Monday, 14 November 2016

Day 614 - Still in high school at 23, embarrassment


So I had this dream last night that I was still in high school at 23. Generally a person finishes high school/leaves at 18 years old, providing they passed year 12. So in this dream either I continued failing so had to repeat year 12 constantly (after 5 years) or I decided to give high school another shot because I never finished year 12 (which I never did in reality, so I suspect this was the case in the dream).

So the emotion here for me was embarrassment. Embarrassed that I was ‘too dumb’ to finish year 12 and I never gave it a go. I ended up doing year 10, then did year 11 at another school, then decided not to do year 12. At that time it was because I didn’t enjoy the schooling system and everything, so I did a more specific course in a field that I was interested in.

So here I see that, and I have this belief a lot, is that I am dumb/stupid. There are things which a lot of people seem to know of, as if common knowledge/information, but I do not always know it. Then I blame myself for not doing year 12. It can be certain history that I don’t know, or information regarding space/the solar system, geography etc.

Though here I realise there is no guarantee that I’d actually learn all this in year 12. So it’s the belief that I am missing information/have missed out on information, and I am pointing the reason why to not completing this year level. Though again, in reality, it was more likely to be my lack of concentration, not wanting to learn, preferring to play video games/listen to music, whatever it was. So if I did redo high school/primary school, that being, with and as the NEW me, the changed me, then absolutely, I’d be dedicated/diligent. I’d find fascination in learning. And doing well, for my sake as a career, as money, as survival.

Anyway, that chapter is over. I am here now. With the dawn of the internet, libraries..books etc, there is a library of information..in many different sources. So if there’s something I want to know, I research it. Though I’m not going to research things based on what I ‘think’ I ‘should’ know as what is apparent common sense/knowledge/information – if I don’t know something, then fine, I ask, I question/someone can inform me.

I commit myself to research the things I WANT TO research.

I commit myself not to research/learn things based on what I believe is common sense/information/knowledge out of fear of looking stupid/dumb within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid/dumb within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to participate within embarrassment within my mind when people are talking about things that they know of, but I do not, then I pretend to know of what they are speaking of, though this is lying to myself and others for sake of wanting to be on the same page/level as they are. So I commit myself to be honest with myself and others and ask about it, get answers if I want them, and then obviously learn, take that information onboard for myself/use it/live it.

I commit myself not to pretend I know things. I commit myself to seek answers simply from a point of wanting to know/learn. I commit myself to be honest with and within myself for my own sake/sake of others.

I commit myself not to see myself as ‘not belonging’ with others based on not knowing things.


I commit myself to realise that life belongs with life.



2 comments:

  1. I used to have that dream of being back in high school so many times. It was always about what I could now do with the knowledge I have now. Thankfully, these kinds of dreams rarely come anymore.

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