Friday, 5 August 2016

Day 592 - Pride

Okay, this word has come up for me in terms of basically what I’ve done in my life in regards to others, and me only realising later on, that it was the wrong thing to say, or for example I said something within an emotion, feeling, judgment etc. BUT, what I’ve realised is that through writing out that scenario/forgiving myself for that moment in the past, you know, what I must do, and what happens, is that I come to terms with it, and I come to terms that back then, I did make a mistake, I fucked up.

What I have trouble accepting or agreeing with is that I did fuck up back then, and so writing about the moment now, whatever it is, and forgiving myself for how I acted, it is the resignation that yes, what I did was a mistake/fuck up, BUT I desire for ALL that I’ve done before to be ‘the right thing to do.’ This is where pride comes into play for me. I desire for all that I do, say and act to be the ‘right thing to do.’ Taking pride in all that I do as if it is ALWAYS the best thing to do/what is best for all, but in reality this is not at all the case.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take pride from all that I do as if it is definitely the best thing to do/what is best for all in the moment, when in reality it was a mistake, it was not what was best for all, it was a fuck up of sorts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take pride from what I do as a type of ‘feel-good’ feeling which I realise is participation within my mind and positive/happy feelings and such, and also within ego and boosting it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that pride should not be something that comes after I do something, it should be something that happens within and as the moment, like a desire to help another, it in that moment is simply what is best for all and so I do it which benefits all parties involved.

When and as I see myself failing to accept that what I did before was a mistake/fuck up, I stop and breathe. I realise that through acceptance, I really do change. I realise that through making it public that I made a mistake/fucked up is accepting change/changing for the best/in the best way. I realise that here I am an example of acceptance of mistakes/fuck ups, which can of course benefit others who also participate in the same characters as I have been in believing all that they do is right/believing they are right all the time.

I commit myself to push my change to the limits/absolute through making it all public, my acceptances of failures, of mistakes, of fuck ups.

I commit myself to quit the pride act of positivity/happy/ego feelings within my mind of doing something ‘positive’ – I commit myself to simply do what is best for all in a moment and allow that to be the pride, in the moment, because what is best for all is what pride is.

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