own experience...what I think, is that yes they would become more silent, more controlled, and prefer a type of quiet setting as I do. That is what I think/see. Because I think a lot of people who are extroverted, well besides the programming, it’s heavily reliant on energy, though this is same for those who are shy, quiet etc. And once one removes this energy, they become stable, here, so there’s no NEED to be very loud, the centre of attention also, perhaps.

So here I see, if we all walk process, we become stable. We are no longer introverted or extroverted. These are PROGRAMS.

More to come.

Friday, 5 August 2016

Day 592 - Pride

Okay, this word has come up for me in terms of basically what I’ve done in my life in regards to others, and me only realising later on, that it was the wrong thing to say, or for example I said something within an emotion, feeling, judgment etc. BUT, what I’ve realised is that through writing out that scenario/forgiving myself for that moment in the past, you know, what I must do, and what happens, is that I come to terms with it, and I come to terms that back then, I did make a mistake, I fucked up.

What I have trouble accepting or agreeing with is that I did fuck up back then, and so writing about the moment now, whatever it is, and forgiving myself for how I acted, it is the resignation that yes, what I did was a mistake/fuck up, BUT I desire for ALL that I’ve done before to be ‘the right thing to do.’ This is where pride comes into play for me. I desire for all that I do, say and act to be the ‘right thing to do.’ Taking pride in all that I do as if it is ALWAYS the best thing to do/what is best for all, but in reality this is not at all the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride from all that I do as if it is definitely the best thing to do/what is best for all in the moment, when in reality it was a mistake, it was not what was best for all, it was a fuck up of sorts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take pride from what I do as a type of ‘feel-good’ feeling which I realise is participation within my mind and positive/happy feelings and such, and also within ego and boosting it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that pride should not be something that comes after I do something, it should be something that happens within and as the moment, like a desire to help another, it in that moment is simply what is best for all and so I do it which benefits all parties involved.

When and as I see myself failing to accept that what I did before was a mistake/fuck up, I stop and breathe. I realise that through acceptance, I really do change. I realise that through making it public that I made a mistake/fucked up is accepting change/changing for the best/in the best way. I realise that here I am an example of acceptance of mistakes/fuck ups, which can of course benefit others who also participate in the same characters as I have been in believing all that they do is right/believing they are right all the time.

I commit myself to push my change to the limits/absolute through making it all public, my acceptances of failures, of mistakes, of fuck ups.

I commit myself to quit the pride act of positivity/happy/ego feelings within my mind of doing something ‘positive’ – I commit myself to simply do what is best for all in a moment and allow that to be the pride, in the moment, because what is best for all is what pride is.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Day 591 - Hypocrite

I’ve been thinking of this word/this definition when I am telling others about things in regards to Desteni, and myself, the principles of Desteni and so the principles that I stand behind and am..

The problem here is that I am not THERE yet FULLY. I am in process. So I cannot yet say I stand absolutely as one as the principles of Desteni. So I see it’s more appropriate to say that these are the principles that I am WORKING on living, thus the change is happening, it’s in process, it’s NOT yet there for me as of yet. I say this because I’ve said what I am as Desteni principles before, but then I perhaps do something and/or someone points out to me that I am not doing what I said I should be doing/am.

So, I’m a hypocrite if this is the case. I know that I can’t just say I stand behind/am these principles. I have to actually live them, I have to write, I have to self-forgive, I have to be an example, I have to show this. Showing > saying. Showing is real, saying is not so real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say I am something, when I am NOT yet there FULLY, I am in fact in process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk up myself as something and/or as principles of Oneness and Equality, instead of living it and being an example of Oneness and Equality which means to NOT ‘talk up’ it and/or use this for ego reasons/separation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to point out to others that I am IN process. I am IN change. I have changed, I will continue changing, but I am not FINISHED – I have much to work on, and slip ups probably will occur from time to time, but I work on these so that I don’t make the same mistake in future, I correct it.

When and as I see myself desiring to use words, saying words instead of being an example, I stop and breathe. I realise that talk is talk, whereas an example is real, it is WHO a person is, thus it automatically stands out, it can’t be argued against, because it is what is here and real. So I commit myself to quit the talking act, and instead be the example – which is no act, it is physical substance.